Thankful but....

Last Friday I anxiously announced on Facebook that on 12/9/15 I would officially and legally become a mother. I foolishly thought this announcement would make things feel more real and get me more excited. I mean, I am excited and happy but there is also something missing. My announcement was met with cheers and congratulations, but to me it seemed lackluster. Certainly, it wasn’t the big reveal announcement I had dreamed of when I began my journey into motherhood. This is something I thought I had grieved before, but it’s come back and while I’m not gut-wrenchingly devastated, I am a little down. Maybe the let-down is that my parents seem ho-hum about it. Maybe because my sister didn’t even congratulate me at all, not on Facebook or in private, nada. I suppose my expectations were too high – I mean how excited can you get about court? Primero seemed a little miffed that I posted on Facebook and I don’t know why (I didn’t tag him or mention his name at all). I asked him if he wanted me to take it down and he said no, it didn’t bother him. Maybe he wanted to make the announcement? Maybe he didn’t want any fanfare at all? Maybe I’m a big fat idiot and I will always get it wrong? I don’t know. I am grateful, I want to be grateful for finally becoming a mother but…… But, there’s a but. Full-fledged happiness cannot be. Primero, at best, is equally happy as he is sad which is understandable. So I can’t be over-the-moon elated because he isn’t so I temper my joy with the reality of the situation. But, I think it’s more than that. I love Primero with all my heart and I am so blessed to become his mother and I wish I could stop there add the period and not finish the thought that goes BUT, I don’t feel like his mom, he doesn’t refer to me as his mom and so it’s…… It’s….. What is it? Less fulfilling? Awkward? Hard. It’s hard. Hard doesn’t mean it shouldn’t happen, but it recognizes that real life isn’t all glitter and rainbows either. To be honest, I wish I felt more enthusiastic and maybe I will as that day approaches. But I am no less happy to be Primero’s parent.

Weekend of Firsts

I was really hoping to have my parents attend the adoption ceremony for Primero. He is joining their family as their first grandchild and I was so hoping they could be there to embrace him and their role as grandparents. When I called my parents Friday to share the good news that the date for the adoption finalization has been set, my dad told me he thought my mom had a colonoscopy scheduled for that same day. I spoke with her the next day and she confirmed that she did indeed have the procedure schedule for the day of the finalization and couldn’t reschedule it because if she did it in the new year she would have to pay for it (she’s paid out her deductible due to all the chemo and other cancer related medical expenses). I get it, I do. But, that doesn’t make it suck any less. My mom said if the procedure is scheduled for later in the day she might be able to come, but she won’t know until the Monday before and I sort of doubt it will work out. Technically my dad could still come, so long as he doesn’t need to be there to take her home at the same time as the court hearing. I asked my friend, who Primero loves, but she’s working and unable to come at that time. I’m hoping to find someone in my family to attend, perhaps my aunt that I’m close to or maybe a cousin? I think Esperanza will come but I don’t know about his other family members. It’s kind of a tough thing and I wouldn’t pressure them into coming, even if they are in favor of the adoption. Not that I wouldn’t welcome having them there, if they do decide to come. I just recognize it might be awkward for them. I have also decided to not have the babies there because I don’t want to be distracted by a squirmy toddler (yes, a toddler!) and disobedient pre-schooler. They will be in daycare and we can celebrate with them later in the day. I also want to get family pictures taken by my photographer friend.

