Maybe moving on?

     So, I noticed some very light spotting today. I am trying very hard to not ask Dr. Google what this might mean. My period isn’t due until next Friday at the earliest. Generally, I run closer to a 30-32 day cycle, rather than 28 days. Friday (3/25) is day 28. But, Aunt Flo likes to keep things interesting. In the past, I have spotted anywhere from 3 to 10 days before getting my actual period. Most notably, last month I spotted for about 6-7 days, stopped for a day, and then got my full-fledged period. While this spotting is early, it is not entirely impossible for my period to be on it’s way. I should not think this discoloration on the TP is anything other than a harbinger for my actual menses. I accept this reality and I will not let Google MD change my mind.
     I have been noticing lately that I am feeling more and more like myself again, rather than the slobbering, miserable, trying-to-conceive me who is beyond miserable. I am focusing more on an attainable goal, something I can work hard to achieve, rather than hope and pray and not know what else to do to achieve – like a pregnancy. I don’t know what this means for any future treatments. Am I saying I will no longer consider infertility treatments to have a baby? At this point, I just don’t know. Right now, I am glad to be feeling “normal” again; to feel like the world is a mixture of black, white, and gray that there is both good and bad and not every experience ends in extreme inner turmoil. My mind has been freed from the bonds of a Clomid induced hormonal melt-down and I can once again believe that I am a good person and deserving of good things. I am my only Polly Anna to last month’s Eeyore. And I am not sure I am ready to upset this balance again. Part of me feels like this is giving up and a greater part of me is relieved to not have to worry about every little thing my body does every waking second of every single day.
     I don’t know what this means and I am feeling a little lost. For two years this trying-to-conceive endeavor has been my major focus, eclipsing other life goals. I have been so lost in my fruitless pursuit of a baby, that I don't know what to do with myself if I am not actively pursuing procreation. I feel like I am without a purpose. Lost and adrift in a life that might never yield a baby without extreme measures. So, where does this leave me? I don't know. For the time being, I am sticking to the three month plan; try to lose weight, take the metaformin, and try Clomid again month three. Plus, I am going in for my annual with my doctor and I will discuss with her what all has happened at the infertility clinic and see if she has any other ideas. Maybe this is a good thing. It can't be a bad thing to feel less stressed, right?