Who am I?

Today was the first time I met the relative who wants to take the older child because "she is ours and we want her." I am struggling so much with this and I thought having met her I would feel better about it all, but I do not. This relative has three young children as well as an older child or two. When we first arrived at the rendezvous spot the older foster child clung to my leg and said, "I want to stay with you." There I was sending her off with near strangers again. But, she settled in and I was left with the baby. I had already planned for the kids to be in respite care today so I could have some down time, so I took the baby to the other foster family's home and went about my day. I picked the baby up at the planned hour and we were driving to meet the other child and her relative. Usually the older child chatters the whole time we are driving anywhere, so it was odd to have just the baby babbling to himself. At one point he said his name and I said "That's right! Who are you?" He answered with his name, such a smart little boy! Then I said, "And who am I?" expecting him to say my name. Instead he said, "Momma!" It's times like these that take my breath away and I need to fight back tears and a whole host of emotions that threaten to over-take me. It makes sense - who changes his diaper, kisses his boo-boos, and puts him in time out while he's having a temper tantrum? I do. I fulfill the role of mother to him, so why should I not be "momma?" But, it hurts to hear him say it, when I know I am not his mother and I might never be his mother and that at some point in his life I might have to let him down because he will no longer be with me. It just plain sucks. Most of the rest of our conversation on our short drive was him saying, "No!" emphatically to whatever I was saying. As it turned out the relative got stuck in traffic due to road construction and it is almost 9:30 pm and she is still not home. The relative was mentioning about next weekend how her mother will be visiting from Florida and is so excited to meet the child and how she is going to be sure to have the child in her pj's when she brings her back to me..... I think this is going to be grueling. I want to have a better attitude about it, I need to have a better attitude about it - it's the only thing I can do. I have no control over anything that is happening or might happen. No matter how I see the situation, things will be done regardless of what I think, feel or decide. So, it is best for me to just take it in stride and let it all go. I can do nothing more. After all, who am I in this whole scenario? No one.

Up in the Air

Yesterday was an interesting day. I spoke with both the county case worker and my CHOR case worker regarding the kids living with me and the mess that their case has become. It’s practically certifiable; the county case worker has said this is the most messed up case she has ever seen. She told me court last week was terrible, meaning that it did not go as had been expected. She was perturbed that it seemed so many people involved in this case suggested that the visits be supervised again, which is a step backwards in terms of reunification. She told me “they” (and I don’t know who “they” are in this case) have given the kids mom 2 months to get her act together or they will change the goal for the kids. This means, the children will become legal risk. She also mentioned that the auditors from the state, who spoke with everyone involved in the case, found that if the children were sent home they would be back in the system in a short matter of time. We also spoke about the older child visiting with the relative who has expressed interest in her and this will start on Saturday. The case worker told me that the relative can come to me, I do not have to meet her anywhere because it is in the relative’s interest to make an effort for the child. This is fantastic for me because the trip, even half-way, would be half an hour or more one way – and I would have to drag the baby with me for this rendezvous.

The case worker mentioned a communication error between her and I – on her first visit to my house, she had asked me if I would consider being a long term resource for the children. What I heard was, “would you keep being their foster mother until this whole mess gets sorted out, no matter how long that would take?” But, what she actually meant was, “would you consider adoption for these two kids?” I did explain to the case worker that I want to adopt, this is my goal. So, I guess things have been clarified. She did tell me that bio mom had given more potential names for paternity of the baby, so they might possibly find family for him. Who knows?

