Not so Perfect Timing

I can’t help but think about timing. There have been many points along this journey where I thought it would have been a perfect time to get a placement for one sentimental reason or another. Once again, I am thinking “now would be the perfect time” and not just because I am anxious about finally being able to adopt. Tomorrow I will be able to leave work a few hours early, thanks to the governor, and that is followed by a 4 day weekend for the Thanksgiving holiday (we have off Black Friday but not Good Friday – score one for consumerism). What better time to take in a child and spend guilt-free days getting settled (yes, I feel guilty if I take off work for a new placement – my boss next to never takes a day off and he passive-aggressively expects everyone else to follow his example). What is that saying about man making plans and God laughing? It’s just another reminder that my timing is not God’s timing and surely He has this whole event planned down to the exact perfect minute. Even if that minute is not the one I think is perfect……

Some days are hard

The boy I was supposed to have for respite this past weekend never came – his foster mother changed her mind about needing respite. I’m still a little miffed about being asked to take him as a foster care placement. I guess what bothers me the most is that it makes me feel like I’m good enough to be a foster mother but not good enough to be an adoptive mother. Like, why won’t I just be what they need me to be? I haven’t heard anything about any other potential placements and the only viable placement was one I said no to. It has been just about two months and I’m starting to get the itch. I want my phone to ring. I want to hear something, have an interview, something, anything so I feel like I am moving and not just standing still waiting. I mentioned to a foster-to-adopt friend about feeling like the case workers at CHOR don’t care about what I want they just want to fill the need they have in front of them. She understood and said the case worker was probably told to call me and see if she could butter me up and convince me to take the kid as a foster placement. She said it took her and her husband a solid 5-6 months waiting to be placed with the daughter they finally adopted. I did not find this very encouraging. They were a couple waiting that long! Do I have any hope as a single mother? Some days I have to force myself to believe that my child is out there and that I shouldn’t just give up and move on with my life. I mentioned to my friend that I wanted to give up and she said no, think of all the money you spent doing this – to me, this is not a reason to not give up. Besides, I didn’t spend money to be approved to adopt my paperwork was paid for by CHOR because I had a foster care placement at the time. Some days I just wonder if I’m really meant to be a mother. I feel like at every turn there is some impediment to me finally becoming a full-fledged mother, not a wanna-be foster mother. First, there was the issue of uncovering a fertility problem. Then the issue of not being able to pursue a more aggressive infertility treatment followed by a placement that was taken away. And now, here I sit waiting and not getting any real interest in placing a child in my home. I don’t want to admit defeat but I’m getting rather discouraged. I think it’s a good thing we don’t always know where our life’s journey will take us because I think if I had known all the heartache and pain I would have endured on this path, I might have opted out. I don’t let myself think about it, but sometimes I still get flummoxed by how easy it seems for some women to get pregnant and how hard it can be for others who are so desperate to be a mother. I want to stay positive. I want to keep believing that my perfect child is out there and that God has a great big wonderful plan for my life. But, some days are harder than others to truly believe that there is more to life than heartache and pain.  

Would you be a resource?

I feel like history is re-writing itself. Or maybe I'm just on a carousel ride I simply can't get off. I was called for a respite placement this weekend. A 13 year old boy. Forgetting I have my Bible study tomorrow night, I said yes. But, that's not the problem. The problem is that the social worker from CHOR who called me asked me if I would consider being a resource for this kid. That's foster care speak for taking him as a foster care placement. Um, what? Seriously? I mean, did you really just ask me that - to take in a foster care placement when I am finally, finally, finally waiting for my own child with an empty house? When I have two potential placements hanging out, awaiting notice on what has been decided, you ask me to take in a foster care placement? It actually makes me angry. Did I not just get out of a situation where I, through the kindness of my heart, took in two kids for what was supposed to be 6-8 weeks and turned into 9 + months? And, now you ask me to do it again? Do you even give a damn what I want? Or am I just a pawn that you need to slip into place to suit your current needs? When I called back to speak to the case worker, I told her I was totally fine with taking the placement for respite this weekend but I WANT TO ADOPT!!!! Taking in another foster care placement would not allow me to do that. I have one extra bedroom and I am a single person. So, that means once I get a placement I'm not going to be getting calls about other legal risk or adoption placements. Why is this so hard to understand? Right after the last two left I was asked by one of the supervisors if I wanted to get calls for foster placement or just legal risk/adoption. I said I only wanted contact about legal risk or adoption cases. That is it. My wish was granted for roughly 7 weeks and now I'm being asked to take in a child. After I told her that I was waiting for an adoption placement, the case worker told me to see how this weekend goes and to let her know on Monday. As if I had never spoken about not wanting a foster care case. I don't want to get frustrated, but I'm feeling rather like this will just never happen. I will never be able to adopt because I keep getting ensnared in something else. It's like the second I said I would be willing to take in foster care I was stuck with it and not able to escape. Sure, everyone went through the motions of preparing me for adoption, but now that it is the time for an actual placement to become my child, the adoption placement eludes me, it's held just out of my grasp and instead foster care placements are tossed at me like scraps to a whiny dog. Maybe becoming a mother is just futile. Maybe I should just realize it is just never gonna happen for me. What would it take for me to just stop, to give up and just live my solitary life? I mean, I guess I could be a foster mother forever, if I wanted.......

