Good-bye 2013

I finally got my period today – it was roughly 3 ½ weeks late. And of course it is heavy and crampy because that is just how life is – it kicks you in the teeth when you are down……. The end of the year is always a time I reflect on the past year and look forward to a better one to come. Or at least I used to…. That’s when I believed that I had any choice in what happens, that I could make plans and goals and resolutions. But, surely you’ve heard that we make plans and God laughs at us? So, then there must be no point in making plans. Just get up and do what needs to be done that day. I thought about making goals for 2014, improving on this past year, but I don’t see a point now. What’s going to happen, will happen and I’m powerless to do much about it. Overall, 2013 wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t fantastic either. This past year was one of growth and frustration. I finally extracted myself from Flaco and met someone decent (we are staying in tonight – ordering take out and watching a movie or two). I was a lot more handy and on top of things around the house (there’s still a lot of room for improvement, but no point in planning on it). I had my longest placement, which lasted nearly the entire year and I was officially approved to adopt, although a permanent placement seems rather elusive.  I’ve been told that I should keep believing that something good will happen, that God will answer my prayers. I’ve been told to not lose faith, to keep praying and to remember in the scripture it says God will not forsake us, He has plans to prosper us. In this world we will have trouble but He leaves us His peace. I keep looking for evidence of a plan or a reason why all this has been happening. Some people believe that all things happen for a reason, but I do not. This 5 year string of unfortunate events does not have meaning, it’s not happening for a reason, unless I am to believe that 5 years ago and every year since I wasn’t good enough to become a mother. Sometimes life just sucks because life just sucks. God can use the pain and suffering to do something good and I do believe that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. But, I’m sick to death of being stronger! How much stronger must I get? I do believe God has a plan but I’m beginning to think His plan and mine are not the same thing. Maybe God will prove me wrong and 2014 will turn out to be different, maybe it will be “the year” instead of 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, or 2013…….