Last night my CHOR case worker came over for a home visit and she mentioned some information that I had included in an email to my family worker. I was slightly annoyed that the email had been shared without the courtesy of contacting me - I’ve heard nothing from my family worker about the email. I didn’t say anything bad in the email, I was diplomatic, but it’s just common courtesy to let someone know their correspondence is being shared – at least it is in the “real” world, perhaps not in the foster care world. My CHOR case worker was still taking the “they are going home” stance but she modified that with “anything could happen.” She admitted that living in limbo – as I had described my current circumstances in the email – can be aggravating to say the least. And I told her how hard it was to have an interview on Friday about a whole different case and then hear the news from court Monday. She said, “well those are two different cases.” Yes, I know this. But, in my world they are intertwined because of the potential outcomes. She made no mention if the other county had made a decision about the boys. I did ask her if she knew when the third child would be born and she said that the mom told her she was due in November – she is only roughly 3 months along, but looks like she is 5 months according to the case worker. Bio mom does not have a great track record when it comes to honesty.

So, after these conversations, I called the relative later last night to set up the visit for this Saturday. I had planned for the kids to be with another foster family in respite because I am going to spend the day with a friend (we are watching season three of Downton Abbey) and get some errands done. I explained this to the relative and also that the county case worker mentioned she would be able to travel to me. The relative told me that *when* (although it is sounding more and more like an *if* kind of situation) the older child goes home to her mother and this relative has contact with her, she would like for me to still visit and stay in touch with the child because she felt it was important to not keep having people leave this child’s life. Of course, this would not include the baby, but it is encouraging that I could potentially always stay in touch with the older child and know that she is growing up healthy and happy. I told the relative I would very much like to stay in touch with the older child and that I thought it was very kind of her to think this way about a foster parent staying involved. The CHOR case worker said that during her visit yesterday the older child was saying, “I love momma bio mom’s name and I love momma foster mom's name.” She says, “I love you” a lot to me, which is good. In fact two weeks ago in church she said it and the baby echoed the sentiment – which nearly made me bawl!

So this is where things are at right now. Big heaping piles of nowhere! I guess it’s a good thing to know that I am not the only one confounded by this placement! I'm still not down with the potential situation that they might allow to happen with the relative of the older child - I just can't get behind it! But, at least I might get a chance to get to know the relative who might take the older child and so I might not feel as bad about where she is going, other than "the issue." I don't suppose that makes a lot of sense, but I'm too paranoid to write about any details because of everything that happened with my first foster-to-adopt placement. I don't tend to make the same mistake twice. So, everything is up in the air and in the mighty Hands of God. And it ain't over 'til the Fat Lady sings........ 

First do no Harm

I think being a foster parent as an infertile makes the daunting task of emotionally separating from the situation at hand nearly impossible. Seeing the world through the despair of a person unable to have a baby at the drop of a hat discolors one’s vision. I have come to the conclusion, in my short time being a foster parent, that “the system” is not designed to give three shits about the children. “The system” is designed to be cost-effective (which is an oxymoron if you consider this is a program run by the government) and to follow the law, regardless of the turmoil it inflicts upon the innocent lives caught in its web of despair. I learned my lesson the hard way with my first placement – don’t dare voice a contradictory opinion or suggest that “they” are not making the best decision for the child(ren). I’m still blacklisted from receiving placements from my own county for daring to protest their determination and suggesting their decision was detrimental to the life of that child (the first rule of foster parenting is “the system” does no wrong). There is a potential circumstance that seems to be on the path to occurring for the older child in my care that causes me great despair and extreme distrust in the validity of foster care in general. Ever since the proclamation from court yesterday, I have been thinking that perhaps social workers, judges, case workers, et al should take the same oath that doctor’s take – the Hippocratic oath to “first do no harm.” First do no harm to the children and then proceed with other decisions. But, everything is ass backwards and the first priority is to not impugn the rights of the “parents.” Parents have rights and other relatives have rights (although, I wonder if sperm donors have rights or if this changes depending upon “how” the sperm is donated?); what about the right of the child, their right by the Declaration of Independence, their right to the “pursuit of happiness.” In “the system” children have no rights and certainly, they have no right to a happy childhood nor do they have the right to reach their full potential in the future. Decisions must be made to follow “the law” no matter if this is right or wrong; whether it is detrimental to the child or traumatic to the child, the parental rights (until they are terminated) play the trump card every time. Period. And certainly, the lowly foster parent dare not have a say or permission to voice a dissenting opinion – at least not in any way that matters. A foster parent can talk to their case workers until they are blue in the face and will only be reminded of *the law*. So perhaps the system is broken because the laws are shoddy. Are children property of their parents or “the system” or anyone else? What an archaic supposition! Surely I am not the first person to question the validity of it all? And, of course, this whole diatribe is one-sided and, as I already mentioned, discolored by a world-view in which getting pregnant is the elusive gold at the end of the fabled rainbow. Certainly there are “good” parents mixed up in “the system” in need of a redeeming second chance – I just can’t see them because my view is tainted, my glasses are not rose-colored. Thankfully, it is someone else’s job to advocate for the parents because it is not something I can do anymore than I can turn water into wine or coal into diamonds; my dysfunctional reproductive system precludes me from the ability to sympathize with the plight of someone who can so effortlessly have that which I cannot and yet treats this precious life as worthless trash. I sound bitter, but I am not. No, not bitter, just at a loss – I cannot align my personal moral beliefs with that that is occurring around me. When I heard this piece of news yesterday my stomach churned, bile rose into my throat and I wanted to scream, “NO!” The worst part? I heard this news relayed to me by the relative who saw it as a “win” for her and her family. Their possession – the child – would be theirs to do with what they will. She seemed to think I was on her “team,” cheering on this great triumph. I am not. It is an immense blessing that I did not attend the court proceedings yesterday. Hearing all of this live and in person, I would not have been able to keep my mouth shut and would surely have been held in contempt of court. I’m sure shouting, “Are you f-ing serious?!” at a judge is frowned upon.

