Same Old, Same Old

I am sad. But, at the same time there is a feeling of sameness. I’ve been here before, have I not? This is not a new pain to me, it is the same old pain that has been a specter in my life for the last 5 years. And yes, I know there will be other placements, but when a friend told me this morning “there will be others” I couldn’t help but wonder if she would offer the same flippant response to a woman grieving a miscarriage? In reality this baby was never mine, but in my heart he was. The pain of losing him is no less real because I never “had” him. I suppose I should not pontificate on things I know nothing about – I have never experienced the heartbreak of a miscarriage, but I can imagine how painful it must be, knowing how I feel after losing a placement that was never mine. I know I am speaking as if everything is already a done deal when in fact it is not. I suppose there is some slim chance this aunt is a hot mess incapable of caring for this beautiful baby boy. I should remain hopeful and positive. I was reading a Bible study this morning that was talking about giving our worries and burdens to God, just giving up trying to figure things out and trying to make things happen and just trust God to take care of us. I want to be able to do that and get the peace that supposedly comes with placing your burden in God’s hands. But, I can’t. I just can’t give it up and say, “You handle it” because I fear He will decide I’m not worthy or that His plan is for me to wait longer or never become a mother at all. I fear He won’t give me what I want and so I fight for it. Unfortunately, I’m pretty darn stubborn about it. I guess I find it hard to believe that I could possibly get what I have been striving to have for so long (on the surface 5 years doesn’t seem like a long time, but in this battle it sure does!). I don’t want to remain childless for the rest of my life and I don’t want to wait until I find someone before I become a mother. But, if I am fighting God’s will, I’m just spinning my tires. I don’t know what to do. I know there is an insatiable urge within my heart to become a mother. I have always wanted to be a mother and I did the responsible thing. I got married, bought a house, saved some money and then decided it was time to try to start a family. And once I started there seems to be no way to go back. I can’t stop. A switch has been flipped and cannot be turned off, I cannot stop doing all I can do to become a mother. If this is such a big burning desire in my heart, how can it not be part of God’s will to let me become a mother? I want to be humble and submit to God’s will, but I want His will to be mine. I have been told God is in control and God has a plan and I believe that (most days) but at face value things seem pretty messed up right now and too scrambled to be part of any plan. Obviously, I cannot see how all these things fit together and I cannot see the end results, but I could see how perfect it would have been. It was easy to see a beautiful plan last Friday – getting a baby boy from the hospital two days before Christmas. Sheer perfection! Now, it just seems like torture. What lesson am I to get out of this, other than I cannot get my hopes up and I should keep things to myself and not get others to join me on this roller coaster ride.

 

Not for the first time a few friends of mine, who are familiar with adopting from foster care, have suggested I look into working directly with a county children and youth services organization rather than CHOR, which is a secondary agency. The county’s always look to find a placement with their own families before they turn to a secondary agency, like CHOR. The logic would be that there are more options for families working with the county agencies rather than the other agencies. After this heartache I am seriously considering it. I wanted to stay with CHOR because I felt some loyalty for them since they didn’t toss me out after the issue with the first placement. And, because I fear my name is mud with my own county and that they would never take me on as a foster-to-adopt parent. The other thing I need to worry about is that I am completely and totally ready, approved, and done with the process, the paperwork, and training (although every year we need more hours of  training). If I jump ship I worry I will have to start all over again from scratch. A friend who works in CYS asked if CHOR couldn’t just transfer my paperwork to the county. She suggested I talk to one of the supervisors at  Berks CYS about what happened two years ago to see if they would consider taking me on. The other option I have is to work with Montgomery County because the case worker from the last case I had already asked me to move with them. This would potentially mean driving an hour one way for training, but if I could get a baby faster, it would be worth it. I guess I will have to look into it after the holidays. But, it would mean another issue for me – finding child care. I know three CHOR families that have a daycare in their home, but if I leave CHOR I would need to find other foster families at the new agency and  that can sometimes be hard. Especially, if I leave the county and would have to drive far to take the child to daycare. So, there are a lot of things I need to consider before I make the decision. My family worker will be coming over in the next few weeks to do my annual home visit and I guess I will need to talk to her about it.

 

I want to be able to put this whole messy ordeal behind me, not just what happened with this baby but the whole infertility/adoption journey. I’m afraid it has irrevocably changed me. In a good way, I know it has made me stronger and made me realize just how much I can endure. But, I think it has also robbed me of so much. Even when I am happy for someone who is having a baby, there is still a small part of me that hurts. And I worry that the strain of foster-to-adopt will make me paranoid that someone will come and steal my baby from me because a distant relative has shown up. And more than anything, I worry that I will never be able to enjoy my life because I will always have a longing to be a mother and the way things have been going that seems nearly impossible. I hope this is just one more bump in the road and I will be able to realize my dreams sooner than I think, but I just don’t know. I need to keep digging so I can let go and let God……..