What I Really, Really Want

I made a decision. I sat with the pain for two days, struggling to make the whole thing make sense. Wednesday night was my first yoga class and I think all the twisting and bending broke the damn inside me and I began making peace with my decision. I knew, no matter what I chose, it wasn’t going to be what I really wanted. What I really wanted was both things, but that just wasn’t possible. So, I’ve chosen to walk away from this potential relationship. I know, at some future point, if I had kept going, trying to push myself to be ok with his choice, I would grow to resent him and the relationship would be ruined. I let him know of my decision and began mourning this loss. I liked him, I really did. We have similar humor, we get along very well and really enjoy one another’s company. And the sex – yes, please! All the passion missing from my last relationship came rushing into this one. Walking away from that is not easy. It hurts like hell. I just keep reminding myself that I need to hold onto what this brief relationship has taught me and that is, I can feel this passion again. It’s something that has been missing from every subsequent relationship since my marriage to Flaco. I honestly was beginning to think it was me, that I was so broken from that past relationship fail I could no longer feel the butterflies of excitement when someone kissed me. So, I’m glad to know that isn’t true. Now the question is, will I ever find that again? I won’t try online dating because it just never worked out for me. In my regular, every-day life I don’t generally meet kind, family-oriented, single men. The likelihood of finding that someone for me seems pretty slim-to-none, which also makes giving up on the current guy so poignant. Am I making a huge mistake? That’s a distinct possibility, but I guess there’s no turning back now. This too shall pass…….