Unicorns and Rainbows

I wrote a very long and rather snarky post and then deleted it. I guess there’s only so much dirty laundry I’m willing to air. The point I do want to convey is how Primero seems to have bounced back into the role of happy soon-to-be adopted child and how I haven’t quite managed to regain my role of ecstatic soon-to-be adoptive mom/Ash. I think I’m still reeling from the pain, I’m still aching and hurting because of some of the things that Primero said. I’m not stupid, those feelings don’t just vanish after two conversations and a night apart. So, he’s flipped back to adoption now. What about next month? Will he change his mind again? He agreed with his therapist last night that he would start calling me by my full name and then some day he’ll call me mother. I don’t even care anymore. I can’t just jump back on the everything’s-so-awesome-so-wonderful-unicorns-and-rainbows bandwagon again. Things are not wonderful. Things are not awesome. Things are hard. Things still hurt. I guess it’s a good thing I’m seeing a therapist.    

 
I used to think I was the poster child for adopting older children. I thought I would be a staunch advocate for adopting tweens and teens from foster care because hey, I did it! I assumed my story of reluctantly taking in Primero temporarily and then agreeing to adopt him would inspire others to overcome their reluctance and take in older children. I don’t feel this way anymore. I honestly don’t know if I could advocate taking in teens because the truth is they have experienced so much trauma and pain that it makes parenting them a heart wrenching, painful experience. I honestly don’t know if I would ever consider doing it again myself. Maybe this is just the pain talking and once I truly heal, I will feel differently again. I don’t know

Let it Go

“Let it go! Let it go!” I have this song on repeat in my brain because there are a LOT of things I need to be letting go of right now. And I am struggling, oh I am struggling!  

I need to let go of the idea that I will ever be on equal ground with Primero’s biological family

I have to let go of the idea that Primero is breaking up with his pregnant girlfriend

I have to let go of being jealous that some stupid teenager gets to name her baby when I don’t really get to name my children

I have to let go of Primero ever calling me anything but loathsome Ash

I have to let go of my future holidays being anything but divided, spending time with people I wouldn’t choose to spend time with

I have to get go of the pain every time Primero says “my mom” and means his bio mom

I have to let go of my hatred for his bio mom

I have to let go of thinking I will ever actually be the mom I want to be

I have to let go of doing so much for others and thinking I will be treated the same

I have to let go of everything

 

The pregnant girlfriend. I wish she would just go away! This afternoon her parents will accompany her to the after school program so she can officially announce she’s expecting. She pretended to tell Primero yesterday afternoon, since she didn’t want her parents to know she told her friends and boyfriend before she told them. She will be allowed to participate in the after school program. She told her parents on Friday that she’s dating Primero and they were fine with it, gave their stamp of approval. It doesn’t matter that I’m not fine with it, that’s what Primero told me on Friday. My approval is not needed and he would not heed my request that they break up. But, if her parents didn’t approve, he would yield to their will. It’s so messed up! (The snow glows white on the mountain tonight. Not a footprint to be seen. A kingdom of isolation. And it looks like I'm the queen!) He told me that his girlfriend wants him to be there when she has the baby. Not in the delivery room, but at the hospital. Um, what? She wanted him to help name the baby, but then picked out names on her own anyway. She claims she can’t find the baby daddy and is contemptuous about involving him. I guess her mom decided, on top of giving back her phone and all other privileges, she doesn’t have to tell the baby daddy. So, she’s treating Primero like he’s the baby daddy, involving him in so much. And he seems content to be along for the ride, despite his scathing remarks about his brother and the pregnant chick he was dating (and proposed marriage to) in December. I asked if she planned to give the baby her last name or hyphenate it with the daddy’s last name. He said she might choose a different last name altogether. If she gives her baby Primero’s last name I will hunt her down and kick her @ss. I wish he wasn’t involved with her! (The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried. Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well, now they know!!) I’m trying so hard to not be scornful when Primero tells me things, but it’s so damn hard! I’m not this girl’s mother, thank God, but I hate that Primero is involved at all. And I hate how ok he is with everything – like sure, why shouldn’t my girlfriend be pregnant with another boys baby? (Let it go, let it go! Can't hold it back anymore. Let it go, let it go! Turn away and slam the door. I don't care what they're going to say. Let the storm rage on! The cold never bothered me anyway). I don’t want to allow Primero to be in the hospital when she has the baby, it’s not his place. I can acquiesce in taking him to visit her in the hospital but it’s going to be all of us, the whole kit and caboodle. I wish this weren’t happening. I wish this weren’t my life….. (It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all. It's time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I'm free!) 

