Dispassionate Confusion

You know when there is something that is so incredibly important to you that you imagine (sometimes falsely) that it is equally important to everyone else? And it's so crushing when you find out the thing that occupies nearly every waking thought and many, many dreams is simply a nonissue to everyone else. Well, this is how I have been feeling lately. While at work last Wednesday, I got a call from CHOR but could not answer my phone. The message stated there was a potential legal risk placement, so I called right back and mass confusion ensued. First, the person who had just left the message for me thought I was someone else and she began talking about what my agency needed. I was so confused but soon she realized her mistake. Then, after she told me about the potential legal risk case (17 month old twins, boy and girl – how perfect!) and I said yes, I asked her about the two other cases I’m waiting to hear about. Two different sets of sisters. She thought I was not interested. She thought I told her both sets were too old. I thought I had told her I was interested in both, even though one set was older than I would have liked I said their picture was too cute to say no. She had heard about the younger set of sisters but had not called me because she thought I said I was not interested. She had their profile but didn’t think there was time for me to come in and read it because the county was getting ready to start making their decision and she was going to be busy the rest of the week. Eventually, she did find someone to sit with me while I read the profile last Thursday afternoon. But, all I could think about during this conversation was that I missed out on the chance of getting a placement because someone was confused (or over-worked) and had not clarified their confusion. I have had this little niggling worry in the back of my mind that I was being forgotten and now my worst fear seems to be confirmed. I’m just lost in the shuffle. And we are not talking about tiddlywinks here, we are talking about a very important event – becoming a mother by adopting a baby! This isn’t like, oh I misplaced the hat you let me borrow or I lost your favorite CD, it’s much, much bigger than that. And yet, it seems that it’s being handled as if it were a run-of-the mill kind of situation. I’m being over-critical, I know. I’m projecting my feelings of frustration into this whole scenario. But, it does make me wonder if I ever will get to adopt, since things are not being as aggressively pursued as I would like them to be. So, as you might expect, I am not holding out much hope for any of the above mentioned placements. And I’ve said that in the past yet still filed the idea away into a hopeful section of my brain. Now, I’m fairly dispassionate about the whole thing. I want to be positive, but I think in order to not lose my mind, I just decide not to think too much about any placement in particular because then I start to imagine how it will be to meet them and before I know it my heart is breaking. It’s hard not to picture the children from the placement call or email in my home. Almost immediately, my mind begins working and my imagination takes over and before long I’ve watched them grow and leave home, all in one fantastic daydream. But, too soon the vision fades and hope is lost as no news is forthcoming and a new placement supersedes the old. I am reminded again and again - adoption is not for the faint of heart!

 

The profile I read last Thursday was again one of great sadness at what such young children must endure and how it is seemingly impossible for people to break the cycle of poverty and poor parenting. There were some issues but nothing that seemed too much for me to handle. The placement is through Berks County, so I’m fairly certain I will not be chosen for the interview process. I don’t know how long BCCYS holds a grudge, but I’m fairly certain my name is still on “the list” and will be immediately dismissed. Maybe that’s just the pessimist in me talking. I noticed the other set of sisters have been added to the SWAN website and they too are from Berks. I am still contemplating contacting the adoption coordinator to tell her I would consider adopting them and at least get a chance to read their profile. But, I haven’t totally decided on that yet, because the youngest is at the age of my highest limit and the older girl is older than that. I will pray about it. The greatest hope I have is for the twins because they are from a different county, although there is the potential for a kinship situation to develop – which is scary. I do think it would be simply perfect to have a girl and a boy (a son and a daughter – you know I never say that, not even to myself) and they are still so young one would hope they have not had to endure as much as the older children. I don’t let myself think about how perfect it would be to have them moved with me before Christmas. I have very little hope that this Christmas will be any different from any other past Christmas’ – childless.

