A Merry little Christmas

Christmas is finally over. I feel like I can breathe again, the pressure is off of me. Who knew playing Santa was so stressful? I’m not sure why, but I was fairly apathetic about the holidays this year. I was mostly going through the motions, not in a sad way, just in a sort of numb way. I procrastinated on getting gifts and ended up at the mall on Saturday to finish. I also intended to get pictures of the little ones with Santa but the line was too long and Love Bug was too grumpy from not getting his nap at the appropriate time. I felt bad about that, Chica Marie was looking forward to seeing Santa. Perfect Pinterest mom I am not. I mean, they did see Santa at the CHOR Christmas party and there are pictures from that! Sigh.

 

Christmas Eve we went to Primero’s uncles place. I was feeling nervous and reserved about going, based on the catastrophe that happened over Thanksgiving, but we ended up having a nice night. Apparently having his aunt back home (from her trip to help her daughter with the new baby) made all the difference. Everyone was in good moods and having fun chatting, teasing, playing with the kids and exchanging gifts. I spent a lot of time talking to Hermano’s girlfriend (I’m not actually sure that they are together) and snuggling with the baby. She told me something Primero had mentioned a few months ago but I didn’t believe because it was on the heels of him telling me the baby was autistic (not possible to diagnosis in an infant!). The baby has Down’s Syndrome. Somehow it wasn’t caught during the plethora of ultrasounds and testing. When Primero told me about the diagnosis I didn’t believe him simply because I erroneously believed this would be known based on the prenatal tests and ultrasounds done throughout the pregnancy. But, even this day and age science and medicine can be wrong, something can be missed. I listened to the girlfriend talk about taking on two jobs and scrimping and saving to get her little guy something for Christmas. Hermano is currently not working and it didn’t sound like he was putting a lot of effort into finding a new job. Having a baby with special needs is not going to make things any easier on them. Thankfully there are many free early intervention services they can use to help their little guy develop and meet important milestones. I know they’ve been helpful for Love Bug and he is improving slowly but surely.

 

Around 10 pm I asked Primero if he was ready to leave. He ignored me. His uncle ordered pizza. Once we all had a slice or two, I begged Primero to leave. It was late (after 11) and I was exhausted and still had gifts to wrap to prepare for the next day. Primero took a shower when we got home, leaving me to finish wrapping all by myself. I straightened up a bit before tucking the gifts under the tree and feel into bed close to 1 am. I asked Primero to be upstairs by 9 am the next day so we could open presents at our place and then head to the farm for brunch.

 

Christmas morning I woke up before Love Bug. Chica Marie was awake and chomping at the bit to start opening gifts. I held her off by doing her hair until Love Bug woke up. Then I slowly let them open gifts. At 9:15 I called Primero to wake him up. He was grumpy and sullen. He remained this way until well after we returned home from the farm. He wanted to go to his other uncle’s house and was angry that I didn’t let him leave on Christmas. He went there last night to spend the night. I know he said he wasn’t into the holidays this year, although he didn’t say why, and I’m sure this was reason for his moodiness, but it made me feel really crappy. He hardly talked to anyone at my parents place, choosing to sit on his phone playing the quintessential role of brooding teenager. It upset me that he acted that way when I made an effort, no matter how I felt about things with his uncle, to be cheery and have a good time visiting with his family. I haven’t yet had a chance to talk to him about what was bothering him. I know in the past he has been upset when seeing his family getting along so well because it reminds him of the times they were more cohesive and he wasn’t separated from them by adoption. I guess I can understand that to a certain extent but I also can’t because he has access to his family on a very consistent basis yet it never seems like enough to him; his need to be with his family is never satiated, it only seems to grow with every interaction. I try to think what it must be like as a teenager, but I can’t seem to grasp that feeling.

 

I think part of my feelings of apathy for Christmas and the holiday season this year stems from fighting with Primero to get him involved in our holiday traditions I’m trying to create for our family. He refuses to participate in most things and while I get that it isn’t cool for a teenager to do certain things, other things I feel are important. He wouldn’t help make cookies, he sat on his phone. He barely helped decorate the tree and grumbled about it the whole time. He didn’t want to go along to pick out the tree but I had already bought the train tickets (we took a train ride to pick out our tree, something different than we’ve ever done before!). He was irritated the whole time. He refused to attend church, which is common. Instead of going with us to see Christmas lights, he sat in the car and called me periodically to see if we were done yet. He didn’t want to open gifts or let me take pictures of him opening gifts. He almost refused to take our traditional family picture in front of the Christmas tree, but I got him to comply. The constant fighting makes me want to give up, shout “bahumbug!” and be done with it all. But, it especially hurts when he so readily complies with the traditions his family follows. It’s such a slap in the face.  

 

Despite Primero’s glum, Scrooge attitude, we managed to have a nice Christmas. I’m glad it’s over. We were invited to his uncles (again!) for New Years. I’m glad we had a nice time on Christmas Eve but I don’t know if I really want to go over again for New Years. I’d like it to be a more quiet night. Primero simply won’t skip it, so we will have to decide what’s happening. In the past we have stayed home, played games, pigged out and drank sparkling cider until the ball dropped then we would watch fireworks at the Pagoda out the back window. Maybe I’ll be doing that alone this year.