The house is empty again – well, minus me the two cats and the dog (actually, Canela the dog has been at the farm all week since I went away to DC last weekend). The foster child was moved yesterday morning. Moved to another foster home in another county, not a residential facility as I and the psychiatrist believe she would be the best option for her. Quite a contrast in this morning’s move than the past termination of my foster mother relationship with a child – no tears, no regrets, no feeling of loss. I feel relived. And I am anxious for the next placement.
I am positively preparing for the baby I so desire. I have been looking at getting some more cloth diapers (although, at our last group training, I think I heard someone say we are not permitted to use cloth diapers for our foster children. I was kind of reading something and only half-listening, so I’m not sure if I heard this correctly – I also think one of the foster mothers who runs a state licensed daycare from her home said the state does not permit cloth diapers in licensed facilities. I wish I was paying closer attention, but it does not change my mind. I’m using cloth diapers). I have also looked at baby clothes, but for whatever reason, it is harder for me to stay emotionally balanced looking at the clothes. So, diapers it is. I have a half-decent collection thanks to my previous placement (and the kindness of a friend in turning me on to cloth diapers), but to lessen my laundry duty, having more diapers would be great. Plus, if I do get an infant, I won’t have to run out to the store and get some disposable diapers, I will be prepared. I have been daydreaming about my next placement and I have been praying that this next child will be mine to adopt. I don’t mean to sound callous about the child who is leaving, I am sad that we will never be able to do some of the fun stuff I had planned. But, it has been a tough 5 months with her and the last month was especially trying. I wish nothing but the best for her and hope the new foster mother will be able to better help her manage her anger and other behavioral issues. But, when I put in my 30 day notice, I was already done. I was disengaging and disentangling myself from this child. I am ready for a new story to begin. I am believing the third time will be the charm!
In other news, I am about to unfriend two new mom friends on Facebook. All they do is bitch about how hard it is being a new mom with a newborn – no sleep, can’t get ready to leave the house without a vomit issue, hard being home and in baby world all day, hard learning how to understand how to care for their baby. I mean, they are just being real and sharing with friends and family how they are doing and looking for advice and to connect to the outside world. But, it makes me want to scream. Every minute you can’t sleep, I pray that I will be able to become a mother through adoption because not only has my body failed me, but my husband left making procreation impossible at the current time. Every messy diaper or vomit-ruined outfit, I wish I had a baby to hold and cuddle. Every moment they feel like they can’t stand baby world one more second, I desire to hear the sounds of a precious little one in my home, laughing, cooing, crying, screaming. I have come a long way in my internal struggle and issues with infertility and my hostility towards the fertile world, so this is just one more hurdle, but at the same time I wonder just how much more I will have to endure. And, since I don’t necessarily share with the entire world that my womb is barren, these women are not posting the comments to be cruel, it is simply where they are in their lives. But, I do need to remind myself of this from time to time. Really, it’s just not all about me……
So, one more chapter closes and soon a new chapter will begin. I will have some down time, some time to rearrange myself and my life and my house. I don’t know how soon or how long I will be waiting for a new foster child to be placed with me. It is a little bit exciting, waiting for that phone call to ask me for a new placement. You can wake up one morning, buzzing along with your daily routine, and bamm-ooh! You get a call that changes that routine and the course of things in your life. So, I am now waiting for that call. I’m not sure if CHOR will give me some time to recuperate, given the difficulty of this last placement, but I’m hoping they don’t wait a long time and that if they get a placement they think would be a good match for me, I hope they don’t count me out. I’m putting positive happy vibes out there, I think the Lord has some good things in store for me! J
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