Ring Phone Ring!

My phone is still not ringing. I know I should be more patient, but I guess I’m just not. Thus far, I have gotten one email about a child I could not consider adopting due to overwhelming medical conditions. Last week was total radio silence; I didn’t even get a call for a respite placement over the weekend. I used the time to get the house in tip-top shape. My house can now pass the white glove test, all floors have been scrubbed on my hands and knees, all cobwebs wiped from the corners of the ceilings, all dust bunnies corralled and eliminated from behind the furniture, carpets spot washed, bedding changed – I have never been more ready! And yet my phone is not ringing. At church one of the parishioners who works in the foster-adoption field told me about a child he is going to be doing a CSR (child specific recruitment) to find an adoptive home. The baby has some medical issues, which he thought we a lot more intense, but discovered they are more on the moderate side. We talked about me being a potential for this little one, but he is still trying to get more of a handle on the medical condition for the baby. He will let me know more, if/when he can. He did invite me to a matching event this coming Saturday. If I don’t have a respite placement, I think I might go. I don’t love going to matching events because I find them to be a meat-market for the older kids, but it doesn’t hurt to get some exposure I suppose.

 

The past few nights I have been dreaming about the three girls I had last year around this time (they came November 2^nd). Mostly, I dream about the baby, how it was to hold her and cuddle with her, to wake up at night to feed her, to bathe her, to changer her tiny diaper. I cherished every moment and wish so much that our time had not been cut so short. I miss the older girls too, they were so funny and full of life. I wish I could have kept them! I wish they didn’t have to go, I would have been quite content to keep them and make them mine! But, alas, it was not meant to be! The baby turned a year old last Thursday and I probably wouldn’t even recognize her now. All I have are my memories of her, how much I loved giving her a bath and then cuddling with the sweet-smelling little baby. I loved slathering her in baby lotion and wrapping her in a fresh clean blanket. My hope and my prayer is that I will get this chance again, to have a tiny little baby to love all over. It might be foolish to believe I would get an infant placement, but I just can’t help myself. I want nothing more than just one more hug, one more snuggle, just one more little baby grin, one more kiss on a soft baby cheek……

 

I just need to be patient. I need to wait for God’s timing, to get the call for the placement. But, I am impatient – who wouldn’t be after 5 years of waiting? And loss and disappointment? Who wouldn’t be like, “Come on!” I have cleared so many hurdles and have endured a lot of heartache, I just want to see that it has all been worth it, that the outcome was worth everything that has happened, worth everything I have done, every sacrifice I have made. I am growing impatient. I want to be *doing* something, not just sitting around waiting for my phone to ring, waiting for someone else to do something for me – I want to be proactive, but there really isn’t a way for me to do that ….. I can’t really do anything to affect a more rapid outcome, I just need to wait, pause, suspend animation, chill, and hope expectantly for the best. When I was visiting my parents this weekend my mom mentioned that there is some kiddie movie coming out and “we” need to get a kid so “we” have a valid reason to go see this movie. She is impatient too. It’s just time. It’s time for the good stuff to start happening, to shake off the specter of bad that has been over-shadowing my life and their lives and for the sun to shine brightly upon us. Fate has been cruel these past couple of years and it is time for a recompense for the ills that have befallen me. Isn’t it? Isn’t it time to savor the good and beauty of life, to revel and be giddy in my good fortune? Have I not proven myself worthy? Have I not shown my strength and endurance and my ability to get knocked down only to get right back up and continue? My faith has been tested and has not been found wanting; I stared into the depths of despair and, unblinking, found hope and the courage to survive. I have trudged through the valley and I am now on the other side waiting for my due return. It’s time. It is time. Ring phone, ring!