Monday, January 17, 2011

I see babies - they're everywhere

I have heard that just because you think you are seeing more babies when you are trying to conceive, does not mean there are actually more babies around you; you simply notice them more due to your current situation. Well, this might be true. But, then there is reality. In the two years my husband and I have been trying to conceive, 13+ women have had babies. These are women I know either as a simple acquittance or a close friend. Initially, I was excited for these women. "Oh, wow! That's great! Ooo!! Oh, I bet I am next!" Eventually, I became more alarmed at my barren womb and less excited to hear about another woman getting what I wanted with all my heart. "She is pregnant?! What?!? Why not me?!" Now, it is to the point that the pain (if I let it) sinks me into a two day self-pity funk. I feel like (most days) I am in a better place emotionally when it comes to the landmines of everyday life and procreating. I feel like I have come to terms a bit more with being fertility challenged. Maybe this is because the cursed poison (aka Clomid) is no longer coursing through my veins. But, mostly I believe it comes from my slight acceptance of the fact that my plans are not yet God's plans (i.e. I will not be having my first child before I am 30 as I had planned). Yet, sometimes when I am weak, when the near-impenetrable fortress I have built around my heart slips a bit,  I find myself sobbing at diaper commercials, tearing up over the Clear Blue Easy commercial, crying at the sight of a daddy holding his precious baby. Just like a poisoned-tip arrow, these otherwise simple events shoot straight to my heart and burying an evil burr of jealousy. These are the things I have learned about myself that I don't particularly like. I should be unaffected. I should be grounded in my simple belief of the Lord's will working in my life. I should realize that "it will happen" if I "stop trying" or "just relax". But, I can't yet. I am working to be stronger and change the things in myself that I do not like. And, someday I will look back on this time and see how far I have come . . .
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1 comment:

  1. Aramelle {One Wheeler's World}January 24, 2011 at 1:40 PM

    I believe it's true that we all have our "some day" where we do, in fact, look back and see how far we've come. But that doesn't mean that the journey there isn't still going to have been a painful one.

    Pregnancy announcements can be incredibly difficult. In my experience, there are some days that are better than others. The hardest for me, personally, was when one friend "lapped" me (had two kiddos during the time we were struggling for one).

    Just know that it's totally normal. You shouldn't be unaffected. You should let yourself feel whatever you feel in the moment. You should come to your blog and vent when you need to. You should reach out to those in this community who understand how you feel and can support you along the way. And don't allow your emotions to make you feel guilty.

    Aramelle
    http://the-wheeler-family.net/aramelle_blog/

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