Life is so funny and God must have a sense of humor. So, I wrote earlier how I feel like each phone call could be THE call in which our child will be placed with us. Well, today my phone was ringing an awful lot (which, where I work, we don't get a lot of calls so 5 in one day is a LOT). The final call of the day came around 3:45. It was Consuelo. She was calling with a placement, but I needed to speak with another social worker named Heather.
Heather came on the phone and said they had a placement for two little girls ages 1 and 3 and that she had spoken to Flaco, but he said to talk to me (btw, Heather does not speak Spanish, so I'm sure that must have been an awkward call for Flaco and Heather!). She explained that the girls "supposedly" have the same father, but he is MIA in Puerto Rico. Their mother was put in jail today for making terroristic threats and it sounds like this was mom's last chance to get her act together. The girls are Hispanic with no developmental, emotional, or medical problems. The mom thought the younger girl might be developmentally slow, but none of the caseworkers noticed. She would need to be tested. The mom also said the older girl was aggressive with the younger girl, but they were not sure to what extent (maybe just sibling rivilry). They need to place the children TONIGHT. I said yes. I guess I was working on the assumption that Flaco had already said yes . . . . Regardless, I went into panic omg-omg-omg-omg-omg mode. I let Heather know that we did not have car seats. She said they might have one at CHOR we could borrow and perhaps a friend had another one we could borrow. She said she would call me back to let me know when and where we would be picking up the girls. I said I would be at work until 4:30 and gave her my work number. And PANIC!!
The first thing I did was went and talked to my friend Sara (she works in my office for another agency), who has been a foster parent and recent adoptive parent with CHOR. She has a crib for us that we have been trying to coordinate for my father to pick up for about 2 months now. I let her know we would need it tonight. And of course, I told her what was happening and asked if she had a carseat we could borrow. Then I told my boss that I might not be at work tomorrow. I just kind of blurted out that we are adopting through the foster care system and I might need to stay home and watch two precious little girls tomorrow but I also might not know this until tomorrow. He was ok with it but joked that I test his patience. Eh, whatever. I then eagerly waited by my phone for Heather to call back. 4:30 rolled around and no call. Now, originally I had a hair cut appointment and had planned to grab a gyro at the only place in the county where they make a decent gyro (it's not terribly close to me or any of my normal haunts, so I don't go there a lot - but it IS close to my hairdresser, so I treat myself after getting all beautiful). I had some other little errands I was going to do as well. But, the second the call came, like any parent, I dropped everything for "our" girls. The second I got in my car after work, I called my hairdresser and rescheduled for next week. Then I called my dad to see if he could go get the crib and bring it to our place. I called and left a message for Heather to let her know I was no longer at work and she should contact me on my cell. I drove home, hardly paying attention to the traffic build-up due to an accident on the other side of the road.
When I got home, Flaco was in PANIC mode. He was just plain freaking out. Men were not built for this kind of stuff, I swear! He was nervous and having doubts - I had to talk him off the ledge. Flaco does better when he is busy, so we went to a car wash place to vaccuum out the car. Of course, while we were there my phone rang. Now, I had it in my pocket and it vibrates so I could feel it since hearing anything over the vaccuums is impossible. Of course, I missed the call and it was a blocked number. When the voicemail came through it was Heather. Of course. She said she had been trying to get ahold of the county, but had not heard anything. She said they might just bring the girls to our house. I called back, desperate to reach Heather and ask her what the hell that meant, but ended up leaving her a weird semi-frantic message. I said we were newbies. [Rolling eyes at self] Then I began frantically texting Sara while Flaco drove home. Like Speedy Gonzalez and the Tasmanian Devil, we began to wildly clean the house (it wasn't a total disaster, but not as clean as we would have liked) and try to get the room a little more prepared (it's just a hodge-podge of furniture and shoes I didn't put away). And now we wait.
Usually, I write these posts when I am bored at work. This one is actually LIVE! So, we are waiting to see if the county will just show up like a derranged stork, dropping off these girls I have already gotten used to calling ours. I desperately want them to be with us. As with the other two (failed) placements, I love them already. I am already looking forward to making them pancakes for breakfast (is that too inappropriate?) and spending the day getting to know them. And my sister and her boyfriend are coming up this weekend, so I am excited for them to meet the girls. I have Monday off thanks to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. so I have time to find daycare and get the girls settled. I dont' care if it is two in the morning, I will welcome them with wide open arms. If I am able, I will post later to let my dear readers know what is happening. For now, I need to find something for dinner - I think it might be cereal!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Whisper down the Alley
Yesterday I was reading about FMLA and how it works, when my employer would need to know I would be using it and confirming that I was eligible. I wasn’t sure this was something we would do for two reasons. One, I doubt we could afford me not working and not getting a paycheck for any period of time and two, unless we got a newborn, we would most likely be fine in continuing our daily lives – altered of course. I figured I would save some vacation days and use them for when the “baby” arrives. The information I was reading stated that, other than for extenuating circumstances, I would need to let my employer know I would be taking the FMLA leave at least 30 days prior to when I would start taking it. It was not clear if adoption constituted “extenuating” but I know that I will not be getting a 30 day notice before a child is placed with us. I was thinking about when and how I would let my employer know we were adopting but had not made any kind of decision.
Well, this morning the Office Administrator cornered me in the bathroom. My friend (I have may have written about her before – her great-granddaughter is in foster care and we talk about our experiences) told the office administrator that me and my husband are waiting for a child. My initial reaction was one of frustration. Not that it’s a big secret, but we are also not shouting from the roof-tops about it either. But, I think this information would have been better coming directly from me rather than my friend who has lunch nearly every day with the administrator. But, since the cat was out of the bag at that point, I confessed that yes we were waiting, that we had been approved last month. We chatted a few more moments about it, but I felt like there was a large white elephant sneaking into the room – the unasked, unanswered question as to why we were adopting but had no other children. Maybe I was just imaging it. I mean, does everyone assume that because a married, childless couple is adopting it is because they cannot have children of their own? I think my view on this is skewed by my own experience. But, the office administrator kept saying how “great” and “exciting” it was and thanked me for divulging the information that, she admitted, wasn’t any of her business to be asking. She then told me a story of someone she knew who adopted a baby “in utero” and how exciting it was for them to be waiting and how they found out the biological mother went into labor when they were all at a picnic together (I’m not sure, but I think she meant a work picnic). Apparently, everyone knows someone who has adopted. Just like everyone knows someone who adopted and then got pregnant.
