One week

I wanted to post last night, I had a lot of things on my mind that I wanted to say, but after coming home from grocery shopping, putting everything away, washing two sinks full of dishes, and getting some items ready to be mailed, I was too exhausted. Yesterday was Flaco’s first day alone with the baby. In the morning they took me to work and then Flaco went to play soccer with some friends. They play in an indoor gym and he took the baby along. Apparently, the baby nabbed a basketball from a group of men playing on a court near them and was just going and going and going until they got in the car and the baby fell asleep on the short car ride home. I was distraught (I called not long after they got home) because the baby took a nap before he had lunch. Plus, this was getting him off the schedule I had him on (which was apparently so important in the decision to place him with us!). Flaco fed him two chicken fingers and some mashed potatoes for lunch and then played with him and tried to work on removing the rug from the baby’s room to put in a (fake) wooden flooring. Why, you ask, did we not replace the flooring before we got a two year in the house? Well, this was not something we had really planned to do, but Flaco got a good deal on the flooring from a friend who bought too much when he was renovating his house. And the rugs in our house were to craptastic that they are just not holding up. Needless to say, Flaco did not get too far in this process because of trying to make sure the baby did not get under foot. Because of this flooring issue, the baby could not sleep in his bed last night. He had to sleep with us. But, I am getting ahead of myself. 

Flaco and the baby came to pick me up at work and they got here a few minutes early, so I brought the baby inside to meet some of my coworkers. He was as charming as ever, happily doodling all over a note pad I have on my desk. We went home and I called a friend of mine to get some suggestions and tips on starting cloth diapering (more on this later). The baby would not have it. He wanted my full attention and NOW. Plus, he was hungry again and of course, Flaco did not get anything out to make for dinner. So, I suggested we go out to eat. We went to a local Mexican restaurant and the baby was really a good boy. He made a moderate mess and flirted with the waitress by dropping his crayons every time she walked by so she would stop and hand them back him. He ate almost all of the chicken from my enchilada, some rice (I tried to feed him some guacamole and the face he made had me laughing until the tears ran!!), and a few of Flaco’s French fries. By the time we got home it was nearly time for the baby’s bath and then bed time. Flaco tried to work on the flooring while I bathed the baby and got him ready for bed. Feeling brave after speaking to my friend, I strapped on a lovely new orange cloth diaper for the baby to give a whirl. Flaco and I decided that he would stay with the baby while I went grocery shopping (we both agreed it would be faster if I went alone, rather than the three of us trek out together). So, Flaco settled the baby in bed with him and I went to Target. 

I got lost in baby world, seeking the items on my list of things we need. I found some more socks for the baby and the baby treats he likes (the Target brand was on sale!). I got some spill-proof sippy cups and baby spoons a baby toothbrush (which I now think is lost somewhere in our bedroom) and baby toothpaste. I bought some other grocery items and returned home. The house was quiet as I unloaded the car and put the grocery items away. I peeked in our room and saw the cutest site (unfortunately, it was too dark to take a picture). The baby was sleeping in Flaco’s arms his little hand gripping Flaco’s neck and their foreheads were touching. It just melted my heart! I set about trying to get things in order and as I was ready to climb into bed (it was nearly midnight!), I felt something wet on the sheet. It turns out the cloth diaper I put on the baby was leaking. Or, rather, the person who put the cloth diaper on the baby might have put it on too tight or something . . . . I chalk it up to user error. Undeterred, I put another pad in a second diaper and fastened it on a sleepy and now grumpy baby. This morning the second diaper had on came open, but there was no leakage. I think it came open because I had to many liners in the diaper, since it was crazy thick. I will keep working on this! I need to get a few more diapers to switch the baby to cloth full time, but it is something I really want to do. I think most of my coworkers who have children (or grandchildren) think I am bonkers, but I want to use cloth diapers for several reasons. One, I hate having stinky diapers sitting around – even if we did get a diaper genie. Two, I think it will be a money saver versus constantly buying disposable diapers (and considering I have already he-manned one diaper and tore the velcroe off before even getting it on the baby!). Plus, my family has an organic farm – not that we are tree-hugger hippy greenies (not that there is anything wrong with people who are green, hug trees or identify themselves as hippys) – but, we like things that are natural, healthy and renewable. Enter, the cloth diaper. And, they are so freaking cute! So, I am going to surf a few websites and get some more cloth diapers and give it the old college try. Even if the baby doesn’t stay with us, I will keep the diapers for the “next” baby.

Speaking of the baby staying with us. I was so hoping that Flaco would be as smitten with him as I am after spending two days straight with him. But, last night as we were falling asleep in our clean, pee-free sheets, Flaco asked how long the baby would be staying. I said I didn’t know, until we made up our minds. He asked if I wanted the baby to stay and I said I did. He said he didn’t think he did. I keep praying that Flaco will change his mind because I am already heads-over-heels in love with this little boy and I don’t want him to be anywhere other than with us. I try not to think about the future and just enjoy caring for this bouncing (off the walls) baby boy!!

Dinner Out

This morning I had to go to work for a stupid sexual harassment webinar - not fun. Afterwards, I picked up the baby and we went to the post office to mail some packages. The baby was eating Cheerios and spilling them all over the floor. I tried to manage the spillage by picking them up and throwing them away. The baby helped but there were still a lot of Cheerios on the floor. I felt bad because I don't want to be one of "those" moms who's child leaves chaos and insanity in their wake while mom just moves on obviously. Anyway, we got home and I made the baby a toasted cheese sandwich and cooked carrots. He ate almost all of the sandwich but would not touch the carrots. Eh, I tried! We played for a little while and I could tell he was getting tired, but he was fighting sleep. Flaco came home because he bought some random wooden flooring from a friend and the friend was dropping it off. The baby was happy to see him. Flaco got him to take a nap. I napped with the baby for a few minutes until Flaco woke me up to talk about something.