So, other than railing against “the system” and the decision that was made, I have also been thinking about where to go from here. I emailed my family worker to express my disgust at the issue that bothers me to the point of revulsion and also to let her know I wanted to be heard regarding my frustrations about this placement. I told her I am not asking for the children to be removed from my home because that would be incredibly selfish of me, but it’s kind of sucky that I asked to be considered as a pre-adoptive home and now I’m stuck with a never-ending case that seems to only have the potential to end in heartache. When I agreed to take on this case I was under the understanding that it was for 6-8 weeks. Period. Now, it is 13 weeks going on 7 months – question mark. I told her I didn’t expect any answers and I don’t, but I just want *someone* to recognize that this whole fiasco is not the goal I had hoped to achieve. I know I agreed to take on this placement as just a foster placement and I understand that “things” happen that are out of everyone’s control, but that doesn’t make it less of a hot mess. And sure, after 4 years, I’ve gotten pretty good at waiting but I’ve also burned through a great deal of my patience – at what point do I say, “Enough is enough!” and wave my white flag to surrender? When do I look at all that has occurred on my path to motherhood and say, “it’s just not going to happen for me.” I think I might almost be there…..

I did not mention the case of the other two boys to my family worker because I still don’t know how I feel about it (although, I’m beginning to feel like it would be much easier than what I am dealing with right now), but I am sure it is something she is considering. What if the other county chooses me for these boys? Are they willing to wait the 3+ months for this placement to play out or will they move on? In all honesty, neither decision is fair – if I am the first choice for the boys and they have reconsider that decision, it isn’t fair. If they proceed with placement and make the boys wait in limbo with the rest of us, it isn’t fair. If they move the boys with me and kick the other two kids onto their 5^th foster home, it isn’t fair. The best possible outcome is that I am not chosen for the boys and their story can have a simple and happy ending, meaning adoption by a different family. Perhaps CHOR will apprise the county of the latest developments with my current placement. If I had known all that I would need to endure to become a mother, I wonder if I still would have gone through with it? That’s not a question I can answer today. Today is just about surviving today. And then there is tomorrow…….

