Dream Revlations

I woke up this morning with the dream I was dreaming fresh in my head and it has not left me all day. I was dreaming that I had the two kids and was instructed to go to the relative’s house. We were there for a long time and I desperately wanted to leave but the kids were playing with her kids in the backyard and I was being ignored as I snooped around ala Nancy Drew. Anyway, at one point the relative’s cell phone rang and she sounded so happy and excited to talk to the person on the other end. You know you know stuff in dreams just because it is a dream? Well, I knew it was the county worker calling her and telling her the kids were going home. She then asked to speak to me and all she said was, the judge has decided the kids go home today, right now. I was upset and then frustrated because I didn’t have their clothes packed and ready to go. And then my alarm went off and I had to get up. But, this dream has been on my mind and sometimes when dreams are so realistic and point to a matter I’ve been struggling with, I tend to get this feeling like it wasn’t a dream but it really happened. So, I’ve had it in my head all day that I will soon be getting notification that the kids are going home and then *Poof* they will be gone. I think this is because of what the case worker said when she dropped them off at my house on Wednesday. After I expressed my frustration about a text message from the kids mother (she doesn’t like that I line dry the kids clothes- oh well!) in addition to the frustration I felt earlier in the week being accused of being dirty (still fuming – I wish I could say I wasn’t, but I am!). The case worker said, “There is no reason why these kids are not being sent home already.” I think this is what has been sinking in and thus the dream. After 6+ months, it’s awfully hard to imagine my life being any other way than how it is – two kids living in my home, making a mess and making beautiful memories. But, our time is drawing to an end, our curtain is falling and so I must prepare myself so I am not caught unaware. After my coffee this morning (you know, when I’m kind of more human and more awake) I decided that I need to make it a priority to get their things cataloged and pack as much as I can to be ready when the time comes. It’s an awful lot of work  so the more I can break it down into smaller tasks, the better. I can document all the old, out-of-season clothing and get it all neatly packed up and ready for the move. I don’t want to say that I think my dream is predicting the future and what will happen but I’m sure my mind is trying to find some way to convince my heart that it should get prepared for what is inevitably about to come next. Unless something over-the-top bad happens, my home will once again be void of children, just waiting for the next placement. What I focus on now is that the next placement will be the final placement. The next placement will be for me to adopt and keep and if it doesn’t work out that way, if I get a legal risk case and the child(ren) leave then I am done. Mothering is not meant for me if that happens. But, let’s assume that the next placement will be mine forever and oh, how happy this will be! All of the waiting and praying and hoping and more waiting will have finally paid off and I will have my baby, my own child and then, perhaps I can forget the pain of infertility and try to forget the heartaches I endured to get to that point. I know when I talk about this to other people I always get the “it will happen” speech, but living in the thick of things it doesn’t always sound believable. As time passes and placements come and go, phone calls never turn into placements, I begin to get that dreaded ache that I had with infertility – what if it never happens? What if I just never get chosen as an adoptive parent because there are so many couples seeking to adopt children that I’m relegated to the bottom of the barrel every time? I know that I can’t let myself think like that because I know that the woman interviewing me for my family profile told me she sees nothing that would hold me back from being an adoptive parent and she feels like there is a lot I have to offer a child. She said there will be some counties or specific county workers who would not consider me but there will be plenty who would consider me and be happy to place a child with me. So, I just need to be patient and hold on for the one that will be mine…..

Nothing Changing - Court take III

It isn’t funny anymore. It’s not cute. I am angry and frustrated, I’m tired and weary and getting ready to give up. The only time I get any scrap of communication is to tell me when I’m doing something wrong (supposedly) or some other bullshit complaint. It is wearing on me and my patience is just about at the breaking point. I did snap today with the case worker and told her how irritated I am and how I’m sick of hearing the latest complaint from people I feel nothing but deep contempt. It is grossly apparent that they are bitching just to hear themselves gripe, just to feel like the big bully pushing someone around. They have nothing better to do than power-trip over the stupidest things. And I have had about enough. I promised myself to see this case through to the bitter end – giving the children some stability until they returned home. But, if I get nothing but complaints, then I can be done and move on. I don’t want to be a foster parent anyway – I want to be a parent with my own kids.

