Bring Back That Loving Feeling

When I fell in love before it was sudden; the head-over-heels free-fall into a passionate, romantic love state with my now ex-husband. I loved him wholly and fully without reservation, with the quintessential blind eye to all of his shortcomings, of which I now know there were many. This big love was taken and then used, beaten and destroyed. My ex cheated on me and then left me, walking out on me and the little boy we were supposed to adopt. I was devastated, so utterly broken and crushed. Still, I thought I could eventually get back that loving feeling, only now I’m not so sure. My carefully curated walls around my heart are seeming insurmountable and while I try to tear them down my terrified heart keeps plastering over them in a frantic, hurried pace. I want to fall in love again, it just seems impossible to let go and fall.

 

I started seeing my current boyfriend just before Valentine’s Day (this is significant because my ex left on Valentine’s Day) earlier this year. We saw one another a few times, were intimate, and then I ran. He was not my first tryst since my ex, not by far. I had two other failed attempts and too many first dates to recall. I had gotten quite good at being off-putting to chase many a suitor away with ease. Being a full-time parent made it even easier. So, I left this relationship in a bad way, thinking it was all over. Months go by and I think nothing of it, trying to find the next victim, er match, via online dating. Then, out-of-the-blue, he sends me a message. Curious, I agreed to meet him for drinks and suddenly we are seeing one another again. Only…. Only, I feel like I’m only partially in it. My apathy about this man and our relationship has me in a quandary. I keep pushing myself, keep making myself stay in the game (so to speak) because I fear if I run again I will simply stop trying. I keep torturing myself, trying to figure out why I have so little feelings about someone who is supposed to be my love interest.

 

I want to feel those amazing, romantic feelings; the ones that warm your insides and add a blush to your cheeks. I want to be excited and happy and IN LOVE. Instead, I am fearful, worried, unsure and untrusting. What I am really trying to determine is – is this just me or is this the wrong match? Am I so deeply broken that I cannot summon the courage to let myself fall in love again? We have been seeing one another regularly since August. And still, after 4 months, I am still trying to force myself to stick it out, to not get cold feet and ghost him. Partially, I’m worried that if I stop pushing myself I won’t ever get this far again and partially I’m trying to see if it’s just me or if we aren’t meant to be. This whole situation has me in such an emotional state. Logically, I know I’m making this harder than it has to be, but I just can’t seem to stop. I wish I could just kick back and have fun, but this whole thing feels more like grueling work than just having fun with someone. Too often I hear myself saying, “it’s easier to just be alone.” And yet, deep down, I know I don’t want to be alone.

 

When asked what I want in a partner, I said I want Toby from This Is Us; that magical, mythical man who is a perfect balance of manliness and gentleness, who drives you crazy and makes you love him like crazy. I want to date a fictional character from a TV show, this is the depth of my depravity. But, to me, Toby is just the right level of sweet and kind, yet not a push-over. He understands Kate’s neurosis and doesn’t let her wallow, but he’s not pushy or over-bearing. Toby brings out the best in Kate, he keeps her grounded. I need Toby in my life, but my fear is, that even if Toby showed up, I’d still be freaking out and keep trying to push him away. My therapist tells me it’s a process and I need to not try controlling everything and let things evolve as they will. Unfortunately, one of the saddest things I lost in the divorce is my ability to believe good things are meant to happen to me. In many ways, I have a real Eeyore complex.