Court Take II

I thought the worst possible outcome from today's court hearing would be that they decided to split the kids up and give the older child to the family member who wants her and set a date to send the baby home. But, what really happened is far worse than that. The outcome from court today is that they will reconsider the children returning home at a court date three months from now. And that the older child’s relative has been approved and, according to my case worker, “if anything happens she will adopt.” I’m not sure if that means both kids or just her biological relative. Nothing like shitting or getting off the pot here. Kind of like Congress and the whole sequestration fiasco, they decided to punt the decision down the line today. I don’t know what to do with this information. And my case worker made a point of asking about the interview from Friday. Why? These kids and I are stuck in limbo until July, at least. So, 6-8 weeks has turned into 7 months. Well, at least I can take the kids swimming – I was really bummed about potentially not being able to do that – and we can work on getting their summer wardrobes because they will need it…….

 

I drove the kids to CHOR this morning to meet the caseworker who would be taking them to court. She was getting the car seats stashed in the van when we arrived and asked for us to wait a few minutes. Because she is so smart, the older child was asking where they were going. She knew this was not the norm for our Monday morning routine. I told her today was a big day because she would be going to court. As we were waiting she asked if I could go with her and I told her I needed to go to work but that she would be with the case worker (whom she knows from seeing several times) and that nothing bad was going to happen (perhaps she was thinking of her last doctor’s visit in which she needed 5 shots!). She begged me to with her – not in the whiney spoiled child way but in a quiet desperation. She got out of her car seat (she has the booster seat kind with the regular seatbelt which she can unlatch) and was leaning over my seat. She put her head on my shoulder and asked quietly for me to go with her, “I want you with me.” As I turned to give her a kiss on the cheek, I saw tears welling up in her eyes. It broke my heart. I don’t know how she sensed that this was a big deal today. I’ve tried to stay light-hearted and up-beat for their sake. But, she is so, so smart and intuitive I’m sure she got an inkling that this is no regular meeting. As I walked her to the van and helped her climb inside, I realized this is one of the reasons kids in foster care have such a hard time trusting people. I knew she was fearful but I pawned her off on someone else and walked away. You can tell a child that going to the doctor and the dentist and getting a shot or scraping your teeth is good for you and it is true, they will understand when they are older. But, forcing them to go through these situations, to endure being a pawn in the nastiest game on earth – that might never make sense to them. Maybe I’m projecting my feelings onto the kids too much. But, unlike the two girls I had in November, fresh into the system, this child never begs for her mommy. She likes going to visits and she asks when she will have another visit, but never cries for mommy. When she comes home from visits she calls me mommy more than she calls me by my name. It has to be so confusing to know who your mommy is but then have to go live with someone else who performs all the mothering duties.

It struck me, as I was walking into work this morning, that this is what is means to be a mother – to see your child in pain and fearful of something and want desperately to take that pain away from them, to take it on yourself just so they don’t have to endure it. Lately I have been worrying a lot about “feeling” like a mother, not just acting like one but feeling like I am one. Most of the time I feel like a fraud; I’m not the “real” mom I’m just the “foster,” temporary, stand-in, fake, hold-over, substitute, stand-in mom. And while I want desperately to protect these children like a momma grizzly, I can’t. I’m not allowed to be the protective momma. I don’t make the decisions for their lives or even my own at this point. I have to sheath my claws and meekly accept whatever decision is doled out. The goal is not to decide what is best for the children, to give them the greatest chance to succeed in life – it is to return them to “family.” They are not mine; I kiss them good-night and wipe their runny noses, I wash their clothes and make their meals, I teach them good manners and words and fun tricks, I ensure they are in a good daycare and they are growing well body mind and soul – but I am not their mother and they are not mine. I do these things “just until” their “real mother” can take over and resume her duties. And then I will be forgotten.