After the baby woke up from his nap I gave him some apple juice - the last in the house, in fact - not two seconds later it was spilled all over the floor (apparently I did not close it correctly). The baby was not impressed when I told him there was no more. He was even less impressed when I told him there were no more cookies (animal crackers). I had no choice, we had to go to the grocery store. I called my mom to go with us and we headed out. We did a quick shopping trip which was going fine until we got to the check out line - of course we got a trainee who was more concerned in how she turned on the conveyor belt than the fact that a two year old was lunging out of the car attached to the front of the shopping cart (do you have any idea how hard those things are to drive?!? Sheesh!). Anyway, my dad showed up in the nick of time (my mom and I went to the grocery store right next to where my dad has a stand at a small local farmers market). The baby is not so sure of my mom, but he likes my dad (I think he is more trusting of men because his primary caretaker was a man). We decided to go out to eat to a local Italian restaurant. This was the first time I would be taking a two year old out to dinner. This is a restaurant where you have to be a member to get in. My mom is a member, I am not (even though it is only about 3 blocks from my house). I got in the door and told the gatekeeper the woman at the desk was my mom. She had her back to me. Holding a squirming two year old in a big fluffy winter coat while balancing a purse and diaper bag and making sure the two year old is not banging his sippy cup into other people in a jam-packed room. Anyway, my mother did not see me and went back outside to wait for me. I took the baby and sat down then called my mom to come inside because the baby was starting to get antsy and throw himself to the ground. He does not wait very patiently and I forgot to bring along a toy to distract him - rookie mistake. Anyway, he ate the entire box of animal crackers I had just bought him while we waited. He was happier once we got seated. My dad buttered some bread for him and we got a few slices of Sicilian pizza before the meals came out. The baby loved the butter bread and pizza. I ordered him chicken fingers and he ate almost an entire, rather large piece. My parents had fun getting to know him a little better. He had my mom laughing to the point she was in tears because of how he played with the spaghetti noodles I gave him. All-in-all it was a good outing. Once we got home, I gave the baby a bath and put him to bed. I tried something different tonight. I put him in bed and then read to him until he fell asleep. It worked but about 15 minutes ago he came tearing out of his room into the living room to me. I took him back to bed and he fell back to sleep right away. I think he just wanted to make sure I was still here.

So, a few random notes. At work today I had some very nice gifts from the people I work with. And when I got home another gift was waiting, having been sent through the mail. More books! The ones I read to the baby tonight to put him to sleep. From work, I got a box of disposable diapers. In the mail, I got cloth reusable diapers. Right now I have been using disposable diapers for the baby, since that was the easiest thing to get for him. But, I would like to switch him to cloth diapers. However, I am a little overwhelmed by the idea and feel like I have no earthly clue what I am doing. I guess I will figure it out . . . .

Other random note - I love dressing the baby! I love picking out his little outfits and it makes me so happy to see how freaking cute he is in the outfits I create for him! He has this cute blue and black checked jacket with big toggle buttons and a fluffy fleece hood and he looks like a little doll in it! I can't wait for church on Sunday because he has the cutest little black dress shoes to wear - and a sweater vest! I love a baby in a sweater vest!!

So, I will have this weekend with the baby and then Monday it will be back to my normal work schedule. It will be hard to go to work for an entire day! But, Monday and Tuesday the baby will be with Flaco - it will give them time to develop a bond, since the baby has been with me a lot more than Flaco. I am anxious to see how Flaco manages with a toddler in the home all by himself! I am sure they will be fine!

On another note, I finally got my period yesterday (it was quite late). I called Patsy at Hershey Med to start the process to be in the infertility study. Flaco still wants to go forward with it - and hey, everyone keeps telling me I will get pregnant now that we have a baby in the home, so why not? We have a four hour initial screening appointment on 2/14 - Valentine's Day! Nothing more romantic than infertility testing! You know I was worried about putting this information "out there" on my blog because I thought people might think we are not serious about adoption or something. Anyway, I decided it is something we want to do because no matter what eventually happens with the baby or any other child placed with us, we know we would really like to have more than one child, so I guess we will go at it from both sides. This might not make sense to other people, but it is our decision to make and this is the road we are taking. For tonight, I just hope the baby stays in bed so we can get some sleep!

Getting to Know You

Today I spent the whole day with the baby. I am exhausted. Not just from chasing a 2 year old around all day, but also because he had a bad night last night. I was alone putting him to bed and it took me 45 minutes. He slept soundly until Flaco came home around 10 pm. Then he woke up and only feel asleep for Flaco. Then, around 3-3:30 am, he came into our room crying. Flaco scooped him up and because the baby was clinging so tightly to his neck, plopped him in bed between us, where he slept fitfully until around 8 am. This morning the baby's teacher, Maria, came by the house for his therapy. I'm not really sure what kind of therapy, really. She said she worked with him on his speech, but if he didn't improve she would need to call in a specialist. She had him work on putting pegs into a foam pad with holes in it. She explained that not a lot is known about his mother's pregnancy with him. She also let us know he only started talking about 5-6 months ago and mostly speaks in Spanish (because that is what his previous foster family mostly spoke). She is coming back next Thursday. She told us to keep talking to him and try to get him to say an item, rather than pointing and grunting at it (which tonight he did by telling me over and over again he wanted a cookie (animal cracker) until he ate the whole box!). We should also find him a simple puzzle or shape game and have him work at it for about 20 minutes to increase his attention span. I asked if it was ok for us to speak to him in English and Spanish and she said it was ok, but just that we know right now he speaks and understands more Spanish than English. I find that he understands both languages rather well.