Primero is still calling me by my loathsome nickname. I think he’s used my full name once. And on top of that he still talks about “my mom” which just rubs salt in my wounds at this point (Let it go, let it go! I am one with the wind and sky. Let it go, let it go! You'll never see me cry. Here I stand and here I stay. Let the storm rage on…). I had the kids in respite Friday night until Saturday afternoon. When I picked them up we took Primero to get his hair cut. While we waited for his turn he said he’s given it a lot of thought, he talked about it with his oldest brother and the foster mom where he stayed in respite and he’s tired of flip-flopping about adoption. He does want me to adopt him. This on the heels of my decision to agree to PLC because I was about 80% sure that’s what he was going to choose. I should have been over-joyed or relieved or something. But, I felt nothing. I guess it’s just everything that’s going on, all the drama and all the stress.  

I wish we could go back to the beginning, when things seemed much easier. I wish we could recapture the elation at the initial decision to adopt. But, we cannot (My power flurries through the air into the ground. My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around. And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast. I'm never going back, the past is in the past.). We’ve been through some things and while I believe that enduring difficult and challenging times can make a relationship stronger, it can also destroy it. At this point, I think we are coming back together, but I also feel like I’m reaching a breaking point. I feel like there is so much I must come to terms with, I don’t know that I can do it! Not only am I dealing with a teenager, a child and baby but I’ve started seeing someone and well, I think maybe I feel like there’s not enough of me to go around. I don’t know how else to explain it. Life is just so complicated! (Let it go, let it go!! When I rise like the break of dawn. Let it go, let it go!! That perfect girl is gone. Here I stand in the light of day. Let the storm rage on! The cold never bothered me anyway…)

Left at the Altar

So, the girlfriend really is pregnant. She’s 7 months along but the baby didn’t cooperate to find out the gender. Her parents aren’t going to let her participate in the after school programs anymore, but she told Primero she would sneak off to see him today. Geeze! She is going to keep the baby and not give it to her aunt. Her mom is making her tell the baby daddy (thank God!) and it seems like mom and baby are healthy. As of right now they are still together and Primero insists they are going to stay together, although he admits he doesn’t want to keep dating her if he won’t ever see her. I have a feeling it will be over soon and I’m rather relieved, although heaven only knows who he’ll be dating next.

I’ve done some soul searching, I’ve hashed it out with friends and the case worker and the therapist and so I’ve come to a conclusion. If Primero chooses PLC and not adoption, I won’t ask him to leave. It’s not what I want, I find it painful and like all the joy has been sucked out of the experience, but I think it’s what’s right for Primero. I don’t want him to be hurt by being shoved out of a loving house just because his trauma won’t allow him to commit to adoption. And, in my heart he is my son, even if he never accepts that position. So, I can’t and I won’t give up on my son. I described it to a friend as if I’ve been left at the altar but the guy still wants to date. Only in this case it’s a hurt kid just needing to be loved, even when that’s hard to do, even when it hurts.

It’s not an easy thing to do from adoptive mom to guardian. All the celebratory pomp and circumstance have been sucked out of the equation. Permanent Legal Custody does not give me the same joy as adoption, there’s nothing to look forward to after all these months of expectation. But, I know it’s what’s right for Primero. He deserves to be in a home where he is loved and wanted and where he feels comfortable. It would not be fair to send him packing, to potentially bounce around in different foster homes or end up in a boy’s home. If I tell him he can only stay if he chooses adoption, then I’m putting conditions on my love. And I love him unconditionally. So, while it hurts, while I might not like or agree with it, if Primero chooses PLC then so be it. Still, it’s hard to accept this turn of events. My heart aches.

In other, less depressing news, Love Bug has 4 teeth now! He’s nine months old today and has finally started sitting up as of last week. He’s mobile now, scooting around pretty quickly. He hasn’t managed crawling yet, but he pushes up on his toes and wriggles himself forward like an inch worm. He just accomplished forward motion last week as well. Until that point, he could only go backwards and he’d get frustrated at not being able to move forward. He likes being in a standing position, if I hold him up, so I think he’s anxious to stand and walk. He looks so precious with his two top and two bottom teeth. I hope all his teeth don’t come in in twos! He was so crabby last week when his top teeth were pushing through. I know he was uncomfortable and his little gums even looked a little swollen. He had a check up on Monday with the same nurse practitioner he saw in the past and she was so surprised at how great he’s doing now, from where he had been. He’s in the 50^th percentile for his height and weight, which is way better than when he was a newbie. She was happy to see how bonded he is to me, stating it was a healthy attachment. She worried his reflux might morph into asthma, but only time will tell. She upped the dosage for his meds but hopes he won’t need it as his diet shifts to more solid foods. All in all, he’s doing very well. But, because he was so late in learning to sit up and because of his rough start, she recommended he get some Early Intervention. The provider should be calling me in the next two weeks to set up his first appointment and evaluation. The doctor said it’s better to get the Early Intervention now rather than wait until he’s in school and struggling and I agree. So, we’ll see how it goes.