This is not my first heartache when it comes to getting attached to a placement. If nothing else, I want to learn something each time I must go through this process. I thought I would be ok this time because I KNEW coming in that they would be going home. I think, if things had stayed on schedule I would have been just fine. But, what was supposed to be 6-8 weeks has now become 7 months plus the transition time. It’s hard not to get attached in 13 weeks let alone 7 months. It’s hard to keep believing they will be going home when things are not going as planned and no one is reiterating the fact that they are going home on a consistent basis. Regardless, I am left to pick up the pieces and wait for the next go-round. It does feel a little like “this” will never happen on a day like today. Sure, I have the other pending placement decision looming. But, before that can occur I need to deal with the fall-out from this one. I know my parents were on pins and needles all day awaiting the out-come and I hated to be the one to tell them because I know it hurts them almost as much as it hurts me. Gotta put on my big girl panties again and just deal with it. I don’t have any words of wisdom, I don’t have a perfect plan to deal with the emotions – just pick up and march on each and every day; one day, one step, one breath at a time. I don’t want to think about the future because it is a big fat unknown. I’m sure I will eventually get a call and the call will result in a placement and the placement will result in adoption – but can I endure *this* until then? It gets harder and harder to believe that my “perfect” child is out there (not that the child is perfect, but that our match is perfect). So, one door closes. Another door hangs ominously open. The future will play out as it will. All we are is dust in the wind…….

Waiting

I met with the county work about the two boys and my family worker from CHOR was there too. I guess it went well, we basically just chatted and tried to keep the kids distracted. After the county worker had left my family worker reiterated how great these boys are and asked if this is really something I wanted to do, how I was feeling about it - and I could only answer honestly, telling her I don't know. I don't know what to think or how I feel about it because my feelings keep going up and down and up and down all the time. But, it sounds like neither case is in a hurry. The county worker had no idea how long it would take them to move the boys or even make a decision about their potential permanent placement. My family worker said she didn't think the other county is in a hurry to send the two kids I have now back home (but she mentioned that this is surely the course of action). Why am I the only one in a hurry? I guess I should be getting good at waiting, I've been doing it for over four years after all. I guess now I just have to see what happens Monday and then see what the county decides.......

Will I some day look back over these four years and think, "it was all totally worth it in the end?" I'm beginning to feel like I have wanted this for so long and I have built this crazy story in my head about how fantastic it will be the day I go to court to officially adopt MY baby - that there is no way it can ever be as good as I have imagined it to be. I worry that I will have come so good at waiting and longing that I won't know how to enjoy my child when he/she comes because I won't feel like it is real. What if what I have been waiting for isn't as great as I have imagined it will be?

Lost to the Whims

Tomorrow the county worker for the two boys is coming to my house along with my family worker from CHOR. My family worker called to confirm the time this afternoon and I asked her what the game plan would be, if the county chose me, for the two kids I have with me now. She said there isn’t a game plan, but that the kids will be going home, their mom is doing “well” and that most likely they would wait for the boys to finish school and transition them to me slowly. And all of a sudden I feel like vomiting. Did I just imagine hearing something different from the county case worker last week about the two that I have? Did my over-active imagination take over and lead me to believe what I wanted to believe, rather than what is the reality of the situation? Perhaps. I can’t help but feel a little resentful towards the CHOR case worker because I feel like if she hadn’t let me hanging with no information then perhaps this would not have happened. I guess I just need someone to blame. I want this to be over. And a teeny-tiny part of me wants to give up being involved in fostering and adopting all-together. I’m tired of the anguish of it all; my heart is so fragile I don’t think it could take another break. I’m tired of the ups and downs and the coulda beens and the would-have-been-perfect and all that jazz. But, when I think of the county choosing me for the boys, I cannot breathe. My throat goes numb and my tongue refuses to swallow when I think of the enormity of these dual decisions with so many lives in the balance. My world feels out of control, lost to the whims of unknown, no-named people with little at stake in the monumental decision that is to be made. I am fearful for so many reasons. For so long I have wanted to be a mother and now I am afraid of my dreams coming to fruition! Right now, I feel a connection to the kids living with me and none for the two who could become mine. How do I find the strength to say good-bye and simultaneously heal and love again? I wish the events for Friday and Monday were reversed because they feel so out of order right now. If I pinch myself will this all be just a crazy dream? I feel lost and so alone. And I worry that I am beginning to hate this whole adoption process and that I just want out. What other mother had to wait for her children to “transition” to her over the course of several months? (I ask this question and then think – well, mother’s who have premature babies need to wait for them to come home, so you could call that a transition…..) Maybe I should take myself away for awhile (probably not possible with the mounting vet bill from my sick cat…..). I’ve never wanted to travel by myself (I think it’s boring if there is no one to share the experience with), but maybe I should just take a weekend and go somewhere out of town to be alone and just re-group. I hate the term “find myself” because it’s not me who is lost; more or less I mean find my dreams, my hopes for a good and happy future because this is what has been lost to me – taken from me, really. With faith not much larger than a mustard seed, I believe and trust that God has this whole messy ordeal already worked out, that it will all be good in the end. I have been and continue to pray for wisdom. Now, I think I need a miracle.

