The Virtues of Turnips

Last weekend we went to the local farmers market where my dad works. With the WIC Chica Marie receives we also get a few vouchers to use on locally grown fruits and vegetables that can only be used at a farmers market. So, I was talking with the Mennonite man who runs and owns the stand and he was helping me with my purchases, while Primero held a whimpering Chica Marie (I’m not sure what she was upset about, it happens so often lately) and Esperanza was trying to entertain a wiggly Love Bug. At one point the man paused, looked up at the kids and asked, “Are they all yours?” I nodded and he commented on the age differences and said, pointing to Love Bug, “so he’ll be the baby until the next one comes, huh?” I laughed nervously thinking, “Next one? Highly unlikely the county would place another baby with me!” And then it dawned on me – he thought they were mine, like by birth! So, I muttered, “Well, they’re adopted.” And hoped this would return our conversation to the virtues of turnips and away from the children. The man looked at me from under the brim of his straw hat. I saw pity in his eyes and looked away as he said, “So you and your husband were unable to have any babies?” The alarm bells began ringing in my head and my stomach lurched at both the “husband” comment and the implication of infertility. I swallowed and picked up a cucumber for inspection while muttering, “Yeah, something like that.” I tried desperately to steer the conversation back to produce, but he persisted with his line of questioning. “What all did you try? Did you try anything?” Getting frustrated and flustered as other shoppers gathered for help purchasing green beans, I sputtered, “Yeah, we tried stuff and then he left, so…” please stop interrogating me! “It’s so hard,” he lamented, “We’ve been wanting little ones too for so long and we get impatient waiting.” Oh. The questioning had a motive not just sheer nosiness, but a desire for deeper understanding, seeking a kindred soul in the mess of infertility. I softened a bit and forgave him for prying. He threw in a few extra handfuls of green beans after he already weighed them and sort of offered me a job to fill in at their stand when someone was sick. He wished us well and as we walked away I felt relieved it was over and glad the children couldn’t hear the conversation. It had been a long time since I’ve had to deal with the infertility questions. Most people just accept that they are mine and go back to minding their own business.

We are still waiting to see if Primero will be accepted into a new charter school. Unfortunately, I noticed in the newspaper last week the districts school board is trying to get them shut down, claiming they have poor performance records. It’s a case of the pot calling the kettle black because the city school district has atrocious performance records and a pathetic graduation rate, so who are they to cast stones? If they do manage to shut the charter school down, it would take a few years and so my hope is that Primero can just get through school, even if they are bickering about it still. If the charter school does get shut down or denied new applicants, then Primero will continue with the cyber charter school is already attending. He’s been doing much better and performing better overall, so my hope is this will continue and he will pass 9^th grade on his merit instead of his age. We shall see!

Things went well at the meeting with Esperanza’s school. The meeting was actually not necessary since nothing new came out from the school talking to the other students. She was able to return to school today but we had an appointment scheduled for her to see her psychiatrist, so she was going to be going into school late. Unfortunately, all of this was waylaid due to car troubles. I could vomit! I’ve had the van back from the garage for a week and now it won’t start. We charged the battery and nothing. My dad brought a new battery over and still nothing. It could the starter, but he isn’t sure. I hate cars! The other thing Esperanza and I wanted to do today was go to the local representatives office to see about getting help to get her birth certificate. We tried to get her lab work done for the psychiatrist and her insurance has expired and not been reinstated, so it’s just a huge pickle and I don’t even know how to unravel it. I can’t believe this girl was left in this mess!

Esperanza and I have begun planning Primero’s surprise 16^th birthday party. I’m hoping to be able to hold it at the facility where he has his after school program. This would make it familiar to him, plus it would keep it in the city and hopefully allow his family and friends to attend. We decided to go with a black and white music theme. I’m trying to figure out how we could set up a photo booth for his friends to take pictures (there are programs I could download to the computer, I’m looking into it) and I’m hoping to be able to hire a DJ. Money has been so tight with the car issues, I’m worried I won’t be able to do the things I was hoping to do, but I’ll figure it out.

If I let it continue...

Esperanza got into a fight at school last week. So, now I’m trying to help her through that mess. From what I understand about the story, the other girl was talking about her to a friend on the bus after school. Esperanza let it go but they continued going on and on and so she made a derogatory comment about the girl not having her son (he’s in foster care) because of the way she acts. This resulted in the other girl punching Esperanza in the head and face, breaking her glasses and bruising and cutting her left eye. Both girls were suspended for 5 days. Esperanza is worried she won’t be allowed to attend the homecoming dance because of the fight. And this is so unfortunate because we discovered homecoming is the week after Hermano’s football game, so she didn’t have to choose between the two events. She was also worried about getting in legal trouble because she is 18 and the other girl is only 17. It’s a mess. I’m going with her for a meeting at school to try to work it all out.