So, this past weekend was kind of a big one for us. Chica Marie lost her first tooth on Saturday. A few weeks ago we were out to eat on a Friday night and she mentioned her tooth was bothering her. I looked in her mouth and when I touched the offending tooth, it seemed to wiggle slightly. I pronounced her tooth to be fine but that it would soon fall out. And Chica Marie lost it. She began sobbing and howling that she didn’t want to lose her tooth. She refused to eat anything for dinner. I had been on the fence about the Tooth Fairy but decided it might help ease her into the whole tooth loss thing. So, I promised Chica Marie that when she lost her tooth, if she put it under her pillow, the Tooth Fairy would give her money for the tooth. On Saturday was playing with the tooth and I noticed it was about to pop out. I tried to get her to eat an apple to lose it, but she refused. She could see my trick. So, I promised to get her a piggy bank for the money the Tooth Fairy was going to leave her if she would let Primero pull the tooth out. After a few attempts to get a good grip, the tiny bottom middle tooth was out and Chica Marie was clinging to Primero for dear life. Sunday after church we bought a piggy bank. It’s a white piggy wearing a silver crown and a pink tulle tutu. Totally adorbs. She put the $2 in dimes the Tooth Fairy gave her into the piggy bank and jingled the coins incessantly. Primero acted the part of Tooth Fairy, sneaking into her room to retrieve the tooth and then again to stash the coins under her pillow. We used plastic baggies to contain the tooth and coins so they wouldn’t get lost under her bed because she is such a restless sleeper.

After procuring the piggy bank at Target and getting hair dying supplies at the beauty store (both Primero and Esperanza dyed their hair) we went to a pizza buffet for lunch. This is only the second time I’ve ever been to this place and who do we see there? The attorney for the little one’s mom. At first he didn’t see us, but after passing our table a few times he did notice us, but didn’t say anything. I wonder if he will report their mother that he saw us? I guess it doesn’t much matter. After lunch we took Love Bug to get his first haircut. It’s so funny because right before the rules changed for foster care I was thinking that I should ask permission to get the baby’s haircut because it was getting unruly. His thick curls were getting more and more difficult to comb on the back of his head and his hair was so long it was almost always standing up. The barber was fantastic, going slow and taking his time, being gentle and careful. When I first sat Love Bug in the chair he cried and tried to lunge back into my arms. But, I had Primero with me to help and he played Love Bugs favorite song by his favorite band, “Alone Together” by Fall out Boy. Yeah, the baby’s a rocker. So, Love Bug snatched the phone from Primero and was content to sit and let the barber go to work. He first cut the hair with a scissors because it was too thick to cut with the clippers. I only teared up a little when I got a few curly locks for his baby book and soon the barber was buzzing off more hair with the clippers. He left about ¾ of an inch on the baby’s head when it was all said and done. He took a little more than I had hoped, but Love Bug looks so much better and now he looks like more of a little boy than a baby! It is so much easier to manage his hair and he’s happier too because he hated having his hair combed. I was pleasantly surprised with how good Love Bug was while getting his hair trimmed. He didn’t really fuss and only started wiggling when the barber started with the clipper because he was scared of it. The barber was very intent on the baby getting a good first impression so he would hopefully be calm at future haircuts and not freaking out. I also got hair product tips from the mom of the boy that has his haircut before Love Bug. She  was so kind to look up the name and picture of a product she felt would help with both Love Bug and Chica Marie’s hair. I was grateful for her suggestion.

After having a varied amount of ages in foster care I didn’t really think there would be too many firsts for me as a parent. This weekend, both of the firsts for Chica Marie and Love Bug were also firsts for me. I never had a foster child lose a tooth with me and I’ve never taken a baby for their first haircut. What a blessing to experience this with both of these special little ones!

We Have a Date!

We have a date! The adoption case worker called me this afternoon to let me know so I could contact our prior case worker and give her the heads up in hopes she can make if from Florida. I will officially, legally become a mother on December 9^th at 10 am!!! I can hardly believe this is really happening! I nearly cried just listening to the adoption case worker tell me the date. Note to self, get waterproof mascara before the 9^th!

New Foster Rules I Love

It’s a rarity that I come home from a foster care training feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am walking on air. In fact, I’m fairly certain that has never happened, not once in the past 5 years. Generally I feel irritated that the meeting was inutile or like there is no hope ever for anyone in foster care. So, you can understand why this new feeling is one I’m having a hard time letting go. We had a mandatory training last night and while I could talk about how unprepared the staff was due to the fact that they themselves are just piecing together this information and were informed last Wednesday they must train all their foster families before the end of the year and I could point out that the federal laws took effect in September 2014 and the Keystone state got an extension to train foster families by this past September and STILL didn’t have their act together until now – I’d rather focus on HOW GREAT THIS NEWS IS!!!! Finally, the powers that be listened to the people affected by their shoddy decisions and they did something positive to change it. Apparently, numerous foster children and former foster children spent countless hours presenting their lived stories to representatives and courts stating how restricting the foster care rules are and how it negatively affected their lives as children and into adulthood. And while nothing can be done for these foster kids and former foster kids, they wanted the future to be better. And, Congress, the courts and the states LISTENED! And they agreed that the rules were punitive towards the very children the system was trying to help. Thus, the change. Drum roll please!!!

