Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference
     I was listening to Joyce Myer (if you don’t know who she is, check out her website at (www.joycemyer.org) this morning and she brought up the Serenity prayer. The Serenity prayer had become somewhat tainted in my eyes from when I worked at a drug and alcohol facility, which touted “spirituality” and belief in some “higher power” but lacked any real meaning in attempting to appease everyone. But, this morning when Joyce was talking about the Serenity prayer and accepting those things we cannot change, it struck a cord with me. She was talking to me and she was talking about infertility and this latest chaotic episode in my life. She went on to state that accepting the things we cannot change does not mean we should give up trying to change them, but at the moment we need to admit that it is not something we can change, but that we must rely on God to change it for us. And, as if patiently waiting were not hard enough, we must also learn to enjoy our lives while we are waiting. Joyce also talked a lot about being “stuck” at some point in your life; stuck and unable to move on because of some past hurt or some issue. She asked her audience (I was listening from my computer, but this was a pre-recorded presentation she had given) if they were ready, truly ready, to be healed because many times, when we are stuck it gets to the point that we don’t want to give up our affliction because it has come to define us. Seriously. She was talking to me.
     Feeling stuck and feeling like this dam infertility has come to define me, is certainly how I feel. And I have been anything but accepting about this unwanted condition. First, I decided to look up the definition of “serenity.” According to dictionary.com serenity is the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil; sereneness. Synonyms: composure, calm, peacefulness, peace. That is not how I would describe myself in the last year, if not two years. I would actually use the antonym, agitation, to describe myself at this point. Then, I decided to look up the definition for the word “accept.” The definition was more lengthy, but what I found to be the most appropriate was; to take or receive (something offered); receive with approval or favor, to accommodate or reconcile oneself to. Synonyms: concede, acknowledge. To reconcile oneself to – this is how I understand the word “accept” in the Serenity prayer. Acceptance, in my mind, does not mean agreement, but realizing that the situation is what it is and making that ok for the time being. So, this brought up the following questions for me: 1) How do I accept something that I am not okay with? And 2) How do I accept something but still not like it? This lead me back to the first line in the prayer “ God grant me the ability to accept what I cannot change.” The very first line is acknowledging that this is not something that I like, not something that I agree with, and therefore, I must lean on God for the ability to reconcile myself with this situation. Reconcile had many definitions as well, but the synonym I found to best describe my understanding of the word in this context was “harmonize.” I am harmonizing my desire with God’s will and it is not something I can change by arguing or whining or pitying myself. Yet, God will give me the ability to be patient, to wait for Him, and to simply accept the current situation. Nowhere in that first sentence does it say it will be easy-peasy-lemon-squeezie. So, the thing I cannot change right now is infertility (well, and Flaco, but I haven’t wrapped my head around this issue yet, so I will leave it out of the discussion). I cannot change my childlessness. I am asking God for the serenity, the calmness, the peacefulness, to accept this “thing” which I cannot change. I don’t want this condition and while I believe there are things that can be done to change it (such as infertility treatments), they are not possible for me to do right now. I cannot change my infertility. I am waiting for God to heal me. Feeling like I have waited long enough or that other people are less deserving are getting what I am waiting for (a baby) does not help me. I need the serenity (tranquility) to wait patiently for God to answer my prayers. It does not matter how many friends have had babies before me. I must patiently wait for God to fulfill His promise (if in deed, He has promised me a child, which I choose to believe He has). But, here’s the rub. I HATE WAITING. I am not a very patient person (just ask my husband) and I am from a generation where things are “instant” – immediate gratification.
     So, this brings me to another question: How do I live a happy joyful life while I wait? When I thought this question, a hymn I remember singing at the church I attended when I was a teenager, popped into my head.

     I will enter His courts with thanksgiving in my heart
     I will enter His courts with praise
     I will say, “This is the day that the Lord has made.”
     I will rejoice for He has made me glad
     He has made me glad, He has made me glad
     I will rejoice for He has made me glad, glad, glad (2x)
     God wants me to have an awesome life. He sent Jesus, to die for me, not so that I can have a life of misery and strife, but so that I can truly live. God wants me to use the talents He has given me and to lean on Him for the talents that I lack. God wants me to live a life of abundance. But, He also understands that with the beautiful, fragrant roses, there are also thorns. Thorns in life are obstacles, road-blocks that we must find a way to go over, under, around, or through (like Grover and salon doors on Sesame Street). I am still having a hard time reconciling (or accepting) this belief with the pain of infertility. The two concepts seem mutually exclusive to me. In my mind abundance does not equal infertility. And infertility does not equal joy. So, given my finite wisdom, I must rely on God to give me this ability to accept that I am meant to have an abundant life, but that I also need to work my way past the roadblock of infertility in my journey. Joyce Myer talks a lot about the Israelites and their 40 year journey in the wilderness when the journey should have taken something like 19 days. She calls this the “wilderness mentality.” Infertility has lead me into the wilderness. It has sapped me of my faith and belief and joy. As I wander the wilderness, I too turn bitter and complain to God about my situation, rather than thank Him for the manna and the water that I would surely perish without. Perhaps I am inches away from my Promised Land. Perhaps my journey has only just begun and it will take me another 40 years to figure out how to get outta here. I’m not sure I still really understand how I can be joyful when my heart feels so damaged. I don’t know how I will confess to living a life of abundance when I feel like there is so much lacking and missing in my life. Just as the patients learning to battle with their addictions were told, I must take it one day at a time. Right now, for today, I will rejoice in the Lord, for He has made me glad. I will praise and thank God for the simple things; just for being me. And maybe tomorrow I will tackle a bigger thorn. . . .