My head is going to explode; just blow right off my shoulders. My worst fears were confirmed – they punted the case down the line again. And even the judge was irritated at the persistent delay, according to the case worker. She didn’t think it would take 3 months for another hearing to be set up, it seems they are trying to get one on the calendar sooner. But, nothing is changing until then – no resolution, no conclusive ending. Just more of the same – wait, wait, wait, wait. And, if this wasn’t bad enough, if this information was not enough to make me want to lose my mind, I was also told that both mom and the relative reported the older child coming to visits dirty. And I was not quiet in my outrage. I am not a dirty person and I take great offense at the insinuation that I am dirty or that I allow the children living in my house to be dirty. Let me tell you where to get off and how! I know I promised to see this case through to the bitter end, but my patience is being tested to it’s very breaking point. Again. I’m so fed up I really want to just walk away today. Just be totally DONE. Just go back to a quiet boring life without the constant barrage of complaints and issues and having to rearrange my life and my schedule to appease someone else. It is a very good thing there is an hour long drive between me and that mom because I doubt I could be civil with her anymore. I would like to have her out of my life in every way, shape, and form. I don’t know how other people develop such lovely relationships with the biological families of the children they have in foster care or adopt – this is my only experience with a biological family and I never want to deal with these people again – EVER! I am very seriously contemplating putting in my 30 days notice and moving on completely. Maybe giving up entirely because I just don’t think I have the personality to do this, I don’t have the patience to keep putting up with the bullshit. If everyone could just leave me and the baby alone, things would be fine. But, that’s just not the case. And I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m tired of hearing myself say that – it might be time to move on. It might be time to admit defeat, put up the white flag and surrender to a childless life. I could travel, explore the world and forget all about the life I really wanted…….. I ask again, when is enough enough?

Impending Doom, er Court

		Monday is the big day but I think I may have my expectations for this whole court thing built waaaay up in my head to the point that what I envision happening will most certainly not come to fruition. What is it that I envision happening? Something concrete, some definitive decision will be made to move this case along in a much more fast-paced way. From speaking to the case worker with CHOR it seems highly unlikely that the children will be going home to their mother Monday after court. And if they do, none of their things will be packed because I have not been told to pack them and at this point it’s rather late in the game to expect me to get everything together (it would be a total revision to all my weekend plans!). So, if they are not going home Monday perhaps a decision will be made, a date will be set, for them to go home. Maybe the older child will be given to her relative (she was there this weekend as usual but then I got an email Monday later in the afternoon stating she would be going back with her relative Tuesday and dropped off with her mother Wednesday morning….. no explanation as to why…..). I honestly don’t know why the older child has not been given to her relative. I was told after the last court date in April that if anything happens (meaning the children do not go home) this relative would be adopting the older child. Why keep bouncing her around from my house to the relative’s house? In the words of Nike, “Just do it!” I just feel like this case is at the point where the county needs to shit or get off the pot. The uncertainty, the lack of direction, the surge forward to reunification and the subsequent fallback is driving me nuts! At this point I already feel like I’ve become nothing but a robot nanny for the older child. Our connection has been broken and even when I try feebly to reconnect it is short-lived and tenuous at best because she is gone off to a visit. And I think she senses it as well. She sees the remnants from what me and the little guy do in her absence and it bothers her to not be included but she also seems to accept it. She realizes “we” no longer includes her in our little rag-tag foster family situation. But, what can I do? I have to keep living my life with the little guy and she is forced by a broken system, to straddle two lives until a decision is reached regarding a permanent situation for both her and her brother.   I want to have a good attitude about this whole mess, I really do. I don’t want to feel so frustrated and left in the dark like I do – I want someone to realize that I am a human being with hopes and dreams and feelings and that I am being treated more like an inanimate object than like a human being. Robot Nanny, take kids here, take kids there, buy new shoes, keep them clean, follow therapeutic directives – DO NOT FEEL! DO NOT CARE! This is your role as foster mom, Robot Nanny. Never mind your own wishes, never mind your own desires – they do not matter. You are Robot Nanny! Within myself, I promised to see this case through to the bitter end. I was very close to giving up and putting in my 30 days notice after the disappointing “punt it down the line” verdict from court in April. I was hoping there would be some resolution, a plan formulated for us all to dutifully follow. But, no decision was made other than to reconvene in 3 months. And here we are. Those three months have come and gone and we sit once again on the precipice of a conclusion to a very long tale – will a decision actually be reached? At this point, I don’t even care what the verdict is, just so something definitive is decided! Monday seems so far away, yet so close!! Part of me wishes I could be there, to witness with my own eyes and hear with my own ears, what happens, rather than rely on the spotty reporting of either case worker. But, I was not invited to attend, nor am I able to take off work on a Monday morning to attend (it’s just a very difficult time for my work schedule to be changed – also there will be someone out of the office that day and I need to fill in for him). Besides, why would Robot Nanny want to attend court? It has nothing to do with my directives. Getting the story second (or even third/fourth hand via the relative relating to the baby-sitter who tells me) is good enough. Really, I need to get my attitude adjusted here. I know foster parenting is not for the faint of heart, I know that I am not an integral part of this process, rather just a small yet necessary role, like the buddy to the comic relief – take the one-liners and zingers and keep on chuckling. It’s elementary, Dear Watson. But, look at it from my perspective – I have not been waiting for a child just since I made the decision to adopt solo the beginning of December. I have been waiting for a child since the end of December 2008!! That’s nearly 5 years!  Half a decade. Just waiting. Hoping. Trying. Praying. Wishing. Thinking. Crying. Begging. Thinking. Imagining. Waiting and waiting and waiting. Five long years. Just think, if I had been able to conceive right away, I would have a child about to turn 4 right now. Instead, my arms are still empty and my broken heart feels like it might never completely heal. Is it too much to expect some communication from the case workers? Some compassion? Is it too much to hope for a resolution so we can all get out of limbo and start planning the rest of our lives? I guess I will find out on Monday…….

