It’s not often I let myself take a trip down memory lane,
but every now and again I look back from where I was to where I am now. This time
of year it seems I slip into that contemplative mode, probably because it is
the anniversary of an ending and new beginning. I still feel the sting of
things, but the searing pain has been dulled by the passing of time; five years
to be exact. When I allow myself to look back and ponder the “what if”
scenarios, trip down the paths not followed, I always seem to end up at the
same conclusion – if things had not gone how they did I would not have the
children and family I have now. I cannot have both, it is not a possible
outcome. Had Flaco not left me and we were still together we might have adopted
a child, but it would not be my son Primero and would most likely not be my
babies Love Bug and Chica Marie. Flaco was opposed to transracial adoption and
I certainly couldn’t see him accepting a teenage boy as his son. I think the
only unexplored option that I still sometimes wish I could have taken was for
more extensive infertility treatments. We really couldn’t afford anything
beyond testing and a few rounds of Clomid. Could I have gotten pregnant with an
IUI or IVF? I don’t think I will ever know that answer. And, even this path
ends with the realization that I wouldn’t be where I am right now and I would
most likely be married to a man I had grown to despise as a philandering, narcissistic,
Neanderthal who viewed child-rearing as a woman’s job. Flaco and his new mate
had a baby last month. I know this because I’m a glutton for punishment and I went
searching for trouble on Facebook.
But, as we all know, Facebook images are not the whole picture and a small
snapshot view into someone’s life is not nearly the whole truth. Anyone can
pretend to be happy on Facebook.
A friend and I were discussing our current love-less love
lives and I made some comment regarding sadness over never knowing what it
would feel like to be pregnant. She assured me I still had time, I wasn’t yet
past the point of fertility at 35 as she reminded me her first pregnancy (and
subsequent miscarriage) were at age 36. While I do mourn not knowing, and most
likely never knowing, the feeling of growing a baby inside me, I honestly can say
even if I met Mr. Right tomorrow I wouldn’t return to infertility treatments.
If, by some miracle, I got pregnant I would be ecstatic, but I wouldn’t pump my
body full of hormones and pursue expensive treatments until our wallets or my
body gave out. I love my non-biological children and I feel I would be doing them a
disservice if I so heartily pursued infertility treatments. Not only would I be
a hormonal mess, but I would also not be present for them and that’s just not
ok. My children are so wanted just the way they are, I would never want them to
think otherwise or feel that somehow a biological child is more important to
me. So, while I agree with my friend, I am not technically beyond the realm
when it comes to biological procreation, I am certainly beyond infertility
treatments. Could a doctor swirl together my eggs and his sperm and make me
pregnant? I won’t ever know the answer to that question and I’ve become rather
ok with that.
Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.
I've been reading for quite awhile now and am shocked to learn how young you are! Based on things you've said, I thought you must be at least ten years older.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your friend; you still have lots of time! And you don't "have" to have a man (you've already proven you can single parent well!). If you DID decide to pursue additional treatments, using a sperm donor could be an option.
And I think everyone who has subsequent children worries about how it will affect their older child(ren). But it's not like your heart has a limited amount of love to give... -Polly
Haha! Thanks. Yes, 35 is still young and I'm not trying to paint myself as "over-the-hill." Still, reproductively speaking I'm inching towards the downside of things. Much as it was a hindrance before, finances make pursuing pregnancy via sperm donor not a viable option. Maybe, if I didn't have my three kids, I could scrimp and save and give it a try, but I really just don't want to get back into that terrible place I was emotionally. It's better for me to write it off as a no-go than contemplate the possibility...
DeleteThose what ifs can drive you crazy, but it sounds like the reality in front of you is where your heart is full.
ReplyDeleteWhat if's have such a power to hold us back from the beauty of what is. I don't dwell on it, honestly, but sometimes it's a thought that floats through my mind...
DeleteOne of my favourite quotes is that "sometimes the answer is that there is no answer." Your last paragraph kind of says that too. And I love that you feel okay with it. For me, admitting we're okay with not knowing is liberating.
ReplyDelete