 

Foster parents no longer have to ask permission to get a child a haircut.

Foster parents can decide to allow a foster child to get their driver’s license.

Foster parents can allow children to sleep over at a friend’s house.

Foster parents can allow a trusted friend or family member to baby-sit without the red tape of background checks and home inspections.

Foster parents can allow a child to attend school functions, even over-night functions and things in a different state (just not out of the country).

Foster parents can take kids on over-night trips and not need special permission.

Foster parents can allow and even encourage a child to get a job or volunteer outside the home.

Foster parents can allow other people to transport the children to things like sports practice, dance class, a friend’s house, carpooling, etc.

In short, foster children are now allowed to be treated as children and not having to follow “special” rules that make them out themselves as foster kids when asked to participate in “normal” activities for kids their age. Foster parents are being allowed to actually parent these kids and not rely on case workers and the courts to make every decision regarding their lives. Foster parents are actually being trusted to parent now! As one foster dad said last night, “it’s like we’ve graduated from elementary school to high school.” I agree and I embrace this freedom whole heartedly! Not only embrace it, but I can’t wait to start exercising it! Thinking that I am free to find my own child care, rather than rely on respite, has me nearly giddy. I don’t think even I realized just how oppressive it was to lose my personal support system and need to rely on only foster families and case workers to watch the kids for me when I needed to do something or wanted a break. To think that I can, at my own free will, ask someone I know and trust to baby-sit has me dancing in the streets! Often times the responsibility for foster care seems overwhelming to me and I feel like I simply can’t go on. With this news, I feel like foster care became much easier (not in helping the kids deal with trauma or in what they have endured – that won’t ever be an easy thing) because much of bureaucracy is simply gone. Think about it this way – case workers will be spending less time worrying about finding respite for foster families freeing their time to concentrate more on their cases. Judges and court officials will be less hassled by requests for vacation trips to the shore, children needing haircuts, or approving backgrounds for everyone who might ever be involved in the child’s life. So, hopefully this means things can move along at a faster pace (for the important decisions and also for things like when Primero needed surgery and his mother was in jail and couldn’t provide consent). I think we should have a party to celebrate!

Yesterday was a very busy day for me. Prior to the evening training, I was on TV as an (almost) adoptive parent talking about National Adoption month and what it’s like to foster-adopt. This was my third time on the local TV station and my second time this year with CHOR. Afterwards the CHOR staff took me and the other couple out to lunch and it was nice to talk, share pictures, and discuss the positive and negative parts of adopting from the foster care system. The foster care supervisor was glad the marketing director was there to hear our stories and she was particularly glad I shared my story about adopting Primero. It was a nice break from work in a very busy day.

Unfortunately, yesterday was not all positive. I had a meeting with Chica Marie’s therapist before the evening therapy because she made the recommendation for Chica Marie to get mobile therapy, something more intensive than the Theraplay she had been receiving. This comes after disturbing behaviors have been on-going and escalating at daycare. Chica Marie is by far the most difficult child I have living with me right now. I won’t say she’s the most difficult over all because there are two other girls who would win that distinction, but in the house now, she is the one that keeps me up at night (now that Love Bug consistently sleeps at night). I worry that I’m not doing enough for her or that my parenting style doesn’t work for her or that she won’t ever get “better,” or she’ll get worse when she starts school. I worry that perhaps I don’t give her enough attention or not the kind of attention she needs or that I don’t love her enough. The mobile therapist will be spending 4 hours a week with Chica Marie, most of this at the daycare since that is where the behaviors are more prevalent. I hope this helps because she is on the cusp of being tossed from daycare and I know that won’t help her situation and it will cause anxiety for poor Love Bug.

