Invisible Grief

A fellow blogger posted about how so many women carry on with life while simultaneously miscarrying their pregnancy. She suggests the secrecy about miscarriage is partially to blame for the notion that a woman must “carry on” even while miscarrying. It made me think about how we as a society handle invisible grief. We have traditions and societal processes for when a loved one dies. The loss is evident, since that person is no longer present. But, when a loss is not visible to the naked eye, it seems the societal expectation is that the grief should be equally invisible.

 

I haven’t really thought about infertility much lately. But, her post made me think about how I grieved my loss when I didn’t actually, physically lose anything. I was never pregnant. Not once. So, I wasn’t mourning the loss of a pregnancy. But, I was still grieving a loss that was immensely personal and totally hidden from the world. It did not make the grief process easier to keep it to myself. It did not help me to come to terms with the fact that my body was not capable of performing it’s supposed biological purpose. In trying to keep my grief to myself, I found it poured out in ways I didn’t intend. On more than one occasion I sobbed going to and returning from a baby shower. I have never touched a pregnant belly for fear I would have an unsightly melt-down. At times I was snarky or impatient with friends or perfect strangers who would ask questions about my family planning or subject me to tales of their own. I can’t be sure, but I think keeping my infertility and my grief hidden made it harder for me to move through the process to healing. Loss is loss and it is never easy, even if what was lost was not something or someone tangible. I work with people who have lost their jobs and I see the same pains of grief etched in their faces. Loss is part of the human experience and we could all do with a little more understanding and a little less pressure and expectation that grief be manifest in the same way for each person and each situation. No one grieving should be expected to simply carry on as if nothing has happened. Everyone should have the space and time to mourn their loss in a healthy way that makes sense to them, without the side-eyes from anyone else or the pressure to “get over it.” Grief might be invisible but it weighs profoundly on the individual. At the end of the day, everyone is doing the very best they can do on this road called life.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.