It's Hard

I was emailed about another placement today. Two sisters one older than I had mentioned being interested in adopting, but they are very cute little girls, so I said yes. I’m still waiting to hear about two different sisters that I was emailed about last week more in my comfort zone age-wise. While I find it near impossible to not think about them, I do a fairly good job of not getting my hopes up too high. Many times I say yes and never hear another thing. I want to be patient, to calmly wait for my baby to reach me, but it is hard. It is hard when every night I fall asleep thinking about holding my baby, learning his/her personality and little quirks, of loving him/her so wholly and totally. It’s hard when every time my phone rings at work I answer it hoping to hear “This is So-an-so from CHOR. I have a placement.” It’s hard when I dream about seeing Christmas morning through my baby’s eyes. It’s hard when I go into the extra bedroom and see the empty bed and the empty crib all made up for my baby. It’s hard when a co-worker brings me a bag of kids’ books and says, “I know there are no kids in your house now, but I thought you might like these.” It’s hard when my parents talk about the children who have left and how much they miss them and want to know how they are doing. It’s hard when I see baby pictures plastered all over Facebook. It’s hard when I go home to an empty house every night after work. It’s hard when I wake up thinking I hear a baby crying or calling my name. It’s hard when I have to move the bath toys to take a shower. It’s hard when I have been waiting for nearly 5 years and have endured so much loss in that time. It’s just really, really hard.

 

I want to be enjoying my life. After things went south with my marriage, everything got sucked into the black hole of misery and all I could do was concentrate on surviving. Not to say I was miserable, but my over-all rating of life at the time was rather low, probably the lowest it has ever been in my life. Once the initial excruciating pain subsided I was left with a dull ache and a bitterness in my life. I had survived but my wounds were deep and slow to heal. Mentally, I held onto things, to ideas that I eventually found were holding me back and not letting me truly move on. At some point, I realized just how bad things had been in my marriage before it ended and how I was free from all of that and, most importantly, I was glad to be free. Flaco stopped coming around and I stopped waiting for him to be miserable without me. Sometimes, if I let myself think about it (especially, I let myself think about the monetary issues that Flaco left me and how he now has two cars) I still want to exact my revenge. I wish I believed in karma, but I don’t know that I will get to see him get what is coming to him. If I had the money, I would fight him tooth and nail to pay his portion of the debt he walked away from simply to see justice served (and perhaps to cut off my nose to spite my face….). But, I suppose vengeance is the Lords, so I make myself stop thinking about it. Move on. As I slowly emerged from the pain, other emotions like disappointment and bitterness rushed to fill the void. I fought hard to pull away from those vitriolic emotions, trying to latch onto something good. That something good was the two kids I had living with me and the tiniest possibility that their mother wouldn’t get her act together and they could stay. As it became more evident that the children would be going home, I was again struggling with those twin demons of disappointment and bitterness. I wanted a new placement as a quick fix to squash that uprising within me. But, it’s been nearly two months and I am no closer to becoming a mother than I was last year this time. So, I started the dresser project I had planned over the summer and I’ve been thinking about painting my bedroom (I have lived in my house for 7 years now and have never painted my bedroom. Flaco and I could never agree on a color and when he left I just never got around to it). I need to stay busy. I took a bus trip to NYC with a friend this past weekend and we had a great time. We have plans to go back to see the Rockettes in December. And (drum roll please) I’m kind of seeing someone. We started talking in July while he was away working in another state. Now he is back and we finally met face-to-face. I’m not getting my hopes up and we are taking things glacier slow, but it’s a nice distraction from waiting. Yet, there is still something, a miniscule residual feeling of loss, of missing something. I don’t want to say I could never be happy without having a child, but I think there is always a tiny disquiet piece of me that knows something is missing and that something is a baby. In church on Sunday I mentioned something to the pastor’s wife about waiting for my baby to come and she responded with “Yes, your baby” gesturing in front of her stomach for a round pregnant belly. No, Pastora, that is not what I meant. That ship has sailed and has been lost at sea. Sometimes it makes me angry when she keeps insisting I will be having a biological child. It makes me angry because I have given up on it, moved on. Like letting go of a helium balloon, I let it go and watched it soar and fly away. Only, that sounds too nice and neat and not painful at all. Giving up on the thought of having a biological child ranks right up there with one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It’s not serenely letting go of a balloon, it’s vicious and messy like cracking your ribs and tearing your own heart from your chest. It’s not something I would ever want to do again and it’s not something I think I could survive a second time. I’m not willing to see another infertility doctor and endure more testing and letting my hopes get me to think that maybe, just maybe…. Only to have reality smash my teeth in and beat me to a blood pulp. No, there is no going back on this one. Do I wish things were different? I sure as hell do, but it is what it is. I was dealt a lousy hand when it comes to fertility and that’s the only hand I get to play. There’s no sense in cursing out the dealer because it won’t change a thing. Even if I were to get married again, I would need to be very clear to my new husband that infertility is an issue and that I am not willing to travel down that wretched rabbit hole again. If, by some ironic miracle we would get pregnant, I would be over-joyed but I won’t pursue it like I did before. Besides, I hope that I will already be a mother by the time I get remarried, so we will have a child or children and could adopt more, if we so choose. I just can’t go through the whole “let’s get pregnant” thing again. It’s a broken part of me that will never be how it was before – the naiveté has worn off and the truth is harsh and unrelenting – it’s not something I can undo no matter how much I wish I could.