If I had a nickel for every person who has told me that once we adopt we will miraculously get pregnant I would start a healthy college fund for our baby. My mother, friends at work, other friends, even our social worker have said that they know of someone who adopted a baby only to get pregnant soon after. Every time it happens I grit my teeth and say, “Well, what’s wrong with that? It sounds like a double blessing to me!” When I told my parents we were adopting my own mother said, “Well, you better buy bunk beds.” Because she assumed we would get pregnant once there was a child living under our roof. Getting pregnant must be like getting a cold – don’t get around a baby or you might catch one! If only it were that simple! Ideally, I would like to have a two year gap between children, but I would NOT be upset to get pregnant after we adopt a baby. However, hearing this over and over again is so incredibly painful. There are many couples who do not get pregnant after adopting. It is giving false hope to a couple who have been let down time and time again by biology. Even worse than that, it makes the adoption seem less-important. Like it is a necessary step to reach the ultimate goal of a biological child. I feel like everyone will be holding their collective breaths waiting for the pregnancy announcement once a child is placed with us. I want our child to know he or she is loved no matter how she came into our lives. I don’t want them to think we adopted them so we could produce a biological child! I want our child to know that adoption means a loving family, not a second-rate family forced together by the cruelty of nature. I want him/her to know, unequivocally that he/she is OUR baby, he/she belongs in our family and was always meant to be here with us. I don’t want him to feel like he was ever unwanted or unloved – because his family was just waiting to find him and bring him home. Only God knows what is in store for us. He is working out wonderful things in our lives and will bless us when the time comes. And He might just choose to use adoption to do that!
Well, this morning the Office Administrator cornered me in the bathroom. My friend (I have may have written about her before – her great-granddaughter is in foster care and we talk about our experiences) told the office administrator that me and my husband are waiting for a child. My initial reaction was one of frustration. Not that it’s a big secret, but we are also not shouting from the roof-tops about it either. But, I think this information would have been better coming directly from me rather than my friend who has lunch nearly every day with the administrator. But, since the cat was out of the bag at that point, I confessed that yes we were waiting, that we had been approved last month. We chatted a few more moments about it, but I felt like there was a large white elephant sneaking into the room – the unasked, unanswered question as to why we were adopting but had no other children. Maybe I was just imaging it. I mean, does everyone assume that because a married, childless couple is adopting it is because they cannot have children of their own? I think my view on this is skewed by my own experience. But, the office administrator kept saying how “great” and “exciting” it was and thanked me for divulging the information that, she admitted, wasn’t any of her business to be asking. She then told me a story of someone she knew who adopted a baby “in utero” and how exciting it was for them to be waiting and how they found out the biological mother went into labor when they were all at a picnic together (I’m not sure, but I think she meant a work picnic). Apparently, everyone knows someone who has adopted. Just like everyone knows someone who adopted and then got pregnant.
If I had a nickel for every person who has told me that once we adopt we will miraculously get pregnant I would start a healthy college fund for our baby. My mother, friends at work, other friends, even our social worker have said that they know of someone who adopted a baby only to get pregnant soon after. Every time it happens I grit my teeth and say, “Well, what’s wrong with that? It sounds like a double blessing to me!” When I told my parents we were adopting my own mother said, “Well, you better buy bunk beds.” Because she assumed we would get pregnant once there was a child living under our roof. Getting pregnant must be like getting a cold – don’t get around a baby or you might catch one! If only it were that simple! Ideally, I would like to have a two year gap between children, but I would NOT be upset to get pregnant after we adopt a baby. However, hearing this over and over again is so incredibly painful. There are many couples who do not get pregnant after adopting. It is giving false hope to a couple who have been let down time and time again by biology. Even worse than that, it makes the adoption seem less-important. Like it is a necessary step to reach the ultimate goal of a biological child. I feel like everyone will be holding their collective breaths waiting for the pregnancy announcement once a child is placed with us. I want our child to know he or she is loved no matter how she came into our lives. I don’t want them to think we adopted them so we could produce a biological child! I want our child to know that adoption means a loving family, not a second-rate family forced together by the cruelty of nature. I want him/her to know, unequivocally that he/she is OUR baby, he/she belongs in our family and was always meant to be here with us. I don’t want him to feel like he was ever unwanted or unloved – because his family was just waiting to find him and bring him home. Only God knows what is in store for us. He is working out wonderful things in our lives and will bless us when the time comes. And He might just choose to use adoption to do that!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Positive Expectations
I feel great! Nothing is happening. Nothing has changed in a visible way. The outside things are very much the same as they were before, but I am feeling better than ever. So what has made the difference? Well, as much as I would like to believe that I woke up on 1/1/12 with this new amazing outlook and positive mindset, in reality it is something I have been working towards and striving to achieve. More importantly, it is something that I have been praying for and God has helped me to get to this point. I have mentioned many times that I listen to Joyce Myer’s preaching every workday morning. I have been doing this for quite some time now. Around August I began taking 15-20 minutes each morning for a brief Bible study and to spend some time deepening my relationship with God. Many times Joyce would talk about having positive expectations and a positive mindset and I would follow up her teaching with reading the same message in the Word. Although I wanted to wake up the next morning with a sunny outlook and infallible positive disposition, it took time for this to seep into my stubborn mind and heart. For about a solid year during our infertility ordeal I spent a lot of energy being very, very angry with God. I mean, I was just down right furious – How could He let this happen to us? Why didn’t He think we deserved to be parents? Why us? Like a petulant child, I cursed and cried, cajoled and pleaded with God to give us a baby. I would not hear that perhaps we had to go through this for a greater reason. That did not make sense to me; I didn’t want it to make sense. And, honestly, it still doesn’t make sense to my mind. But, slowly as I would try (and fail) and try (and fail) and try (and fail) to adapt what I was hearing and reading to my life, I would get a little better each time. My resistance to negativity gets stronger each day. And, hearing Joyce say again and again and again that we are not beholden to our feelings, we can CHOOSE to think and act in a manner completely opposite of how we are feeling, ever so slowly this began to sink in (which just goes to show that what we listen to and read, really does make a difference on how we act and behave). Now, I don’t want to get on a high horse and break my arm patting myself on the back. But, I have attainted a small victory. I have gotten to the point where I am expecting GREAT things. I have a positive expectation that whatever happens, no matter how much I don’t like it and how bad it may make me feel – God has only the very best planned for me.