This afternoon I had to take my lunch break at CHOR to sign the updated version of my family profile. As the adoption case worker was walking me out, she mentioned that my former family worker had a sibling group of 3 that she so wished she could have placed with me because she knew it would work with me. In the end, the resource family decided to keep them, but it was weird to think the family worker even dreamt of my name. I was certain I was tucked away as a done deal with the three kids I have. I joked with the adoption case worker, “if only I had a bigger place!” and left it at that, but how strange!

Slight Chance

Yesterday the CHOR adoption case worker hand delivered the adoption paperwork to the lawyer. She called and left a message for me stating the office told her that, if I can return the paperwork I must sign quickly, there is a slight chance the adoption can be finalized this month! What?! That’s crazy! And wonderful! She said there is also the chance it could be finalized next month, so I’m really hoping things can be done before the end of the year. When I told Primero his response was, “OMG! Thank God!” He’s very anxious to get through with finalization and just live life like a “normal” kid. He is also very anxious to get his driver’s license and we will need his new birth certificate for that. For my part, I plan to sign the paperwork and return it the same day I receive it. I don’t want to dawdle with this! I’m just so anxious to have a date, a specific, solid date when one chapter (foster care) closes and another chapter (forever family) begins.

During the last post I wrote about Primero wanting to see his mom, or well her asking to see him since that was how he expressed it to me. He was supposed to talk to her Tuesday afternoon and try to flesh-out how she envisioned the visit to happen, when, where, with whom – that sort of thing. I suggested he tell her to call me so we could chat about it. It turns out he never talked to her. I thought for sure she would want to arrange something for this coming weekend, but Primero said she never text him to call her, so he didn’t talk to her at all. So who knows when this visit will actually happen? I find this very frustrating, how she pops in and out of Primero’s life at whim and how he accepts it hook, line and sinker. This is the first time she has asked for a visit with him and not just asked him to show up at a previously arranged event she was attending. The last time he saw her was in September when she was in town for his younger sister’s birthday and she put a message on Facebook that she would be at the city park, then called him to meet her at a local fast food restaurant. And, even though it was an inconvenience and I was thoroughly annoyed at him for flip-flopping and at first deciding he wouldn’t go, then asking to see her when she called, we went and saw her briefly. I don’t know what she had in mind for this visit, if she thought I would just drive him to see her or what, but I’m not going to worry about it anymore. If Primero asks me again I will ask him the same questions of where, when, and with whom (meaning with little kids or sans little kids). I don’t think I’m asking for too much in hoping to have these questions answered before committing to a plan.

Hermano moved into his new foster home on Monday. According to Esperanza, he is one of two kids in the home and the other child is a 14 month old baby girl. Apparently his girlfriend bought him a cell phone now that he’s out of the inpatient facility where he had been staying. Everyone is holding their breath and hoping he won’t mess this placement up and get sent back to the facility or worse. The rumor about him fathering a child over the summer has still not been answered, but I haven’t heard anything further from the county case worker so who knows. Hermano was already asking when he would visit with us, so we will have to see about arranging a visit soon. I don’t know if the county wants him to settle in for a period of time before beginning the visits.

After giving it a lot of thought and second guessing myself every step of the way, I bought Primero a small box of condoms over the weekend. I told him I hoped he would not feel the need to rush out and use them, but that I wanted him to be protected if he did decide to have sex. And I begged him to be extra careful with his girlfriend because I would lose my mind if he got her pregnant. He was rather annoyed that I actually bought him condoms, stating he’s not having sex anytime soon, but well we all know how that goes don’t we? I did tell him that I believe, if he feels he is old enough and responsible enough to have sex then he should also be old enough and responsible enough to buy his own condoms. Again, we know how that goes! So, at least I’ve tried to make sure he is protected but I sincerely hope he waits a little while longer before becoming sexually active.

