Lack of Support

I used to think I had an amazing support network, a whole host of people I could turn to when I needed help. Lately, I feel like I have no one. I don’t know if what I felt like was support in the past was just ethereal imagined support or if my legitimate support network has somehow dissipated. I certainly felt like I had support when my ex left. Now, if some calamity befell us, I’m not sure who I could turn to for help. I have three young women I rely on to baby-sit the kids when there is something I am doing and Primero is either not available, going along with me, or it’s too long a time for him to be alone with the kids (he reaches a limit after a while). Two of the three drive, one shares a car with her boyfriend (Primero’s oldest brother) and the other works third shift (my cousin). If something were to happen where I became incapacitated, I honestly don’t know what would happen. Primero could not be expected to shoulder the load and it would be very difficult to cobble together assistance from the three most reliable sitters I have. I used to think this is the part where family would step in to help out, but I no longer believe that would happen.

 

I haven’t actually spoken to my mother after our text fight two weeks ago. She text me happy birthday on Saturday but declined my invitation to join us for dinner, stating they had other plans. I doubt she accepted my apology and she certainly won’t try to see things from my side. The loss of my parents support is the most disheartening. Knowing I could not turn to them if things got really bad for us is a very hard pill to swallow. I erroneously assumed my parents wanted to be the kind of grandparents I had in my dad’s parents, my Nana and Pop Pop. Granted, my grandparents lived very close to my parents (they still do), just down the hill on the same farm, so certainly that made things easier. As children my mom would send us out to play and we would inevitably end up at Nana’s house to use her bathroom, grab a snack, settle a fight, or just relax. My grandmother loved having us over, baking for us, playing card games with us, taking us for nature walks around the farm. My grandfather would take us with him on the tractor out in the fields. Almost every Friday night we went with my grandparents to get dinner and groceries – the same thing my parents would do, but it was somehow better with Nana and Pop Pop. We would sleep over at Nana’s place from time-to-time and when my parents brought me home from my tonsillectomy, we had breakfast at Nana’s. Monday nights were hectic so my grandmother would make dinner for all of us, giving my mom a breather. My grandparents were also tapped to provide transportation when they had three kids going in three different directions at the same time. Needless to say, we spent a lot of time with my grandparents and I have a lot of cherished memories with them.

 

Somehow, I got it into my mind that my parents would want to be the same kind of involved grandparents and for a little while it seemed to go that way. When we were initially going through the classes with CYS, my mother was indignant that she would not be permitted to baby-sit her grandchild without getting clearances. I know my mom was hurt when the little guy left three years ago. She had gotten attached to him and mourned the separation when he and his older sister went back to their mom. I know she was sick when Love Bug and Chica Marie were placed with me and that inhibited the bonding process (I have no memory of my mom holding Love Bug when he was tiny). I know both my parents have expressed how hard it has been to connect with Primero. I sometimes wonder how it all might have been if I were able to have a biological child. I wonder if my parents support would have diminished as much for a child they perceived more as theirs? I don’t know. I probably won’t ever know. I do know my mom has made mention on more than one occasion that the things she held onto for grandchildren are no longer needed since she won’t be having grandchildren. She has denied an attachment to all three of the children I consider mine and no amount of incredulous mouth-gaping sideways glances have dissuaded her from this idea. Given that the children aren’t viewed as “hers” I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised when support is lacking. I don’t know what caused this dissonance, why my mom seems unaccepting of the children who will be (most likely) her only grandchildren. I don’t understand what the issue it and can only speculate it has something to do with unresolved issues regarding infertility, maybe hers, definitely mine. For a long time I was waiting, holding my breath in anticipation, for my mom to fall as madly in love with my kiddos as I am. It hasn’t happened and I fear it might never happen. I feel like I am standing at a fork in the road; on one path I continue on, fighting and pushing my mom to accept my children as her grandchildren, on the other path I walk away and distance myself from my parents to preserve my relationship with my children. What a heartbreaking decision to have to make.