Don't Call Me Mommy

A new issue has surfaced with the kid’s mother. She called me Sunday afternoon to inform me that it has come to her attention that the older child has been calling me “Mommy” and this needs to stop. Excuse me? First of all, I never asked or suggested that the child call me anything but my name. I don’t even require the kids call me Miss So-and-so, just my first name. The child chose to start calling me “Mommy” and at first I didn’t even respond to it because I assumed she was talking about her mother. Lately, she calls me “Mommy” as much if not more than she calls me by my name. Apparently, the other relative (who is not related to the mom) commented on the child calling me “Mommy” when she is dropped off at my house. The mother asked for this to stop but I refuse to tell a little child they cannot call me “Mommy.” And, the conversation was totally focused on the older child but hey, guess what? The little guy calls me “Mommy” too! In fact, I think that he thinks I am his mommy. Due to his age, he is at the stage where he is super-clingy and even with people he knows and likes, like the baby-sitter and my parents, he wants me to hold him and gets upset when I leave the room. But, I did not relate that to the mother. I simply told her that she needs to address her concerns to the county case worker and that it is her issue. The mother made sure to get her little digs in, telling me it should not be a problem because I have no children and there are no other children in my home calling me “Mommy” for the child to emulate. She also pointed out that “this” was not a problem before, only in my house. I’m sorry that she feels threatened by her child calling another woman “Mommy” but it is not the huge issue she would like to make it out to be. In my opinion, she needs to put on her big girl panties, get her act together to get her kids back and this will all be over with - then none of her children will call anyone but her “Mommy.” But, until then she will need to contend with “Mommy Foster Mom” and “Mommy Bio-mom” because that is how the child sees it. 

Another Potential Placement

I got a call first thing Thursday morning from the adoption coordinator at CHOR. She wanted to let me know that earlier last week she had gotten an email referral for a 2 year old and 3 year old boy and girl (not sure which is which) seeking a pre-adoptive home placement. They are from another county and are healthy but have some developmental delays. She was calling to let me know that she had already forwarded along my home study. She also mentioned seeing an email from an agency interested in two of the adoptive families with CHOR – she wasn’t sure if I was one of those families and was not in the office for the rest of the week. She mentioned having spoken to my family worker – apparently word gets around – and understood I was feeling frustrated and hopeless. I guess this was supposed to bolster my feelings. I’m fine with CHOR having forwarded my information to another county, but I would almost rather not know anything until something is happening. I wouldn’t say that my hopes are up about this potential placement (I know better than that), but it does give me something to wonder about, something to feel bad about if I am not chosen yet again. It’s also a complication due to my current situation. My friend and fellow adoptive mother said, “this is why you should put in your 30 days notice” when I told her about the potential placement. She sees my current placement as a black hole sucking all potential placements away. It is an impediment to my goal, but I don’t think I could live with myself if I so selfishly pushed these kids out of my home. Still, I guess it’s good to know that there is someone keeping an eye out for a potential placement for me. The adoption coordinator mentioned that CHOR always takes my home study along to matching events and looks for potential placements for me. The ages I am willing to accept don’t generally get showcased at matching events unless they have severe physical or developmental issues. I guess, if you look at it from CHOR’s perspective, I have no reason to be so impatient, I’ve only been waiting since December. But, that’s not the full story. First, I waited for over 3 years just trying to get pregnant. Then, I waited through the training and wait period for our first placement over a year ago. And here I am again – over 4 years since I first started trying to create a family – waiting for *my* child. It is hard to imagine life beyond this stage of waiting and wishing and hoping. It is hard to imagine finally getting to make all the decisions for my child and not needing to clear it with some agency or notify someone of every move I make. It will be nice to get out of the glass house and just live life. If I ever reach this stage. Lately, the prospect of me actually becoming an adoptive mother seems so impossible, I might as well expect to find myself landing on the moon before it happens. Who knows. God has a plan and everything will work out in His time, not mine. I just wish He would hurry up already!!!