Sweet 16 Surprise

We held a surprise birthday party for Primero on Saturday. He turned 16 (OMG!!! 16!!!!) and so his sister and I and one of his close friends planned this surprise party, which was pretty successful if I don’t say so myself. We used a black and white theme, I made tons of decorations from tissue paper (thanks Pinterest!), I made 4 different bacon appetizers (because he LOVES bacon – and he didn’t eat a one at the party because he was too busy socializing), we had a cake, dancing, the whole nine yards. My parents came for a little but had to leave for my dad to make some gear box part for a company (one of his many odd jobs). I was glad they came because I was worried they wouldn’t. I don’t know why, my parents so rarely let me down I should really give them more credit for how awesome they are. I even had a chance to talk to Primero’s girlfriend at the party. We so seldom interact that I wanted to use this opportunity to try to turn over a new leaf and start disliking her a lot less. She sure doesn’t make it easy! Our conversation was good and I felt like it was a turning point into hopefully something of mutual respect that could blossom into a true relationship. But, then there was the “after party.” I rented the hall where Primero attends the after school programs, so his friend who works there helped me out with the cleanup and whatnot. We were supposed to be out by 8:30 because that is how long I had rented the hall. It was nearly 9 by the time we were leaving. A bunch of kids, including the girl who was responsible for cleaning up and locking up, were still there. I should have insisted they leave before we did but I was exhausted, the babies were tired and my friend (who is 72 years old) was wiped out. We needed to go rest. So, we left. I believed the girl (she is 18 almost 19) would do the responsible thing, chase the kids away, maybe have one or two to stay and help her, then lock up and head home. Um, no. They stayed and enjoyed lap dances that they recorded and put on Snapchat for the world to see. And this included Primero’s girlfriend (see, not making it easy for me to like her!!!). And these children act as if a lap dance is some innocent thing, since body parts were not skin-to-skin touching. Lord what is wrong with this world??? I’m so angry about this, about how their dirty little minds have corrupted Primero’s birthday party and made their “after party” the talk of the town, rubbing it in Primero’s face. I’m angry how the girlfriend not only tried to hide her actions (she lied through omission) but how she doesn’t think it’s a big deal after she punched a boy at the party for kissing Primero’s neck while they were dancing (yeah, not great – I swear these kids need to be hosed down with some cold water!). Hello pot, this is the kettle, YOU’RE BLACK! I told Primero I want to contact each and every one of these miscreants and tell them just how horrid they are and what terrible friends (girlfriend) they are and then I want to tell their mothers. I mean, I get that teenagers are hormonal and horny, but this is ridiculous! They need to get a life, find a hobby, take a cold shower, SOMETHING! Seriously, who does this? I’m most disappointed in the older girl, the one who was there working, because I sincerely thought she would have controlled the situation better, not let all the kids engage in some lude after party antics. I really have half a mind to contact the administrator about it but I fear this would cause a permanent rift in many relationships for Primero. And, I really hate how crappy this all has made him feel. His memories of his 16^th birthday party have been tarnished because his friends are animals unable to control themselves. Can you tell this has me irritated?!

In other news, Primero told me last night he spoke with his mother and she wants to see him. That’s how he told me, not he wants to visit her, but she wants to see him. Apparently, she asked to see him on his birthday but he told her we already had plans, which we did. So, I asked him what he had in mind for this visit and gave him different scenarios. First of all, his mother is about 40 minutes away in another city, so we would need to consider transportation. I asked if he would like to just have me drop him off and then come back for him at a designated time. He nixed that idea. So, I asked if he would want it to be just him with me or if he would want the little ones there as well. This matters mostly because if the little ones have to go to respite I would need to coordinate that before we could plan the visit. I asked what he thought we could do, the weather might not be nice enough to go to a park and hang out, so maybe a local coffee shop? If the little ones are along, it might be more difficult to find a comfortable place to hang out. Then I stuck my foot in it and asked if he wanted her to come to our place. I don’t even know why I said that because I don’t see it as a viable option. But, he seemed to latch onto this idea, thinking it would be great to show her his room and hang out. This is my least favorite option for several reasons. One, it would mean driving 40 minutes to pick her up, then 40 minutes back home only to repeat the process after the visit. Two, it would mean massive cleaning needs to happen and three, I hate feeling uncomfortable in my own home and that is very likely to happen. So, Primero will talk to her about what they want to do for this visit and we will take it from there. I’m not looking forward to it, especially if he decides he wants it to be just the three of us – yikes!