Last Friday Primero’s mom posted on Facebook that she would be in town at a park and tagged people, including Primero, to come see her there. I asked Primero if he wanted to go and he said no. I asked him three times, three ways and the answer was no each time. So, I let it drop. Saturday we were running errands and had just gotten home to eat the pizza we picked up when his phone rang. It was his younger sister. She was at a local Burger King with their mom and she wanted to see him. It was a few minutes before 4 and she would be there until 5. Primero said he would have to ask me and I was irritated. Once again, no planning. Once again we are expected to drop everything to meet on their whim. Of course we went. He hasn’t seen his mother since March. Of course it was awkward and I was irritated by the whole dam thing, plus trying to keep a squirmy 14 month old content added to the arduousness of the task. We were there for roughly 30 minutes. We would have been there longer but they didn’t specify the Burger King and so we went to a different one initially. When we met with his therapist to renew his goals on Monday, I brought up how frustrating it was to deal with the lack of planning. She said as long as I let it continue, it will. I explained that I hated being the bad guy especially when he so infrequently is given an opportunity to see his family, especially his mom. How else do I strike a balance and keep the peace? If I start denying him access to his family, I’m the bad guy. If I start making demands, I’m the bad guy. Yet, the therapist is right – the longer I let them give us the run around, the longer it will go on. It’s not easy…..

During the therapy session I expressed my doubts and uncertainties about how to proceed with Primero’s family. Or at least I tried to. It was hard to exactly express what I was feeling, I couldn’t identify why it was different for Primero than it was for the little ones. I thought perhaps because Primero has more history with his family and that made it more awkward. I tried to describe how I was unsure of how to proceed; do I develop my own independent relationship with his aunt and uncle and perhaps his mom? Do I still attend their family functions even after Primero is adopted and old enough to take himself? Or do I let it all up to Primero, allow him to dictate how we interact, to what extent we forge a bond beyond him? I was frustrated with myself for lacking the eloquence to truly describe this, as I have done just now and then it hit me. I’m struggling with this because I don’t see myself as Primero’s mother. That piece of my heart that was so tortured during the whole “mom” debate has fled into the dark recesses of my inner self, hiding behind think, impenetrable layers and denying the mantle of motherhood, specifically for Primero. For the little ones I have found my role and I know my place, who I am to them and who I am to their extended family, barring their mother. But, for Primero I’ve removed myself from a position of “mom” to one of parental guardian, a sort of nondescript, semi-authoritative position that almost defies the normative parent-child relationship. And, if my position to him is so unremarkable, then it is even more insipid when it comes to his family. Is it any wonder then that I don’t know how to proceed and feel a cocktail mixture of confusion, frustration, fear, and uncertainty when it comes to Primero’s family? How do I make this make sense? How do I find my footing and work my way out of this? Surely, feeling like a non-parent to a child I’m adopting is not a good thing, yet I don’t know how else to feel. Lest anyone think differently, my confusion over the semantics of “mom” does not dictate how much I love and care for Primero, nor does it change how I treat him or raise him. It’s an internal struggle that seems mostly to affect how I view my place within his family.

I’ve been trying to get the little one’s together with their older sister and the other foster mom has been lax on getting back to me. The grandmother reached out to me the other day and asked about the visit I had promised and I explained the reason for the delay. She said she is meeting with the county case worker to see about gaining custody of the older sister and I said that would make it much easier for the children to spend time together. Our CHOR case worker has been trying to come out for a few weeks now and things keep getting in the way of her plans. I want to ask her what she knows about the little one’s case, if anything is happening or if everything is on hold until their next court date in December. At our court date in July, I think it was mentioned that the paperwork had been or was being filed for TPR, but I’m not 100% certain that is what I heard. Thus far no mention has been made of reinstating visits, so it seems like things are same old, same old. Hopefully the CHOR case worker knows more than I do….

