The Test may not be Positive, but that doesn't mean I can't

 I last posted about trying to use the teachings from The Secret and The Law of Attraction in my life and specifically for infertility. And now the rubber hits the pavement, so to speak. Aunt Flo is officially here. Deep down, I want to weep. I am struggling to find the belief that we are already parents (according to The Secret and The Law, this is a surefire way to get what  you want – by already claiming and believing you have it). Red means stop, not go. Even as I type this I am attempting to per sway my mind to think of happier things so that happier thoughts will dominate my mind. I must confess that I am barely hanging on. On the plus side, at least now I don’t have to feel guilty for running out of pre-natal vitamins and forgetting to buy more when I went grocery shopping. Silver-lining people. Silver-lining.
      So, as my inner infertility demons gleefully attack my new positive thinking, I have also been accosted by an over-abundance of baby-related happenings at work. I posted last week about the new grandma. Her baby was back in the office this week. A different co-worker brought her by my desk and declared I needed “one of these.” Insert the knife, twist, yank out my heart. Thanks. Another co-worker is in the process of adopting a baby girl (the baby is 1 ½) and on Wednesday a bunch of co-workers had a little party for her because the baby officially moved into their home. She cheerfully showed me all of the beautiful baby clothes. Three times. Take copious amounts of salt. Rub in wound. Thanks. This morning I came to work and a male co-worker said, “Quick go to the back corner” because a friend of mine had her little girl with her this morning. Give me a good swift kick to the shins as I lie crumpled in pain. Thanks. And tomorrow I am attending a one year birthday party (my third in less than a year). The baby was supposed to be born last May, but she came very early and only weighed a little over 2 pounds. She is now a healthy, happy miracle. And tomorrow we celebrate her one year of life. Deliver the coup de grâce. Thanks. (Side bar – I do realize that these things are not about me and I am going because I do truly want to celebrate this little one’s life. Just in case anyone was thinking I was so self-involved to not understand that). 
     I am going to end this on a positive note. Because I must. I am going to envision what I want, rather than dwell on what I do not have. Here goes: Incredulously, I tell Flaco that after more than 2 years of anguish he will be a father. He is so overjoyed he cries. I then phone up my mother and she cries. Finally, I call my doctor and schedule my first appointment. Me and miracle baby are both extremely healthy. Miracle baby grows (hahaha Miracle Grow!) and grows and my pregnancy is a breeze (hey, don’t I deserve that at least?!). Finally, the timer goes off any it is time for Miracle baby to make his/her grand entrance. My labor is not so bad (come on, this is a day dream – I wouldn’t dream myself lots of pain now would I?!) and I am over-come with so much joy and love that I sob happy tears when they place Miracle baby in my arms. We take Miracle baby home and live happily ever after. Or least for a few years until we decide Miracle baby needs a sibling. Second time, no infertility issues!
     I wish us all this beautiful story! If I could I would wish away all infertility issues. “I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight.” Amen!