By the Numbers

The county case worker emailed me this morning asking if I knew where things were at in the adoption process for Primero. I responded that the CHOR adoption case worker had been over last week and quoted the end of November as the expected date to be submitting the file to the adoption attorney and waiting for the finalization date. The county case worker responded that she was going to reach out to the CHOR adoption case worker to see if this could be expedited at all so we would not have to attend the next permanency hearing in January. My heart leapt at this news, flaming the hope that his adoption would be finalized before the end of the year. I wrote back that we were both anxious for the adoption to be completed. By his birthday, Primero will have lived with me for 617 days, 14,808 hours. And of that time, 549 days and 13,176 hours have been spent waiting for this adoption. If he is adopted by the end of the year, he will have spent 913 days in the foster care system and 603 days waiting for adoption. If he isn’t adopted by the end of March (which I’m hoping is highly unlikely) he will spend 1,000 days in the foster care system with 758 of those days being in my home. I don’t know why I spent time figuring that all out, other than the fact that numbers speak to people, so there it is. I’m hoping the county case worker can nudge the case to move along a bit faster and that we can finalize his adoption before Christmas. I don’t know if that’s realistic, but that is my hope.

The Why

Last week the CHOR adoption case worker came over to update my family profile and complete any odds and ends regarding the adoption application. She asked first about my name change and divorce. She asked why I (suddenly) decided to change my last name back to my maiden name. I explained that it wasn’t a sudden change, it was just that the divorce had finally happened and so I was legally able to change my name back, rather than continue to use his last name. She asked if the divorce represented a loss to me. Really? How could it not represent a loss, unless I never loved my ex to begin with….. But, I did love him and so yes, it was a loss. Then she asked how it was a loss. Seriously? I know she was just doing her job and all, but it was kinda crazy. The divorce was a loss of my marriage, a loss of love and trust, and a loss of the man I had fallen in love with. I was glad to move on from that topic. I didn’t find it painful to talk about it, I found it was annoying. Luckily, we moved on after my answer on how divorce was a loss to me.

She asked some other generic questions until she got to the big one – why did I decide to adopt Primero when I was so adamant about adopting a younger child? She said it was something “they” would want to know – whoever “they” are…. While I understand why they would question this, I also felt a bit like they were looking the gift horse in the mouth. From all reports by case workers and other CHOR staff, Primero and I were bonded and accepting of one another, just like a family. Why question the why when there’s never been a reason to before? Maybe this is something the county would want to know, since they are mostly out-of-the-loop when it comes to interpersonal understanding. So, I told her the story, similar to the one I expressed here and I elaborated on the whole turmoil I felt about keeping him as a foster care placement after the horrendous planning meeting and how I had no peace about the situation until we had a plan. It does me good to remember this story because it reminds me of just how special Primero is and I know it will help us get through these trying teenage years. The CHOR adoption case worker said it was a good story, and said that everyone at CHOR thinks I’m a rock star. I’m not, for the record. I think this blog clearly explains all my neuroses and idiosyncrasies, thus proving my fallible, human status.

Before she left she said she hoped to have the whole profile submitted to the adoption lawyer by the end of November. I held my breath so I wouldn’t make a face. She had originally old me by the end of October. She copied me on an email she sent to the county worker stating she hoped to have our file submitted in 2-3 weeks. And from what I heard, this means another 6-8 week wait for a date. So much for completing the adoption before the new year! This is so disappointing, but it is what it is and no amount of griping will change the course. Primero will be adopted when he is 16 years old. I don’t know if he would have agreed to the adoption knowing he would be so old when it happened. But, here we are, Primero will turn 16 in 4 days and the adoption is still looming on the horizon. Oh how slowly the wheels of this system turn!