I Survived

    
     Yesterday I attended the first birthday party for my co-workers granddaughter. Well, first I survived buying the cutest little outfits for her and wishing I were picking one out for my own baby. Side note: Last year someone gave me used baby clothing to pass along to a friend who just had a baby boy. I never did get the clothing to her and it is still haunting me from the trunk of my car.
      So, the baby was so precious when eating the cake (she wasn't quite sure what to do with the cake until her daddy stuck her hand in it - it was the first time she had anything with so much sugar) and trying to help open the presents. There were also a plethora of other young children and babies there, including another co-worker and her son who turned one in December (I was at his birthday party too). I was helping this co-worker cut up a pbj for her little guy so she could eat her lunch. A different co-worker was laughing at how the baby was eating faster than I could cut his sandwich. Then she asked me, "Don't you want one of those?" She was joking of course, but my heart stopped and I could not look at her for fear of bursting into tears. I mumbled, "Mm-hmm" and concentrated on feeding the baby. How do I tell her, in the midst of celebrating the life of a precious miracle (I think I last posted that she was supposed to be born in May, but it was actually June - and she was actually born in March), that "wanting one of those" is all my heart desires? How do I tell her that I wish and I pray and I hope every month with every fiber of my being, that I will be blessed with "one of those?"
     Instead I have to deal with my period, which is and has always been awful. Heavy flow (or gushing as I call it) cramps galore, bloating, irritability. It doesn't seem fair, does it? I mean, if I can't be pregnant this month, could I at least evade the horrific cramps and having to clean up after the bloody mess? Seriously. Could I catch a break here? I am clinging, desperately to the edge of the cliff of positive thinking. Have I not been asking for a baby for over two years now? In the beginning I was ridiculously positive, so why don't I have a baby? I fear my anger is polluting any positive vibes I am emitting. Simply put, I am f-ing pissed off at infertility. Infertility can suck it and die! To hell with pills and blood tests and poking and prodding and wishing and hoping and hoping and hoping and hoping and hoping. I told myself I would not cry this month. I won't cry! I won't cry! I'm positive DAM IT! So why are my eyes leaking right now? To hell with it all!