As certain as I was before that she was, I’m fairly certain now that Love Bug and Chica Marie’s mom is not pregnant. The tummy I thought I saw on a few occasions seems to be gone, so I wonder if all that time she was missing visits because she was sick, was actually her dealing with a miscarriage? When I spoke to the grandma a few weeks ago, she hinted that bio mom was going through something difficult, and so it would fit. It’s a sad thing, but, and this is calloused to say, I’m sure it isn’t her final pregnancy. Love Bug did better at the last visit, although he was miserable the day before. I know it bugs the bio mom that he gets so excited to see me show up to get him at the visit. I know it also bugs her that Chica Marie calls me Mommy even in front of her. In fact, the other day she was standing next to me saying, “Mommy, Mommy” and I didn’t respond, thinking she was talking to bio mom until she said, “Oh, I mean Miss [My name].” Then I felt bad for ignoring her. And, the older sister called the little girl by the nickname I gave her for the first time in front of their mom. I try very hard to address the little girl by her full name in front of bio mom, but it does slip sometimes.

So, life goes on in this crazy world of mine. It’s not easy, it’s not without pain or sacrifice, but life does go on. Right now I’m just hanging on the for the ride.

Messy, Complicated Issues Galore

So, last night it felt like the dust settled enough for Primero and I to talk. I started by apologizing for pressuring him to call me something he’s not comfortable with and explained how I was ok with Ash when it seemed like that name would be temporary, but when I realized it would be what he calls me forever I wasn’t ok with it. I apologized for never telling him this before. I floated an idea his therapist mentioned, about coming up with a compromise name but he refused. He said that it would be “too weird” to give me a name that’s not Ash or Mom, so he will have to call me by my full name. He reiterated how his aunt was “like” a mom to him and he never called her mom (although, I hazard to guess he might have when he was young, since he was with her for so long). So, it’s an unresolved issue and we just let it drop to talk about the other issue.

 I let Primero know that I spoke with his therapist yesterday afternoon and that she helped me to see that perhaps he will never be able to have a true mother/son relationship with me as I see it – something resembling the solidified warm, close and loving relationship I have with my own mother. I asked him, if he decides he doesn’t want to be adopted, what were his plans. Well, he pretty much thought I could take Permanent Legal Custody of him, so his situation really wouldn’t change. I asked him how this would be different from adoption. Basically, he still has an issue in seeing how this would all play out in his future. He said he feels like he’s missing so much of his biological family’s experiences, like his sister’s birthday party this past weekend (which he wasn’t really invited to attend….. and none of his other siblings were there either, as far as I know). I asked how not being adopted would make that any different. He wouldn’t be living with any of his siblings, so how would the adoption cause him to “miss” things where PCL wouldn’t? Then he said with PLC he could be his own person when he turned 18, that he wouldn’t be mine anymore like he would with adoption. So, I asked him if that meant he would just leave when he is 18 and he kind of indicated that he would (keep in mind, he will most likely not graduate from high school until he’s 19). I said that I wouldn’t want that and frankly it’s not fair to me for him to spend 4 years with me and then disappear with maybe a text or note on Facebook every now and then. On the other hand, he said he could see both me and his bio mom in his future. I tried to explain that the ideal he has in his mind for his relationship with his mom might never come to fruition, that she might not be able to be what he wants her to be even in the future. I did not tell him what his case worker mentioned yesterday, that his bio mom was kicked out of housing and tested positive for drugs. I just couldn’t be the bearer of that bad news. Primero mentioned how he didn’t want to always have to worry about where he would spend the holidays, with his biological family or with mine. I said we made it work over Thanksgiving and Christmas and while it might not be exactly what he wants it still worked out for him to be with both families. I equated it to marriage – you have to spend time with your significant other’s family and yours, so it’s a balancing act. I tried to impress upon him that I am not taking anyone or anything away from him by wanting to adopt him. I’m trying to add to the loved ones he already has.