Toxic Foster Care

I think, of all the trainings I have attended at CHOR, Tuesday night’s training was the one to really cause me to take a step back and reconsider what I am doing and if it will ever work out. It was a small group and we were talking about how visitation between children in foster care and their relatives, especially their parents, is a right. This is foster parenting 101 – parents have a right to see their children. But, the CHOR family worker presenting the information mentioned how not only are visits a right but, despite what seems like contrary evidence visible in our homes, it is “good” for the children. Back to the old “these behaviors are to be expected” shtick. But, it was the “studies say” portion of the training that caused me to delve into deeper contemplation. According to the CHOR family worker, studies have been done proving that children are “better off” with family. This is why reunification is the goal in foster care. The studies were not cited so I have no other reference than what I heard last night, but I’m really wondering, in my desire to “do what is right for the child(ren)” is adoption even the “right” thing? On the surface, taking a child from a home is done for the child’s safety, therefore a “better” alternative than the child suffering abuse or neglect or whatever is happening. But, if a child does “better” in foster care when they are able to have regular contact with their parent(s) and that they do “better” overall when they are able to go home then is adoption a “better” option? I suppose, in the case of a child who has been abandoned or abused to their extreme detriment, then adoption must be the “better” choice for them – life is better than the threat of death. So, where does this leave the adoptive parent(s)? I have been expounding on the virtue of putting the interest of the child(ren) in care ahead of all else, yet I want to adopt. If the studies are right, then by adopting I might not be doing what is in the very best interest of the child. Don’t read this article (http://www.nccpr.org/reports/evidence.pdf) if you are fostering, you will feel more evil than The Wicked Witch of the West, the Grinch, and Cruella DeVil all rolled into one! The article actually calls the foster care system “toxic” and to be used only in the very worse situations of imminent harm to the child(ren). I don’t want to be toxic! I want to have a loving home with a child to call my own. I know people who have adopted through the foster care system. They have lovely families and happy children.

I guess I need to stop thinking about it. I mean, honestly, I’ve had a hard time dealing with the whole “reunification” thing and I figured it was due to my desire to adopt – to keep a kid. I guess I erroneously assumed that being in a happy, healthy home environment was “better” than being mistreated, ignored, abused, neglected or subjected to a distasteful life-style. Now, if I believe the “evidence” it seems children would be better off in this state so long as they are with their “real” family. I don’t know what this means for me. It took me a long time to be really truly ok with adopting versus having my own biological child and now it seems that even adoption might not be the solution. I wonder if any study has been done regarding adopted children who were not in the foster care system? Would studies prove the same results for private adoptions? My heart is heavy and my head hurts from trying to digest this information. I have a lot of questions churning in my brains…..

I did manage to bump into my family worker Tuesday night and she mentioned getting my email about being frustrated. She pretty much just told me the same things I’ve already been told – the behaviors are “normal” and “to be expected,” the kids are going home but no one knows when, just hang on because there will be more placements. I told her I was really losing faith and just don’t think “this” will happen – I’m really feeling like I will not be adopting because I won’t be able to endure the torture of the system. My energy, my patience, my hope is all running at an all-time low. The simple definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Am I insane to continue? I know I have posed this question to myself often but, when is enough enough? When do I come to the realization that I am chasing my own tail and that it should be self-evident I am not meant to be a mother? My own mother seems to think I should end this hopeless dream (of course she also replaced that with “finding a husband”). Wouldn’t my life be a lot less complicated? There would certainly be a lot less heartache and pain not having to worry about children and what will happen to them. I’m praying for wisdom. It is always darkest before the dawn. I would hate to give up just inches from the finish line. The problem is, I don’t know if the finish line is that close or if I’m barely at the half-way point……

Serenity to Accept Things I cannot Change

The Lord has answered my prayers for a second week in a row – the jail visit was a bust again this past weekend. I couldn’t help but rejoice at this news when I heard it last night. I was in church yesterday praying my heart out that God would watch over this child and protect her heart. I prayed that He put up a roadblock again this week and He did! Last week it was forgotten paperwork, this week it was underwire bras – I don’t care what it is, I will keep praying for something to prevent the jail visit from occurring. These little victories give me hope that things will indeed work out – whatever “working out” looks like. God has a plan. God is in control.

The baby and I had a very nice weekend, despite the uncooperative weather. We spent Saturday with a friend of mine, shopping, trying on hats and being silly. The baby was even good when we had a “picnic” dinner on a blanket on her living room floor. He seems to grow more attached to me every weekend we spend alone. While I cherish our time together and wish it could go on forever, I am also acutely aware that our days together are numbered. Yesterday we had a great outing with my mom – we went to a greenhouse farm local to my parents. The baby found the roosters the most fun, preferring to follow them around rather than look at flowers. He made friends with the cats wandering around and liked watching the turkey strut his stuff with his plumage all puffed out. When I walked him over to meet the two llamas and two sheep, he was afraid. He also insisted they were not “wawas” but in fact horsies. It was precious and hysterical. And hey, we even got some flowers! I love that he is right at home on the farm, preferring to play outside in the dirt rather than indoors. He is just the kind of son I envision myself having; loving and cuddly, but rough and tumble wanting to play in the dirt and fall down, playing with balls and chasing the animals, wanting to collect rocks and sticks and not worried about getting himself all muddy and covered in dirt. I love him so much it just breaks my heart.