 

So, I keep waiting and praying that I will get the call soon. The longer I wait the more apt I am to accept almost any placement I am given – this I have learned about myself. What I hope for and what I pray for is an infant, but that is a pipe dream. I don’t know if it is because I am not directly with a children and youth county agency or if I am single, but I have a very slimmest of slim chance of getting an infant. I said yes to a 7 year old child, which is two years older than I was hoping for, but I think I feel desperate – like I will take what I can get. I guess that’s not the best attitude to have, but I know I have loved every child I have had living in my house from the 10 year old pre-teen to the 10 day old baby. So, I’m sure I can love any child that comes into my home now and becomes my son or daughter. I guess I just have to keep believing that the child who is meant to me mine will find his/her way to me at the right time and it is all in the Almighty’s Hands.      

Baby Shower Blues

I hate baby showers. Hate them. Seriously. But, Saturday afternoon two weeks ago, I found myself attending a baby shower. A friend of mine (former co-worker) was going to be a grandmother again – her son and his wife are expecting. She called me about a month ago to get  my email address to send me the official e-vite with all the pertinent details. Not having any readily available excuses, I RSVP’d I would attend. And then I began dreading the day. I waited until the absolute last minute to go shopping for the event. The party was at noon and I was in Baby’s-R-Us around 11 that same day. I found some small odds and ends, like soap and wash cloths, that would not take me into the world of baby clothes, and bought them quickly. I left the store in a rush, my chest tight and luckily I made it to the car before the tears began to fall. I was mad at myself – this isn’t about me! It’s about the happy expectant couple and the precious little girl they are having. Don’t make it about you. I didn’t really listen to myself. I bundled the items in tissue paper and plopped them in the gift bag, signed the card and cried on my way to the baby shower. I managed to compose myself in the car and walk into the restaurant where the shower was held with dry eyes. I didn’t know anyone, just my friend and her daughter and little granddaughter. I ended up sitting with some cousins and we had a great time joking and carrying on. I left just as the radiant couple began opening gifts. The tightness in my chest had returned and I needed to flee. I cried all the way home and hated myself for it. It’s stupid, it really is. There’s no reason to get so worked up about something that has nothing to do with you. But, it’s just a reminder that there is no need for me to have a baby shower. Yes, I know that some people who adopt have a modified baby shower, but I don’t want that. I don’t. I’m fine if people want to celebrate with me and give gifts for me or the baby, but I don’t want some pathetic excuse for a baby shower – surprise! There’s a kid living with you! Um, no. No thank you. So, on the list of things I won’t ever experience in life, add recipient of a baby shower.

 

The Sunday after the baby shower I was at Walmart getting some Ziploc containers for homemade applesauce that my parents and I were planning to make. I wanted some bubble bath because I like soaking in the warm suds when it is cold outside. Above the grown-up bubble bath was a shelf full of kiddie bubble bath and before I could decide between warm vanilla or soothing lavender, I found myself looking at the fizzy bubble bath and the various shades of crayons to use in the bathtub. The two little kids that left last month were on my mind. They loved the colored soap my mom got them and I thought about how much they would like these crayons to use when taking a bath. I resolved to buy them some and send it to their mom for Christmas. I guess that is silly but I want to do it nonetheless. Facing another childless Christmas, I need to do something to find some holiday cheer. Last year I just wanted to skip the holiday season. I was so miserable and  hurting and I just wanted it to be all over with – I wanted to wake up in the new year. It was salt in the wounds of an unbearable year full of melancholy and injustice. I want this year to be much nicer, in fact I think I will even get a tree this year (assuming I can put it up by myself!). And perhaps I will put up lights and other trappings of joyfulness and cheer. If I have to live a childless life, I need to find a way to live that life to the fullest. I can’t ignore the holidays or any other events in life just because I was hoping to finally  celebrate that event as a mother. And, just like the baby shower, the holidays aren’t about me.  

