Pressure

As promised, here is the low down and dirty about the holidays. I had so looked forward being a parent during the holidays, creating new traditions and keeping those cherished from my own family and childhood. But, as I sloughed through the holiday’s this year I resigned myself to just “doing” holidays for the kids. How sad is that? It didn’t help that Primero and I have been in this rough patch for several months now and the additional financial stress of not getting the stipend and having to recover a $600 deficit, well it didn’t make finding my yuletide joy any easier, that’s for sure. Part of the problem is me trying to make these amazing holiday memories but usually I wind up exhausted and testy and, as it is for many foster/adopted kids, it seems the holidays are a rough time for my kiddos.  

 

I feel like a there is a lot of pressure during the holidays. Family Christmas photos to share with the world – hard pass on that, I can’t freely share pictures of the little ones plus the planning it would take to get a Christmas-y picture in enough time to mail/email it to people, nope, not happening. Getting a Christmas tree – I hate fake trees, so we always get a real one, which makes a mess because no one bothers to give the darn thing water. We also manage to lose/damage so many ornaments I’m surprised we still have enough for the tree. Plus, in our cramped quarters, the tree takes up valuable real estate. But, this year Love Bug was really into Christmas and he is still talking about me throwing away our Christmas tree. It hurt him to see the tree go. To be fair, we only got the tree the week before Christmas and we only managed to get a tree because someone gave us a discount. Trees were expensive this year! I suppose we don’t have to give gifts to teachers and daycare workers, but it just seems like the nice thing to do, given the spirit of the holiday and all. This year we made chocolate dipped pretzels and Oreo truffles. Very time consuming, but much appreciated by the gift receivers. Still, I felt like I didn’t sit down for a week before Christmas. By the time the big day arrived I was so tired I just wanted to sleep!

 

So, Christmas Eve I took the little ones to the farm to visit with my grandmother and parents. Primero chose to not go along with us to the farm and I didn’t fight him on it because he promised to go on Christmas. My grandmother is struggling with the year anniversary of my grandfather’s death. Plus, the other side of the family did some not-so-great things that really upset her, so we tried to bring her some cheer. She did crack a smile at Love Bug admonishing her to not touch the cactus in her picture window (because she warned him to not touch it when we first came in) and correcting her when she called him Dear. “I not Dear, I Love Bug!” he said adamantly. We also had a nice visit with my parents before heading back home to make cookies for Santa and get ready for the main event – Santa’s arrival. In addition to the cookies, I also agreed to make an overnight French toast casserole for our Christmas brunch. And, I still had gifts to wrap. Did I mention I was exhausted?

 

So, as I made cookies with the help of Chica Marie (our sprinkle specialist) and Love Bug (taster of the dough – no raw eggs in the ingredient list!), Primero enjoyed his sister’s company in the living room and I felt my little bahumbug Grinch heart warm with just a hint of Christmas cheer. Sadly, the good feeling was short-lived. I realized I did not have enough cinnamon for the French toast casserole and asked Primero to run out and try to find some – hoping against all odds a grocery store would be open at 8 pm on Christmas Eve. He valiantly tried all the local stores, but came home empty handed. In the midst of my cinnamon crisis, Primero announced he was going to ask his friend if he could spend the night. I turned to him and said, probably in a fairly shrilly tone (see the above exhaustion and no cinnamon), “It’s Christmas Eve!” His response broke my heart. I could actually feel that happy little Christmas contentment fizzle and die right in my chest. He yelled, “Oh my f-ing God!” and flung the three dollars I had given him for the cinnamon in my face. It hit me on my right cheek, just under my eye, and as the crumpled billed toppled to the floor, my hot tears of pain followed pursuit. I went to my room to fold laundry and cry. The children were still not in bed, the cookies were not done baking, the French toast casserole needed cinnamon and more eggs (I had more bread than I thought), gifts needed to wrapped and I realized I forgot carrots for the reindeer.

 

Hiding my tears in the laundry, Esperanza text me to ask if I was ok. I said I was not. I was so hurt. I was hurt that Primero would even ask to leave on Christmas Eve, for one. But, I was even more hurt by his vitriolic reaction. I felt like he sucker punched me. I text a bit with Esperanza before Primero came into my room, asking/stating he was going to take his friend his gift. We got into a fight because I could not fathom how he could be talking to me like normal after what just happened. Sometimes he can be so arrogant! So, he left without my permission, with me fuming. While he was gone I got the little ones to bed, after reading the Christmas Story (The Night Before Christmas), which I had bought a special edition of the book specifically to read to my children on Christmas Eve and it seems every year we rush the story for one reason or another. I spoke with Esperanza a bit before washing the cookie/French toast dishes and dragging out the gifts and wrapping paper.

 

Primero came home and wanted to talk to me. I was angry, sad, tired, and just so over it. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him. He sat on the edge of the table and said he was going to talk to me anyway. I told him lately I haven’t liked him very much. “I love you, I always love you, but I really don’t like you lately. You have become so cocky, so arrogant and I simply cannot talk to you without it becoming an issue.” We talked but the night definitely ended on a less-than happy note. We didn’t speak much on Christmas. I basically decided to throw myself into making the most of it for the little ones. Mostly, I was just ready for it to all be over.

 

I am making plans for Primero and I to reconnect. I think we need a moment to just be us together and see if we can go from there. Hopefully things will be better now that the pressure of the holidays is off and it’s business as usual. Until next time….