On Saturday, September 17th Flaco and I attended our second adoption training at CHOR. There were a few new ladies in the group and this time we were the only couple and Flaco was the only male. We learned about attachment issues children in foster care might have and child development, both physical and emotional. We handed in our Child Abuse clearances and our FBI background clearances. We are inching forward. Consuelo told us we would need to set up our interview at the next training (which will be 9/24) and we will also have to set up our house inspection. We are woefully unprepared for the house inspection. We have nothing in our home that suggests we are prepared for a baby to move in. We did clean out the “office” but there are still several pieces of furniture we need to relocate to make room for a crib, changing table, etc. We also need to get the immunization records for the animals, which means we actually have to take Jackson (the kitten that is now a year old) to the vet for his shots. Flaco loathes spending money on the animals, thus we have neglected to take Jackson to the vet up to this point. But, that’s a whole other conversation. I feel like we are still very far away from adopting a child or having a child placed with us. Perhaps I will feel differently when we have the room all set up. Part of me fears setting the room up and then having to wait and wait and wait and wait. . . . We have been waiting since January 2009. In the real world, it’s not that long. In the trying-to-conceive world, it’s a lifetime. At the training we talked a lot about the biological family and how we might have to interact with them, why it is important for both the child and the family to have visitation, what reactions the child might have immediately before and after the visitation. For Flaco and I, this was a curious thing to think about. We are not going to be foster parents, in the normal sense – we are going to be making this child our own. We will be his/her parents. Consuelo told us we would have the option to allow family members to interact with our child and we could set whatever parameters we choose for them. Flaco blurted out that we would not permit the biological family to interact with our child. Later, I clarified with him, that it would depend on the situation and how comfortable we feel with that family member. He cautiously agreed.
Last Thursday we got our records from the infertility clinic. My mom has scheduled an appointment for me to see Dr. F on 9/23. I still have more hope in adoption than I do in having our own biological child. It seems more like a sure thing to me. I feel extreme trepidation in stepping back into this infertility world. I have been doing ok lately, really keeping calm (even despite last month’s idiotic “feeling pregnant” episode). I think I have transferred my infertility obsession to my 30th birthday obsession. Yes, on October 1, 2011 I will be 30 years old. And I’m freaking out about it. It doesn’t matter how many people tell me that “age is just a number” “you don’t look 30” “age is how old you feel,” etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum. These things do not make me feel better. For the most part, my 20’s have been pretty dam great. I celebrated my 21st birthday while studying abroad in Greece, graduated college and then celebrated birthday’s 23 and 24 in Nicaragua. I got married and bought a home. But, I thought by the time I was 30 (why does this still feel old to me?!) I would have a career, not just a job, and I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted to have my first child before I turned 30. I had to give up on that idea 9 months ago. Now, I am realizing that if I don’t get pregnant in the next 3 months, I will be 31 before birthing a child. Why does this bother me so dam much? I don’t know. I guess it all stems from me still thinking that 30 is freaking OLD! I wanted to be a “younger” mother – not like I had my kid when I was 16 young, but younger. I don’t want to be 80 years old with a kid in college. I guess, it just rubs me the wrong way that things haven’t gone exactly as I have planned. I don’t know why deciding to start at family at age 27 did not result in my desired outcome. I don’t want to leave my 20’s. I don’t want to be 30. Even if 30 is the new 20. Even if 30 is really not all that old. Even if I could become a mother in my 30’s. I think too, I struggle knowing that the infertility battle only gets worse once a woman hits 30. It’s all down hill from here for my eggs and reproductive organs. The expiration date is looming on the horizon. But, there is no stopping the march of time. Oh, and Aunt Flo is due on my birthday. Guess who is going to be a hot mess on 10/01/2011?
This Saturday is our third and final adoption class. We will be setting up our home visit. Next Wednesday I will be attending a Just for Friends event in town to find some gently used items, like a crib and baby seat. I tried to make a list of the things I think we might need, but I feel wholly incapable of determining what new adoptive parents might need. And, we won’t be registering anywhere for baby items, because we don’t know the age of the baby we will be getting. (Also, I don’t expect to have a baby shower. I don’t think I want one. Not that I don’t want to accept gifts and well-wishes from friends and family, but I associate a baby shower with being pregnant and birthing a child. If we did have a baby shower it would be after we have the baby. I don’t know, I’m sure there are many adoptive moms out there who might disagree with me, but right now the thought of a baby shower breaks my heart. Is that crazy?) I am going to ask my mom if she wants to go with me. I haven’t really told her that we are now exploring two options of having a child. Somehow, I think she would find it disturbing that we are continuing in the adoption process while simultaneously attempting more infertility treatments/options. I’m sure she will see it as tempting fate – we will adopt and immediately get pregnant. Maybe, I am just projecting my own fears onto my mom. I am just trying to take a leap of faith here and believe that God will help our child to find his/her way to us in the appropriate timing and the appropriate manner. It has taken me well over a year to stop being angry and bitter, blaming God for not giving us a child, for making us miserable with this infertility. It has taken me a long time to accept that things happen in God’s timing and not our own. In fact, most days I don’t think I have accepted this fact. So, I have to carefully nurture this fledgling of faith. I don’t ask “Why God? Why?” or “When God? When?” (if you ever watch Joyce Meyer’s broadcast on TV or the web, she says this a lot) as much as I used to. Instead, I try to say something like, “God, things happen in Your perfect timing and not my own.” Sometimes it pisses me off – the waiting and the agony. But, more and more I am resting in the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. Again, to quote Joyce, “I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.” I just hope this tranquility will continue as the doctor begins the poking and prodding and I start taking medication and vitamins and counting days and having planned sex, as well as other despicable things I’m sure I haven’t even imagined. So, the door is closing on my 20’s and opening on my 30’s. I pray that I can welcome this new decade in with open arms. Surly, all the good things in life are yet to come.
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