So, what does all this ooey-gooey mushy “feeling” and positivity have to do with the price of beans in Bolivia? Or rather, our current state of suspended animation – waiting for the phone to ring and for a baby to plop in our laps? Each and every day could be THE day. Right now, my phone could ring and it could be Consuelo calling with a placement – our baby! I had shut-off this feeling of anticipation, the feeling of eagerly, earnestly waiting for THE day to arrive. Positive expectations – I wake up each morning and I think to myself, “Wow! Today could be the day! Today I could receive a phone call that will change my life! This IS it!” Doesn’t that make you all tingly and excited?! And if today isn’t the day, guess what? TOMORROW could be the day! And if tomorrow isn’t the day, then the day after that or the day after that. . . . . But, today the past and the future do not matter (well, in relation to waiting and in relation to getting a baby). The past pain is the past and not relevant to today’s potential for JOY. Is that hard to swallow some days? You bettcha. But, the other option is for depression and misery. So, the future is not something I can control, so why worry about it today? I can’t anticipate and fix tomorrow’s problems today (no matter how much I would like to try), so just deal with today. The Lord has given me a great peace to approach each day with joy and gladness. And when I think of waiting and waiting and waiting and how we’ve already waited for over 3 years now and how many other couples have had babies in these past three years– I start to freak out. The old feelings start ebbing back in – so I don’t think of it in those terms. And this is really making a difference for me. Truly. I still don’t know why we’ve had to go through all of this *shit*. It still isn’t fair, it still doesn’t make sense, I still don’t see a really good reason for it. But, rather than pick at old scabs and wounds, I let it be. It is what it is. I do what I can to change what I need to change (in me) and the rest is up to God. It has taken me more than three years to get to this point. One might argue, that it has taken me my entire lifetime to reach this point – not just in infertility and adoption, but in my life in general. All I know is that the only place for me to go now is UP! And I expecting something GOOD to happen to me – today, tomorrow, and every day of this year and all the following years I have on this earth. Amen and Amen!!!
So, what does all this ooey-gooey mushy “feeling” and positivity have to do with the price of beans in Bolivia? Or rather, our current state of suspended animation – waiting for the phone to ring and for a baby to plop in our laps? Each and every day could be THE day. Right now, my phone could ring and it could be Consuelo calling with a placement – our baby! I had shut-off this feeling of anticipation, the feeling of eagerly, earnestly waiting for THE day to arrive. Positive expectations – I wake up each morning and I think to myself, “Wow! Today could be the day! Today I could receive a phone call that will change my life! This IS it!” Doesn’t that make you all tingly and excited?! And if today isn’t the day, guess what? TOMORROW could be the day! And if tomorrow isn’t the day, then the day after that or the day after that. . . . . But, today the past and the future do not matter (well, in relation to waiting and in relation to getting a baby). The past pain is the past and not relevant to today’s potential for JOY. Is that hard to swallow some days? You bettcha. But, the other option is for depression and misery. So, the future is not something I can control, so why worry about it today? I can’t anticipate and fix tomorrow’s problems today (no matter how much I would like to try), so just deal with today. The Lord has given me a great peace to approach each day with joy and gladness. And when I think of waiting and waiting and waiting and how we’ve already waited for over 3 years now and how many other couples have had babies in these past three years– I start to freak out. The old feelings start ebbing back in – so I don’t think of it in those terms. And this is really making a difference for me. Truly. I still don’t know why we’ve had to go through all of this *shit*. It still isn’t fair, it still doesn’t make sense, I still don’t see a really good reason for it. But, rather than pick at old scabs and wounds, I let it be. It is what it is. I do what I can to change what I need to change (in me) and the rest is up to God. It has taken me more than three years to get to this point. One might argue, that it has taken me my entire lifetime to reach this point – not just in infertility and adoption, but in my life in general. All I know is that the only place for me to go now is UP! And I expecting something GOOD to happen to me – today, tomorrow, and every day of this year and all the following years I have on this earth. Amen and Amen!!!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
New Years Resolutions
The end of the year is always time to reflect on the past year and look forward to a new beginning with the coming year. The end of this year, also marks the three year anniversary of when Flaco and I started trying to conceive our first child. I have been thinking about what a person can do in three years. Three years is longer than being in the Peace Corps (that is 2 years and 3 months). In three years a person can get an associates degree or be over half-way done with their bachelors degree (generally, this takes 4 years). If we had gotten pregnant right away, our child would now be almost 2 ½ (he or she might have been born in September 2009 – wow!!!). In three years time the presidential election is coming back around as are the summer Olympics. A lot can happen in three years!! But, one thing has not happened. . . . .
So, every year I make new years resolutions. Some years I am more gung-ho about it than other years. This year I would like to call them goals, rather than resolutions. I have decided that 2012 is going to be a stellar year for me and Flaco. I’m done with the bullshit. Done with the sorrow and the misery and the waiting, waiting, waiting. This year is going to be different. It’s going to be off the charts and totally rockin’! I have read the book The Secret and listened to the CD. I listen to Joyce Myer every morning. While The Secret can be a little on the hokie side, the main idea is good – that by thinking positively about something, believing it to be true, the cosmos works to make it so. In Joyce’s words, God wants to give us abundant life, we just need to believe it is ours to have – or something like that. My point is, I am calling positive abundance into my life because I am stating these things as truths that have already happened. 2012 is awesome – not might be, not could be, but IS. Perhaps you think I have gone kookie or lost my marbles. Honestly, I’m not really into the ooie-gooie celestial stuff. I think I’m a lot more pragmatic than all that. However, all the pragmatism in the past did not get me anywhere really. Rather than moving forward, I felt that we move backwards in 2011. Backwards in terms of our finances, our relationship, and the whole infertility fiasco. So, I’m adding a sprinkle of spirituality into this coming year, in hopes that by faith and belief and sheer mental determination, 2012 will be a year of miracles and abundance.
So, for my goals in 2012. I have three. I thought I would list them here, since it will make them available for anyone to hold me accountable to them. Without further ado, here are my 2012 goals/resolutions.
