Never Enough

Picking up where I left off yesterday in regards to this hectic past weekend….

 

I waited in the car for over 10 minutes for Primero to appear. I had text him and was about to call him when my phone died. It had been a long day and my battery was just as done as I was. Eventually, Primero came marching out of the apartment building. I thought he would be angry but he seemed more resigned. He got in the car and immediately began chatting. He relayed to me some of the drama he experienced with his family, specifically with his mother. He was angry because he believed she relapsed. He was angry because he believed she chose her boyfriend over her kids yet again. He was angry that it seemed like his mom was trying to pit him against his sister by spreading lies and made up rumors. It honestly didn’t sound like he had the best time while I was gone. I felt bad for all that had happened. I was sad to hear of the poor choices Esperanza had been making. I was irritated to hear Primero tell me how his cousin, who just came to town and has never met me, judged me for how I choose to parent him. According to Primero, she thinks I treat him like he’s 7. Most of our conversation was in the car sitting in front of the house. Primero just had so much to say he didn’t even want to stop talking long enough to go inside. When we finally went inside he asked to hear about my time and the wedding. I asked him to take my hair down because I didn’t think I would be able to find all the bobby pins jammed into my head.

 

We finally parted ways and went to bed. I had a photo shoot with my photographer friend the next day before picking up the kids. I had hoped to sleep in but my body wouldn’t let me rest much after 7:30. I took a shower and prepared my hair. I’ll write more about the photo shoot another time. Primero was uncharacteristically quiet during the photo shoot and spent most of the time sitting by the crick alone. I guessed he was still processing all that had happened the previous days. I let him drive to pick up the little ones and then home. Love Bug was totally stuck to my side, fearing I would leave him again. After doing some chores at home we decided to get dinner and then grab some groceries.

 

During the drive Primero stated he wanted to talk about the whole driving issue and why it was a problem. I indicated I wanted to have a face-to-face conversation with his aunt and uncle about things and he wanted to know what the big deal was about it. The conversation was long and lasted throughout our dinner. I tried to explain how wrong it was for his aunt and uncle to allow him to drive without saying a word to me. And I tried to explain that they didn’t have to agree with my parenting decisions but they do have to respect them. For whatever reason, Primero kept dragging his mom into the conversation, when in my mind it had nothing to do with her at all. At one point, Primero asked what would happen if next year he decided he would want to live with his aunt and uncle. I had such a visceral reaction to his question. I felt my body go numb and my stomach cramped. I thought I was going to burst into tears or start vomiting, but fortunately I did neither. I quietly said, “I sometimes fear when you go to stay with your aunt and uncle that you won’t ever come back.” He retorted, “Well I fear you’ll call the cops if I don’t come home!” He was referring to the night he ran away and I DID call the cops because I had no idea where he was and he didn’t come home when I told him he needed to be home. I would do it again in a heartbeat! He said a lot of other things that were hurtful. When he claimed he would never make bad decisions like his siblings, I chimed in, “Yeah, because I’ve kept you on the straight and narrow.” “Don’t take credit for the person I am! You have no right!” he spat back at me, shoving my broken heart further down in my chest. I felt very much like giving up.

 

This pain had been churning inside of me since Sunday afternoon. At times I was better at pushing it aside and then sometimes it consumed me. Monday morning I was doing good, getting the little ones ready for the picnic at the farm. I didn’t wake Primero up, I figured I’d let him be and stop trying to force him to be a part of this family, since he so clearly wants nothing to do with us. But, my feelings overwhelmed me and I sent Chica Marie to her room for some minor infraction and took to my bed, sobbing. I’m not enough and I will never be enough for Primero. I try so hard to give him a good life, to make sure I’m doing everything right, to treat him like my son, to love him with all I have. And it’s not enough. It will never be enough. I cried big ugly tears until my head hurt. Then, I cleaned myself up and finished preparing for our departure. Primero woke up and sensed that we were getting ready to leave, so he got himself ready as well. He was chipper as I felt hallow and totally empty.

 

As I drove to the farm Primero began telling me about a dream he had. In his dream he was with me and his mom at some big empty club. We were supposed to be there for a party or something but no one else had showed up but the three of us. For some reason, Primero and his mom began fighting. In his dream he was telling her all of the stuff he wanted to say to her in real life. But, as he was yelling at her he realized he was really yelling at me and not his mom. How Freudian! I had been quiet as he relayed his story, but when he said that I commented, “That’s very like real life.” He asked me to elaborate and so I explained to him that often times he takes things out on me that he’s really mad at his mom about. I said he knew I was safe and so as the mother figure in his life, he could react to me how he truly wanted to react to his mother. He contemplated this for a bit before we began a lengthy discussion about addiction and recovery. I may have hated my 3 ½ years working in a rehab, but it has certainly come in handy in helping him to understand.

 

I want to do right by Primero, I don’t want him to struggle with being adopted. I feel like I’m very lenient in allowing him a lot of time with various members of his family and I try to be totally inclusive. Even when I worry about the impact of him spending time with family members who are not making the best choices, I err on the side of keeping the relationship alive versus trying to keep him away. I feel like my efforts are in vain, that I cannot expect him to ever consider me or the little ones his family or treat us with the same care and respect that he reserves for the other members of his family. I have told him numerous times that I am not trying to detract from his family, but add to it. I tell him I am trying to forge together three families and from what I can tell right now, I am failing miserably. I’m feeling very much like giving up and letting go. I’m tired, oh so tired. And I have two other children to worry about. Maybe it’s time I just let him go….