 So, I don’t know what more to do or to say. Is it wrong that I feel like PLC is him just using me for love, comfort and things until he’s 18? He doesn’t seem to feel any emotional responsibility or want any expectations placed on him, so it’s not really a relationship it’s me chasing him. At least, this is how I see it but I might not be able to see the forest for the trees. I told him I really didn’t know how I would answer the question about PLC and not adoption, that I really need to think about it and search my heart. In reality, I would hate to see him go. And I told him that and he reiterated that he doesn’t want to go anywhere. And that’s how we left this messy, complicated issue.

 One side note thing that was tossed into the ring of messiness that is our lives right now – Primero’s girlfriend is most likely pregnant. Let me explain. Right when Primero and the girlfriend got together she found out she was pregnant with her previous boyfriend’s baby. I expressed how I didn’t really want Primero dating this girl, since she had a lot going on and not making wise choices since this was her second “accidental” pregnancy with her previous boyfriend. Well, about 2 months after that Priemro told me his girlfriend had a miscarriage and so the issue was dropped. Last week she felt like her stomach had grown and was worried she was still pregnant although she was still getting her period and not feeling any movement (what on earth to they teach these kids in sex-ed???). Keep in mind, this girl has not told her parents she is sexually active nor has she told them she is dating Primero. She has a doctor’s appointment today, but took a pregnancy test a day ago and it was positive. Primero thought she could get a positive test if she was just sexually excited (which, apparently she is because she asked Primero when and how he’d like to lose his virginity – presumably with her……). I explained that the pregnancy test is not just detecting hormones but specific hormones that only a pregnant woman would have. Where do these kids get these crazy ideas? So, anyway his girlfriend is dealing with a lot and coming to him for comfort while he too is dealing with a lot and my head is spinning. Primero doesn’t want to break up with his girlfriend and believes their relationship can resume after the baby is born and adopted by the girlfriend’s aunt (apparently that is the plan but no one in this girls family knows she’s pregnant). He said, they have been together for 6 months now and he doesn’t want to give up because that’s his longest relationship with a girl. It’s strange how he can’t correlate his own mother giving permission for him to be adopted as the same action (and thus emotions) his girlfriend will be going through if she gives her baby to her aunt to be adopted…….

 I know I’ve commented about the girlfriend before, in relation to abortion and her irresponsibility in getting pregnant twice “accidentally.” I want to stay out of this situation, but there is one thing that is bugging me. The baby daddy (oh how I hate that term!) knew of the pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. He was saddened by the idea of abortion, although in no position to assume the role of fatherhood. Now, he is apparently moving to Puerto Rico (according to Primero) and is not aware of the latest development regarding his potential child. If he is listed at the father on the birth certificate he would have to give consent and relinquish his rights for the baby to be adopted by the girl’s aunt. But, if the girlfriend decides not to notify him of the birth or list him on the birth certificate this young man will be a father and never know about it. I personally hope someone who knows them both will open their mouths and tell him. What infuriates me is how little attention is given to the fathers in these situations. I know it is the girl’s body, I get that, but this baby is as much his as it is hers. Right now there is a pandemic of fatherless children because men can hit it and quit it and never even know they procreated. It’s the same for my sweet Love Bug – his paternity isn’t even known at this point. In the name of feminism, women totally sideline the men who father children but never parent them. And, in cases like this one with Primero’s girlfriend, the father isn’t even given an option to be involved or not. It’s pathetic, it’s disgusting, and all these fatherless children are the ones to suffer. Is it any wonder there are so many children damaged by trauma in the foster care system? Ok, I’ll get off my soapbox now……

 In an attempt to reach Primero, I sent a text message to his older sister. She responded by asking to see him. I didn’t coach her as to what she should say, I did mention that Primero is having trouble right now and is rejecting the adoption. I simply asked her to talk to him before he makes some irreparable decision that could truly hurt him and his future. She said she is for the adoption, she wants him to be adopted by me and she wanted to tell him that in person. She must have reached out to their older brother (not Hermano) because he text me and asked if he could spend some time with Primero this afternoon. I agreed and thanked him for offering to speak to Primero. I said I thought Primero would do better hearing from his siblings that they support him, they love him and will always be there for him but that they also want to see him make a wise decision for his future. His case worker did tell him that bio mom is using again. He asked if the positive drug test could be from her medications, but she tested positive for an illegal substance, so that’s not possible. I hope his siblings can reach him, I hope that in talking to them he can understand himself and what he truly wants to do right now. And I hope that I can stick this out and support whatever decision he makes. I want to be able to accept him as a PLC, but I just don’t know if I  can at this point. It’s truly painful to think that he would want nothing to do with me once there is no longer a legal obligation. I pray he can see reality and that he can see how good he has it (not to toot my own horn, but come on!). I am always here for him, I will always be here for him. I just hope he can believe that and accept that offer fully.   