I think the baby is doing surprisingly well considering the trauma he has just experienced. He is a very happy baby, laughing and babbling to himself for most of the day. He is also very affectionate, diving into my arms and giving me bear hugs. He likes to play with my hair and push it in front of my face. He also love his bath time. Tonight he dumped a large cup of water all down the front of me and I couldn't help it, I just laughed and laughed at him and me! Trying to keep the house in order and the floors clean has been a monumental task I have yet to master - or even come close. And I worry that the baby is not getting enough food, since he insists upon feeding himself and spends most of his meal time dropping food on the floor for Canela or smearing it all over the table. For lunch this afternoon, he dropped almost half of his lunch on the floor - it was a pasta soup a friend had come over to make. It got all over the dog and all under the table. It was not fun to clean up! The baby didn't like my mom's homemade applesauce and he didn't eat much of the beans and rice I made him tonight. My mom suggested making him more finger foods. This means another trip to the grocery store, since I don't have many finger foods in the house.

I have also started making a list of the things that we need to purchase, such as a changing mat. The baby had his first poop with us this morning and it was a hot mess when I was trying to change him. He is too big for the changing table attached to his bed so I have just been putting him on the floor. This works unless he did number two - then not so much. I found my list growing and growing and growing! But, I think we can get things bit-by-bit.

Right now the hardest thing for me is trying to figure out my schedule while also caring for a toddler. I have parties, bridal shows, and other events planned with my Mary Kay business and these things usually take place after normal working hours (because I am generally at work normal working hours). I am working on the things that are coming up this weekend. Generally, a couple has 9 months to work out these issues. We've had since Tuesday!

I called WIC today to enroll the baby (as instructed by Heather at CHOR). I had to leave a message due to a high volume of calls. I was patched through by a rather unhappy telephone operator. I also called the babysitter and spoke with her about the baby starting there next week. She suggested Flaco bring the baby by Monday or Tuesday morning when he has off, so the baby can meet some of the other kids and her before being there the whole day.

I don't know if this post makes any sense. I am so tired right now and my mind is spinning - Flaco is still having doubts about adopting the baby and I am starting to fall in love with him. My heart hurts for his situation because he is a sweet, sweet little boy who deserves to be with a family who loves him unconditionally.

Arms no Longer Empty

The baby is napping. I am going to try to get this post done before he wakes up! Yes, there is a two year old in my home and I am not at work at 3 pm on a Wednesday afternoon. Let me start at the beginning and explain why.....

CHOR called us on Monday and asked if we would still be willing to do respite for the baby. We agreed. We had to meet with the county social worker at the County Services Building Tuesday afternoon at one. We agreed and I made the arrangements with work, to leave around noon and come back sometime after the meeting. Heather, the social worker from CHOR would be meeting us there and she would also be there during the meeting.

Heather called me at work yesterday morning around quarter to twelve to confirm the meeting and she stated that the county wanted to move him that same day and asked if we were ok with that. I said, "yes" and shortly after left work to pick up Flaco and go to the Services Building. Unfortunately, Heather had told me "court house" and, well it's a little confusing, but there is a court house (the old court house) and right behind it is the court house (aka County Services Building or "new" court house) - guess which one we went to? Right. So, even though we were about 10-15 minutes early, we were in the wrong building, so we ended up being about 10 minutes late. The county worker was super-nice (her name is Jessica) and she asked us a bunch of questions. My first question to them was how long they thought that the baby would be in respite and if the plan was eventually to get him back to his current foster family. Jessica explained that the county had actually filed a petition with the court to change his adoption plan and remove the foster family from this plan. The baby would not be going back to them. She further explained that they want him to be in a home that is considering adoption because he is free to adopt right now - his parental rights have already been terminated. They need a family that is structured and able to work with the baby to not give in to his every whim, so he can learn to properly control his temper. (I need to interject here, that despite reading all the paperwork, I still don't really understand what the other foster family did wrong to lose the baby)

This information kind of hit us from left field. Flaco was only semi-willing to do respite (he doesn't want to get attached and then have the child removed). Now, a curve ball. The baby is ours, if we are willing to adopt him. But, the reasons we were unsure of this still remain - we were not sure we would be able to handle his temper tantrums (which we have yet to experience) any better than his previous foster family. And then there is the issue of parental drug and alcohol abuse. And Flaco's issue. We grabbed each other's hands and jumped in.

After Jessica's interrogation (really, it wasn't that bad), Heather asked if we could get to CHOR by 4:30 that afternoon. She had decided that she would have the foster family bring the baby and all 6 of us (Flaco, me, foster parents, the baby, and Heather) would meet in one of the rooms. Foster parents would give us some information about the baby's daily schedule, his likes and dislikes and then they would leave and we would stay with the baby and then, once he felt comfortable with us, we would leave. Well, good intentions pave the way to hell, no? We arrived on time (btw, I never went back to work, we grabbed something to eat, went home for a few minutes and then went to CHOR) and were ushered into the (very hot) waiting room. Heather came down a few minutes later. As we were walking out of the room, the foster family came inside with the baby. Well, foster mom and baby, foster dad took one look at us and balked, refusing to come inside. Mass confusion ensued for a few minutes until Heather could corral us up-stairs into one of the rooms. There, foster mom began to tell us about the baby in English, Spanish, and Spanglish. She had to stop a few times because she was crying. It was heart-wrenching (I have been reading other adoption blogs lately and they all say the same thing, which I can only confirm - adoption ain't for sissy's!!). After about 20 minutes, Heather brought foster dad into the room to say his final good-bye. He couldn't look at us. He was crying and trying so hard not to. He bear hugged the baby and managed to say (in Spanish punctuated by sobs) he loved this little boy and his heart was breaking to lose him and he wasn't sure how he would go on without his boy. He begged us to take good care of the baby then, he handed baby to foster mom, shook our hands and bolted. Foster mom reiterated the plea to take good care of him and she took left the room (foster dad's plea and his desperation really had an affect on Flaco - he keeps talking about how bad he felt taking this man's baby). Heather left with them, to finish carrying the baby's things into the building. Flaco and I were alone with a very sad baby, who didn't want to leave the door his foster parents had just walked out of. We got him interested in playing with some toys and his cheery disposition soon returned.