I become increasingly frustrated with this placement because I want to be ready to move on. Not that I really want to move on from these kids, I care very much for them. No, I do not think like a case worker – “there will always be another placement” – but I need to have some level of self preservation and this is it. They are going home and I need to be ready to move on. This is a feeling and a thought process I don’t like to entertain. But, living with a shattered heart, I need to find some measure to stave off more devastation. I don’t like myself jaded. It makes my heart feel hard and cold. Like I felt the first time I heard a case worker say, “there will be another placement” when I lamented the loss of a child. As if these children are inanimate objects, no one more important or special than the other. I cannot see them that way, not when I get to know them and grow to love them. How can I say so flippantly, “there will be others” and not tarnish the relationship we have now? There might be other placements but these two kids are one-of-a-kind, just as every child is – just like every person is a unique individual. But, it is this thinking that is the albatross around my neck; it is the curse of feeling too much and getting too involved with such a tenuous situation like children in foster care. Friday I was so fed up with some of the things happening I left a message for my case worker telling her I was considering putting in my 30 days notice. I told her, “The only thing stopping me is knowing how hard it would be on the children, plus the kids are really not the problem. I feel stuck and unable to move on to meet my personal goal of adoption because I feel like this case just keeps dragging on and on and on with no resolution. The children have been going home since December with no real plans in place for this to occur. Do I understand that things happen that are out of everyone’s control? Yes. And I agreed to take this placement knowing this was just a foster care placement. I just dislike feeling “stuck” with no end in sight. So, that is where I am at right now.” I don’t suspect I will get a response, I didn’t last time I expressed my displeasure at this never-ending placement. What more can I do? I could give up and get the kids removed from my home, but that would be unkind to them and then I would be doing exactly what bugs me about how “other” people treat them – I would not be putting their best interest first. The kids are adjusted to my home, adjusted to my schedule and moving them now would disrupt everything and would not be fair to them. So, I hang on for their sake. Now I just need to find a way to shut my mouth and not complain about it. It is clear that CHOR does not care about the predicament I am in and is not interested in offering any advice or solution. I need to suck it up and march on. Until they move home and then I can begin waiting for the next (and hopefully last) placement.

I read a blog the other day written by a single foster mom having to give up the baby living in her home. She mentioned something that struck a chord with me – how can someone sign up to be a foster parent knowing that someday the child(ren) living with them will be leaving? To be fair, I never actually signed up as a foster parent. I started this process with the end goal of adoption. Then things got royally messed up and as a form of healing, I decided to continue as a foster parent. But, I wasn’t a foster parent for long when I decided once again that adoption was my goal. I have waivered in my decision, at first I was afraid I could not “do it” alone. But, after caring for three young children for an entire month – including an infant! – I no longer doubt myself. I can do it. My other worry, one I still consider from time to time, is that alone I am not enough. I know firsthand that being a single parent is not easy. It is possible and I have plenty of support that helps to make me successful, but I worry that no county will consider me for an infant because it’s just me, no partner, no daddy. I judge myself because I am discontent with my current lot in life. And, I believe that a two parent household is the best, most ideal situation for a child. However, in the case of a child or children being in an unsafe, unhealthy home, certainly a one parent home is a better alternative than abuse, neglect or any other detrimental living conditions. So, while I judge myself for “doing it alone” I also understand that sometimes life just isn’t the best, most ideal or perfect situation. But, I digress…..

