I am in trouble. I have been kind of seeing this guy, let’s call him Roland. Well, we have been out a grand total of three times. Each time we end up talking for many hours about random topics, but hardly ever about ourselves. Roland is kind and the perfect gentleman. We have not kissed or even held hands, so things are moving very slowly. I have not seen Roland in over two weeks. I like Roland as a person and as a friend. But, there are no sparks, no feelings of potential. My parents and some friends subscribe to the school of thought that this might be a good thing. It might take genuine feelings time to grow. And besides, Flaco hasn’t been gone that long, so I run the risk of having a rebound relationship if the feelings take over my mental facilities. I get that. And I think this is why I am still hanging in there for the time being. And this strange new reality was kosher with me. Until yesterday……
A few weeks ago at work there was someone who looked very familiar to me waiting at the front desk. During one of my many glances in his direction, he met my eyes. Recognition sparked and he asked, “Do I know you?” As it turned out, we used to go to church together at La Roca de Reading. And, most recently, we met at my friend Elizabeth’s wedding reception in October. We spoke for a few minutes, enough for him to tell me about his impending missions trip to Guatemala and to ask about my current status (unattached). I gave him a business card, in case he had questions about registering with our office, thinking I would never hear from him again. Last week he emailed me and I was only able to respond to the email yesterday. He called and then came in to see me in the afternoon. We had a nice discussion both professional and personal and I even helped explain program options to his mother in Spanish. Samuel is originally from Argentina, but he speaks English fluently. His mother’s Argentinean accent was somewhat hard for me to understand, but I made do. Anyway, as we are conversing, Samuel gave me his cell number and invited me out to coffee. I gave him my number and said that would be nice. You see, there were some sparks, there was something that is so lacking with Roland. So, Samuel text me last night and we also ended up messaging back and forth on Facebook. We agreed to have coffee tomorrow after work.
And here is the trouble. Yesterday, Roland revealed to me he suffers from bouts of depression as a way of explaining his absence in the past two weeks. I feel bad, knowing that he is dealing with this nasty inner demon. But, I am also feeling a little frustrated. Flaco never spent enough quality time with me and I hated that. I do not want the same thing all over again, even if the reason is different this time. If I am honest with myself, I am much more interested in Samuel. But, this also has me worried. Because it kind of reminds me of how things began with Flaco – sparks and flames and well, you get the picture. And the Good Lord knows I do not need another Flaco in my life. I am more cautious now, which is a good thing. I don’t want to hurt anyone, least of all myself. A friend of mine suggested I just play the field a little bit right now, have some fun and forget about serious things like feelings. Eh, but that’s just not me. That is not appealing to me and I know I would hate it in the end and probably end up hating myself as well. I am not saying I want to run into anything serious either. What I am saying is I want “it” to be easy at this point. Being with Roland is not really easy and I am not 100% sure why that is. To me, Samuel is more exciting, he is more refreshing to be around (at least in the few times I have been in his presence). Roland is too much of a conundrum for me, too swirly and somewhat morose. So, I am getting coffee with Samuel and we shall see where things go.
You know, I just re-read that last part and for all my protestations of not wanting to play the field, that sure seems like what I am doing. I am beginning to worry that I will never again find contentment in a relationship for fear it too will fail and I will have to endure another separation. Then too, I fear I am just jumping in for the sake of jumping in and very soon this house of cards will come toppling down around me. I sound like a nut, a hussy nut. I am certainly my own worst enemy and I hope I do not drive myself off the ledge……
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