1) Financial – in 2012 we are getting out of debt. I have already devised a plan to pay off the debt we have, bit-by-bit. The good news is we will have paid off several smaller debts by May, which will allow us to dedicate more financial resources to the bigger money suckers. But, getting out of debt will mean we will be able to save more money and not have to live paycheck-to-paycheck. It will also mean we will be able to do more things – like take mini vacations or treat ourselves every once in awhile without feeling guilty or worrying about how we will put gas in the car the next week. So, 2012 will be our year to break free from the bonds of our debts. Woopie!!
2) Weight – Yes, this is everyone’s resolution every year. But, I figure it can’t hurt to give it a try yet again! My goal is to lose 50 pounds, which is a little less than a pound a week. I will do this by eating smaller, healthier portions and walking with my sweet Canela (she is the dog I brought back from Nicaragua, I call her my Nica princess and love her to pieces. She loves to go for walks and she is always very good). I’m not a gym person and I am not a runner (too many things jiggle), but brisk 30 minute daily walks are totally do-able. I like to ride bike as well, so maybe as a gift to me, when the debt is paid off, I can get a nice bike.
3) Clean house – To make room for all the new blessings coming our way (mainly, a child) I think it is time to get the house in order. The whole house. Top to bottom, bottom to top. We need to cull our wardrobes, get rid of unwanted, unused junk, de-clutter, and get everything in a proper place. I started doing this when I was getting the house ready for the home study, but since then things have piled up. So, time for some organizational systems to be put in place (and enforced) and get it all ready. Yesterday’s potential placement made me realize that my house, my car, and my life needs to be ready at any moment to welcome home our baby. So, I will set a cleaning schedule and whip Mr. Flaco into shape so that our house is never not ready for company – if that makes sense. This is probably going to be an on-going venture, since things happen that make cleaning a low priority (like illness or an über-busy schedule). Still, I think it is a worthy endeavor and so I have made it a goal.
I wish everyone a healthy, happy and fabulous new year!!! 2012is going to ROCKS!
So, every year I make new years resolutions. Some years I am more gung-ho about it than other years. This year I would like to call them goals, rather than resolutions. I have decided that 2012 is going to be a stellar year for me and Flaco. I’m done with the bullshit. Done with the sorrow and the misery and the waiting, waiting, waiting. This year is going to be different. It’s going to be off the charts and totally rockin’! I have read the book The Secret and listened to the CD. I listen to Joyce Myer every morning. While The Secret can be a little on the hokie side, the main idea is good – that by thinking positively about something, believing it to be true, the cosmos works to make it so. In Joyce’s words, God wants to give us abundant life, we just need to believe it is ours to have – or something like that. My point is, I am calling positive abundance into my life because I am stating these things as truths that have already happened. 2012 is awesome – not might be, not could be, but IS. Perhaps you think I have gone kookie or lost my marbles. Honestly, I’m not really into the ooie-gooie celestial stuff. I think I’m a lot more pragmatic than all that. However, all the pragmatism in the past did not get me anywhere really. Rather than moving forward, I felt that we move backwards in 2011. Backwards in terms of our finances, our relationship, and the whole infertility fiasco. So, I’m adding a sprinkle of spirituality into this coming year, in hopes that by faith and belief and sheer mental determination, 2012 will be a year of miracles and abundance.
So, for my goals in 2012. I have three. I thought I would list them here, since it will make them available for anyone to hold me accountable to them. Without further ado, here are my 2012 goals/resolutions.
1) Financial – in 2012 we are getting out of debt. I have already devised a plan to pay off the debt we have, bit-by-bit. The good news is we will have paid off several smaller debts by May, which will allow us to dedicate more financial resources to the bigger money suckers. But, getting out of debt will mean we will be able to save more money and not have to live paycheck-to-paycheck. It will also mean we will be able to do more things – like take mini vacations or treat ourselves every once in awhile without feeling guilty or worrying about how we will put gas in the car the next week. So, 2012 will be our year to break free from the bonds of our debts. Woopie!!
2) Weight – Yes, this is everyone’s resolution every year. But, I figure it can’t hurt to give it a try yet again! My goal is to lose 50 pounds, which is a little less than a pound a week. I will do this by eating smaller, healthier portions and walking with my sweet Canela (she is the dog I brought back from Nicaragua, I call her my Nica princess and love her to pieces. She loves to go for walks and she is always very good). I’m not a gym person and I am not a runner (too many things jiggle), but brisk 30 minute daily walks are totally do-able. I like to ride bike as well, so maybe as a gift to me, when the debt is paid off, I can get a nice bike.
3) Clean house – To make room for all the new blessings coming our way (mainly, a child) I think it is time to get the house in order. The whole house. Top to bottom, bottom to top. We need to cull our wardrobes, get rid of unwanted, unused junk, de-clutter, and get everything in a proper place. I started doing this when I was getting the house ready for the home study, but since then things have piled up. So, time for some organizational systems to be put in place (and enforced) and get it all ready. Yesterday’s potential placement made me realize that my house, my car, and my life needs to be ready at any moment to welcome home our baby. So, I will set a cleaning schedule and whip Mr. Flaco into shape so that our house is never not ready for company – if that makes sense. This is probably going to be an on-going venture, since things happen that make cleaning a low priority (like illness or an über-busy schedule). Still, I think it is a worthy endeavor and so I have made it a goal.
I wish everyone a healthy, happy and fabulous new year!!! 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Placement
Nothing is ever easy. I thought, foster-to-adopt would be easier than trying to scrimp and save for IVF or other infertility treatments that might or might not work and sure as hell would hurt. I thought my heart would be safer and the process would be less painful. I was wrong.
