Return to Civility

For over a week now there has been an issue with data coverage at work. I cannot make or receiving phone calls or text messages from my desk. I have to go outside to the smoking picnic table, or leave work. This afternoon, I chose to eat outside for lunch. As I was turning on my Hulu shows I noticed a text message from Primero’s aunt. I opened it and read the message. She wanted to talk to me about Primero and what’s been going on with him. As the conversation progressed, she mentioned his mom was also there and she too wanted to converse with me. They didn’t want to just text, claiming it was too much to type, they wanted to talk on the phone. I declined. Here’s the thing. Number one, Primero is an adult and if there is something he needs to tell me he can do that himself. Number two, I know he has been talking to them and badmouthing me. I’ve heard, through Primero, their responses. Even if he did exaggerate them, I don’t want to hear their opinions again. We are not friends. I don’t owe them anything. How I choose to manage my household is up to me. I don’t need their interference. I don’t honestly believe they have anyone’s best interest in heart besides their own. We do not have a relationship and I am not seeking their advice. I have no plans to call them and I sincerely hope they do not call me.

 

Primero called me at work yesterday asking to go to family counseling. (His aunt took credit for that. Wonderful.) I agreed and I have reached out to a therapist to try to set up an appointment. It will take time. Primero has asked to have a day for us to spend together, like in the good old days. I agreed and have set it up for next Tuesday, the day before his birthday. Last night he was chatty with me, like nothing happened, like the cruel words and irrationality never even happened. But, I don’t trust it. I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I have been on this roller coaster ride with him too long to trust this return to civility will last. It’s sad, but I think he’s only doing it because he thinks if he’s nice to me I will buy him a new Apple watch that he wants for his birthday. What he doesn’t realize with all his acting out is that I have reached the end of my rope. I can no longer turn the other cheek, I can no longer allow him to walk all over me and treat me like crap then act nice to get back in my good graces and keep the things he wants. I can’t anymore. And I won’t. He needs to realize that his actions and his words have lasting effects. I don’t trust him like I used to. I don’t trust that he’s being nice because he thinks it’s the right thing to do, rather I believe it's because he wants something. I am cautious and mistrusting and I have to stay that way to keep myself emotionally safe. This is our new normal.

The Emotional Toll

Things are not good right now. Last night I googled “can I legally kick out my 18 year old son in my state?” The animosity has reached an all-time high and the emotional toll is not good for any of us, least of all the little ones. I need to try to get Love Bug evaluated because he has been having some awful days in daycare, including punching and kicking his teacher. The reports are mostly daily now. We couldn’t go to the movies as planned on Saturday because of his behaviors. I hated having to disappoint Chica Maire because she actually didn’t have a bad week. But, things with Primero are simply rotten. Our relationship, if you can call it that at this point, feels unsalvageable. He is responding unreasonably to the boundaries I am creating. He is lashing out and I am honestly fearful of how vengeful he might react. Mostly, he insists the stipend I receive since adopting him, should be his money. As in, he should choose how to spend it and I should not control the money at all. He has insinuated I am not providing for him like I should. What he refuses to see is the $700+ that he has spent on ITunes in the last 6 months or how that might make it really hard to keep balancing the money. I have cut him off. I had to close my bank card to do it, which is a giant inconvenience, but it was the only way to get him to stop. I tried reasoning with him, we agreed on an amount he could spend per month, but he did not follow our agreement. I also need to remove him from other accounts because he has too much power in things he should not have and it’s my fault I let him go with it. Life is really hard right now. I took the day off on Friday to try to regain my footing. When I attempted to make changes to the Netflix account, it enraged Primero, who got a message I was making changes. He didn’t come home all weekend, except briefly to fight with me Saturday evening because I text him about not keeping his promise to wash the dishes. He has not spoken to me since Saturday. He told me he plans to have his mother and aunt come over to tell me how I should be letting him spend the stipend money because it is his money. I told him they were not welcome in my home. I don’t know where things go from here. I don’t want to poke the bear, but I honestly want to tell Primero he needs to find a new place to stay. I don’t deserve to be treated the way he is treating me. He thinks this is all on me, all my fault and I’m the one being unreasonable. The kids asked me about him over the weekend and I tried my best to not demonize him to them. They still love him. Chica Marie was hurt that he hasn’t been around and she wanted to know why he didn’t like us anymore. How do you answer a question like that? I simply said he was making different choices but that didn’t mean he doesn’t care. I’m not sure if the kids believed me or not. This whole thing is breaking my heart, shattering it into pieces. I need to pull myself together for the sake of the little ones who need me.  

