Reaching Critical Mass

We have reached critical mass. Things with Chica Marie have spiraled out of control and it has been awful. I feel sick and drained and angry. I feel like a huge failure. I feel broken and useless. I am tired deep into my bones. All the small self-care things I do are no longer helping me, they just make me long for the peace and tranquility that isn’t possible with Chica Marie. I dread picking her up at daycare and having to hear what she has done today. I don’t like spending time with her because it almost always devolves into a fight. My reserves are beyond empty, I have nothing left to give. Her current mobile therapist has found a new TSS worker and it will mean changing agencies but I just don’t have the energy to fathom there’s any hope. I don’t have the emotional fortitude to go through this again. My world view is skewed to doom and gloom at the moment. My case worker is not understanding how beyond discouraged I am right now. She still has hope that the new therapist and new TSS worker will perform some miracle and things will be all honky-dory again. Even at best our relationship was tenuous. My patience is nearly gone. And, I am so focused on this one child and so emotionally spent with her that I have little to give the boys. I crave time alone with the boys so I can enjoy them without Chica Marie distracting me and derailing the good moments. If the two little ones were not tied together (keeping siblings together) I would probably be writing up my 30 days’ notice because I feel I have nothing left to give this little girl. Let’s pray it doesn’t come to that….