Clarification

This morning the county worker drove over an hour to get to my house just to have me sign a form needed for their files. I'm very glad that she did because I found it to be a very enlightening meeting. She gave me more details about what is going on with this case and what outcomes might occur. From the sound of things, it seems like the judge has a lot to decide on April 15th, basically if the kids will be going home or what other options might be explored - it seems like a lot for one person to decide! I'm glad I'm not the one making these life-altering decisions, that's for sure! But, in addition to getting information, I also got confirmation from the county worker - my CHOR case worker is not relaying information to me regarding the case. Because I'm paranoid, my first impulse is to believe it is due to the first placement saga. I doubt that is the case. I think it is more or less that the case worker just doesn't take the time to let me know the things the county worker tells her. The county worker was astounded that I did not know until after the fact that the kids were not going to court. My case worker knew well in advance and she just assumed this information was disseminated to me. Um, no. The county worker promised to keep me in the loop and copy me on the emails that would be relevant to me. It's nice to know that I'm not imaging this as being a case of poor communication. The county worker also wants me to be a foster parent for her agency. So, I told her about "the issue" from the first placement. When I told her that the county would not let me keep the baby because Flaco decided to leave, she said that that would never happen with her county. It was nice to be made to feel like I'm not public enemy number one, rather I made a mistake, I'm human - and their decision may not have been a sound one. It's nice to be wanted.

I know I was flippant in the previous post about this latest development. I was so shocked when I found out, I honestly needed to sit down. I mean, doesn't it just make sense that when you have two kids in foster care you go ahead and have a third? I guess sometimes I still react as an infertile, raging at the injustice of it all. But, it is not a joking matter. We are talking about the future of two little children who have already been through enough in their short lives; this decision could be a game-changer for them. And despite the elation I know I would feel should I be given the option to adopt them, knowing I am taking a mother's children (albeit an irresponsible mother) is harder having met the mother. Regardless, I am anxiously awaiting April 15th to finally see what the next step will be in this journey.  

Plot Twist

So, the county worker for the two kids I have living with me called tonight. Mainly, she called because her office is getting audited by the state and there is some paperwork she needs me to sign. But, she also let me in on what is going on. The kids' mom is pregnant again. Holy plot twist Batman! Mom is trying to hide it and deny it, but it's undeniably obvious according to the case worker. Issues persist regarding bio-mom and the relative that wants to take the older child might be denied because the county wants to keep the kids together. All of this is to be decided in court on the 15th. At least this is my understanding of the course of events. I don't know what this means, in terms of a potential permanent solution (i.e. adoption). Given the choice, I would say "yes" in a heartbeat. I suppose this could get complicated with the other potential placement. Take a seat and watch how this thing plays out.......

Conflicted. Confused.

