The Golden Rule

In my attempts at being helpful and kind, I sometimes turn into a doormat. I have three very clear examples where my good will and generous acts turned right around to bite me in the arse. Yet, I foolishly keep putting myself out there to help people because I try to live by the golden rule – “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Except, this only works when the others are also living by that rule and I find that not everyone follows this creed. In fact, some people are much more “do to others before they can do to you;” a sadly adversarial approach to life. Listen, I am not a perfect person. I know my flaws all too well, trust me on this. I am just trying to better the icky parts of me just like everyone else in the world. Sometimes I get it right, but often times I am wrong. I could feel stupid and foolish for the things I’ve done to help someone that have caused me harm. I could sheepishly quote, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me,” but then I’m dipping into the angry kool aide that I try to avoid. The world has enough angry. The world has enough get mine and who cares about you. Call me a fool, if you will. But, I can look myself in the mirror and be ok with me, warts and all simply because I’ve tried; I have tried to make my own little corner of the world a better place. And I’ve reaped my rewards in the form of pain and financial peril. It gets hard to not get jaded after being burned so many times. Certainly, I am tempted to be a lot less helpful and more careful deciding who I choose to help.

 

Example one: After my ex left me we kept in touch and sadly kept fooling around because I was sad and lonely and pretty pathetic, actually. I don’t know if I was trying to convince myself he would change his mind, but we kept at it for some time. The December after he left (so, almost a year because he left on Valentine’s Day), he came to me and asked to borrow my car. I had made the last payment in September and he so graciously let me keep “our” car (note, the sarcasm), but he requested it to take a friend to work. I’m sure I guessed it was a lie, but gave him the keys none-the-less. I was living alone at the time, a pending foster care placement was in the works but still in their previous foster home this fateful night. I furiously tried calling my ex before I went to bed that night, angry that he hadn’t returned my car by the required time. Somehow I fell asleep only to be awoken by his call. He wasn’t forthright in telling me what happened but as I pressed for answers the true story slowly emerged. It was only when I saw my car that I realized what had happened. Instead of taking my car to drop a friend off at work (or, perhaps in addition to), he went drinking with the neighbor’s wife. The night was cold and a misty rain was falling. He let her drive my car and she was going too fast. She took a curve too fast, slid, lost control and smashed my car into a guard rail. Then, because they left the damaged car sitting, it was impounded an hour away from where we lived. My car was totaled. And not my ex nor the woman driving my car gave me a penny towards replacing my car. Sure, the insurance gave me money because I still had full coverage on it, but a good used car was hard to find for the amount of money they gave me. I got a lemon and then replaced it with another lemon because I have bad car luck.

 

Example two: I had been helping Primero’s sister her senior year of school. Because of a fight they had, things between her and I got strained and then very bad. And from that point on I was subject to cruel text messages, accusations, and her (nearly successfully) trying to drive a wedge between me and Primero. This whole time and even up to the present moment, I pay for her cell phone which had been a Christmas present. Even after all the vitriol, I helped Esperanza by allowing her to do laundry at my place and driving her to and from work fairly regularly. I don’t regret my decision to help her, I just wish all the nastiness hadn’t made things feel so sour. Our relationship has improved but lacks the warmth it had previously. I suppose I’m foolish but I’m not stupid.

 

Example three: The beginning of this year Primero and Esperanza’s friend from the CFA approached me for help. Her parents and younger sister had just moved to Florida. She was working 3-4 jobs and really needed reliable transportation. Would I co-sign a car loan for her? And, if you just groaned then you know where this story is headed. Now, 10 months later, the lender is calling me because the payment has not been made this month. I text the girl and she responded with, “ok thanks” yet the calls keep coming. Technically, I am on the hook for this money but I don’t have it for one and I really don’t want to pay for a car that I’m not driving (or even know the whereabouts). When I last spoke with the lender I suggested they re-po the car because I don’t have the means to pay the loan. This friend had a falling out with Primero and Esperanza so maybe she feels she is getting back at them, I really don’t know. Certainly, no good deed goes unpunished. I tried reaching out to her father via a friend of mine, but he also didn’t respond to me. Her mom used to be my friend on Facebook but she unfriended me and blocked me when things got ugly between her daughter and Esperanza (I feel I should note that I had nothing to do with the whole debacle so I’m not really sure why this happened and really, it’s only my guess). At this point, I can only hope she reaps what she sows.     

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