The Things that Keep Me Up at Night

I don’t have a whole lot to say about any one thing in particular, so I’m just going to do a bullet list. Here are The Things that Keep Me Up at Night:

 

• Sunday morning Love Bug took of his diaper and threw it away without me knowing. He followed me into the bathroom, having a fit because I was not holding him. As I was doing my business, he decided to follow suit, which is how I learned he wasn’t wearing a diaper. As I mopped up the floor and bathed him I, again, reminded myself I really need to get on the potty training bus. To date, all I’ve done is buy him his own little potty and had him sit on it a few times. He has zero interest, so I’m going to have to find some way of motivating him. It just seems like such a daunting task.
• Primero was hurt again by a young man he befriended and began developing feelings for – that is until the boy’s mother heard from a different students father that my son was bi-sexual and the new friend was prohibited from spending time with that “faggot.” Primero, being the amazing, mature young man he is, asked to meet the boy’s mom and have her get to know him before judging him. Keep in mind, this new friend has had more than one run-in with the law and is still serving probation with the juvenile court system. The boy’s mother said my son would not be welcome in their house, but he could attend their church, to which I said, “the hell you will!” I encourage Primero to attend church, but I would not want him going there for them to pick him apart! I just wish Primero could find a nice boy who has decent parents who can accept their son for who he is and not make my son their scapegoat. Primero is too good at picking out the closeted guys with judgmental parents. I know I can’t stop any of it from happening, I just hate seeing him get hurt again and again. He’s a good kid, he deserves better than that.
• Our foster dog had his first meet and greet with a potential adoptive family. The volunteer who took him said it went well, but the family was worried about how their older dog would handle the younger, more energetic dog. I haven’t heard anything back yet, so I’m guessing it’s a no-go. Hopefully another family will pop up for Mocha. He has successfully ruined both the front screen door and the back screen door at our house. I’m looking forward to getting them fixed but not before he moves on.
• Chica Marie is still not enrolled in a summer camp. My carefully constructed plans toppled like Dominos, one right after the other. I need to revisit the one camp who said they wouldn’t open registration to new members until June 5^th. Camps are so expensive, it’s hard justifying the costs, but Chica Marie needs to be somewhere with more structure and things to do. Daycare just can’t offer her those things. But this whole mess has me stressing out!
• The adoption case worker was out to our house last Thursday. She was there forever and once again the whole Chica Marie adoption was dredged back up, only she wasn’t satisfied with my answers and wanted to dig deeper. She also told me, if I’m frustrated I’m working too hard. She talked about how she dealt with her daughter, who has some behavioral special needs, and how a now-defunct CHOR program for troubled teens taught her a lot in regards to ignoring behaviors she didn’t like. I found it both helpful and grating because I feel like I keep walking the same roads yet never reach a resolution.
• Primero has failed his driver’s license test 3 times. That’s three times I have taken off of work to pick him up and take him to the DMV for the test. Once we drove to the neighboring county’s DMV which is an hour drive one way! He had to renew his permit because you can only fail 3 times per permit. He is scheduled to take the test again on July 1^st and I’m so glad it’s on a Saturday so I won’t have to take off work!
• I’m hoping to do a mini vacation the end of summer but I worry about the timing in relation to the little one’s adoption for financial reasons. I remember with Primero we went two months before receiving the first check for his subsidy. That money helps us greatly, it’s what I use for us to do fun things like go out to dinner or get Redbox, things like that. As a single mother, the stipend is frankly the only way I could manage with the extra mouths to feed. So, we shall see. Perhaps we’ll do a staycation and just hang out at the pool.
• We are doing so-so in our whole foods endeavor. I’d give us a C grade. It is so, so hard to break from the convenience of processed foods! But, we are trying and there is certainly less junk food in our house, with the exception of what Primero eats. I encourage him to make healthier food choices, but he is adamantly opposed, preferring canned ick over home-cooked dinner. Still, I did get him to eat a plate of Brussel’s sprouts last week. I roasted them on the grill with some olive oil and sea salt then drizzled some pecan praline balsamic vinegar over the top – yum!
• Love Bug is such a momma’s boy! Primero accuses me of spoiling him because I give into his whims. Sometimes I wonder if Primero is jealous. Love Bug lives up to his nickname here, giving hugs to his daycare teachers and case workers that come over to our house. He give me hugs too, wrapping his arms around my neck and nestling his head under my chin like he did when he was tiny. I know that’s his happy place, where he feels most safe. At night, when he’s going to bed, he grabs ahold of my neck tightly, smooshing my cheek against his whispering for me to sleep with him. It’s the hardest thing to resist, so I give him lots of kisses before gently pulling away and letting him fall asleep. So many times I wish I had had this kind of relationship with his sister. I think it might ease some of our troubles if I had memories of her chubby arms pulling me towards her for one last hug and kiss. But, by the time she moved in with us, she was already the wild-child she is now, so we have to just deal with what is.  
• I’m reading the book “You Don’t Look Adopted” by Anne Heffron. I can’t say I love the book, it skips around too much for me. I’m about half-way done because I mostly only read it during my lunch break at work. The most recent section I read was about her brother. She wrote that he wasn’t really her brother, they weren’t biologically related and she didn’t feel a connection to him as a sibling. It broke my heart. I know it’s hard for Primero to be so much older than the little ones, but I sincerely hope he considers them siblings. I think he does Love Bug, but I don’t know about Chica Marie. The little ones love him like a big brother, there’s no question about that. I just hope they maintain a connection as they get older. I guess it sounds strange, since I’m mostly estranged from my own brother. But, that wasn’t really my choice and I would fix it if I could. I have recently appreciated my bond with my sister because I’m pretty sure no one in the world gets me as much as she does. And I don’t think anyone is as real with me as she is. Sure, Primero has Esperanza and Hermano and Mr J and his younger sisters. And the little ones have one another and Mini Momma and all their older siblings, but I want them to also have one another because only the three of them are in our home as siblings and only the three of them will get what that’s been like.
• Grandma contacted me about a sibling get-together for all of Love Bug and Chica Marie’s brother and sisters. It’s going to be held the first weekend in July. I’m both nervous and excited to go to the picnic. I met one older sister one time when Grandma brought her along to a visit but I’ve never met the older brothers. I hope it will be a positive experience for all the kids.