I was finally able to speak with the county case worker regarding the boys and we set up a time for her to come visit next Friday. The CHOR case worker for the two kids I have (who also happens to be the case worker for the two boys) came over on Monday and asked what I thought of the boys. I said they were cute and she mentioned that they had a lot of energy. I told her for boys their ages I would hope they had a lot of energy because it means they are healthy. They didn’t appear to be hyper-active and were able to calm down at the instruction of their foster mother. I didn’t ask any questions about my two kids’ up-coming court date, I didn’t ask what would happen to this placement if the county chose me for the boys (would they move these two kids again, just to put the boys in my home or would they wait until these two go home?). I just supplied up-dates on medical and dental appointments, recent behavioral issues, and handed in clothing receipts. “Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do or die.” The case worker thinks we have “good communication” but I feel otherwise. I know nothing, absolutely nothing. I know nothing about how this current placement is progressing or not progressing; are they still going home, if so how soon? Is the older child going to live with a relative, has paternity been determined for the baby and would he be going to relatives? Are the over-night visits going to resume? Will all of this be decided at the court date or will things just get pushed forward to another future date? What if these kids don’t go home – is this a possibility? As for the boys, I know equally little information, other than their ages and how long they have been in care, I know next to nothing. What mother knows next to nothing about her children? I do the only thing I can do; I just take a few deep breaths and march onward.

Last week I found two beautiful children on the S.W.A.N. website and emailed my family worker about them. It was a little girl age 2 ½ and a little boy 1 year old. I fell in love with their picture. It is so rare to find healthy young children on this website, I felt compelled to notify my family worker that I was interested. Their information was almost immediately removed, signaling a potential home had been found for them, before my family worker even called me back. When she did call me back she didn’t know if I wanted to wait to see what would be the outcome of the two boys before she called. I told her I was “confused” and “conflicted” about the potential pre-adoptive placement for the boys. She proceeded to tell me about another placement for a boy and a girl (ages 5 and 3) that would be “just perfect” for me, but because the boy is 5 they cannot be in the same bedroom. Unless I am willing to move into the unfinished basement, that simply would not work in my house. My family worker suggested I move back home with my parents (this was not a random suggestion – back when things fell apart last year and Flaco left, I assumed I would not be able to hack it on my own financially and would move back home with my parents and their house has 4 bedrooms versus my 2 – but, I have been able to make it on my own and selling the house is impossible due to the mortgage being so much greater than the market value of the house). Despite the file being removed from the website, my family worker vowed to get in touch with the county listed in the file. This was Thursday afternoon and I have not heard anything, so I’m working on my assumption being correct – a home has been found.

What I told my family worker last week is still true today; I am still feeling a little confused and conflicted about this potential placement. I don’t understand why I feel like it might be some kind of test from God or perhaps a blessing I cannot recognize right now. Part of me thinks of the positive things that would be a result of this placement – all of the fun activities we could do together, like going places like The Franklin Institute, the Crayola Factory, The Strasburg Railroad or visiting my sister in DC – things I would not necessarily be doing with an infant. We would have a lot of fun on the farm, riding the tractors, baling hay, slopping around in the crick, swimming in the pool – again, activities not as easily done with a baby in tow. I can take them berry picking (strawberry, raspberry, and blueberry) alone and we can join the local pool for afternoon/weekend swims. They can play in the backyard with moderate supervision and learn to ride bikes in front of the house. They can help me weed the flower gardens, water the plants, and keep up with the housework – all things an infant cannot do. We can visit my friend and her little boy in New York and maybe even traipse around the city or go to the zoo with my parents. We could go to the local baseball games (which I truly love doing) and maybe even enroll them in t-ball (I’m not sure of the ages, but I think the older one would be old enough at least). Could I be the mother to two boys? Would all these fun things make up for not being there when they were infants, for missing all the firsts and for not getting the opportunity to ensure their most formidable developmental years were positive and healthy? And of course, my mind is jumping to the future thinking – if I do adopt these boys then maybe in a few years I can move to a bigger place and adopt an infant girl. Confused. Conflicted. Deep breath. Onward...........