It has been said to me on more than one occasion, “I can’t do what you do,” meaning, “I can’t take kids in and then give them up again.” It is not easy, in fact it is downright gut-wrenching, heart-breaking and borderline sadistic. Not having any children of my own makes the emptiness of my home after a child or children leave all the more poignant. So how or why do I do it? The why is simple. I want to adopt a child through the foster care system. That’s why I’m here. The how is a little more complicated. I have no sage words of wisdom to impart. Each time I find my heart just as shattered as the last. Similar to the monthly two-week-wait (or longer depending on how temperamental my period was being) that allowed hopes to soar that, despite the unlikelihood, this month could be *the* month. The crash that followed, no matter how many times it happened, left me feeling devastated, staring down into the endless black pit of despair. Losing a foster care placement is no less painful. I hesitate to make this comparison, but losing a foster child is the closest experience I have (and ever hope to have) to the death of a child. Once a child is moved, unless a favorable relationship has been established with the family (which has not yet been my experience), it is like they have been taken from this earth. Family members are disinclined to send photos or email updates or be your buddy on Facebook. The child is gone. The gaping hole in my heart never fully closes. I still lament the loss of my first foster placement (by far the most earth shattering removal of a child from my home). And, although I asked for her to be moved, I still find myself missing the older child. We had some good times together and I miss her goofiness and our joking around together. My heart aches when I look around church and see the babies who are around the same age as the baby I had in November. I wonder how she is doing and how her older sisters are fairing. I miss them with a bone-crushing sorrow. How do I do it? First, the strength of God. Without His grace and sending angels to hold me up, I would be a huge puddle of broken misery. And, not to sound haughty, but I can do it because I’m not the one making the decisions. I deal with the consequences of the verdicts that get passed down for the children, but I can look myself in the face in the mirror knowing I did not make the life-altering decision for a child and family. In essence, my job is simple – I provide a loving, caring home environment for children who are in need. I don’t decide if/when children return home, I don’t determine if it is permissible for a young child to visit a relative in jail, I don’t conclude that certain behaviors are “normal” given the instability a child has endured, I don’t treat the children as just one more placement easy come – easy go. I don’t have to live with myself if I make a decision that irreparably changes the outcome of so many lives. I don’t have to align my opinions and personal beliefs with a corrupt system that is intended to help children but only manages to damage them even further. If someone were to ask me what is the hardest part of being a foster parent I would not say losing the child(ren) although that is incredibly hard – no, the hardest thing about being a foster parent is not being able to make those live-altering judgment calls but having a front-row seat to witness the consequences of the decisions of others. I do what I can to ensure the child(ren) living with me are given every chance to reach their full potential. Outside of that, I have no control and can do nothing to effect necessary change. And that pisses me off to no end. I am reminded of the Serenity Prayer – “God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.” That pretty much sums it up for me.

Detrimental Decisions

I want it to be over. I want to be through this valley of pain and misery, standing tall on the other side, grateful to have survived. But, it’s not over. I’m in the midst of it all and the final outcome is ever shifting and changing. The thing I most hoped would not happen was scheduled to happen this past weekend. The relative of the older child has gotten permission to take her to meet another relative in jail. It was the only thing this relative wanted to happen and her wish has been granted. I could vomit. Thankfully, God answered my prayers and blocked the visit because the relative forgot the child’s paperwork and she was not admitted into the jail.

I spoke with the county case worker last Friday and she told me the behaviors the older child is exhibiting (it was so bad after her first visit with her relative!) are “normal” and “to be expected.” They are only normal because of what the system dictates happens to this child. The behaviors are a result of decisions made by people who never have to endure the consequences. The case worker also told me the children will be going home, that their mother is doing so much better with more in home services. She said she is glad to see them go home because if not the county has some hard decisions to make regarding permanent placement for the two kids.

I am doing better emotionally and mentally than I was last Thursday and Friday when I first got the news. But, I am still feeling very frustrated with “the system” and disillusioned as a foster parent. Agencies lament how hard it is to find “good” foster parents and I no longer wonder why – what decent person would want to sit by and watch these detrimental decisions be made for children over and over and over again? I certainly don’t. I want to be done. When I first spoke with my mother about the decision she told me to give “this” up and just get my divorce and find a new husband. Haven’t I considered using an online dating website? Because it is just that easy. I didn’t realize that 2013 is the new 1950. Do I need a man in order for my life to be complete? I do not. Would I like to be married to someone I love? Yes, I would. But, I need the time to grieve what I lost and I need the time to be ready to move on. I tried to push myself into dating when I was clearly not ready. I don’t want “finding a man” to be the sole focus of my life. If I am meant to be with someone, he will find me. But, I was so disappointed by the decision made that I was seriously considering putting in my 30 days notice and my resignation – I find the decision made that distasteful. But, as always, I hearken back to the children and how my number one goal is to help them. Pushing them on to yet another foster home would not help them. So, I will stick it out. Unlike so many others involved in this case, I put the needs of the children first. Not to break my arm to pat myself on the back, but what has occurred has ripped off the blinders and I can see with shocking clarity how little the children mean in this whole hideous game. I have lost all but the tiniest bit of respect for “the system.” Before I thought about trying to continue being a foster parent after I adopt, but now I don’t think that is a wise decision for me. I get too emotionally attached to the children and want the very best for them. I get upset when I have no control over major decisions being made that are so detrimental to the children I have come to love. “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is that good men to do nothing.” That is how I feel. I am letting evil triumph because I do nothing to stop it. The Bible says in Matthew 25:40, “…as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” I can’t have that on my conscience.