 

 

If the Shoe Fits

There are some times that I want to scream when it comes to foster care. Last night was one of those times. Last Thursday when the relative came to pick up the older child she decided to complain about how the child’s shoes fit her. I open the door and I say, “Good morning!” and that was the response I got. "Her shoes are too small." "They look like they fit her fine." "She’s walking off the back of them and she complains that it hurts between her toes (they are cute little sandals that go between her toes and wrap around the back of her heel)." "She never says anything to me and she chooses what shoes she wears every day. Plus, she is hardly ever with me!" "Well, when she is with you, you need to get her new shoes. I had her tested and she is 2 sizes bigger." "I’ll be sure to get her a new pair." This was our exchange, with me needing to bite my tongue harder and harder. Aren’t you the relative? You never want me to send clothing along for her to wear because you brag about all the wonderful clothing you have for the child, so get her some new shoes if it bothers you that much! I don’t complain when the child comes back to me in shorts that are too bit or a shirt that is practically falling off of her. I say nothing. Perhaps I need to start bitching about everything too…..

 

And, as if this were not enough, I was also told about it from the case worker last night because she met with the mom and the mom (thanks to the relative buzzing in her ear) complained that both the kids shoes were too small. OMG! I’ll run right out and get the kids new shoes already! But, it’s going to be dam hard to buy shoes for a kid when I don’t have her feet with me! Seriously! I next to never run out week nights (with the exception of Friday nights) because after working all day I just want to get home to relax. And the older child is never with me on the weekends anymore, so tell me how I’m supposed to make this work? I have to run out during the week, despite my extreme desire not to? How rude! Why do I let things like this get under my skin? I guess because I hate stupid nit-picky stuff that is done just to irritate. And that is how I view this. The relative did not like that I told her she was being rude bringing the child back to my house so late at night and so she will look for things to pick about. Whatev!