I got a call this morning from Consuelo, our case worker at CHOR. She left a message on my cell phone, rather than calling my work phone (which I thought was odd). I heard the message at lunch. She said she had a placement for us, for two girls ages 5 and 3. But, they were not legal risk. They were just in need of a home for foster care. She asked me to call her co-worker Andrea to get more information and to let her know if we would be interested. Before I called Andrea, I called Flaco. I told him the situation and he said flat out, “No.” His reason? “We don’t want to be a daycare with kids coming and going. We want our own child.” This is true. So, I called Andrea to let her know. Before I could explain to her our decision, she began to tell me about these two little girls. First of all, the girls also have two brothers for a grand total of 4 kids in the family (I guess the brothers have already been placed in a home). Consuelo got their ages wrong, they are actually 6 and 4 (almost 5). They are African-American and they are in foster care because their parents can’t keep housing and have been bouncing around for over a year and a half, in and out of homes or temporary housing. She said the children do not show signs of behavioral issues but there has been the suggestion of domestic violence in the household (it is thought to be just between the parents and not involving the kids). Apparently, about 6-8 weeks ago CHOR found a home for the kids but the county didn’t take them up on the offer. Now, they went to court yesterday to remove the kids and desperately need to place the kids in homes, but the original home (the Lopez’s apparently) are not responding to the phone calls and messages. So, they thought of us. I kindly explained our situation as follows, “I really appreciate the referral and that you thought of us. Thank you for giving me all this information. I spoke with my husband before I called and he is adamantly opposed to foster care due to our delicate situation. We have been through a lot with infertility and he worries that a foster care situation might be too much for us at this time.” I thought it sounded diplomatic.
But, I feel bad. I feel bad for the two little girls (the older girl has a name on our short list of girl’s names that we might have used if we had been able to get pregnant) that they have to be in this situation. I know it would be totally impractical to take them into our home. We don’t have a crib yet, let alone two beds (which would never fit into the tiny room we have for a bedroom, unless we got bunk beds and in my opinion 6 and 4 year olds are too young for bunk beds) and the house is a hot mess because I was so sick last week and then Christmas hit and there was no time to clean (this is on my agenda for tonight). We would need to find immediate childcare and potentially enroll the older girl in school (which is out until January sometime – I think, but what do I know, I was homeschooled!). My heart hurts for these girls (just like it did for the little boy who was potentially going to be placed with us right before Thanksgiving). Where did they spend Christmas? Did they have a nice meal? Gifts? Were they warm and safe? I know we could provide them a nice temporary home, give them love (I already imagined myself trying to find some educational age appropriate shows on TV, making chicken fingers for dinner, and heaving them in and out of our giant old claw-foot tub for baths – I think of the weirdest things sometimes!) and stability. Part of me wanted to say yes, just so I could be a mom for a little while. But, I sent an email to my friend SJ (her finalization was last Wednesday for her little girl she adopted through CHOR) and she confirmed Flaco’s decision - “Wow Flaco is right you need one that is legal risk... Don’t start with foster care as it could suck you in in getting the placement you want. If we would of said yes to Foster Care when we took our break we would not have A. So you did the right thing.” But, still – I feel badly for saying no. These are two precious little girls who need someone to care for them. And apparently, I am a reproductive delinquent who needs someone to care for! I know in my heart of hearts that we are waiting for an infant. A baby that will ours, not just living with us on a temporary basis. I just didn’t expect myself to get attached to children I haven’t even met! But, I guess it all stems from me thinking that all children deserve happy homes with lots of hugs and kisses, giggles, bedtime stories, tickles and love. And knowing I can offer this to children in need, makes me want to sweep them all up in my arms and make them feel safe and secure and happy. But, I also need to be realistic. And I need to think of our emotional welfare as well. I said a prayer that these girls will be going to a happy home where they can feel safe. I asked God to watch out for them and their brothers and to help their parents to get their act together and find them a permanent home. I gave them a mental hug and prayed for “our” baby to come to us soon! I don’t really know why we are going through what we are going through. I have already mourned a child that was never mine every month for the past three years, what’s a few more? I guess, this is all intended to make us stronger – at least it hasn’t killed us yet.
Other random notes of interest. My mom and I were talking about babies and undeserving mothers whilst post-Christmas shopping on Monday. My mom declared, “It’s not fair because you would be a great mom.” I almost started bawling! I think that’s the highest compliment my mom could ever pay me – to tell me I would be a great mom. It was sweet and while it hurts that I am not already a mother, it made me feel better to know that someday I might be a dam fine mother (only I will need to learn not to use words like “dam” around the kiddies!). Last night Flaco and I went to the mall. Today is his birthday and we were looking at some potential birthday presents. As we were clomping along we passed a man holding a baby girl (the baby was dressed all in pink, so I am assuming girl) and feeding her a bottle. He seemed a little awkward, but the look of sheer joy on his face radiated pure love to her. He didn’t notice anyone else in the mall, just the baby in his arms. I’m thinking he’s a new daddy (the baby might have been 3-4 months old – but, what do I know?), but the image not only made me smile (teary eyed) but it is also burned into my memory. It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. My heart ached for Flaco to have the same experience with our own baby girl (or boy). Perhaps someday . . . . .
I got a call this morning from Consuelo, our case worker at CHOR. She left a message on my cell phone, rather than calling my work phone (which I thought was odd). I heard the message at lunch. She said she had a placement for us, for two girls ages 5 and 3. But, they were not legal risk. They were just in need of a home for foster care. She asked me to call her co-worker Andrea to get more information and to let her know if we would be interested. Before I called Andrea, I called Flaco. I told him the situation and he said flat out, “No.” His reason? “We don’t want to be a daycare with kids coming and going. We want our own child.” This is true. So, I called Andrea to let her know. Before I could explain to her our decision, she began to tell me about these two little girls. First of all, the girls also have two brothers for a grand total of 4 kids in the family (I guess the brothers have already been placed in a home). Consuelo got their ages wrong, they are actually 6 and 4 (almost 5). They are African-American and they are in foster care because their parents can’t keep housing and have been bouncing around for over a year and a half, in and out of homes or temporary housing. She said the children do not show signs of behavioral issues but there has been the suggestion of domestic violence in the household (it is thought to be just between the parents and not involving the kids). Apparently, about 6-8 weeks ago CHOR found a home for the kids but the county didn’t take them up on the offer. Now, they went to court yesterday to remove the kids and desperately need to place the kids in homes, but the original home (the Lopez’s apparently) are not responding to the phone calls and messages. So, they thought of us. I kindly explained our situation as follows, “I really appreciate the referral and that you thought of us. Thank you for giving me all this information. I spoke with my husband before I called and he is adamantly opposed to foster care due to our delicate situation. We have been through a lot with infertility and he worries that a foster care situation might be too much for us at this time.” I thought it sounded diplomatic.
