Maybe Good News?

So, I think I got some good news Wednesday. But, it seems things are still confused with the multiple cases that have been recommended to me. Last week I read the profiles for two young sisters from Berks. The day before I had been called regarding twins from a different county. The email I was sent Wednesday was under the names of the two girls but mentioned the other county and twins. The email said the county was requesting my family profile, which I took as good news. I know that county’s collect family profiles like they are going out of style and then narrow things down,  interview a few and finally make a decision all the while potentially already having an idea of who they would choose from the get-go. It’s a rather disheartening process. I have developed a mantra in my mind, whenever I feel myself getting jealous or upset – “I trust You God. I trust You have a good plan for my life.” I must have said this a thousand times at the CHOR Christmas party Tuesday night. The family who had my last two foster kids before me were at the party with a 3 month old infant girl. Almost as soon as I saw them come in I started to bristle under “it’s-not-fair” mentality. So, I initiated my mantra, to assure myself that my time will come. The side effect is that I have now latched onto the idea of these twins – a girl and a boy – because it would be so “perfect” for me. Sometimes I make myself stop and think that the child(ren) I adopt now do not have to be the only child(ren) I adopt. I can decide, in a few years, that I would like to adopt again or perhaps I could save and adopt through a private agency to avoid the pitfalls of foster care (not that I think private adoption is without risk and heartache because I have read enough horror stories to know better than that!). But, this is how it happens. I hear about a potential placement and then I get hung up on it, imagining just how wonderful it would be for that child(ren) to move into my house and all the things we will do, all the places we will go. And before long I’m left broken hearted because I never hear anything about the child(ren) and so must assume they went somewhere else or I am told the county chose another family. But, someone has to choose me eventually, right? I mean, if I wasn’t suitable parent material I would not have passed all the pre-adoption tests, would I? I have been a good foster mother. The children in my care are always well-fed, clean, and using good manners (or at least being taught how to); they are loved and I always, always try my hardest to do what is best for them. We do a lot of things together and they are involved in my life and I am involved in their lives. They are treated as family, just as I imagine I would treat my own children. My home is clean and warm and I have plenty of age appropriate toys, books, and DVDs. And every now and again, I need to remind myself of all of that because hearing that the county has chosen a different family or never even being chosen for the interview is demoralizing. I know I have a lot to offer a child(ren) but it seems like I might be the only person to recognize the potential. I shouldn’t say that because the woman who wrote my family profile gave me a glowing report and the friends she spoke to reiterated what a lovely mother I would be should I ever be so lucky to be given the opportunity. My home has been empty for nearly 3 months now and I have grown accustomed to having a lot of time to myself. I’ve kept busy with a writing class and dating (I despise this word nearly as much as I despise the word “boyfriend.”). I’ve taken two bus trips to New York City and spent most Saturday’s out of the house doing something. Most days I am content with the life I have right now. But, other times I long for what I feel is missing. I don’t let myself dwell on it, like I have in the past, but I’m still pretty bummed that life didn’t quite turn out how I would have liked it to. It was not in my plan to be 32 and separated, dating, and childless. I wonder if anyone’s life really turns out just as they had imagined? I would hazard to guess not, but sometimes it seems like everyone else is getting just what they want while my hands remain empty. I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I’m thinking this could be the last holiday season I spend without my child(ren). And this might sound crazy, but I think I’m more excited about not being childless than I am about the prospect of being a “we” again.

 

Since I brought it up I might as well share my epiphany regarding Montana. I had mentioned before that there is something bugging me that I cannot quite identify. I think I know what is it – attraction. That is the missing spark – there seems to be a lack of chemistry. I talked in depth about this with my roommate from college who came to visit over the weekend. She recommended I cut my losses and move on. But, I don’t think I’m quite ready to do that just yet. There are a whole lotta things that I like about Montana – he is very kind and sweet, he’s a gentleman, a Christian, cares about his family, he’s attentive, he supports the whole foster-to-adopt thing, he’s a farm boy, and he loves to travel. All very attractive traits. And, as another friend suggested, sometimes it takes time for the spark/attraction to develop. I conceded to her recommendation that I give it some time, if for no other reason than I was so hurt and I am still healing. Unfortunately, I have already began pulling away, closing up shop, if you will. And unfortunately, he sensed that and has gotten a little clingy. We have both been busy this week and have not had time to see one another. Last night we went dancing with my friend from work and her husband. A local hotel holds Latin Dance nights on Thursdays and she’s been inviting me to go but I couldn’t because I had my writing class Thursday nights. So, last night we went. There was a communication issue when I attempted to invite Montana – he basically thought I was asking for permission to go which pissed me off to no end. I’m a grown ass woman, I don’t need to ask anyone’s permission to go out with my friends! I chalked it up to misreading a text message and have tried to forget about the whole thing. We had a nice time, but Montana was getting over a cold and I know he felt out of place – a PA Dutchy amongst all the lovely Latinos. I guess the only reason I fit in is because of my time in Nicaragua and from being married to Flaco. I bumped into a blast from the past and we danced one salsa dance. I danced with Montana once too and spent the rest of the time on the dance floor with my friend and her friends. It was nice. Montana made mention of me being so busy this week and not texting a lot. Enter huge sigh. We text daily and I’m good about getting at least one text out per day, but sometimes that’s all I can manage. I text a lot but I don’t want to get to the point where my phone is like my right hand and it’s all I can do – an addiction. So, this is the clingy part that is starting to get under my skin. And it’s kinda contradictory. I asked him how he wanted me to introduce him last night (this was the first time either one us has met friends of the other) and he suggested as a “friend” or as a “special friend.” Ok, well I only say “special friend” in quotations when I’m being sarcastic, so that’s out. And, here’s the thing with “friend” – I don’t tend to make out with my friends (some of you are heaving a huge sigh of relief right now!), so it seems like it’s not very descriptive of our situation. I know I have documented how much I loathe the term “boyfriend” but what else do you call the person you see on a regular basis and kiss and hold hands? So, yes it is strange that he doesn’t consider us boyfriend/girlfriend yet he wants to be sure I have enough time to text him every day……  He thinks we need to have a discussion about the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I guess to him that term carries more weight than it does for me. I’m rather flippant about the word “boyfriend” and would use it to describe anyone I was having semi-romantic interactions with on a semi-regular basis. I don’t relish having this conversation because I highly doubt I will be able to take it as seriously as he does. I will most likely be blunt to the point I am harsh – look, either we are or we are not and if are not, then maybe it is time to move on. I’m finding this whole thing is starting to work on my nerves. It’s almost like, as much as I miss the tenderness and intimacy of a romantic relationship, I am not willing to put up with all the politics of dating to get to that point.

 

So, to summarize, it seems like things are moving ahead but they might just be stagnant – both motherhood and romantic relationship. It’s odd because I’m so good at finding the greatest friends, people who are genuine, kind, loyal, and caring. Truly, I have some of the greatest friendships a gal could ask for! Yet, when it comes to romantic relationships I suck at making a good match. Why is this? Maybe, instead of looking for a romantic relationship I should look for a new friend….. I’ll just go back to my mantra now and pray for the best…….