Busy, Busy Bees

Life has been so busy lately that I simply haven’t had a chance to write. Lots of things have been happening, but nothing really earth-shattering, thank goodness. We had a visit with Primero’s aunt and uncle on Labor Day. It was fine, but it really bugged me that they waited to invite “us” (really, they invite Primero knowing it’s kind of an all or nothing deal) until the last minute and so it meant changing the plans I had made with my family. And this caused some hurt feelings since the plans had already been made and then I announced we would be leaving early. Sigh. I don’t know how to get around this. I’ve expressed my displeasure to Primero that his family waits until the very last minute and I find that rude and also disruptive, but since the invite isn’t coming to me and really I have no way of asking for things to be planned in advance, I feel like my hands are tied. And I don’t like to deny Primero a visit since they happen so infrequently. Double sigh. I guess I really need a way to tactfully tell the aunt and uncle that we need a little more notice in order to plan a little better. The only issue is, I have no way of contacting his aunt and uncle other than through him. I guess I need to work on that. Maybe I will just send them a friend request on Facebook and see how they respond and try to open up some more dialogue with them. I would like to preemptive and have some protocol in place before the holiday season is upon us.

I fear in the future that Primero will always pick spending time with his biological family on the holidays and so maybe I'm a little clingy right now, hoping to squeeze in every last drop of time with him that I can. I guess that's stupid, but I know he has a preference for the family he's known all his life over the family he is going to be joining very soon. I can understand it, at face value, because he has more history with his biological family than with me or my family. But understanding and feeling are not the same thing and while I hope I have enough grace to bow out when that time comes, I'm sure it will break my heart into a million billion pieces.

We found out through the county case worker that Hermano had been trying to reach out to Primero. The county worker sent us a list of Hermano’s football games and the good news is that there is one very close to our house. The bad news is that Esperanza has her homecoming that same night and has asked Primero to attend with her. So, we are leaving the decision up to Esperanza. If they go to the homecoming dance I will most likely still attend the football game to give Hermano some support. I know Hermano has been having visits with his mom, but I don’t think he’s had much more interaction with his family and I feel bad for him. I’m not saying it wasn’t his own poor choices that put him in the current situation, but he’s still just a kid and I know that it’s hard being away from everyone who cares about you.

A few weeks ago Primero received a phone call from his mom. He said he didn't want to tell me about it but he made mention of it and so I asked for the full story. Apparently, they talked off and on for most of the day. She told him she was sad no one seemed to be bothering with her since she is living in a different county, but she's fine and trying to get herself in a better place. I worry that she uses Primero to soothe her self-doubt because she knows in him she will (almost) always find a sympathetic ear, unlike his oldest brother and Esperanza. Primero is forever faithful and forgiving, especially towards his mother. I offered to take him to see her, assuming it would be permitted by the facility where she is staying. He said she could get visitors but he didn't want to go see her. He said right now they are just talking over the phone and he felt like that was a good first step. I was surprised to hear him say that, but glad that he’s trying to put up some healthy boundaries to preserve his precious heart.

So, the daycare where Chica Marie and Love Bug have been attending for a year closed suddenly last month. My friend and her twin sister were the owners and they just decided they had enough being small business owners as well as full-time employees in other locations. I was so upset that they were closing but I reached out to the foster mom who used to baby-sit Love Bug when he was so teeny-tiny and where Chica Marie lived before moving in with me. She took the children in with no problem – except the financial piece changed. Because the children are foster children I get assistance through our local intermediate unit and only pay a very small co-pay for daycare. Unfortunately, because the other foster mom does not own a state licensed daycare the rate of pay was much less for her and less than half of her going rate. So, I had to make up the difference and it was a real struggle, so I had to move the children again. They started at a new daycare this past Monday and my co-pay is back to what it had been previously. My heart hurts for Love Bug because I know he is so clingy and needy and he won’t get the same coddling as he did with the other foster mom and her family or even at his previous daycare where there were fewer little ones. But, I suppose it will be good for him to get a little more independent and a little less clingy, so I’m sure it will be good for him too. Chica Marie is happier in a daycare because she has more to do, more friends and a structured scheduled she didn’t have at the foster home. The daycare is managed and owned by a pastor and his wife and they are very nice people. I’m happy with where the children are going now and glad I found this place. It was scary taking the kids to a daycare where I didn’t know anyone, but it worked out.

My van is getting fixed finally. This has been one stressful mess, but soon it will be over and for that I am grateful. The rental car I have right now is a Jeep Compass and I hate it. I hate how small it is, the design of the car, and even how it drives. I would much rather have my clunky old van back versus driving this car. Plus, I hate the nervousness of driving a rental car for an extended period of time. I worry about every little bump and maneuver. I’ll be glad to get my van back and take a load off my mind. And, if I ever get a chance to buy a new car you can bet it won’t be a Jeep Compass!