But, I feel bad. I feel bad for the two little girls (the older girl has a name on our short list of girl’s names that we might have used if we had been able to get pregnant) that they have to be in this situation. I know it would be totally impractical to take them into our home. We don’t have a crib yet, let alone two beds (which would never fit into the tiny room we have for a bedroom, unless we got bunk beds and in my opinion 6 and 4 year olds are too young for bunk beds) and the house is a hot mess because I was so sick last week and then Christmas hit and there was no time to clean (this is on my agenda for tonight). We would need to find immediate childcare and potentially enroll the older girl in school (which is out until January sometime – I think, but what do I know, I was homeschooled!). My heart hurts for these girls (just like it did for the little boy who was potentially going to be placed with us right before Thanksgiving). Where did they spend Christmas? Did they have a nice meal? Gifts? Were they warm and safe? I know we could provide them a nice temporary home, give them love (I already imagined myself trying to find some educational age appropriate shows on TV, making chicken fingers for dinner, and heaving them in and out of our giant old claw-foot tub for baths – I think of the weirdest things sometimes!) and stability. Part of me wanted to say yes, just so I could be a mom for a little while. But, I sent an email to my friend SJ (her finalization was last Wednesday for her little girl she adopted through CHOR) and she confirmed Flaco’s decision - “Wow Flaco is right you need one that is legal risk... Don’t start with foster care as it could suck you in in getting the placement you want. If we would of said yes to Foster Care when we took our break we would not have A. So you did the right thing.” But, still – I feel badly for saying no. These are two precious little girls who need someone to care for them. And apparently, I am a reproductive delinquent who needs someone to care for! I know in my heart of hearts that we are waiting for an infant. A baby that will ours, not just living with us on a temporary basis. I just didn’t expect myself to get attached to children I haven’t even met! But, I guess it all stems from me thinking that all children deserve happy homes with lots of hugs and kisses, giggles, bedtime stories, tickles and love. And knowing I can offer this to children in need, makes me want to sweep them all up in my arms and make them feel safe and secure and happy. But, I also need to be realistic. And I need to think of our emotional welfare as well. I said a prayer that these girls will be going to a happy home where they can feel safe. I asked God to watch out for them and their brothers and to help their parents to get their act together and find them a permanent home. I gave them a mental hug and prayed for “our” baby to come to us soon! I don’t really know why we are going through what we are going through. I have already mourned a child that was never mine every month for the past three years, what’s a few more? I guess, this is all intended to make us stronger – at least it hasn’t killed us yet.
Other random notes of interest. My mom and I were talking about babies and undeserving mothers whilst post-Christmas shopping on Monday. My mom declared, “It’s not fair because you would be a great mom.” I almost started bawling! I think that’s the highest compliment my mom could ever pay me – to tell me I would be a great mom. It was sweet and while it hurts that I am not already a mother, it made me feel better to know that someday I might be a dam fine mother (only I will need to learn not to use words like “dam” around the kiddies!). Last night Flaco and I went to the mall. Today is his birthday and we were looking at some potential birthday presents. As we were clomping along we passed a man holding a baby girl (the baby was dressed all in pink, so I am assuming girl) and feeding her a bottle. He seemed a little awkward, but the look of sheer joy on his face radiated pure love to her. He didn’t notice anyone else in the mall, just the baby in his arms. I’m thinking he’s a new daddy (the baby might have been 3-4 months old – but, what do I know?), but the image not only made me smile (teary eyed) but it is also burned into my memory. It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. My heart ached for Flaco to have the same experience with our own baby girl (or boy). Perhaps someday . . . . .
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry Christmas!
I know the holiday's are a rough time for infertiles. While enjoying friends and family with new babies is a blessing, it can also be a reminder of the pain in not having a baby of your own. I have spent a lot of mental energy thinking about how this might actually be the last Christmas without a baby (we are quickly approaching our 3rd year anniversary of trying to start a family, so this is the 4th Christmas that I have thought it might be the last one we spend without a baby). Mostly, it makes me feel better and more excited for Christmas next year. But, it also makes me a little sad. I have three friends who are celebrating this Christmas with a new baby - two for the first time. I want to be them - and when I think like that I tell myself that next year I will be them. I will be celebrating baby's first Christmas with our "new" baby. So, I don't want to dwell on the past sorrows or pick at the scabs of previous injuries. 2012 is going to be an awesome year for me and Flaco. I am accepting that as a FACT.
I am blessed in my life to have many special friends. There is a woman I work with, who is old enough to be my grandmother. She jokes that she adopting me as her daughter so she has someone to leave all her great jewelry to when she passes on. She is dealing with the foster system as a great-grandmother. Her grandson fathered a child, but he refuses to accept the child as his own (even after the paternity test shows the baby, now 1 1/2 years old is his). Her great-granddaughter's mother is not doing what she should be doing to get the baby back. This child will be the fourth she has lost to the child welfare system. But, the family who have this baby now and who are hoping to adopt her, do not want any family interaction. My friend is heartbroken. She does not want to adopt her great-granddaughter and be a mother again, she just wants to be a grandmother to her and spoil her and spend time with her on weekends and holidays. The new potential adoptive parents want nothing to do with her or her son. It breaks my heart. I pray that Flaco and I will be given wisdom when our time comes, to decide what (if any) family members should stay involved in our baby's life. My friend came to my cubicle on Friday to give me a beautiful bracelet for Christmas. She also asked me a favor. She knows that Flaco and I are adopting (she wishes she could give us her great-granddaughter - if only things worked that way). She asked to be a part of our baby's life. She wants to be "Gran" to our baby. I told her we would be honored and in my opinion a baby can never have too many grandparents.
I have another friend around the same age. She is a pistol. Totally hysterical and I love her to pieces. I hope I can be as "cool" as she is when I am old. She lives alone and sometimes calls me to come spend time with her when she gets lonely. She always has the best wine. Today we went out to a Christmas Eve brunch. I told her the above story (she knows the woman I work with) and she said that she expects to be a part of our baby's life too. She wants to baby-sit and spoil our baby.
So, I am telling these stories because I am so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. People who are not only supportive of me and Flaco, but who are also anxiously awaiting for our baby to come home. Our baby is already so loved. And he/she already has so many people waiting to love her/him, to spoil her, teach her, and spend time with her. I just want to be sure to remind myself to be thankful for such blessings in my life.
I wish everyone a blessed and very Merry Christmas!
