Foster Care on This Is Us

*Warning* Spoilers for those who are not caught up on This Is Us.

 

I love the show This Is Us. I feel like so much of my life is portrayed in such terrific nuance, I can’t help but to watch. And cry. At the end of last week’s episode about Kate’s miscarriage, they previewed Randall’s story for this week, showing a glimpse of things happening with his foster daughter. I was nearly outraged because the clip shown did not feel real-to-life as the rest of the show has been. So, I watched the latest episode with a wary eye, thinking they were going to get foster care all wrong. Thankfully, they did not. They did take some liberties, I mean it’s a TV show after all, but I wasn’t displeased and some of it was spot on.

 

I am a foster parent. I have had 11 children with me in the nearly 6 years I’ve been fostering, not including the many weekend respite placements I had. So, I’d say I know a thing or two about fostering, or at least how it is done in Pennsylvania and while each county is slightly different, there are a lot of commonalities. Never once have I had a parent show up at my house demanding to see their child. I understand parents are able to request the address of their child’s foster parent, but it would not bode well for them to just show up. I know some families who have invited the family’s over or who have hosted visits in their home, but those things were pre-planned and approved by the county agency. So, this part of the show was the one thing I felt was not spot on.

 

The parts I found so true to life were Randall’s indigent reaction to the news that Deja’s mom was going to get her back and how Deja handled her mom when she did show up to Randall’s house. I remember feeling the same anger Randall felt with my longest foster placement. The two little kids came to me from a different foster home and had been in care for several months before I came into the picture. I did not have the best interaction with their mother; her distain for me was palpable. But, her children capture my heart and it was hard for me to contemplate sending them home to her and a brand new baby brother. If I had the means, I might have threatened to hire a lawyer. But, I learned a very valuable lesson with my first placement and that was how powerless I was as a foster parent. And, foster parents who rock the boat are not foster parents for very long. I didn’t have the same come-to-Jesus moment as Randall did, but I did learn to understand the importance of keeping children with their families, even if those families don’t meet my personal criteria for quality parenting. I learned not to be as judgmental as I had been.

 

With Primero, I have witnessed similar interactions between him and his mom, where he steps up and calms her down as if he were the parent and she was a child. He watched the show with me, something he hasn’t done in a while and so he kept asking me questions about what was going on. But, when Deja went home on the show, Primero commented, “She’ll be back” meaning in the system, “They’re always going back.” From his personal experience, he didn’t trust her mother was going to stay on the straight and narrow, but devolve back into her old ways, thus shoving Deja back into foster care. It made me sad to hear him predict a negative outcome for a teenager in foster care, but I understand why he did. I’m sure he understood how Deja felt, that internal tug-of-war over leaving a safe, happy place to return to someone you love dearly but don’t always trust. He didn’t indicate the show bothered him, but I was sniffling and trying to hold back tears when Deja hugged Randall.

 

I’m slightly perplexed why they didn’t show any scenes in the court room. In my experience, court is where the decisions are ultimately made and Deja would not have gone home without court consent. I remember the case worker was talking about court, but the children are required to be in court, even if the county doesn’t require the foster parents attend (I’ve had both experiences – one county requires foster parents to attend court and a different county never made me go, the case worker would take the children). I find it’s an integral part of fostering and certainly a tough thing for all parties involved. Perhaps there will be more shared with the next installments, as it seems Randall’s family will be getting a new foster son soon.

 

It is refreshing to see foster care portrayed mostly realistically or at all really. I do watch the show The Fosters but it is not an accurate portrayal of foster care at all. I chalk it up to the show being set in California because if Stef and Lena were foster parents here, they wouldn’t be foster parents anymore. Still, at least it’s does show some of the difficulties of fostering, fighting the system, navigating relationships with biological family, how foster siblings interact, things like that. But, it’s more like a soap opera than anything resembling real life. In This Is Us, I felt like I knew Deja, like I’ve met her in my own foster care experiences. Randall’s reaction when he began seeing how the system works, I’ve felt just like that, I nodded my head at his righteous indignation. And, I felt him loosen his grip as he finally began to understand. I was glad when both him and Beth agreed to continue fostering. I have no doubt they will do things differently the second time around. I’m anxious to keep watching!