After Heather reviewed some paperwork with us and she and I packed all the items into the car (he had so much stuff it all almost didn't fit in our car!) while Flaco played with the baby. Then, she taught us car seat 101 and we were headed home. With a baby in our backseat, who promptly fell asleep. My father had been at our house fixing the heater in the baby's room and he and my mom went out to eat nearby, after she got off from work. I think they were hovering a bit, but they were anxious, just like we were. They were at the grocery store when I called them. I told them we needed to get the baby some dinner (he last ate around 2) and they said they would pick up some things for us. So, we got home and I had to unpack the car (Flaco was in charge of watching a very curious baby) and then take an inventory of all of the baby's things. My parents showed up not long after and we fed the baby Cheerios and a little kids microwave dinner bowl (it was so gross looking!). Then they left so we could give him a bath and get him to bed around 8 (he was actually in bed around 8:30). The baby LOVED the bath, splashing all the water in the tub out onto me and the floor. He is not crazy about Canela and she isn't sure about him, but I think there is potential there! He really, really wants to pet the kitty (Brisa - Jackson has taken refuge in the basement and only comes out when the baby is safely in bed asleep), but she has no interest in him. When putting the baby to bed last night, I tried everything to get him to calm down and stay in bed (he is in a toddler bed), but it wasn't until Flaco came in to be with him, that he finally fell asleep. The baby took to Flaco right away and it is sweet to see them together.

This morning, while I was getting ready for work, Flaco had the baby in bed with him, eating Cheerios (and Flaco knows how much I hate it when he eats in bed!!) and watching cartoons. Then I took the baby to another foster mom's place for her to watch him while I went to work. I left work around 10:30 to pick him up and we have been home ever since. We had lunch. Well, the baby had lunch while I washed dishes. He called me mama during lunch. It surprised me because I have not called myself mama to him, I wanted him to get to that on his own. I thought it might take some time, but perhaps not. He asked for papi, although I am not sure if he meant foster dad or Flaco. After lunch, we finished folding his clothes and putting them away and then we went for a short walk with Canela. The baby was more than happy to hop right into his stroller and hop out again when we got to the park. I tied Canela to one of the jungle gyms (she was not impressed) and played with the baby. He went down the slide and in the swing and he just generally liked running around (they have some kind of special squishy flooring there that is nice for the little kids), then we walked the two blocks home. As I am struggling to get a dog and two year old back into the house a woman pulled up asking for directions. I'm sure she's half way to Canada by now, since I am terrible with directions! Back home, the baby was playing for a bit, then turned around and bear hugged me, climbed into my lap and promptly fell asleep. He has been asleep ever since (I took a 20 minute nap with him, until my arms hurt from holding him - then I put him in our bed, since I am washing his sheets - I wanted to wash them last night, but didn't get a chance and they were never washed before).

So, that is it in a nutshell! We went from 0 (kids) to 2 (year old) in a matter of hours!! I am exhausted (didn't sleep well last night because I was worried I wouldn't hear the baby if he started to cry - we need to get a monitor) and exhilarated. I am still nervous about what the future might hold, but I am trying to take it just one day at a time. The baby is a very happy and lovable baby. He knows some words (like his favorite, NO!) but I wish he was able to communicate more. He mostly speaks in Spanish, but he understands both English and Spanish. His early intervention teacher is coming over tomorrow morning around 9 am - she comes every week to meet with him. I am hoping her prognosis will be encouraging for us and I plan to pick her brain on what I can do to further his development (I feel like I need to have a degree in early childhood development or something!). I read over the paperwork that CHOR gave us regarding the baby. As with all the kids in foster care, it is sad. I do worry that his biological mother was given (somewhat contradictory) serious mental health diagnoses and there seems to be a long family history of alcoholism. I am hoping that our encouragement and determination to work with the baby will make the difference. For now, I am just content wiping up the driblets all over the floors from the sippy cup and making sure the baby feels safe here. I will be home with him all day tomorrow and Friday morning I will need to go to work again, but will be with him the afternoon. Now, before he wakes up from his nap, I am going to get some shut-eye!

Respite

So, the little boy I wrote about last week will be staying with us after all. Chantel from CHOR called this morning, asking if we would take him in, as respite (which is kind of like foster baby-sitting) since the county decided they want this boy removed from the foster home. Heather (the social worker who I initially spoke to regarding the two little girls a few weeks ago) called to say that Consuelo recommended our family because we have a lot of structure in our family (whatever that means, it's just me and Flaco). We are meeting with the county tomorrow because they want to interview us before placing the baby in our home. The meeting is at the court house at 1 pm. After that we will plan on when he will come to us, but the county is hoping to have him placed (re-placed?) by tomorrow. Flaco is not gung-ho about this placement for two main reasons. 1) He is worried about the baby only being for us a short time and this making me feel worse when he is gone. 2) He is not sure because of the color of this baby - which makes me mad and crazy, but it is what it is. Flaco wants a child that will look like us, no matter how ludicrous this is considering we are adopting! So, we are going to give it a try and I did tell both Chantel and Heather that we are not agreeing to adoption right now, but we will give it a try. I am hoping that this sweet little boy will melt Flaco's heart and that with our love and structure, he will be able to overcome some of the behavioral issues he has. We are diving in head first here and taking a risk on accepting, mostly because we have reservations. I guess I just feel the need to have a baby in our home right now, even if it is temporary and I will suffer afterwards. Perhaps this is stupid. I want what is best for this precious boy, but right now I am not even sure what that is. I know we will take good care of him and love him while he is here - even given Flaco's misgivings, I know he will care for the baby. And maybe that is all we are supposed to do right now. As always, I will up-date on this situation tomorrow, after more information is available. And, I am grateful for all the support from my friends in this endeavor!

5th Time is the Charm?