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Breeding Animosity

When we got home from the last cheerleading practice last night there were people standing in the parking spot in front of my house. It was Primero, his mother, his aunt and his cousin. Standing in the street behind his aunt’s car parked in my space. I pulled in behind them and unloaded the kids from the van. Chica Marie ran to Primero to give him a hug. He straight-armed her and said, “get off.” I said hello and ushered the kids inside, noting groceries sitting on the chair on our front porch. Inside, I began getting the kids ready for a bath, since it was already Chica Marie’s bedtime. Primero came in as I was running the bath water and I noticed he plunked the groceries down on the kitchen table. Suspicious I ask him where he got the groceries.

“My mom,” he answered.

“Why?” I countered, thinking perhaps she had bought too much stuff and offered him a share.

“Because there’s nothing to eat in this house,” he shrugged, unpacking the bags of junk food and soda. I was livid.

“So, you told your mom there’s nothing to eat in this house? Have you looked in the ‘fridge? In the cabinets? There’s plenty of food!”

“Not food for me,” he seethed.

And, so the fight began. He told his mom we had no food when he was visiting with her and his aunt the night before. She offered him her Access card to buy himself some groceries but then decided to drive down to take him grocery shopping instead. What did they buy? Canned pasta, ramen noodle soup cups, chips, soda, and white bread because I buy whole wheat. They bought junk to counter the healthy food I had in our home. Unbelievable. Primero was not home when we went grocery shopping over the weekend. He did not indicate he wanted anything, he was not really communicating with me and he hasn’t been for pretty much this entire month. But, I’m an awful mom who can’t take care of her kids because I don’t have food in the house. Are you kidding me?

Before she went to bed, Primero did apologize to Chica Marie for shoving her away from him. He sees no problem in getting food from his mother. Too bad she won’t pay his cell phone bill…..

Riding the Crazy Train

For a little while now things had been calm with Chica Marie. Her behaviors seemed to subside a bit after the adoption and only minimal things popped up occasionally. Until yesterday. When I arrived at the daycare I was pulled aside by the director who had a few things to share with me. He started with the best of the bad news. Love Bug has been having some issues in daycare with not cooperating with the group activities and being unwilling to accept things not happening when he wanted them to happen. So, he didn’t have a great day yesterday but it wasn’t anything new, just the same issues he’s been having. The next piece of information was that Chica Marie had taken it upon herself to change the name on the cubbies of the children in her classroom and mass confusion and chaos ensued. She was told to not do it again. The worst of the bad news was that Chica Marie had been kissing other children (it seems just girls) and earlier in the afternoon she was caught making out and “tongue” kissing another little girl. This was the second time it has happened, only I wasn’t informed the first time. The incident was described to me as “a full-on make-out session” and it was stressed that kissing of any kind was not permitted in the center. The director wanted to hear suggestions on how to handle this going forward in order to prevent future inappropriate contact. We are talking about my seven year old daughter, not a love-struck hormonal teenager! The only suggestion I had was to provide more structure for Chica Marie, to not let her have oodles of unplanned down time because that was when she found trouble for herself. I recommended making up a list of chores she could do and have monitored by a staff member to keep her on task. She is only in the day care for a little over 90 minutes before I get there to pick her up. I also promised to talk to her mobile therapist about it to see if he had any other suggestions. I tried talking to Chica Marie about it but I’m not so sure she really understood what I was trying to say or how doing things like this can cause her trouble in the future. I also don’t know what the involvement was of the other girls. Did they egg each other on or was Chica Maire persuading them to do it reluctantly? It seemed, in how the story was expressed to me, that Chica Marie was the aggressor, but did that mean the other girl(s) was unwilling? And where did she learn these things? I’m ready to get off this crazy train right now….

