The Impossible Dream

I’m in such a funk lately. Well, since the guy I’m seeing, the one where we are having a lot of fun together and where there is potential I had given up on, since he told me of his impending vasectomy surgery. There is a lot for me to unpack with this, some stuff that surprises me even. My initial reaction was sadness and near uncontrollable tears. How silly is that? It’s not like I expected we would be able to have a baby together; it isn’t even something on my radar since we just started this whatever it is (dating?). And, even if I did think at some point later in the future, we would have a child together is it nearly impossible, especially not as a happy accident. I’m infertile. Changing partners doesn’t change that. So, I hid in the bathroom and cried my tears most of the evening after he told me. He guessed something was wrong, even through text messaging, and so slowly we began talking about it. As we talked it became apparent his mind was made up, his decision was final and he put it on me to conform or move along. It made me mad, this unfair ultimatum. Even my question about a fictitious future sibling of Chica Marie and Love Bug’s entering care was countered by a “consideration” and not an affirmative. Done is done in his book. I asked for time to really think this through because I don’t want to make a decision based on a knee-jerk reaction.

 

My co-worker friend thinks I’ll regret giving up on a good thing for a dream. In her own experience she was with a man who didn’t want children and she did so she left him only to find herself single and childless a few months shy of her 40^th birthday. I get it. It does seem petty almost to throw away a relationship that has potential. It's not like good guys are a dime a dozen, or like I have multiple suitors breaking down my door. But, if we don’t want the same things in our lives how will the relationship be successful? What if I grow to loathe him for dealing the final death blow on biological children? Why can his decision be firm and mine must be flexible?

 

My sister thinks I should just keep having fun with him and to hell with all the other stuff. I think that would only make it harder when I really get the baby fever and he thinks it’s a done deal, do not pass go do not collect $200. Basically, the decision boils down to – do I want to be with someone but potentially unfulfilled in feeling like my family is incomplete and definitively put to rest the magical miracle pregnancy or do I want to be alone and free to adopt or foster again in the future? I am stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place because in whatever option I choose I lose something. Maybe it isn’t possible to achieve 100% happiness, maybe a basic 80% is all I can realistically get? And hey, 80% is still a solid B, right? Am I being selfish, thinking I deserve any more than what I've got?

 

I keep waffling back and forth, trying to convince myself to make a decision and stick with it. I try to envision my life in either scenario and the only thing I come up with is the unfairness of life. Life is wholly, unabashedly unfair. I have made no decision at this point and he hasn’t pressed me for one, either. I might be foolish about all of this, but it feels like a very big decision, one I don’t think I’ll ever look back on and be 100% satisfied with what I chose. This blows.