Facebook Stalking

A few weeks ago I had written about discovering old messages on Facebook messenger. See here. Stupidly, I decided to Facebook stalk my ex to see how things were going with him and his new "wife" (I'm not sure if they actually got married or if they just call one another husband and wife - it's common to do that in Nicaragua. They even have a word meaning more than boyfriend but not really husband). I knew I wouldn't find anything I would really like to see. My past searches revealed their relationship, their trips to Nicaragua, the cars they've bought and various other odds and ends they made public on Facebook. What I saw certainly caused me pause. From a post on August 13th, my ex posted, "Bendicciones de Dios porque ya viene junior en camino" - "Blessings from God because junior is on the way." October 16th was their baby shower for their impending son. Too late, I clicked off his page and tried to distract myself with something else. My heart was pounding and my stomach felt queasy. I'm a fool for letting my morbid curiosity take ahold of me, for snooping into something I really didn't even want to know. Eight years after we began trying to start a family, he is going to be a father.

I should be happy for him, right? I shouldn't begrudge him the very thing I had so desired. I wish I were that gracious, but I am not. I had secretly hoped he would be as infertile as me, never being able to father a child. I felt righteous in my wish to curse him, given how awful he was to me. He had actually told me we might have stayed together if I had been able to give him a child. At the time that off-hand comment gutted me, made me loathe myself and my defective reproductive system. Now, I realize not getting pregnant with his child was probably a blessing in disguise. He might have stuck around, but I have no illusions that he would have stayed loyal. While at one time I believe he would have been a good father, I learned in the short time we parented together, he didn't see child rearing as his responsibility. Sure, he liked kids, but he shirked responsibility and felt it was a woman's duty to change diapers, feed children and keep up with household chores. I certainly won't forget the night I begged him to stay home, to not leave me alone with a young child who had been in our house a matter of days. He callously ignored my pleas and selfishly went out drinking with his friends. Maybe he had matured in the 5 years since then. Or maybe she thinks the same about the division of labor between a husband and wife. Regardless, they will soon be parents and I need to keep myself from Facebook stalking them in the future.

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