 

In other news, I have an interview Monday afternoon for my family profile. I spoke with the lady today and she said she will need at least two hours to complete this interview! Holy cow! I mean, this is a good thing because it is part of the lengthy process to adopt and having a family profile done will help me to get more exposure, since they send this thing out to agencies with children to adopt. But, with my life in limbo due to this placement, it’s hard to try to switch gears and think about some potential future placement. Oh well, I need to try to move on and think about a bright happy future with my child, rather than get bogged down in worrying about these kids and the decisions that are being made for them.

 

 

It’s crazy to think that they have been with me for 6 months now! Yes, we made it to the 6-month mark officially tomorrow (7/12). Whew! What a long 6-8 weeks! It is hard to imagine that some day in the near future I won’t have these kids around, that I will be alone again in my house with just the dog and the cats. And I will be anxiously waiting for *that* phone call; the one that will change my life. Of course, I also know from experience that the phone call might be just another let-down, since I get calls about placements that never seem to pan out for one reason or another. So, I worry that I could be waiting for awhile. I guess I should be positive and speak positive things into my life. So, my wait will not be long and very, very soon my own child will come to me and we will sail right through the adoption process and begin our wonderful lives together.

 

If the older child’s information can be believed, then it appears she will be getting another little brother. She said her mommy is having a baby boy. She even knew the name, but I have forgotten it, plus it sounds like the name of some other relative in her family and I wonder if she has gotten the names confused. She told me this information after announcing that her mommy had been crying because she wanted her and her brother to be home to meet the new baby, which I’m guessing to mean she wanted them home now before the baby comes and it sounds like this is unlikely. So, here’s my fear. What if, just like court in April, they decide to punt this case and post-pone things for another 3 months? That takes us into October. In September the older child turns 4 and in October the baby will no longer be a baby, he will be 2 years old. And how much longer are they going to let this case be in limbo? I hope things work themselves out faster than they seem to be thus far because I get antsy and want to reach some sort of conclusion and resolution with this placement so I can make way for my baby to come and for my family to be created. At this point, only God knows and only time will tell…….

 

 

So, I wrote the above information last Thursday (7/11). This past weekend the baby spent a few hours with the foster family who had him before me so I could attend a workshop about making green smoothies and juicing (you know, trying to be healthy). When I came back to pick him up I ended up staying for nearly an hour talking to the family about the case with these kids. Holy cow! It is sad to know just how little I know about this placement! I had no idea about anything they were talking about and it was so shocking to me to hear a lot of the things (which unfortunately, I cannot repeat). The most shocking thing that I heard was that at some point in the lengthy amount of time these kids have been in care, they were placed in a pre-adoptive home because the case was moving towards termination of parental rights. It is shocking A) because I never knew this and B) that the case has persisted so long in limbo even after reaching that point. I believe in giving people second and even third chances but there’s also the “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me” adage – how many chances are given before someone says, “Um, you’ve been playing around long enough and we are done now.” To this I have no answer. I don’t even know who the “they” are who would be making the final determination. The one thing that the foster mother said really sticks with me. She said that when they were adopting the last two kids (they have a bunch of adopted kids of varying ages) the case was kind of a mess, like this one, with things always being up in the air. And she had told the case worker that she hoped either something very bad happens or something very good happens to bring the case to a conclusion. And what happened was that the father was arrested and the termination process began after that. I have kind of being praying for the same thing, only I don’t wish anything bad to happen, I pray that things really just turn around for good to give these kids some permanency.  

 

I have not been a foster parent for all that long and so I still have a sense of incredulity when it comes to some events that occur – like the mom getting pregnant while having two kids in foster care. When I shared with the other foster family that she will most likely be delivering early due to a medical condition they gave one another a knowing look and said, “um, most likely she lied about her due date thinking no one would find out and she could have the baby in secret.” This would just never occur to me! It makes no sense to lie when there are so many county people and other agency people all up in your business that there’s no way to hide the baby. It just scrambles my brains and boggles my mind. I do hope that she does not have a medical condition that prevents her from having a healthy pregnancy and birth or that puts too much strain on her or the baby.

