The Parent's Fault

Parents are dammed if they don’t and dammed if they do; we are simply stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place. In trying to come up with new strategies to help Primero and our seemingly never-ending saga of disrespect, disregard and lying, I had been reading various articles online. It seems there are two schools of thought when it comes to teenagers who are legally adults. One school of thought is, if the parent(s) have done a “good job” raising their child(ren) then they should have no trouble handing over the reins to their new “adult” and if said adult rebels or acts disrespectfully well then clearly the parent is at fault for whatever was done or not done in the previous 18 years. The other school of thought is that a young adult still needs parental guidance, steering and advise and should be expected to comply to household rules until or unless they can fend for themselves financially. The stance is, this is my house and you must live by my rules, period. I find both sides lacking, especially when it comes to a young adult who was adopted as a teenager. So, totally unhelpful for me and Primero.

 

I waited up for him last night. He came home after midnight. We talked. Again. I’m trying to let go of a lot of things, like him lying about lying to me and his inability to see what a douche he’s being, because I want us to move forward. I’m pretty sure I’m working on an ulcer with all of this stress. I haven’t been sleeping well, which is nothing new to me but it’s at an all-time low in terms of restlessness. Sometimes the stress makes my stomach ache and I simply cannot eat – which is new to me! Usually, I over-eat when I’m worked up. I like to feed my emotions, a la fat girl style. I feel lost and scared and hurt and worried and I don’t want to keep this up. Keep doing the same things, keep getting the same results, right? So, I want to try to work on rebuilding my relationship with Primero. A few days ago I had taken the stance that it was Primero’s job to mend fences between us, but he seems both unwilling and incapable, so I’m working on it.

 

For the first school of thought regarding parenting teens and young adults, I call bullshit. My own family is a perfect example of how two parents can have drastically different results parenting three children. My sister and I were fairly easy teenagers. Not that we didn’t have our moments, but nothing we did held a candle to my brother. He was one of those horror story teenagers and his antics negatively affected the entire family. My parents didn’t treat him any differently growing up or if they did it was because he was a boy. He has self-imposed estrangement from the family and has no relationship with anyone, barring my father and even that is minimal. My parents tried the second school of thought to some extent. I know they expected my brother to follow the rules and contribute to a harmonious household. My brother refused. Now, where does that leave you Custer? Are you willing to die on this hill as your last stand? Because a particularly defiant young adult will push you to that point and then shove you right over the cliff. Could I have thrown that ultimatum at Primero? Sure. But, I doubt very highly that it would have gone well. And, if my ultimate goal is to have Primero become a responsible, contributing member of society, how does tossing him out into the streets achieve the desired outcome? It doesn’t.

 

I have been trying to determine what is really going on here. Clearly, we are in some “grown up” growing pains. We are both caught between trying to let Primero fly but also holding him accountable and staying on the path to success. I know a lot of this has to do with his co-dependent unhealthy relationship with his friend. But, I don’t understand his sudden contempt for me. And I really don’t understand why, after four years together, he has started lying to me about everything. Big lies, small lies, lies he won’t confess to even when I confront him about them (He actually demanded proof! He wanted actual physical evidence, like he’s some detective!). There is some underlying issue that I clearly don’t understand. I have tried digging it out of him, but he is very resistant. It hurts me that he has made me out to be his enemy when I am squarely in his camp. Team Primero all the way!

 

Earlier this week I was so upset at his blatant disrespect that I actually contemplated issuing the get-along or get out ultimatum. I never thought I would get to the point where I wouldn’t want my own son living with me, but I was just that upset at all the lying and defiance I didn’t know what else to do. Fortunately, I managed to not shoot off an angry text (although, to be honest, I did type said text and delete it about 4 times). That is not how I want this story to go. One thing that steadied my hand was thinking about how my parents managed the nightmare that was my teenage brother. Never once did I hear them talk about kicking him out. And he did a lot more awful things than Primero. I know it was my dad, my mother told me in later years that he would never dream about kicking any of his children out of the house. I know Primero is cavalier about finding a place to stay if I were to ask him to leave, but deep down I think it would crush him. Thinking back on the life he has lived, he had been kicked out of every other home he was in until now. I could not do that to him. And, as I mentioned above, it really wouldn’t help him. He needs a home, a steady home with firm boundaries and forgiveness for his teenage folly and hubris. It might make my life easier to not have to wait up until midnight and talk until 2 am with a surly young adult. It might make my life easier to not have a screaming match over the phone about coming home on a school night. It might make my life easier to not have to call the school and see if he attended any classes on a given day. It might be easier to not change the keycode or hide the car keys. But, hey guess what? No one in the history of ever said parenting was about taking the easy route. Primero will learn a lot more if I hold fast and push him to be mindful about the rules and go to school than if I dump him in the streets. Might he learn to be more grateful for what he has if it is suddenly taken away? Perhaps. But, at what cost? Thinking he is disposable, like he did when he first moved in? Thinking he didn’t matter so it doesn’t matter what he does? That doesn’t seem to be the makings of a responsible member of society, now does it?

 

So, I make my own school of thought on parenting an adopted legal adult. And my school of thought is this. My son is his own person and I will not be held accountable for the choices he makes as an independent being. His poor choices are not a reflection of me as his parent. I am not totally off the hook because he does need guidance and he does need consequences and that is my job right now. He will not be forced to leave the house before he is ready to do so, but he will find a lot of privileges have been revoked until he is able to follow the household rules, of which there are few. I hope we find a way to reconnect and I will keep trying until the day that I die because that is unconditional love. I might not like him right now, but I do and always will love Primero. And, my hope is I am making decisions from love and not anger. I am choosing to let go of the pain I feel from him lying to me, in hopes that it can help us renew our relationship and move forward positively. Please, dear God, let this work!