Placement

Nothing is ever easy. I thought, foster-to-adopt would be easier than trying to scrimp and save for IVF or other infertility treatments that might or might not work and sure as hell would hurt. I thought my heart would be safer and the process would be less painful. I was wrong. 

I got a call this morning from Consuelo, our case worker at CHOR. She left a message on my cell phone, rather than calling my work phone (which I thought was odd). I heard the message at lunch. She said she had a placement for us, for two girls ages 5 and 3. But, they were not legal risk. They were just in need of a home for foster care. She asked me to call her co-worker Andrea to get more information and to let her know if we would be interested. Before I called Andrea, I called Flaco. I told him the situation and he said flat out, “No.” His reason? “We don’t want to be a daycare with kids coming and going. We want our own child.” This is true. So, I called Andrea to let her know. Before I could explain to her our decision, she began to tell me about these two little girls. First of all, the girls also have two brothers for a grand total of 4 kids in the family (I guess the brothers have already been placed in a home). Consuelo got their ages wrong, they are actually 6 and 4 (almost 5). They are African-American and they are in foster care because their parents can’t keep housing and have been bouncing around for over a year and a half, in and out of homes or temporary housing. She said the children do not show signs of behavioral issues but there has been the suggestion of domestic violence in the household (it is thought to be just between the parents and not involving the kids). Apparently, about 6-8 weeks ago CHOR found a home for the kids but the county didn’t take them up on the offer. Now, they went to court yesterday to remove the kids and desperately need to place the kids in homes, but the original home (the Lopez’s apparently) are not responding to the phone calls and messages. So, they thought of us. I kindly explained our situation as follows, “I really appreciate the referral and that you thought of us. Thank you for giving me all this information. I spoke with my husband before I called and he is adamantly opposed to foster care due to our delicate situation. We have been through a lot with infertility and he worries that a foster care situation might be too much for us at this time.” I thought it sounded diplomatic. 

But, I feel bad. I feel bad for the two little girls (the older girl has a name on our short list of girl’s names that we might have used if we had been able to get pregnant) that they have to be in this situation. I know it would be totally impractical to take them into our home. We don’t have a crib yet, let alone two beds (which would never fit into the tiny room we have for a bedroom, unless we got bunk beds and in my opinion 6 and 4 year olds are too young for bunk beds) and the house is a hot mess because I was so sick last week and then Christmas hit and there was no time to clean (this is on my agenda for tonight). We would need to find immediate childcare and potentially enroll the older girl in school (which is out until January sometime – I think, but what do I know, I was homeschooled!). My heart hurts for these girls (just like it did for the little boy who was potentially going to be placed with us right before Thanksgiving). Where did they spend Christmas? Did they have a nice meal? Gifts? Were they warm and safe? I know we could provide them a nice temporary home, give them love (I already imagined myself trying to find some educational age appropriate shows on TV, making chicken fingers for dinner, and heaving them in and out of our giant old claw-foot tub for baths – I think of the weirdest things sometimes!) and stability. Part of me wanted to say yes, just so I could be a mom for a little while. But, I sent an email to my friend SJ (her finalization was last Wednesday for her little girl she adopted through CHOR) and she confirmed Flaco’s decision  - “Wow Flaco  is right you need one that is legal risk... Don’t start with foster care as it could suck you in in getting the placement you want. If we would of said yes to Foster Care when we took our break we would not have A. So you did the right thing.” But, still – I feel badly for saying no. These are two precious little girls who need someone to care for them. And apparently, I am a reproductive delinquent who needs someone to care for! I know in my heart of hearts that we are waiting for an infant. A baby that will ours, not just living with us on a temporary basis. I just didn’t expect myself to get attached to children I haven’t even met! But, I guess it all stems from me thinking that all children deserve happy homes with lots of hugs and kisses,  giggles, bedtime stories, tickles and love. And knowing I can offer this to children in need, makes me want to sweep them all up in my arms and make them feel safe and secure and happy. But, I also need to be realistic. And I need to think of our emotional welfare as well. I said a prayer that these girls will be going to a happy home where they can feel safe. I asked God to watch out for them and their brothers and to help their parents to get their act together and find them a permanent home. I gave them a mental hug and prayed for “our” baby to come to us soon! I don’t really know why we are going through what we are going through. I have already mourned a child that was never mine every month for the past three years, what’s a few more? I guess, this is all intended to make us stronger – at least it hasn’t killed us yet. 

Other random notes of interest. My mom and I were talking about babies and undeserving mothers whilst post-Christmas shopping on Monday. My mom declared, “It’s not fair because you would be a great mom.” I almost started bawling! I think that’s the highest compliment my mom could ever pay me – to tell me I would be a great mom. It was sweet and while it hurts that I am not already a mother, it made me feel better to know that someday I might be a dam fine mother (only I will need to learn not to use words like “dam” around the kiddies!). Last night Flaco and I went to the mall. Today is his birthday and we were looking at some potential birthday presents. As we were clomping along we passed a man holding a baby girl (the baby was dressed all in pink, so I am assuming girl) and feeding her a bottle. He seemed a little awkward, but the look of sheer joy on his face radiated pure love to her. He didn’t notice anyone else in the mall, just the baby in his arms. I’m thinking he’s a new daddy (the baby might have been 3-4 months old – but, what do I know?), but the image not only made me smile (teary eyed) but it is also burned into my memory. It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. My heart ached for Flaco to have the same experience with our own baby girl (or boy). Perhaps someday . . . . .