 

Yesterday the adoption coordinator (I don’t know her exact title, so this is what I shall call her until I can remember her exact title) came to my house and we talked for two hours and still didn’t get the entire process completed. She had to cover some training with me first, which took a big chunk of time. We talked about the case and I mentioned how the kids were only supposed to be with me for 6-8 weeks and have now been in my home for 6 months. She said she understood my frustrations with the case and how long it seems to be taking to get things to move along, but she said the longer the kids are in care and in limbo the better the chances are that the case could move to termination of parental rights. She also understood why I don’t let myself believe this and she agreed it was important that I keep telling myself that they will be going home, just as a means of self-preservation. Court is in less than two weeks now and I have not heard a peep about what might occur then or what might be the outcome. I pray it is something definitive, not a wishy-washy “let’s wait another 3 months to see what happens.” Unbelievably, court is in less than two weeks now, so I won’t have to wait too much longer to see what the outcome will be……. I just hope it is something conclusive!    

Ambiguity Perhaps

Just when I think I have things figured out with this case it turns out I know nothing. I found out last week, through the baby-sitter who heard it from the older child’s relative that there is a court date set for the end of July. When I asked the county worker about it she confirmed that there was a court date the end of July and that she purposely did not invite me so as to not give fodder to the mother’s blame game against me. I had no intention to attend court, I just would like to be clued into what is going on – is that too much to ask? The county worker was over at my place for a brief visit last night and she anticipated my question for her regarding the game plan for the end of July. The last time we spoke, over a month ago, she was gung-ho for the kids to go home. It was all but a done deal. Now, she is back to being wishy-washy. She cannot reveal who told her what, but she keeps hearing things about what is happening in the mom’s home and she is trying to investigate it and figure out what it is that is being kept so hush-hush. From what she is saying, it sounds highly improbable that the children will return home the end of July, as the relative had hoped. That is still several weeks away, so I’m sure anything could happen in the mean time to change that. The case worker made it sound like the kids would not be going home before the new baby is born. And apparently the mom has pre-eclampsia and might need to deliver earlier than expected. How much earlier, I do not know. But, not November as expected. The case manager admitted that the uncertainty of it all put the kids and me in limbo for even longer. She apologized but offered no solutions because there are none to be had at this point. I told her, from my perspective, other than feeling frustrated with the ambiguity of the case, the kids and I have no problems. Yes, the older child’s behavioral issues sometimes cause distress and aggravation, but she seems to be settling down again – at least until the next flare-up – either that or I have become immune to her defiance and behavioral idiosyncrasies. So, we continue along. I keep up the mantra, “they are going home, they are going home, they are going home, they are going home,” lest I allow these postponements to alter my thinking and cause myself undue emotional duress. I wonder if this how a little fly feels getting stuck in warm gooey sap; the sticky substance prevents them from effortlessly flying away and yet they are not yet so glued fast that they cannot move. They work themselves into a tizzy separately pulling each limb from the ever-hardening sap, hoping to balance precariously on top of the sap long enough to pull free. They scramble and tug, they wiggle and struggle until their energy is entirely spent and then they settle into the goo, quietly resigned to whatever fate comes their way – some to be forever blotted from existence and others to become a scientific marvel, forever preserved in their amber prison. I have struggled against this case and now I am resigned to whatever the end results might be. This isn’t to say I won’t change my mind later and fight like hell one more time (and by I fight, I mean that internal emotional fight – not fight with another person). I think I’m getting to the point where I’m tired of thinking about it, I’m tired of hearing about it, I’m tired of talking about it – I just want a resolution! Perhaps there will be one the end of the month……. We march on until then!    

