Bubble Popping

During our stint in quarantine, Chica Marie has had a lot of emotions regarding adoption and her biological family come up. A few weeks ago, after asking why she was adopted, she attempted to run away. She even climbed out her bedroom window (which is above the basement door and about 8 feet off the ground). She has been showing some signs of prepubescent changes, so I don't know how much hormones might be starting to play into the mental health. I am desperate for us to strengthen our connection before puberty hits because right now we struggle. Next week Love Bug will go to daycare for 3 hours per day. Chica Marie will stay home and work with her therapists to try to tease out some of the things she simply will not talk about but seem to cause her the most anguish. Last week during play therapy with her therapist she revealed she trusts me a lot more than her bio mom. At one point, the doll family invited bio mom to live with them but quickly asked her to leave because she was being inappropriate. I suppose, it's because she trusts me that she pushes me away so hard. I am hoping we can make more headway with some one-on-one therapy with her as our little bubble of family intimacy is popping. Chica Marie will attend daycare for half-days with Love Bug the last week of June and then full days when I am back at work in July.


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New Normal

I will be returning to work starting July 6th. I mean, I've been working from home since before the stay at home order started. But, we are hoping our county will move to green soon (we just moved to yellow this past Friday) and therefore it will be time to physically return to work. In the beginning I was very anxious to get back to work. Now, somehow I flipped and do not want to return to work at all. I don't know at what point this happened, but here we are now. Regardless, I will need to return to work, if I like to keep eating and paying for all the stuff I keep buying online. Unfortunately, the powers that be, who had been cooking up a plan to change our working hours prior to the whole pandemic quarantine thing, have used this as an opportunity to push their agenda. For 10 years I have worked from 8:30 - 4:30 Monday through Friday. Now, we are being asked to extend our hours to be open from 8 am to 8 pm Monday through Thursday and Friday from 8 am to 4 pm. Oh, and Saturday from 9 am to 11 am. What the actual fuck? I understand the need to be open later hours for folks who work second shift (although, you would think 20 years ago when they created the job centers nationally, they could have considered this?), but this makes things harder. We have been home, working and doing the best we can, trying to make it through all of this and now, as we are figuring out how to open things up, we get slammed with some big new change. As I contemplated how to make this work for my family, it made me more and more angry. I need my job, but I did not sign up for this and these hours were going to be hell on my family. At one point my supervisor mentioned my coworker (who is the lowest in seniority and by union rules, should have the last choice on new hours) had custody of her kids 60% of the time and therefore couldn't work Monday evenings. I lost my shit. I didn't yell, but I emphatically told my supervisor, "I completely understand. I have custody of my children 100% of the time. So, I am not trying to be unsympathetic to the needs of the team, but these extended hours are a real hardship for me and my family. And, if this is going to be an indefinite change, I need to brush up my resume and consider other options. I need to do what is best for my family." My coworker friend will be taking a promotion to another job when we return to work, so I know it scared my supervisor, to think of losing two of the career advisors who know their jobs and do them well. Eventually, it was worked out that I would work from home on Monday's and work from 8 am to 4 pm Monday through Friday. This schedule works until the kids go back to school. And then I will need to either see if the daycare can take them to school in the morning or hope and pray the powers that be revert back to our normal hours. My supervisor promised the board would "take a look" at the data to see if the extended hours are needed. I don't know if I believe they will actually consider the data, since it was already on their agenda. Thus far, I am not enjoying this "new normal."

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Mental Health Break

I know we are staying home to "flatten the curve" and slow the spread of the virus. I know we are practicing social distancing and wearing masks for the more vulnerable, those susceptible to not only becoming sick but to having a harder time fighting off the virus. I know these things. But, the mental health toll the quarantine is having on me and my family has become a greater worry for me. I know I have gone through a lot of barrel rolls emotionally since being sent home from work on March 17th. I know my children have experienced the same tumultuous roller coaster emotionally. They were sent home from school with the promise of returning in a few weeks. Without getting a chance to say good-bye to their friends or teachers, they were told school would not resume this school year. They had to adjust to learning online, seeing their teachers and friends on Zoom calls or via videos and pictures. We continued therapy sessions, but this too was via a Zoom call and not in person. Their world narrowed to no physical contact with friends or family outside of our home. And then the playgrounds were closed. The kids had to get used to mom working from home and hushing them during work calls. They quickly bored with playing in their own backyard and walks were exciting but also got boring when we kept going to the same place (because I was not sure what was open and what the mask requirements were of other places). The few times we have gone out as a family, the kids had to wear masks, which caused sensory issues and heightened their anxiety. For my Love Bug, the anxiety has caused him to fear weather events and separation from me. For Chica Marie, her focus has been on adoption and missing her family of origin. The rate of tantrums, sibling fights, crying or yelling spells has increased in duration and intensity. This past weekend Chica Marie tried running away from home. We are cracking, we are breaking. And I have gotten to the point where I feel the damage done mentally to my family might outweigh the good we did staying home. 

My state is working through three levels of quarantine. Each county is broken down into a red (stay home, most restrictive), yellow (cautiously opening some businesses) and green (least restrictive yet still not back to pre-quarantine society) category. My county is currently in red but moving to yellow on June 4th. Other counties are already in green as of last week, with more joining green the end of this week. I can hardly keep track of what is open, what we are "allowed" to do and if or when it will be happening. I am not returning to the office while we are under yellow status. I am not sure how low our numbers (of new COVID cases) need to go to get us into green or how long that might take. My supervisor is saying he doesn't think we will be back in the office until July. Our daycare is opening next week, our local pool is not opening at all this year. Primero has no idea when he will be able to return to work. I need to create a re-entry strategy for Love Bug because going back to daycare and being away from me will be hard for him. I am hoping to have enough notice from work to do that. 