 

You see, last year the Grinch stole Christmas. I was miserable and I just wanted the holidays to be over with as little fanfare as possible. In reality, I love the holiday season and I love fanfare as well. So, I was uncharacteristically Scrooge-like last year. This year, I think I’ve tried to make up for my previous miserly mindset by going all out Christmas. I started outside. Never have I ever hung Christmas lights until a few weeks ago. And then I nearly died while hanging one strand of icicle lights along the front of my house. First, I tried the step stool but I couldn’t reach the spouting from under the eaves of the porch. So, then I got the ladder I have in my basement but realized I would need to lean it against something, since it does not stand on it’s on. This led to a perilous balancing act as I climbed atop the precariously perched ladder then leaned back to strap on the little plastic clip holding the lights. Quite a feat! I survived this ordeal and moved on the putting up some garland around the door and on the railing. Once this was accomplished it was off to find a Christmas tree. My eyes got a little misty picking out a tree all by myself, but I focused on trying to find a small tree. Small tree. I need a small tree for my small house. The problem is I love the BIG FAT trees, the fatter the better. I found a nice tree, had it loaded in the trunk of my car and even managed to lug it into the house and plop it on the tree stand all by myself! Christmas decorating is awful hard work! I did at one point consider giving up and not decorating again because it was taking me forever and I was getting frustrated with how difficult it was to do alone. But, instead I powered through it.  I found a lot of forgotten decorations in the basement and proceeded to drench the house in Christmas garb – candles, Santas, stockings, a table cloth and table runner, even hot pads and tea towels! The next night I decorated the tree only after discovering that the half of both of the two strands of lights for the tree don’t work. I just made sure those areas were in the back of the tree – the big, fat tree that takes up half of my living room! I had to move my couch and two end tables until they were almost blocking the front door to make room for the tree and half of it is still shoved into my bookshelf. Who cares? I like it and since I’m the only one seeing it, that’s all that matters. That same night in the snow, I rigged up some more lights in a box in front of the house (it looks kinda country) and I added the last touch of red bows with fresh greens. The best part? When I open my front door I am greeted with the delirious fragrance of my Christmas tree! So take that Mr. Grinch!

 

In other unrelated news, Montana came over Friday night two weeks ago after I invited him on a whim. It was a cold and rainy night. He had mentioned something earlier in the day via text that the weather made it a good day to watch a movie and cuddle on the couch. So that is what I invited him to do. It was nice and simple. We watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  He had never seen it, I love it, and we didn’t feel like running to the Red Box to find something new. Since it was a short movie, we turned on the TV and watched some shows on HGTV while chatting and holding hands. It’s strange to be back at that stage again, but it’s good to move slow. At least I know he is very respectful and certainly not pushy. I just hope he’s not too vanilla. But, I suppose that’s just the fear creeping in again. I guess I just worry that the one thing Flaco was always good at, this new relationship won’t be able to deliver. I’m putting the cart before the horse and comparing apples to oranges, I suppose. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer. I wish I could just let go and jump into this with abandon, but I think those carefree days are well behind me. At every step I feel myself holding back, just a little something, a little kernel of myself. I have relationship PTSD – I think every noise is the end raining down upon me again. I fear every eyebrow raise is a decision to walk out, every contradicting opinion is a step towards dissolution, that every good bye is forever. Wednesday night we went out to see Christmas lights and then came home to my house for homemade cocoa (my mom’s family’s recipe). We talked for a little while and then kissed for a little while. And there is still something that keeps bugging me. Something I cannot put my finger on. I guess it is fear. I’m having a hard time keeping Flaco out of things in my mind – I hate to call it comparing, but I guess that’s what it is. I never really had any other relationship other than Flaco and I know I can’t expect things to be the same, but there is something missing. I tried to explain to a friend that when we were kissing there was no spark, no tingle. For all the time I was with Flaco there was always a spark, that special little feeling when our lips met. I keep telling myself it just takes time and that eventually it will develop, but I worry. I hate the awkwardness of meeting someone new and doing that stupid courting dance. I like things to feel comfortable between us, but we are not there yet. My friend admonished me to move slow and I think that I am and I am not trying to move things along, it’s just something is bugging me and I just can’t shake that feeling. I keep praying for complete healing in this area because I have come too far to give up at this point. When I start to worry or second guess things, I just tell myself that slow and steady wins the race – it’s good to move slowly. What I really need to do is stop thinking, or stop thinking so critically. Why must life be so complicated? Why must I be suspicious of someone who is kind and has a lot of the same values and interests as me yet pine for what could have been with someone who never really loved me and could callously walk away from me like I am nothing? I’m afraid I will screw things up and end up alone the rest of my life. I was so willing to compromise for Flaco and now I find I am rigid in my demands for perfection – how did this happen? When did this happen? I know why it happened – he left. My friend says she would rather be with someone who is kind and wants to be with her than to be with someone where there are sparks. I said, why can’t you have both? I think I settled too quickly the first time around and I am not so willing to do that a second time. Isn’t it true that the only things certain in life are death and taxes? There is no such thing as a sure thing, so I just need to let it be what it will be. One step at a time…..