You can't hurry Love

Flaco announced to me on Sunday that he is planning on moving to Connecticut in the next several months. It bothers me and then it bothers me that it bothers me. It’s not like I’m secretly hoping he will come back because after all that has happened I just don’t think there is the possibility to “go back.” With trust being destroyed and the emotional damage done, it simply isn’t possible to revive a true committed relationship from the dust that is left behind. But, I realized last night as I was trying to fall asleep I am lonely and it is a wholly unattractive feeling. I miss the little things; a kiss good-night or good-morning, holding hands and snuggling, rolling over to nestle into that special comfortable spot, a quick phone call in the middle of the day just to hear your voice. I miss these things and more. I miss having someone special to care about and having someone special caring about me. I realize now with the clarity of hindsight, that there was a lot broken about our relationship and there are plenty of things I don’t miss. But, as lonely as I feel and as much as I would like to be in a committed relationship again there is something holding me back. I don’t know if it is just residual feelings for Flaco or fear of getting hurt again, but there is one thing that has struck me recently that I believe is holding me back from diving into the dating scene – knowledge. When I was dating Flaco and then once we got married, I just assumed, as everyone assumes, that I would be able to get pregnant. I assumed that all systems were a go and that my ovaries and uterus would work as they are supposed to and bring a new life into this world. Now I know better. Now I have a diagnosis and realize that having a biological child without expensive medical intervention is not possible. I think this is why I am so gung-ho about adopting solo. In my twisted mind, finding someone as a single adoptive mother is easier than finding someone and trying to convince them that I can’t give them a child and we should adopt. Because it is still something I don’t generally speak openly about, I’m reticent in revealing my fertility inadequacies. But, on the few dates I have had, it does come up mostly because I mention being a foster mother hoping to adopt. Why adopt? Why not have a biological baby? And then “it” must be explained. I don’t know if I find it difficult because I feel like I would (and should?) be less desirable as “damaged” goods – after all, who wants broken ovaries? Or maybe I find it difficult because I have closed the door on biological children, for so long I harbored the thought that Flaco and I would “accidentally” get pregnant after we adopted. Isn’t it a commonly believe myth that an infertile couple adopts and then finds out they have spontaneously conceived? But, I have mourned the loss of a biological child into the ground, to the moon and back. Having to explain this to someone new to the game is like jamming a pencil into the old wound and twisting it around a bit. And, as odd as this might sound, the hardest part is that I cannot say definitively that I am unable to procreate. No, I am not 100% incapable of birthing a child, it is just a complicated and expensive endeavor to actually conceive. Since I have never conceived a child, I must assume that should conception occur I would be able to carry and deliver a healthy baby. And we all know what happens when we assume…..

 

So, with all these hang-ups I should just embrace my status of solitude and cozy up to the idea that I will be single for quite some time. I have two friends who have recently turned 70 and they are single and have been for most of their lives. They each had a son rather young and after tumultuous marriages (one was married just once, the other was married 3 times), they decided to forge ahead alone. One friend (the one married several times) makes mention of being lonely from time to time but the other friend never does (although she did mention she joined match.com but found this process as distasteful as I did). They live full lives and are truly wonderful, strong, beautiful women whom I love very much. I suppose this is not something too awful to aspire to, right? They are doing well for themselves all alone and they are both very spry – one would not guess their age, they have such young souls! Obviously I am a long way off from 70, but I also need to just get used to being me, alone. It’s so funny because I was single all through high school and college, never had a boyfriend and while I wanted one, it was just never an all-consuming desire. I was happy being busy with other things – 4-H, friends, getting my college degree. Even when I joined the Peace Corps, I was really ok with being just me, learning a new language and culture and just living life. But now I feel rather unfulfilled as a singleton. Is it because I had “it” and now I cannot fathom my life without a “we” or is it because my biological clock ticks so loudly I can’t hardly hear myself think? I don’t know. I’m trying to learn how to just be content in the now, to let the future worry about itself and take things one day at a time. After all, what is the point in rushing life?   

Another snafu

A lot has been happening, even though I haven’t written and posted anything. A few weeks ago I had gotten frustrated with the older child’s relative bringing her back to my house so late at night (10:30 pm!!!) and I told her so. Since then she has been picking up and dropping off at the baby-sitter’s house. When I spoke to the county worker she told me the visits would be on a  strict schedule and occur every other weekend. But, the relative keeps getting to do whatever she likes, so I guess you only have to play by the rules if you are a foster parent. The behaviors of the child when she comes back to my house are nearly unbearable. Sometimes I dread picking her up from the baby-sitter’s Monday afternoons because I am assured to be in for a difficult evening. It is just so hard to keep hanging on when there is so much unrest with this case!

