Not Meant to Be

Why this wasn’t meant to be is something I cannot comprehend. Not even a little bit. “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” I dread returning the baby clothing that was bought in such elation. I will dutifully put the basinet and car seat back in the basement and try not to think too much about the implication of storing useless furniture. The baby clothing I washed and put in the baby dresser can stay where it is – I have no immediate need for the space in the drawers and perhaps the clothing will be needed before too long. The pain will recede and soon I will be thinking about another baby from another phone call or email. This is the life of a foster-to-adopt parent. The family worker told me the county is going to have a hearing in 30 days and that if things are not going according to the safety plan the baby might go into care. How f-ing ignorant! Why does there need to be a safety plan if this person is the right choice, the best option? It’s just what I expected to hear, only it sucks hearing it.

 

A friend told me today that, in her experience, you just need to live your life and be happy and then things will happen for you. Her story is that when she decided she wanted to have kids her husband decided he didn’t (even though they had both agreed they did want kids before they got married) and so for 5 years they battled over this life altering decision until he relented (after she moved out) and they are now expecting a second (accidental) child. She wondered if I was happy with my life as it is right now. I wouldn’t say I am unhappy with my life in general. Am I happy right now? Well, no. But, that’s just because of this whole “you’re getting a baby!” “no you’re not, his aunt has shown up ” situation. I do wish things were different in my life, not just because I don’t have a child. I wish things didn’t happen the way they did with Flaco (and sometimes I wish I had never married him!). I wish I (we) had made better financial decisions so I wouldn’t be where I am financially. I would say there is a general level of discontent due to the upheaval I experienced in 2012, but I’m not depressed or miserable or even generally unhappy. I’m just kind of stuck. I have done things for me – I took a writing course and I’m contemplating taking another. I’ve gone on three bus trips this year and I’ve completed two furniture projects with more ideas in the works. I did much better with my flower garden this year and have plans for more things next year. I guess I would say I feel like there is something missing in my life, even when I am happy. I’ve adjusted to living alone and to being unattached. I’m trying to date ( we are officially considered boyfriend and girlfriend now – there was a long discussion about this when we went out Saturday night) and stay busy. Do I wish things were different? Yes, I do. But, I have come to accept the things I cannot change, no matter how much I don’t like them. Am I happy today? No, not really. I’m upset about what happened with first getting a baby and then not.   

 

Tomorrow is another day. The last day of the year, in fact. 2013 was a marked improvement from 2012, but still full of ups and downs, with one final downer at the end. But, there will be other placements, why get so hung up on this one? I am giving myself a cut-off date because I cannot live life like this indefinitely. If I do not have an adoption placement by this time next year, I am done. I am giving myself the next year, 2014, and if I don’t get a placement that is moving towards permanency, then I am going to stop. And I don’t mean this like other deadlines I have given myself, I just need to see an end in sight. Maybe I will stop and just take a break or maybe I will stop for good, but I can’t keep living this way. I’m sure this constant up and down is not good for me and I don’t think it can go on forever. So, if things don’t happen in 2014 like I’m hoping they do, I will be biding motherhood adieu this time next year…….