Does This Make Me Crazy?

Does it make me totally self-unaware that I cannot fathom why I do the things I do….? It’s almost like I am split in two at this point. I am the same-old responsible goodie-two-shoes I have always been for 99% of the time. But, then sometimes a naughtier me takes over. And I kinda like her, but I am also afraid to like her. Last Wednesday I met Samuel (names have been changed to protect the innocent….). I wrote a post about meeting up with him beforehand, but I never posted it (see below). Let’s just say that the initial evening was very nice and then things ended in a way my responsible self is less than pleased with….. Then the next day I got a foster child and everything changed for me. Now, tonight Roland is supposed to come over for dinner but Flaco is in the hospital after a stupid Memorial Day stunt, so all plans are up in the air. Everything else in my life seems rather neat and tidy, except when it comes to the male of our species. And here is where I cannot figure myself out. I am not stupid. I know I deserve the best when it comes to relationships. I deserve to be treated kindly and with respect. I demand that of any friend and would not be friends with someone who isn’t respectful or kind. Flaco is not and has not always been kind nor respectful. And yet I am entangled with him in such a way I sometimes I feel like I will never get out…. And I screwed things up with Samuel (at least I am certain I have) not to mention the fact that there is a Samuel/Roland issue to begin with…. I am feeling like a nunnery in some god forsaken tundra might be in order. I guess I have a lot of fodder for my next therapy session……

5/23 –

I am very excited to see Samuel tonight. When we set up our meeting via Facebook Monday night, he asked me to text him and remind him because he tends to be forgetful. So, at lunch today I sent him the friendly reminder. He responded that he had not forgotten and planned to be there. There, being Dunkin Donuts near my place. I am excited to see Samuel in a way I haven’t been for any of the other outings I have been on in the past few months. Previously, I felt like going out was a chore. Get dressed nice, ugh! Drive to meet somewhere, bleck! Chit-chat and find things to talk about, eh. Be friendly and be myself, but not too gregarious to give them “other” ideas, must I? My heart wasn’t in it for sure. But, now? My heart feels light and well, happy. It is strange. I don’t know why it is different with Samuel. Right now, I don’t want to question it too much because my heart has not felt light like this in a long time. Certainly not since February. Why must I over-analyze everything?

At lunch today at work, I was telling a friend about Samuel. We were speaking in Spanish so other co-workers couldn’t understand us (rude, I guess but I don’t need everyone knowing my business). She was so excited when I told her about Samuel being from Argentina. My friend is from Mexico and she is married to an American man. Her son’s name is actually Samuel’s real name, so she told me this made her like him already! Anyway, she thinks Argentinean men are the sexiest and have the sexiest accent. I told her I wasn’t really crazy about the Argentinean accent (in my opinion, it sounds too much like Spain Spanish with the lisp and slurring, which I don’t like), and she wacked me on the arm and said I was totally crazy. Her excitement bolstered my own and so now I am practically bubbling over with it! I’m still at work as I type this, but I don’t plan on posting anything until after our outing. I guess it is a good thing to have something to look forward to, something new and exciting.

But, at the same time I am nervous. I am on the cusp of cutting things off with Roland and I worry that if Samuel does not turn out to be the kind of man I think he is, then I might have lost out on an opportunity for something with someone genuine. But, at the same time, I am chafing at the slowness and the lack of excitement in my relationship (I use this word lightly) with Roland. I think I am a lot more spontaneous than he is and more lively, which is strange since he is in a band….. I need someone to run with, to seek adventures, and jump into things together. Roland seems more cautious than I am, which is not a bad thing, but it does tend to bring out my more brash side. I want to do something crazy to shake him up a bit and that isn’t great. With Samuel, I feel like we would be tit-for-tat, one equally egging on the other. And not in a bad peer-pressure kind of way, but in a lets-go-see-the-world kind of way. I don’t know how to explain it. Someone tell me I am not losing my mind altogether!

In other news, I got a call from CHOR yesterday about a potential referral. Given past issues, I am sorry to say this is all I will mention about the subject. I was pleased to get a call a week after handing in the letter, but they have not called back today to confirm I will be getting the child, so I am assuming something else has occurred. I realize that things might change if I become a foster mother again – it won’t be so easy to pop out for some coffee – but, that might be a good thing given my propensity for insanity at this point.

I have been thinking about timing lately. Am I jumping into things too soon? Who is to say what is too soon? Flaco has been gone for well over 3 months now. In the grand scheme of things, that is not a long time. It is a mere fraction of the time we were together. But, I am not one who likes to sit and dwell on things, especially unsavory things. I would rather jump back on the horse, even if that means I am more likely to fall again and soon. I try to look at the hot mess I call my life from an outsiders perspective and I think I would be of the opinion that this chick is rushing into things. But, I know me. And I know that if I don’t move on, I will keep letting Flaco come back and use me. If I don’t have the barrier of other interests between us, Flaco will just assume he can come around whenever he likes. And, I remember that he has already done his share of screwing around, mere weeks after he left, so I’m moving like molasses compared to him…… Not that I want to be compared to him….. Plus, other than disgusting Carlos shoving his disgusting tongue down my throat, I have not even kissed another man since Flaco. I haven’t held anyone’s hand, I haven’t wrapped my arms around another man, nothing. I know I am not ready for any of that quite yet. So, I am going to cut myself a break. I’m going to let go for now and just be. I am going to live in the moment, not worry about what this moment will lead to or not lead to or what might happen after that….. And, this whole Samuel thing feels a little serendipitous to me. What are the odds that this person who I met briefly in church over 2 years ago would come into my job and remember me not long after my marriage dissolved and his relationship ended? Could this be a divine chance encounter? I guess the only way to find out is to drink some coffee and charlar…..