I am blessed in my life to have many special friends. There is a woman I work with, who is old enough to be my grandmother. She jokes that she adopting me as her daughter so she has someone to leave all her great jewelry to when she passes on. She is dealing with the foster system as a great-grandmother. Her grandson fathered a child, but he refuses to accept the child as his own (even after the paternity test shows the baby, now 1 1/2 years old is his). Her great-granddaughter's mother is not doing what she should be doing to get the baby back. This child will be the fourth she has lost to the child welfare system. But, the family who have this baby now and who are hoping to adopt her, do not want any family interaction. My friend is heartbroken. She does not want to adopt her great-granddaughter and be a mother again, she just wants to be a grandmother to her and spoil her and spend time with her on weekends and holidays. The new potential adoptive parents want nothing to do with her or her son. It breaks my heart. I pray that Flaco and I will be given wisdom when our time comes, to decide what (if any) family members should stay involved in our baby's life. My friend came to my cubicle on Friday to give me a beautiful bracelet for Christmas. She also asked me a favor. She knows that Flaco and I are adopting (she wishes she could give us her great-granddaughter - if only things worked that way). She asked to be a part of our baby's life. She wants to be "Gran" to our baby. I told her we would be honored and in my opinion a baby can never have too many grandparents.
I have another friend around the same age. She is a pistol. Totally hysterical and I love her to pieces. I hope I can be as "cool" as she is when I am old. She lives alone and sometimes calls me to come spend time with her when she gets lonely. She always has the best wine. Today we went out to a Christmas Eve brunch. I told her the above story (she knows the woman I work with) and she said that she expects to be a part of our baby's life too. She wants to baby-sit and spoil our baby.
So, I am telling these stories because I am so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. People who are not only supportive of me and Flaco, but who are also anxiously awaiting for our baby to come home. Our baby is already so loved. And he/she already has so many people waiting to love her/him, to spoil her, teach her, and spend time with her. I just want to be sure to remind myself to be thankful for such blessings in my life.
I wish everyone a blessed and very Merry Christmas!
Monday, December 12, 2011
If you love something, let it go. . . . .
“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours forever. If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be.”
I can’t remember how much I wrote about losing one of our dogs – well, not losing. Flaco made me give him up. The dog, a white Siberian Husky named Toby, whom I fondly call Monster, is back home with us again. The end of July, beginning of August, after yet another fight with Flaco about the dog, I got pissed off and posted him on Craig’s List as “free to a good home” to prove to Flaco that no one would want a 3 year old dog (and I received a million emails about how I should not have done this because that is how animal hoarders get most of their animals or how people find “feeder” dogs for dog fighting). Toby is a beautiful dog – pure white (unless it has recently rained because he likes to play in the mud) with light blue eyes. I posted a picture of him and I received a lot of phone calls and emails. Toby is very friendly and loving (and huskies are generally more stand-offish). I didn’t want to give him up, but a couple contacted me, provided a referral (they got two huskies from this other woman) and even came to pick him up with their other two dogs. They seemed like a really nice couple. I cried my eyes out for days after Toby left. Even though he was a pain in the arse with his trash-eating, door handle jingling, paper towel shredding, sock burying, underwear chewing, need for constant attention ways – he was still a part of the family. I got some up-dates on Toby and by all reports he was doing well.
Then, out of the blue, last week I got a message on Facebook from the wife.
"Hi I'm the one who has Toby. I was just checking with you to see if you could take him back for a little til someone else could keep him. My husband git into trouble with the law last week is standing trial out of state. I am 15 weeks pregnant and he took all our money so I am going back to my parent who live overseas (they live in Turkey) to have the baby. I'm very sad to leave the dogs but I don't have another choice. I just wanted to check with you if you could take him I am looking everywhere for homes for my babies. It's just hard to rehome 3 siberian huskies in a week or so."
Seriously?! Is this for real? What could I say? No, I can’t take him back. So, I went to get him last Friday. Flaco is furious. He told me I could put another add on Craig’s List to get rid of the dog again. But, I was so happy to see Toby again!! And it felt so right for him to be home. Like a missing puzzle piece was finally back in place. Jackson (he’s one of the cats and Toby’s bff) was so happy to have his buddy back, he laid next to him and licked his ears. Even princess Canela (she is the dog I brought back from Nicaragua) was happy to see Monster again. But, Flaco warned that this was going to cause problems between us again because he hates the hair that Toby sheds. And he complains that our house is too small for two dogs and two cats.
This past weekend I went up to the farm to make cookies (we are a little crazy with our cookie making – we make at least 12 different kinds!) and my mom (who noticed my post of Toby’s return on Facebook) asked me what we were going to do with the dog. I explained how Flaco wants him gone again and how I am so happy to have him back. My mom and sister believe it would be best to have Toby find another new home because it might be too much for the baby we are hopefully getting soon. They worry about hair and dander (and I wonder if they doubt my housekeeping skills) in our small home. But, in my heart, I know that Toby deserves better than being bounced around just because he sheds a lot (and he does! Like pounds of hair every Fall and every Spring). And Monster loves kids! I worry more about Canela with small children because she gets scared and can be a little snippy (she is a smaller dog – about 30 pounds). I don’t know, I feel like the family is all back together again and I would hate to have to go through this all again. So, the quote above this post, is kind of how I feel about Toby. Maybe I will change my mind when he is shedding again (although a friend of mine suggested Omega 3 tablets to help with the shedding – she said it really works with her dogs).
We got our official letter of approval from CHOR on Saturday. The waiting has officially begun. I hate waiting. I am not a very patient wait-er. And, we are on the eve of our 3 year anniversary of when we began trying to start a family, so I think that makes the waiting even harder. We have been waiting for three years!!! In this amount of time, 16 babies have been born to friends/acquaintances!!!! SIXTEEN!!!!! And I know four pregnant women right now. It’s crazy! It’s actually kind of depressing to look at these numbers. Very soon, 20 children will have been born into this world and not a one has been born to me and Flaco. I know of one friend who is dealing with infertility right now. So, 20 out of 22 couples have been able to conceive and deliver babies (which I guess is actually pretty good odds, since one in six couples have infertility issues, as the national average). I must be careful that the old bitterness doesn’t creep back in.
