Just Another Heartache

I should know better, you think I would by now..... Nothing is more tenuous than a potential foster care placement. I called CHOR this morning, like I was supposed to and I even waited an extra 8 minutes (just so I wouldn't be calling at exactly 9:30). The baby had a episode over the weekend - apnea - and so the earliest he can be discharged is Friday. Bummer. Even worse? An aunt has shown up as a resource, which is foster care speak for, he could never be mine. That's the risk in legal risk. And the only thing worse than that is that my mom went crazy and bought outfits and blankets and I washed most of it and, although I don't know his name or even if he has one (I'm assuming he does), I had decided on a name for him and I washed two loads of baby clothes, washed and sterilized bottles, took off work (and made a huge mess of things in the process), I have the bassinet all set up, the diaper bag all packed, the car seat strapped in my car, I did my last minute Christmas shopping yesterday...... In other words, I was prepared and so incredibly excited and now here I sit. And there's an aunt. My perfect Christmas miracle is now just another heartache. I should have known better, really I should have........

And I hate how unemotional the case worker was - she's my family worker after all! I'm not asking for her to shed a tear, but maybe a "hey, I know it sucks, I know you must be disappointed." I can't ever let them know how I truly feel. I can't let them know how excited I am or how disappointed, nothing. I have to be an emotionally detached robot, just rolling with the punches. Don't crack a smile, don't shed a tear. She did wish me a Merry Christmas, after stealing all my joy like a proper Scrooge.

I haven't been able to sleep all weekend because I have been so excited. I woke up Saturday morning and it was like I was a kid again and it was Christmas morning! I couldn't wait to open my eyes! I pinched myself to be sure it all wasn't just a dream! Now, I look at the baby stuff and I cry. I was preparing the cloth diapers when I made the call and now they sit in disarray and I can't bring myself to touch them. I should keep the faith! This is just a small hiccup, right? Things could still work out in my favor (I say selfishly), right? I mean, I should still be picking him up Friday - at least I think so.... I won't know anything until Thursday, which is still another 3 days away. Surely, God would not let things go this far only to yank the baby away from me, right? He must just be working out the kinks, right? God has a good plan, I trust You God, I know You have a good plan for me and for the baby. Give me the peace to endure this trial, Lord........