I have gotten two things straight in my head since the proclamation came last Friday that the children ARE going home. One, “the children are going home” has become my mantra and I have begun planning for their departure. I bought a large plastic storage container to put all their winter clothes in and have been packing away the unused items. I don’t know why it does, but planning for their eventual absence helps me to not feel so horrible about the hole they will leave in my heart. Two, I kept hearing in my soul God saying, “I have a plan.” And I believe He does. I might not know what it is and I might never understand it, but God has a plan and I just need to do my part to see it come to fruition. God blocked the jail visit this weekend, so there must be hope for His plan. God is in control.

Friday would have been my fifth wedding anniversary. It made me so sad to not have reason to celebrate. And it is so hard to believe that this my second anniversary separated. I thought it would be less hurtful this year than it was last year, but it was not. Maybe next year. Sunday was Mother’s Day. I have hated Mother’s Day and dreaded it’s arrival for the past 4 years. Yesterday I was called out at church to line up in the front with all the other mothers. I felt like a farce – I’m not anyone’s mother, I’m just the stand-in. It would be like the stunt double accepting the Academy Award for the actor. I thought Mother’s Day would be better having children in the home, but it was not. It was just another reminder that I’m not really a mother.

So, as far as I see things right now, my game plan is to tough it out with the kids I have now. Then, when they are back home, I will need to have a real conversation with my family worker at CHOR and let he know that I’ve been through enough and I am ONLY interested in legal risk or adoption placements. And, I think I will adjust the ages. In my heart of hearts I know I want an infant and I guess I just need to be willing to wait for one. So, that is what I am going to tell CHOR. I will entertain a sibling group placement with an older child if one of the children is an infant. I want to have that tiny little one in my arms to watch him/her grow and to just pour out all my love on this baby. This journey has been so hard – way more difficult than I ever could have imagined! – and despite all the pain and all the up’s and down’s, despite the disappointments, the hurt and let-downs, I’m not ready to throw in the towel and give up. I think I’ve come too far at this point. To end up empty-handed now would be a Shakespearean tragedy. I’ll give it one more shot. What have I got to lose?

Expect the Expected

My family worker from CHOR called me yesterday afternoon to let me know that the county had chosen the other family for the two boys. I think this might be the first time I have gotten the "no go" response about a placement and didn't feel crushed. I won't say it is a total relief because it basically puts me back at square one in terms of actually getting to adopt a baby, but for once, I think the best decision was made.

So, Sunday the day after the older child's first visit with her relative was awful - the worst day I have ever had with her. I spoke to her therapist today regarding what I can do to help her through this and the therapist was flabbergasted that the child would be spending so many hours with a relative she hardly knew without a slower transition for it to happen. She also reiterated something she had told me a few months ago, and that is that she has been making recommendations to the county case worker for there to be more supervision during their visits with their mother because she has concerns that the child is learning a lot of her troubling behaviors from her mother. The therapist voiced her frustration that the county worker doesn't seem to share her concern or seem to be acting upon the therapists suggestions. I'm glad to have some more techniques to try to deal with this child's uncertainty in being shipped around and bounced from person to person regardless of how she feels or what she wants.

The therapist made a suggestion for me to work more closely with the relative to keep the child more on her schedule. There was a small incident that I noticed involving the the relative and her baby not being in a car seat riding shot gun when she pulled up to my house. I struggled with what to do and eventually decided to report what I saw to my CHOR case worker. The results are that the county worker is going to contact the relative and remind her that all children need to be in safety car seats. This is only going to tip the relative off that I am a snitch, since I was the only one who saw it and would have reported it. I only hope that it doesn't cause a rift between me and the relative or cause any kind of retaliation. Hopefully, nothing will become of it and all will be well that ends well.......