Tragedy

I use this blog to help me process some of the painful things that happen in my life, mostly related to infertility, adoption and relationships. Every now and then something happens that is too painful to even write about, to make cohesive sentences. So, I will now try to just share the facts of what is happening and maybe later I can share more of my feelings surrounding the happenings. As always, this is my side of the story and, should you happen to know and ask the other side, I’m sure it would sound differently. I cannot speak of what I do not know. So, my story is what we have.

 

Monday morning I had to do my yearly blood test for our Get Healthy program at work. It helps save money on my insurance, so I begrudgingly do it. I chose to make an appointment on Monday because I was already off of work for Columbus/Indigenous People’s day and Love Bug had his four year old physical. So, we do the blood work and then drive to Love Bugs appointment where I discovered I had a missed call from Esperanza. I text her back, letting her know we were in an appointment and I would call her when we were done. She responded by telling me Hermano’s baby was born earlier that morning but there was a complication. The umbilical cord had prolapsed which cut off the oxygen supply to the baby. He was born via emergency Caesarian but he was not breathing. Esperanza was trying to reach Primero, who was home asleep.

 

Once we got home from the appointment, Primero was awake and wanted to go to the hospital. He took the van and left just before noon. He came back home around 3 to drop off the van and he left again with a family member. Around 7 pm he was back home and explained a little more what had happened. The baby was in a medically induced coma to help him heal. He was not breathing on his own. The family was allowed to visit with him briefly. At 10:20 at night Primero came upstairs from his bedroom. He was on the phone telling the person on the other line he would see them soon. “The baby had a heart attack,” he explained. I expressed my condolences and told him it was late and he still had school the next day. I asked him if he thought he could be back in an hour, around 11:30. He quickly agreed and took off in the van once more. I went to bed at 11:30 and he was not back home. I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I text him around 12 asking where he was and reiterating he had school in the morning. He didn’t respond for several minutes, then said they were just finding things out. I text him again at 12:30. By 1 am I was angry. I asked him what he was doing that he could not do the next day after school. He came home a little after 1 am and I eventually fell asleep after Love Bug came and asked me to take him to the bathroom around 2 am.

 

Tuesday morning I woke up to a text message from Primero notifying me that he had left to be with his brother and family. He said I wouldn’t understand, but he had to be there. I responded that I was disappointed in him for sneaking out and I worried about the consequences of him missing school. I told him he would need to report to the school that he was not coming in for the day. I was not pleased with his choice, it did not make sense to me why he needed to miss school; he could go straight to his brother’s place or the hospital once school let out. Later in the day he text me stating he was excused from school for the day and 3 additional days. I called him because if I thought one day out of school was unwarranted, three was excessive. We fought and some of the things he said are still carving their way through me. He did not come home last night. I don’t know when he will be back home. As he asserted, I do not understand what is going on. He insisted he needed to be there for his brother and his mom and his other brother and Esperanza. He has not text me or spoken to me since our phone conversation. I doubt I will see him or hear from him for the rest of the week.

 

From our interaction I have come to a realization. I have had my eyes opened and I know I need to do things differently going forward. This has been a very tragic event. I don’t know how much the tragedy has colored our interaction. But, this seems to be the culmination of a lot of things that have been happening over the course of the last year and especially the last six months. I am feeling very pessimistic about the future at the moment. Prayers and positive thoughts for the baby and family would be appreciated.