Know When to Fold 'em

I won’t be getting the baby tomorrow (Friday). The hospital won’t release him until Monday, at the earliest. At this point, the county has not been able to check out the presenting relative, due to the holiday. The county won’t be able to tell CHOR anything until Monday. So, they might decide to send the baby home with his aunt and I won’t ever meet him, or hold him. I did find out his name. Not that it matters. I haven’t quite figured out how so much happiness and joy can turn into such bitter sorrow. I can’t keep my life on pause, so I’m going to move forward and chalk this up to a very hard lesson learned very well – NEVER, ever, ever, ever get your hopes up until the baby is in your arms and the judge has signed the adoption paperwork. I guess I can pack things back up, tuck them away for another call, another day. Maybe…. Perhaps I’m being as brash now in giving up as I was in rushing out to get the things I thought I would need. It’s unfortunate, but I’ve already given up and let go of the dream of getting this baby. Why hang onto hope when evidence points to more heart break? Unfortunately, while I HATE when people tell me there will always be another placement, because that means there will be another child in need, there will be other placements. I get stuck on one placement and I have a hard time moving past it. I wanted this baby, I felt such love for him without ever meeting him. That’s why having a bassinet set up in my bedroom and remain empty is too much for me to bear. And the empty car seat should not continue joy riding in the back of my car, so it shall be returned to the basement. I have baby clothing to return and I have to shove the baby tub back under my bed (it’s a pain in the neck tripping over it in the bathroom). I would rather never hold this baby, never kiss his sweet face, than have him come home to me only to have to turn right around and give him away to a relative. Never seeing him is the lesser of two evils. So, I will go back to waiting. Waiting to hear about the other two placements. Waiting for another phone call. Trying to dig deep and find some hope in God’s plan. Right now, I don’t really agree with His plan. Right now, it seems cruel to have this happen on top of everything else I have endured these last 5 years. The Bible tells us God has a good plan for our lives, to prosper us not to harm us, to give us hope and a future. This is not how I feel right now. I feel defeated, hopeless, broken, and lost. How does this roller coaster ride of high highs and low lows help me? It certainly does not give me hope. I have to dig real deep and find my mantra of “I trust You God, I trust Your plan” because let me tell you something, it’s not coming to me easy right now. I’m beginning to wonder if God’s trying to tell me to give it up already. Just stop. Know when to fold ‘em Chica. Know when to walk away…….