I Said No

I met with the adoption coordinator this afternoon so I could read over the profile for the little boy I expressed interest in during the matching event. I read all 26 pages but had already made my decision about half-way through. I was not the right fit for this little guy. His story is so sad which makes it understandable that he has behavioral issues, but that combined with his multiple mental health diagnosis makes us incompatible. But the amount of loss this child has endured is just heart-breaking. After I voiced my decision, the adoption case worker informed me she was awaiting a response regarding the other potential placement she had seen at the matching event and she again encouraged me to attend the next matching event next week. She did let me know that she has an intern trolling the SWAN website for potential placements for me (and other potential adoptive families). She assured me that my perfect child is out there and that eventually we shall meet. She said it was good I was open to foster-to-adopt and legal risk placements because that opened up more possibilities. I was glad to hear I was still being considered for legal risk placements because I worried they were only looking at strict adoption placements for me. So, I guess things are just slow with placements at the moment. My wait continues.....

Finally Some Referrals

Finally! I have finally gotten a referral that sounds pretty darn perfect for me – although, it’s far from being a done deal. I had found a three potential little boys that I was interested in from the matching event this past weekend. One response, for a baby with medical issues, was that they needed to place him with a family where there is one stay-at-home parent with some medical knowledge – so, not me. The other little boy is actually a child with CHOR through another agency (this can get quite confusing) and I am supposed to visit the adoption coordinator to talk about him tomorrow. She had also sent me a flier regarding two little girls she had seen at the event, that I had somehow missed. This is the one I am more excited about. The girls are just so darn cute in the photo and their behavioral issues are certainly something I have encountered before. The adoption coordinator will contact the agency about them and let me know, so of course I am not holding my breath! I was getting pretty worried not hearing a thing for over a month (other than the rash of calls for respite weekend placements). I don’t want to get discouraged, I want to remain strong in my faith that my perfect child is out there for me (not saying the child is perfect but that our match is perfect, we fit together). I need to be patient, something I don’t always find easy to do. I want to believe that there are plenty of agency case workers out there who can see the merit in placing a child in my home, but I fear that the majority of them are more old-fashioned and would much rather see a child in a two-parent home. I rag on myself constantly about the decision I made to forge ahead as a single woman and adopt a child now, rather than wait until I’m remarried or very near to it. I don’t know why I can’t just give up on my desire to be a mother and perhaps I am past the point of no return. Now I have tunnel vision – all I can see is the baby at the end of the tunnel, I see nothing on my left and nothing on my right, my eyes are fixed on the goal. Every night I go to bed dreaming of my baby, a precious tiny newborn wrapped in warm blankets making those precious mewling newborn noises. I so poignantly remember last November when I did have that precious baby and her older sisters and I miss them so terribly. I know it’s not nice to choose favorites, but if I had to, those three would be my favorite placement to date; not that I didn’t love all the children I have taken care of, but there was just something special about the three of them…. I think of them and my heart aches. But, I think this is my hearts’ permanent condition, like a bum knee aching before the rain. So, I soldier on, I wait as patiently as possible, and I pray that everything works out just as it is supposed to work out……

Matching

I went to a matching event this afternoon. As a matter of course, I don't particularly enjoy matching events. This was the third one I've been to and I have felt equally as awkward and hopeless at each one. Matching events are more directed towards finding homes for older children. And sometimes, like today, the children are there to meet people who are hoping to adopt. Today I noticed some children that I have seen on the PA SWAN website for children needing homes. That was odd and disconcerting - seeing them as real, living, breathing children in the flesh. They were mostly teenagers. As much as it breaks my heart to think how much they just want a family to pick them, to love them, I cannot consider adopting and older child. I would never feel like a mother, just a big sister. I guess I'm just justifying my feelings of inadequacies. More than anything I desperately want to adopt a baby, an infant. I feel like it is a futile wish, a pipe dream, something I don't deserve because I'm not good enough to have working lady parts so why should I get a baby.... Yeah, that's how it feels.....

So, I did find a few potential little ones that I brought to the attention of the CHOR representatives that were at the matching event. They will follow up on my behalf and let me know where things stand later this week. I'm not holding my breath. Both are little boys and both have moderate health issues that will most likely require continued support services. I'm just anxious to get my baby! At least going to the matching event made me feel like I was doing something. I would hate to say that it was a waste, but I certainly didn't feel like I achieved anything..... Hopefully that call will come soon!