Once again, we seem to be a day late and a dollar short. At least in terms of actually getting the placement we are called to take. The two year old little boy CHOR called about yesterday will stay with his foster family. They want to keep us in mind if things turn sour again (they are having an emergency meeting with the county the middle of next week to determine what should be done, since the county doesn't feel comfortable with this placement now) – but I’m not really sure we want to be the back-up plan, like we’re second best. The social worker sent this information to me in an email, along with about 6 pictures of him. Seeing him makes it sting a little more, but I think it is best for him to stay with his foster family – that is the feeling I have deep in my heart. I think I knew right away yesterday that this was not going to work out – for some reason it just didn’t feel right. Not like the two little girls last week. . . .  I really bawled my eyes out over them! But, I don’t doubt that my phone will ring again soon. And as so many people have been telling me, when it is meant to be, it will happen. But, I am already getting weary. We have been on this roller coaster for over three years now and I’m tired – so emotionally tired and worn down. I feel like we get knocked down and we get back up, but each time we get up slower and slower and contemplate just staying down and giving up. Sometimes I worry that I won’t have anything to give when we finally do get a placement because I will have given it all out to all the “almost” babies. But, today is a new day, I have a fun evening planned (so long as it doesn’t snow) and a busy Saturday. Maybe the fifth time is the charm? 

As a side note, Flaco has been opening up a little bit more about how he has been feeling during this agonizing journey. He told me the other night how he feels like he has been watching the joy and spark in my life slowly ebb away, as infertility ate at my very being (ok, so he didn’t say it quite like that, but that was the gist!). He said it has been hard for him to hold onto the hope of ever becoming a father. Last night when we were talking about the little boy, I mentioned how much I wanted the two little girls to be placed with us and he said, “me too.” I was sure that he was relieved we were not getting them, but that is not true. Flaco just internalizes these things more than I do. I want to talk about the feelings of loss and sadness and he wants to stuff these feelings deep within himself. I mean, it’s took him three years to admit how much he has suffered during this infertility mayhem – even though I knew he was hurting. So, onward infertility soldiers.

Here We Go Again!

We got another call today for a placement. He is a 2 year old little boy. His parent’s parental rights have been terminated and he has been in foster care since he was 6 months old. His current foster parents were supposed to have a court hearing in March to begin finalization. But, they were not doing all they were instructed to do for this little boy. So, technically they are only using us for respite to see if the foster family can rectify the issues. But, they want the baby to be in a home that is looking to adopt. I will say that Flaco and I have some reservations about this placement, but for different reasons. Flaco is concerned because the baby might be moreno and that this is potentially only a temporary placement. I am worried because he has some behavioral issues and is getting special in-home instruction to speak and learn to control his temper (he apparently bangs his head into the wall when he gets very upset). But, he is making good progress. He was initially put in foster care because his parents were very young and both using drugs and alcohol. So, I worry about the ramifications if drugs or alcohol were used while he was in the womb. Regardless of our reservations, we said yes, we will take him in. And we are waiting again for a confirmation call letting us know what our next move is. I am not all a-fluster like I was last week with the two little girls. My mind is not racing, my imagination is not running wild, I am calm and collected. I think because I don’t believe we will get this placement – the old feelings of thinking it won’t happen to spare myself the pain when it doesn’t are creeping in. I just keep telling myself that God has a plan for us, even if I have no idea what that might be. God’s plan is perfect! If anything happens later on tonight, I will certainly up-date!

***** The only up-date is that the social worker never called back. She is a distant relative to my  friend Sara, who texted her and then told me she was with clients tonight, so most likely she will call me back tomorrow. I am frustrated because I have things planned and I am not cancelling them for a possiblity. So, we shall see what happens tomorrow!

Reflections

    I am doing surprisingly well right now. I was very sad on Friday from the emotional roller coaster and the deflating let-down, but I think I've recuperated better than the months before when Aunt Flo would arrive. I still think of the girls and pray they are settling in wherever they are, but I have made my peace that that placement wasn't for us. And I am glad for the things we learned during that crazy night. One, me and Flaco live on different planets. When we thought we were going to be getting two daughters I worried about what we would feed them, how much clothing they would have, where they would sleep and when we would be able to buy car seats. Flaco's first question was, "Are they baptized or do we have to do that?" (To which I answered, "I don't know but we can't do that until they are officially ours.") His next question was, "What will they call me?" (I said, I don't care just so long as we can call them "ours"). Me - practical, important things. Flaco - random, less-important things. But, I guess between the two of us, we would make it work! I also learned that my mom is still rather lukewarm to the whole foster-to-adopt thing. She was nervous about how the girls would be (I think she still holds the belief that foster care must mean there is something "wrong" with the child) and leary about the process. And she reiterated her belief that I would "get pregnant for sure" once these girls were in our home. (Random side note, my pastor's wife is all one person in the world still holding onto the belief that we will miraculously conceive - just today she prayed for our fertility, right after I told her the story of our failed placement - I know she means well, but still!) Sigh. But, she did go out and buy bibs and crib sheets and was thinking of other things we will need. I'm sure all my mother's doubts will be erased the second she meets our special little one, but sometimes it's hard to handle her disappointment and my own when it comes to us getting the short end of the stick in the reproductive category. I also learned how important this blog is to me, because "writing" all about this experience really helped me to be (a little) more rational and to get "it" out in a more healthy way. We are certainly more prepared for our next call - the crib is all set up (someday I will try to post pictures) at least. And I was reminded about how many wonderful people there are in my life who are rooting for us and praying for us and in a small way, traveling down this road with us. The support of friends like Amy and Sara mean so much to me, I cannot say in words how much. I don't know where I would be, if I didn't have them in my life. As well as my friend Cammee, who feeds me delicious food and even better wine and other homemade cocktails to help me unwind. I am eternally grateful to them all and for taking this rocky road with us! I don't know, I just have this feeling that our next call will be pretty soon - maybe I am just that anxious for it, but I truly think we will be getting a placement sooner rather than later, which is a-ok with me!

