Confusion

     So, yesterday Flaco and I had our first adoption training class. It was a little boring, but also a little interesting. We did the training in Spanish, so we could be together - I could have taken the training in English, but I thought it might be better for us to be together. The class was small only 8 other people. Flaco and I were only one of two couples, the rest attending were women (I'm not sure of all of their martial statuses - I know some were widows and some single). We were also the only ones strictly interested in adopting - the rest were there to be foster parents. We did three different topics, starting with the process that leads to a child being placed in foster care or for adoption, then the types of foster families, and finally the grief and loss process for the children, but also the foster families. I won't bore you with the details, but there were certainly things that I had not considered which are good to ponder.
     The confusion, as the title of this post alludes to, does not come from the adoption training - that is just something we must do to get us closer to the actual act of adoption. Rather, the confusion lies in me and some zany "symptoms" I believe I have been experiencing. Now, let me preface this by saying that I had made peace (or thought I had) with the fact that Flaco and I would not become parents in the way I had imagined. I had carefully re-imagined our lives with a baby that became ours through the process of adoption, not the biological steps of conception, pregnancy, birth. I knew that the end results would be the same - a happy family and a baby for us to love. I refused to let anyone, any well-meaning friend or family member, who knew or heard of our struggles with infertility and now our decision to adopt to tell me not to give up hope on having our own baby. I would not accept their platitudes of believing we were on the precipice of natural conception. In other words - I absolutely refused to believe we would have a baby any way other than adopting. And, honestly, I found peace. Truly, giving up on a biological baby allowed me to accept my monthly period with just the slightest twinge of sadness. I did not weep. I did not wonder why. I did not get angry with God. I just accepted that my baby, our baby, was somewhere else right now, just waiting for us to get through all the hoops that would bring us together.
     Well, about a week ago something changed that. Generally, before my period, my breasts get tender. At the most for about a week or so and they are not generally so tender that I feel like ripping them off my body. And they did not disturb my sleep like they have been the past 7-10 days. Generally, before my period begins I feel crampy and bloated. I felt no cramps, but an odd heavy feeling in my lower abdomen. This could have been explained by the constipation I was experiencing or the gas. I had some lower back pain and leg cramps. I was more thirsty, this could definitely have explained the need to use the bathroom more frequently. What I am trying to say, is that I thought there were numerous suspicious clues that led me to idiotically, yet firmly believe irony of all ironies, that I was pregnant. Until yesterday. At the training. When there was the small, tell-tale sign, a tiny disappointing smudge of pink on the TP - and a weeks worth of jubilation deflated to once again crushed hope. I know better. I do. But, somehow, I let this insane though pop into my head. I let the "clues" amount to undeniable proof. And, hey, Dr. Internet backed up my claims by declaring these symptoms as the earliest of all pregnancy symptoms. But, of course the spotting is increasing, which can only mean one thing - my period is on its way. Which means, the extremely tender breasts, constipation, frequent urination, exhaustion, gas, leg cramps, and lower back pain were just PMS symptoms. And this just means that I can't trust my own body. It lies to me. Mentally, I am angry with myself for being duped into believing the impossible. Emotionally, I am ok - I keep telling myself that this does not change things. We are still well on the path to having a baby. I just wish I hadn't let myself dare to dream about the whole pregnancy process after carefully erasing this from my mental picture.
     Included in one of the packets we received yesterday, there is a whole section about infertility, which I have to read. But, the one thing Consuelo said (she is our caseworker - or whatever you call her), was that couples who have struggled with infertility and are now hoping to adopt, must accept that their adopted child will not look like them, will contain no biological familial traits. Since Flaco and I are the only couple who have struggled with infertility and are now hoping to adopt, I am sure she was talking to us. I think we have come to terms with this situation, but after this past week, it seems like it is something that might keep popping up all on it's own. I hope I can maintain my peace.