 

A few weeks ago I was told by the county case worker that the weekly visits the children have with their mother will increase from 5 hours to 7 hours and that in 4-6 weeks they would resume overnight visits. Two days after this pronouncement, the older child reported to her therapist that she was hit during a visit, so there was an investigation and visits with their mother were suspended for a week. The visit this past week was supervised and the visit next week might be as well. I feel like we are buzzing along and things are progressing and then BAM! we hit another snafu which seems to prolong the inevitable return home. The 6-8 weeks stay has now extended to 21 weeks and counting. I don’t know how much this blip will be in terms of length, nothing has really been discussed with me. There is another issue brewing with the older child and I’m not sure what might be the results of this latest problem, if anything. The case worker was over for a visit last night and she said there seems to be some hesitation with the county regarding the time frame for the kids’ return home. Part of me sincerely hopes that they don’t wait until the new baby is born and settled. It’s not that I don’t love these kids because I do – I just hate feeling like I’m living with my neck in the noose just waiting for the floor to drop out from under me. I’m learning to be more patient and just roll with the punches, but at some point I would like to be able to move on and actually achieve my goal of motherhood.  

 

Last week I got an email about a child from another county seeking to place him in a legal risk home as they move to terminate rights. He is nearly 4 and has a cleft palate but is described as a very happy and lovely child. I don’t know if it is a blessing or a curse, but getting a referral does not give me the same thrill of expectancy and send my imagination into over-drive like in the past. I guess I have finally gotten to the point where I can hear about a potential placement and not let it sidetrack me or send me into a tizzy.

 

For the most part I am just tired. The constant vicious cycle of  behavioral issues with the older child weigh on me and cause issues with the baby as well. Knowing that there is no immediate end in sight only makes the situation all the more grueling and difficult. Who would like their home to be in turmoil every Monday – Wednesday, sometimes Thursday? And it strikes me as odd that this placement, which was only supposed to be for 6-8 weeks, has become the longest placement I have ever had. The second longest was with the older child last year and that was just barely 5 months. We have now surpassed the 5 month mark and are heading into 6 months. But, I have made up my mind to persevere and not give up and send these kids packing. I know I felt that I was supposed to take them in when I made that return phone call back in December. There was some spiritual prompting, a stirring in my heart that said, “You should take these kids in.” I don’t know why, but I chose to believe it is all a part of God’s plan. Maybe I don’t get to keep them; maybe they just needed me for a time and I had to be there for them. Right after court in April, when the news was not something I expected to hear, I was frustrated and angry and I really was contemplating putting in my 30 days notice. But, I couldn’t imagine going back to an empty house and I knew I would miss the kids and want to know how they were doing and see them, so I pushed through my frustration. I’m resigned now. Whatever the outcome will be, for some reason I don’t yet know (and may never know) I was meant to be their temporary mommy and they were meant to be mine for a time. I don’t relish the heartache I will endure when they go home, but I will cherish the time I’ve spent with them. Last night we were in the backyard taking silly pictures with my cell phone and we laughed so hard and I know that is a memory I will carry in my heart  forever. Every time the baby comes running to me and wraps his arms around my leg or puts his hands up for me to pick him up, I will hide away in my heart. Every sweet smile, every lingering hug are mine to keep. We’ve made a lot of memories together in the past 5 months, going to see the Dinosaur exhibit, dying Easter eggs, going to the park, visiting the farm, picking strawberries, holding the baby ducks, going to the baseball game (yes, last week I was brave enough to take the two of them to a local minor league baseball game all by myself and we had a blast!), going to the yard sale, eating dinner out (lots of times!), going to church every Sunday, taking the cat the vet a million times – we have certainly done a lot! I wish our list could go on for a life-time, but I resign myself to just a season in life. I need to make room in my heart for my child because I’m sure he/she is getting nearer to being mine. But, I don’t ever want to forget the children who came before my child because they were all precious to me and I loved them with all I had while they were mine. I don’t always (ok, ever) take the time to appreciate the journey that brought me to where I am today and I want to start. I don’t want to be so worried about the future and “getting it right” that I don’t take time for today. I guess I’m just trying to learn from this experience and make the most of where I’m at right now. It ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings, right?