Live and Learn

I didn’t sleep well last night. I tossed and turned and finally woke up 30 minutes before my 6:15 alarm was set to go off. I got up early and trudged through my morning routine. Or is it mourning routine? I am sluggish and disheartened. We have not heard one peep from CHOR. I called and left a message for Heather this morning. Then around 11, I called Consuelo and left a message. At lunch I checked my cell phone and found a message from Heather. She assumes the county decided not to place the girls with CHOR. She sounded annoyed and reiterated at least three times that she was not in the office today.  I don’t like this process. It feels like some kind of competition for a baby. And it is mad confusing! According to my friend Sara, the county sends out emails to various agencies looking to place a child or sibling group and whoever gets back to them first gets the placement. Maybe we’ll win the next go-round. My mom called this morning. She wanted to know what was going on, since I never called her last night to let her know what went down. I told her we never heard back. She said (and this is a direct quote), “They’re stupid.” I’m not sure if the “they” are the county or CHOR. I told her this is the process, how it works sometimes. I feel like this weekend lost all it’s color. What was going to be a fun time of exploring and settling in and getting to know one another is now just another weekend. I feel like Dorothy, only rather than stepping out of the fallen house into a land of color, I have landed in a drab Oz of varying shades of gray. And my impending period feels like an added loss somehow; even though I have learned the hard way to not trust my reproductive system, it only lets me down time after time. But, still it feels like a double whammy right now . . . . . After my mom's call, my friend’s husband called to say he was pulling up in front of our house to drop off the crib. Flaco decided to put the crib together, since he was up anyway. My heart aches because for a brief moment, these precious little girls were mine. I could feel them in my arms. I could see them in my house. I could hear them playing and laughing and bringing us such joy. I loved them without meeting them, just like a pregnant woman loves her unborn child before “meeting” her. I keep telling myself this must mean that God has an even better match for us and an even bigger blessing coming our way. But, the words echo hollowly in my confounded mind. I am grateful for my friend Sara. Not only has she given us a crib, but she is an excellent calming source since she has “been there, done that” with foster-to-adopt. Plus, she endured the endless frantic texting last night, assuring me and nudging me to be patient. And for my dear friend Amy because she was hanging on the edge there with us, desperately waiting for good news. I was thinking last night on my drive home from Sara’s place, that it is good to have so many people in our corner. I know there were at least three other couples (Sara, Amy, and my parents) praying for us last night and we appreciated it. Today, I think I am over-emotional because my period is due to start any second and nasty little hormones are rearing their ugly heads – that and the lack of sleep. I felt like this was such great timing for us, because I have off from work on Monday and my sister and her boyfriend are coming up to visit from D.C. so they could have met the girls right away. . . . .  It just would have been really nice. I guess it was not meant to be. But, as my mother said this morning – at least each time we get a call we seem to get more things that we need and we are more prepared. This is true. We have a crib now, in our home getting set up. We borrowed a mattress from my friend, but will need to purchase our own soon. I’m not sure how I feel about having an empty crib in our house. On one hand, it reminds me of what we don’t have and that we are still waiting and all the heartache and pain this journey has caused. On the other hand, it might act like a magnet – one thing The Secret teaches is that “nature” hates a vacuum, so it will work to fill it in – in our situation this might mean the crib will attract and be “filled” with a baby very soon. Perhaps, it is time I do some adoptive nesting? Get ready for a baby of some kind (even though we don’t know how old her or she might be). It might be cathartic. Maybe, when I am feeling a little stronger (I need to be strong to endure entering the world of “baby” – most times I feel like an interloping imposter and have hated the experience both times I found myself at Baby’s R Us – maybe I will just stick to Target where I can make a hasty retreat to the safety of the shoe department when baby things overwhelm me), I will go buy crib sheets and a few toys (we have nothing in the house). My mom told me this morning, she was prepared to go into her attic and get the baby things she saved from the three of us, including some Dumbo light I apparently loved as a baby – this is so sweet. So, the baby’s room is coming together bit-by-bit. And this is a good thing. As I have so many times in the past, I am picking up the pieces of my heart again. It was my fault for letting it get broken; I should not have fallen in love so quickly with little girls that I might never meet. More than any of the other two placement calls, this one felt so real and so right. The little boy in November – we were not ready, our paperwork was not completed and that kind of made me feel uneasy. The two little foster-care girls from last month – we are just not able to open ourselves up to foster-care right now (as last night proves), plus we would have needed bunk beds and it just would not have worked out logistically. But, this time we were ready (at least mentally, emotionally, and on paper – if not ready with other “things”) and willing. So, maybe the next call will be the ONE. I hope that is soon.   

Unanswered Prayers

     To pick up the story from the previous post (We said YES). I drove an hour (half an hour there, half an hour back) to pick up a crib that did not fit in my car (there is a whole crib saga about how my dad was supposed to pick it up sooo many times and tonight he brought a car smaller than mine, rather than his truck). I have a mattress. In case they call. And my friend gave me some diapers - to tied us over the night. But right now it is after 10 at night. I'm thinking they (whoever they are) are not going to call and they are not going to be dropping the girls off at our house. Hopefully, we will find out tomorrow what has happened or what will happen. I am exhausted; emotionally and physically. Flaco is sure they will call us tomorrow for the girls to come to our place. I guess we will see. For now, I am going to take a much needed shower and try to sleep. I pray that these sweet girls are being cherished and treasured, wherever they are. . . . . .

We said YES

     Life is so funny and God must have a sense of humor. So, I wrote earlier how I feel like each phone call could be THE call in which our child will be placed with us. Well, today my phone was ringing an awful lot (which, where I work, we don't get a lot of calls so 5 in one day is a LOT). The final call of the day came around 3:45. It was Consuelo. She was calling with a placement, but I needed to speak with another social worker named Heather.