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Better Not Being Alone

In the beginning of the quarantine I debated with myself if I was better off having the kids here with me or if I would have been better off alone. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I was happier with the kids being here, even if they drove me bonkers with their demands and incessant fighting. I wasn't alone and lonely. I was talking to a friend on messenger last night about and issue with my neighbors (possible domestic violence issues). I asked how she was doing and she said, since she is working her kids have to be with their fathers and it hurts so much to not be with her kids, especially since her daughter is only 10 months old. But, she needs to keep them safe, so she is making the sacrifice. Reading what she wrote made me feel so sad and grateful once again to be home with my kids. Even during our difficult times.


Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Posting Once Again

I don't know why I stopped writing. It's not like I didn't need this space or found a better way of working through things. Maybe I just got tired? In any event, I am not utterly abandoning this space and want to return and make the time to continue writing about the struggles and the beauty of adoption and infertility.

We have had endured some challenging times during this extended lockdown. The last Wednesday in April I got so upset (at something rather trivial) I left the house for two hours. I just walked out sobbing and drove around sobbing until somehow I found my way back home. Only, I didn't want to go home. I needed two friends to talk me into going home. In the end, I only returned because I needed to use the bathroom (and had no mask to use a public restroom) and needed to charge my phone. I hid in my bedroom until it was time to make dinner. The day ended with all four of us making dinner together and all was right with the world.

The children have been doing zoom calls for therapy. I have been doing therapy over the phone, as has Primero and my women's empowerment group has been meeting via Zoom as well. I hide in my van, since there really is no privacy in my house. Primero sits with the kids, reluctantly. He is not working (arcade places are not essential).

The things we are doing well:

1. Taking time outside (when it is not raining)
2. Not worrying too much about school or work and stopping those activities by dinnertime.
3. Trying to stay in touch (the kids have been video chatting with their family)
4. Spending quality time together (we developed a "mom night" for the kids, where they take turns staying up with me while their sibling goes to bed - to give them each some one-on-one time with me and break from one another)
5. Staying home
6. Trying new things

Things we could improve:

1. Primero could spend more time with the people living in this home and less time with the virtual people
2. Anxiety (especially for Love Bug)
3. Primero spent the night with his sister-in-law this past weekend
4. Having a little more grace with one another
5. We could be doing a little more school work the teachers have worked so hard on sending to us
6. Mom could have a little more patience. Ok, we all could.





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The Quarantine Life

Today is day four. As of right now, my estimated return-to-work date is March 31st. But, we were instructed to bring home a month worth of work. I dreaded this as the dominos began falling last week. First, the schools closed for two weeks. We suspended in-person orientations at work and were given permission to telework for the counties already affected by closures. Then Monday the governor issued closures for all non-essential employees. We were being forced to work from home. Our daycare declared they would stay open unless or until the CDC forced them to close. That came Monday evening. Tuesday morning I had some last minute loose ends to wrap up at work. Primero reluctantly stayed with the kids but I was home before lunchtime. Our quarantine had begun. I took Tuesday afternoon to work out a schedule for me and the little ones. They need structure now more than ever. I quickly decided we would keep our week-day sleep schedule; up at 7:30 am (I am usually up earlier, but I will be ok when it is time to go back) and to bed by 8:30 pm (11 for me). I try to focus the kids on some form of school work in the morning. I don't push for too much, just a little bit to engage their minds. We've watched a lot of educational videos about all kinds of random things, from the Titanic to asteroids, sharks, spiders, camels, and trains (of course). I have a lot of goals for myself to accomplish, one of them being a deep clean of the house. And getting caught up on all kinds of things. But, I still have to work. And trying to keep the kids occupied is a full-time endeavor. We picked up learning packets from school today (they are handing out free lunches and breakfasts for a few hours each day - we go mostly so the kids can have some form of connection to the school and to see staff they miss). I have to make a plan for next week. This is not a vacation! And there are rumors of the kids not returning to school at all (I guess that has happened in other states)! I truly hope that is not the case because I have no idea what I will do. Two weeks is about all I can handle! There are also rumors of the quarantine lasting longer than two weeks. I sincerely hope that is not the case. Yesterday our governor basically shut down the whole state. All business except those considered life critical, are being forced to close or face fines. I am trying to not focus too much on the greater implications to all of this. I need to focus on just keeping us all going and not losing it to a total mutiny. This is not easy!

New Decade

Sometime just before the new year began, I realized this is the start of a new decade. I guess I knew, but I didn’t gutturally know; the deep, feeling knowing. I usually reflect over the last year as the calendar closes in on the new year. But, this year I thought about the last decade. Ten years ago I was still married. Ten years ago I thought I could get pregnant. Ten years ago I was such a different person than I am right now. The last ten years have definitely been the hardest of my life. I lost my marriage and hope of a biological child. I lost the idea of how I thought my life would go, how I thought things would be. But, the last ten years also brought me to motherhood. It made me stronger, it made me think more and dream a little less. I started writing a new story from the one I envisioned in 2010. In the next ten years I am hoping to find more balance and less-hardship. But, if the last ten years has taught me nothing else, no matter what I will get through the bad and there will always be good.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.