Children Used as Pawns

A few weeks ago I wrote about my supervisor making assumptions about what I could or could not do because I have young children at home. On the flip side of that is a customer who was required to attend an orientation. The paperwork explained the session could take up to two hours and asked participants to plan accordingly. She was one of the last people to arrive and, to be fair to the other customers who were there before her, she was not served immediately for the one-on-one session after the orientation. She was the last person to be served. She mentioned numerous times that she needed to leave by a certain time to get her young children. Finally, it was her turn to be seen and she was gone. She noted on her paperwork that she waited as long as she could, but she could not stay because she needed to get her little children. I am not unsympathetic to having young children who need your attention, but if it could affect your benefits why wouldn’t you make sure you had those two hours (plus travel time) free? What really bugged me was this mom using her children as pawn to get what she wanted. She did not want to be there, she did not want to wait and she thought that using her children as an excuse would allow her to leave before others. I have had my fair share of child care logistical Tetris, having to find alternative solutions when transportation or scheduling issues arise, so again I am not unsympathetic to the difficulties one can face. But, even I could swing two hours to attend an important meeting. So, as much as I didn’t like my supervisor assuming me having young children should preclude me from having to do something, I also don’t like when parents use their children as a means to try to avoid something. That is playing into the mindset that parents of young children are less-productive than staff with no children or older kids.

Donuts with Dads

Last week Chica Marie brought home a form inviting her to attend “Donuts with Dads” at her school. She handed me the paper, crestfallen. “Mommy, since I don’t have a daddy could I ask Primero to take me?” she suggested. The paper said, in big bold letters NO FEMALES, so I know I couldn’t take her. I suggested she ask Primero, but I was fairly confident he would decline to take her. She never got a chance to ask him, since he wasn’t home for most of the week last week. I had made mention of it to my mom, so she had my dad call me and he agreed to attend. This morning he showed up bright and early to walk Chica Maire to school. She was so excited to take him to school and show him off to her teacher and friends. And, she was so excited to be able to participate in the event. It was a beautiful bonding moment and an opportunity to offer simple support to Chica Marie. I’m sure she won’t forget it.

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Gut-wrenchingly Awful Decision

Primero was away from home all week. We barely spoke. He was home at some point in time on Wednesday, as evidence by the extra dirty dishes in the sink and the wet towel in the bathroom. He came home last night and spent the night at home. He told me today he would spend the day hanging out with his brother. The baby is being kept alive by a machine. The doctors have performed numerous tests and have determined the baby has no brain function or response. The parents are not in agreement to end the life support for the baby but Hermano’s family has told him they cannot be with him a second week like they were this week. On Thursday they had the baby baptized. As of right now the plan is to let him go on Sunday. It is a gut-wrenchingly awful decision to have to make.

 

Primero’s first period teacher called me on Thursday wondering if everything was ok with Primero since she hadn’t seen him all week. In trying to reach her, I ended up talking to the attendance office where I discovered Primero did not have permission to be out of school as he had told me. They explained to me, even though he is 18, in school he is still treated as a minor and they would need me to sign a permission slip for him to be out of school. I am now faced with the decision to sign it or not sign it. I am leaning towards not signing it and letting Primero handle it himself, as he indicated he already had.

 

Esperanza is back in town and staying with their aunt and uncle. She hasn’t said anything to me, but I am hoping she might stop by to say hi when things settle down a bit. I know the kids would like to see her. I’m sad she came back for something so tragic, but I’m glad she is back in town.