     Heather came on the phone and said they had a placement for two little girls ages 1 and 3 and that she had spoken to Flaco, but he said to talk to me (btw, Heather does not speak Spanish, so I'm sure that must have been an awkward call for Flaco and Heather!). She explained that the girls "supposedly" have the same father, but he is MIA in Puerto Rico. Their mother was put in jail today for making terroristic threats and it sounds like this was mom's last chance to get her act together. The girls are Hispanic with no developmental, emotional, or medical problems. The mom thought the younger girl might be developmentally slow, but none of the caseworkers noticed. She would need to be tested. The mom also said the older girl was aggressive with the younger girl, but they were not sure to what extent (maybe just sibling rivilry). They need to place the children TONIGHT. I said yes. I guess I was working on the assumption that Flaco had already said yes . . . . Regardless, I went into panic omg-omg-omg-omg-omg mode. I let Heather know that we did not have car seats. She said they might have one at CHOR we could borrow and perhaps a friend had another one we could borrow. She said she would call me back to let me know when and where we would be picking up the girls. I said I would be at work until 4:30 and gave her my work number. And PANIC!!

     The first thing I did was went and talked to my friend Sara (she works in my office for another agency), who has been a foster parent and recent adoptive parent with CHOR. She has a crib for us that we have been trying to coordinate for my father to pick up for about 2 months now. I let her know we would need it tonight. And of course, I told her what was happening and asked if she had a carseat we could borrow. Then I told my boss that I might not be at work tomorrow. I just kind of blurted out that we are adopting through the foster care system and I might need to stay home and watch two precious little girls tomorrow but I also might not know this until tomorrow. He was ok with it but joked that I test his patience. Eh, whatever. I then eagerly waited by my phone for Heather to call back. 4:30 rolled around and no call.  Now, originally I had a hair cut appointment and had planned to grab a gyro at the only place in the county where they make a decent gyro (it's not terribly close to me or any of my normal haunts, so I don't go there a lot - but it IS close to my hairdresser, so I treat myself after getting all beautiful). I had some other little errands I was going to do as well. But, the second the call came, like any parent, I dropped everything for "our" girls. The second I got in my car after work, I called my hairdresser and rescheduled for next week. Then I called my dad to see if he could go get the crib and bring it to our place. I called and left a message for Heather to let her know I was no longer at work and she should contact me on my cell. I drove home, hardly paying attention to the traffic build-up due to an accident on the other side of the road.

    When I got home, Flaco was in PANIC mode. He was just plain freaking out. Men were not built for this kind of stuff, I swear! He was nervous and having doubts - I had to talk him off the ledge. Flaco does better when he is busy, so we went to a car wash place to vaccuum out the car. Of course, while we were there my phone rang. Now, I had it in my pocket and it vibrates so I could feel it since hearing anything over the vaccuums is impossible. Of course, I missed the call and it was a blocked number. When the voicemail came through it was Heather. Of course. She said she had been trying to get ahold of the county, but had not heard anything. She said they might just bring the girls to our house. I called back, desperate to reach Heather and ask her what the hell that meant, but ended up leaving her a weird semi-frantic message. I said we were newbies. [Rolling eyes at self] Then I began frantically texting Sara while Flaco drove home. Like Speedy Gonzalez and the Tasmanian Devil, we began to wildly clean the house (it wasn't a total disaster, but not as clean as we would have liked) and try to get the room a little more prepared (it's just a hodge-podge of furniture and shoes I didn't put away). And now we wait.

     Usually, I write these posts when I am bored at work. This one is actually LIVE! So, we are waiting to see if the county will just show up like a derranged stork, dropping off these girls I have already gotten used to calling ours. I desperately want them to be with us. As with the other two (failed) placements, I love them already. I am already looking forward to making them pancakes for breakfast (is that too inappropriate?) and spending the day getting to know them. And my sister and her boyfriend are coming up this weekend, so I am excited for them to meet the girls. I have Monday off thanks to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. so I have time to find daycare and get the girls settled. I dont' care if it is two in the morning, I will welcome them with wide open arms. If I am able, I will post later to let my dear readers know what is happening. For now, I need to find something for dinner - I think it might be cereal!

Whisper down the Alley

Yesterday I was reading about FMLA and how it works, when my employer would need to know I would be using it and confirming that I was eligible. I wasn’t sure this was something we would do for two reasons. One, I doubt we could afford me not working and not getting a paycheck for any period of time and two, unless we got a newborn, we would most likely be fine in continuing our daily lives – altered of course. I figured I would save some vacation days and use them for when the “baby” arrives. The information I was reading stated that, other than for extenuating circumstances, I would need to let my employer know I would be taking the FMLA leave at least 30 days prior to when I would start taking it. It was not clear if adoption constituted “extenuating” but I know that I will not be getting a 30 day notice before a child is placed with us. I was thinking about when and how I would let my employer know we were adopting but had not made any kind of decision. 

Well, this morning the Office Administrator cornered me in the bathroom. My friend (I have may have written about her before – her great-granddaughter is in foster care and we talk about our experiences) told the office administrator that me and my husband are waiting for a child. My initial reaction was one of frustration. Not that it’s a big secret, but we are also not shouting from the roof-tops about it either. But, I think this information would have been better coming directly from me rather than my friend who has lunch nearly every day with the administrator. But, since the cat was out of the bag at that point, I confessed that yes we were waiting, that we had been approved last month. We chatted a few more moments about it, but I felt like there was a large white elephant sneaking into the room – the unasked, unanswered question as to why we were adopting but had no other children. Maybe I was just imaging it. I mean, does everyone assume that because a married, childless couple is adopting it is because they cannot have children of their own? I think my view on this is skewed by my own experience. But, the office administrator kept saying how “great” and “exciting” it was and thanked me for divulging the information that, she admitted, wasn’t any of her business to be asking. She then told me a story of someone she knew who adopted a baby “in utero” and how exciting it was for them to be waiting and how they found out the biological mother went into labor when they were all at a picnic together (I’m not sure, but I think she meant a work picnic). Apparently, everyone knows someone who has adopted. Just like everyone knows someone who adopted and then got pregnant. 