I have been dreaming and day-dreaming about “our” baby. At random times throughout the day, I will think to myself how whatever I am doing at the time might change once we have a baby. I envision holding my baby at church, and what that might be like. I think about looking in my rearview mirror to see if the baby has fallen asleep on the drive home. I was thinking last night as I was drifting off to sleep that we will need to get a baby monitor because I will never sleep if I am worried I will not hear the baby cry. I was thinking that the “baby’s” room is so far from our bedroom (our house is tiny, but the baby’s room is the farthest room from our bedroom) and how I might just want the baby to sleep in our room until I feel more settled as a new mom. I think about what kinds of foods I will need to buy for the baby (if he or she is a little older like 2 or 3). When we were baking cookies, I thought about holding a baby on my lap as I decorated the cut-outs. Probably 23 of the 24 hours in a day I am thinking about “our” baby. I might be just a tad-bit obsessed. But, it is hard to not think about it. And I have modified my thoughts from including pregnancy and telling people about my pregnancy, to just simply having a baby plopped in my arms. But, I still think a lot about a baby and how our lives will change. I am anxious for the baby to be here, but I might need to wait for a long time. So, I try to put all my thoughts out into the future. I pray every day that God will guide our baby to us – the baby He means for us to have.
I can’t remember how much I wrote about losing one of our dogs – well, not losing. Flaco made me give him up. The dog, a white Siberian Husky named Toby, whom I fondly call Monster, is back home with us again. The end of July, beginning of August, after yet another fight with Flaco about the dog, I got pissed off and posted him on Craig’s List as “free to a good home” to prove to Flaco that no one would want a 3 year old dog (and I received a million emails about how I should not have done this because that is how animal hoarders get most of their animals or how people find “feeder” dogs for dog fighting). Toby is a beautiful dog – pure white (unless it has recently rained because he likes to play in the mud) with light blue eyes. I posted a picture of him and I received a lot of phone calls and emails. Toby is very friendly and loving (and huskies are generally more stand-offish). I didn’t want to give him up, but a couple contacted me, provided a referral (they got two huskies from this other woman) and even came to pick him up with their other two dogs. They seemed like a really nice couple. I cried my eyes out for days after Toby left. Even though he was a pain in the arse with his trash-eating, door handle jingling, paper towel shredding, sock burying, underwear chewing, need for constant attention ways – he was still a part of the family. I got some up-dates on Toby and by all reports he was doing well.
Then, out of the blue, last week I got a message on Facebook from the wife.
"Hi I'm the one who has Toby. I was just checking with you to see if you could take him back for a little til someone else could keep him. My husband git into trouble with the law last week is standing trial out of state. I am 15 weeks pregnant and he took all our money so I am going back to my parent who live overseas (they live in Turkey) to have the baby. I'm very sad to leave the dogs but I don't have another choice. I just wanted to check with you if you could take him I am looking everywhere for homes for my babies. It's just hard to rehome 3 siberian huskies in a week or so."
Seriously?! Is this for real? What could I say? No, I can’t take him back. So, I went to get him last Friday. Flaco is furious. He told me I could put another add on Craig’s List to get rid of the dog again. But, I was so happy to see Toby again!! And it felt so right for him to be home. Like a missing puzzle piece was finally back in place. Jackson (he’s one of the cats and Toby’s bff) was so happy to have his buddy back, he laid next to him and licked his ears. Even princess Canela (she is the dog I brought back from Nicaragua) was happy to see Monster again. But, Flaco warned that this was going to cause problems between us again because he hates the hair that Toby sheds. And he complains that our house is too small for two dogs and two cats.
This past weekend I went up to the farm to make cookies (we are a little crazy with our cookie making – we make at least 12 different kinds!) and my mom (who noticed my post of Toby’s return on Facebook) asked me what we were going to do with the dog. I explained how Flaco wants him gone again and how I am so happy to have him back. My mom and sister believe it would be best to have Toby find another new home because it might be too much for the baby we are hopefully getting soon. They worry about hair and dander (and I wonder if they doubt my housekeeping skills) in our small home. But, in my heart, I know that Toby deserves better than being bounced around just because he sheds a lot (and he does! Like pounds of hair every Fall and every Spring). And Monster loves kids! I worry more about Canela with small children because she gets scared and can be a little snippy (she is a smaller dog – about 30 pounds). I don’t know, I feel like the family is all back together again and I would hate to have to go through this all again. So, the quote above this post, is kind of how I feel about Toby. Maybe I will change my mind when he is shedding again (although a friend of mine suggested Omega 3 tablets to help with the shedding – she said it really works with her dogs).
We got our official letter of approval from CHOR on Saturday. The waiting has officially begun. I hate waiting. I am not a very patient wait-er. And, we are on the eve of our 3 year anniversary of when we began trying to start a family, so I think that makes the waiting even harder. We have been waiting for three years!!! In this amount of time, 16 babies have been born to friends/acquaintances!!!! SIXTEEN!!!!! And I know four pregnant women right now. It’s crazy! It’s actually kind of depressing to look at these numbers. Very soon, 20 children will have been born into this world and not a one has been born to me and Flaco. I know of one friend who is dealing with infertility right now. So, 20 out of 22 couples have been able to conceive and deliver babies (which I guess is actually pretty good odds, since one in six couples have infertility issues, as the national average). I must be careful that the old bitterness doesn’t creep back in.
I have been dreaming and day-dreaming about “our” baby. At random times throughout the day, I will think to myself how whatever I am doing at the time might change once we have a baby. I envision holding my baby at church, and what that might be like. I think about looking in my rearview mirror to see if the baby has fallen asleep on the drive home. I was thinking last night as I was drifting off to sleep that we will need to get a baby monitor because I will never sleep if I am worried I will not hear the baby cry. I was thinking that the “baby’s” room is so far from our bedroom (our house is tiny, but the baby’s room is the farthest room from our bedroom) and how I might just want the baby to sleep in our room until I feel more settled as a new mom. I think about what kinds of foods I will need to buy for the baby (if he or she is a little older like 2 or 3). When we were baking cookies, I thought about holding a baby on my lap as I decorated the cut-outs. Probably 23 of the 24 hours in a day I am thinking about “our” baby. I might be just a tad-bit obsessed. But, it is hard to not think about it. And I have modified my thoughts from including pregnancy and telling people about my pregnancy, to just simply having a baby plopped in my arms. But, I still think a lot about a baby and how our lives will change. I am anxious for the baby to be here, but I might need to wait for a long time. So, I try to put all my thoughts out into the future. I pray every day that God will guide our baby to us – the baby He means for us to have.
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