If I had a nickel for every person who has told me that once we adopt we will miraculously get pregnant I would start a healthy college fund for our baby. My mother, friends at work, other friends, even our social worker have said that they know of someone who adopted a baby only to get pregnant soon after. Every time it happens I grit my teeth and say, “Well, what’s wrong with that? It sounds like a double blessing to me!” When I told my parents we were adopting my own mother said, “Well, you better buy bunk beds.” Because she assumed we would get pregnant once there was a child living under our roof. Getting pregnant must be like getting a cold – don’t get around a baby or you might catch one! If only it were that simple! Ideally, I would like to have a two year gap between children, but I would NOT be upset to get pregnant after we adopt a baby. However, hearing this over and over again is so incredibly painful. There are many couples who do not get pregnant after adopting. It is giving false hope to a couple who have been let down time and time again by biology. Even worse than that, it makes the adoption seem less-important. Like it is a necessary step to reach the ultimate goal of a biological child. I feel like everyone will be holding their collective breaths waiting for the pregnancy announcement once a child is placed with us. I want our child to know he or she is loved no matter how she came into our lives. I don’t want them to think we adopted them so we could produce a biological child! I want our child to know that adoption means a loving family, not a second-rate family forced together by the cruelty of nature. I want him/her to know, unequivocally that he/she is OUR baby, he/she belongs in our family and was always meant to be here with us. I don’t want him to feel like he was ever unwanted or unloved – because his family was just waiting to find him and bring him home. Only God knows what is in store for us. He is working out wonderful things in our lives and will bless us when the time comes. And He might just choose to use adoption to do that!

Positive Expectations

I feel great! Nothing is happening. Nothing has changed in a visible way. The outside things are very much the same as they were before, but I am feeling better than ever. So what has made the difference? Well, as much as I would like to believe that I woke up on 1/1/12 with this new amazing outlook and positive mindset, in reality it is something I have been working towards and striving to achieve. More importantly, it is something that I have been praying for and God has helped me to get to this point. I have mentioned many times that I listen to Joyce Myer’s preaching every workday morning. I have been doing this for quite some time now. Around August I began taking 15-20 minutes each morning for a brief Bible study and to spend some time deepening my relationship with God. Many times Joyce would talk about having positive expectations and a positive mindset and I would follow up her teaching with reading the same message in the Word. Although I wanted to wake up the next morning with a sunny outlook and infallible positive disposition, it took time for this to seep into my stubborn mind and heart. For about a solid year during our infertility ordeal I spent a lot of energy being very, very angry with God. I mean, I was just down right furious – How could He let this happen to us? Why didn’t He think we deserved to be parents? Why us? Like a petulant child, I cursed and cried, cajoled and pleaded with God to give us a baby. I would not hear that perhaps we had to go through this for a greater reason. That did not make sense to me; I didn’t want it to make sense. And, honestly, it still doesn’t make sense to my mind. But, slowly as I would try (and fail) and try (and fail) and try (and fail) to adapt what I was hearing and reading to my life, I would get a little better each time. My resistance to negativity gets stronger each day. And, hearing Joyce say again and again and again that we are not beholden to our feelings, we can CHOOSE to think and act in a manner completely opposite of how we are feeling, ever so slowly this began to sink in (which just goes to show that what we listen to and read, really does make a difference on how we act and behave). Now, I don’t want to get on a high horse and break my arm patting myself on the back. But, I have attainted a small victory. I have gotten to the point where I am expecting GREAT things. I have a positive expectation that whatever happens, no matter how much I don’t like it and how bad it may make me feel – God has only the very best planned for me. 

So, what does all this ooey-gooey mushy “feeling” and positivity have to do with the price of beans in Bolivia? Or rather, our current state of suspended animation – waiting for the phone to ring and for a baby to plop in our laps? Each and every day could be THE day. Right now, my phone could ring and it could be Consuelo calling with a placement – our baby! I had shut-off this feeling of anticipation, the feeling of eagerly, earnestly waiting for THE day to arrive. Positive expectations – I wake up each morning and I think to myself, “Wow! Today could be the day! Today I could receive a phone call that will change my life! This IS it!” Doesn’t that make you all tingly and excited?! And if today isn’t the day, guess what? TOMORROW could be the day! And if tomorrow isn’t the day, then the day after that or the day after that. . . . . But, today the past and the future do not matter (well, in relation to waiting and in relation to getting a baby). The past pain is the past and not relevant to today’s potential for JOY. Is that hard to swallow some days? You bettcha. But, the other option is for depression and misery. So, the future is not something I can control, so why worry about it today? I can’t anticipate and fix tomorrow’s problems today (no matter how much I would like to try), so just deal with today. The Lord has given me a great peace to approach each day with joy and gladness. And when I think of waiting and waiting and waiting and how we’ve already waited for over 3 years now and how many other couples have had babies in these past three years– I start to freak out. The old feelings start ebbing back in – so I don’t think of it in those terms. And this is really making a difference for me. Truly. I still don’t know why we’ve had to go through all of this *shit*. It still isn’t fair, it still doesn’t make sense, I still don’t see a really good reason for it. But, rather than pick at old scabs and wounds, I let it be. It is what it is. I do what I can to change what I need to change (in me) and the rest is up to God. It has taken me more than three years to get to this point. One might argue, that it has taken me my entire lifetime to reach this point – not just in infertility and adoption, but in my life in general. All I know is that the only place for me to go now is UP! And I expecting something GOOD to happen to me – today, tomorrow, and every day of this year and all the following years I have on this earth. Amen and Amen!!!