My Resolve

I don’t even know if I can drag the story out of me at this time. I’m so tired and so hurt. I’m emotionally raw and just like a bad sunburn, it hurts simply to exist. There is a long story about what’s going on, but it all boils down to me having the audacity to want to be called Mom and not Ash. This core issue combined with disrespect, a dash of contempt, and a heaping of attachment dysfunction and well you have a recipe for disaster. I honestly don’t want to keep talking about it. It doesn’t feel like there is a resolution. I’m having the same heart pounding dreadful feeling I had just before Flaco walked out. I can’t let something go, I can’t acquiesce to someone else’s desire and so they will leave me. In this case, I can’t let go of the idea of being Primero’s mom and he flat out refuses to accept me in this position. It’s not just about the name, it’s about the position that is tied to the name. And in rejecting my name as Mom Primero is also rejecting me. We had a painful therapy session last night that ended without resolution. And we haven’t really spoken since. Primero admitted that bio mom and I are in a competition in his heart and pretty much conceded that he would leave to return to his bio family the second he turned 18 and has a choice in the matter. He called his bio mom the morning of the day her rights were being terminated to ask her opinion about calling me mom. Ouch! I have never, not ever, wavered on my decision to adopt him. I call him my son, I treat him as my son, I think of him as my son. But, he is once more thinking he might not want to be adopted because he thinks calling me mom is a requirement. I would settle for something other than Ash. He thinks giving me a nickname denotes bonding. I think it’s a way to hold me at arm’s length. After our fight Friday night, he wrote in a note that he felt our relationship was more of a friendship than anything else. Wow, did that hurt!

The rational side of me knows he is scared, knows he is testing me and this whole relationship because it’s frightening. He’s pushing to see if I will bail on him like everyone else has (his bio mom, his uncles, his previous foster home). But, the emotional side of me, that soft under-belly, is dying. I can’t sleep. I don’t want to eat. I cry at the drop of a hat. I look like hell and feel even worse. I want to be able to separate myself from the emotional so I can be rational and sane, but I just can’t seem to do that right now. My heart is shattered and I’m trying to shove the pieces back together again. We aren’t talking, we are just co-existing. Primero is glib about the whole thing, at least on the surface. What he’s thinking or feeling right now are a mystery to me.

I haven’t been very open in sharing with others about this situation because I don’t want to hear that I should give up on him, choose not to adopt him because he’s not treating me right at the moment. No one would ever suggest a mother give up on a biological child, why would I give up on the boy I call my son? I’ve said it a thousand times in the past few days – I’m not rescinding my commitment to adopt Primero. If he chooses to not be adopted, then that will be a decision made solely by him. I don’t give up easily and I won’t give up on him, not like all the other people in his life. If he’s testing me to make sure I won’t up and leave, that’s fine. Let him see my resolve. I’m a tough chick, I’ve been knocked down before and I managed to pull myself back up, so I certainly won’t stay down this time. I just hope and pray that we can get through this tough time and create a stronger bond in the process……  

Inconsequential

I didn’t want to make it a thing. But, yesterday while the county case worker was visiting Chica Marie was pesting Primero, she wanted a hug and since he wouldn’t give her one, she kept flinging herself on him trying to steal one. Primero became frustrated and called to me to stop her, using my full name, something he never does. He always calls me by my nickname. This morning, he brought it up, mentioning how strange it was that he used my full name and I guess I was feeling a little puckish because I asked him why he couldn’t or wouldn’t just call me “Mom.” I didn’t intend to get into it with him, but once the question passed my lips I could not stick my finger back in the dike. The damn broke and now all those feelings I’ve been trying to dispel have come rushing to the forefront. I thought maybe he was waiting until the finalization or some other line in the sand to begin calling me mom. But, when I mentioned it this morning I realized that he never plans on calling me mom. I will be my nickname for the rest of my life. A nickname I don’t even like I might add. I tried all my childhood to prevent people from using my nickname (it’s not like my name is Samantha and I’m opposed to being called Sam – my nickname isn’t even really a name). So, I really don’t want to be called by my nickname for the rest of my life. When I dropped Primero off at school I asked him to look deep inside himself to figure out why he could or would never call me mom.

I’ve held this in a long time and I was trying really hard to not let it out at all, to make it a thing, but now it is. To be quite frank, I feel like I’ve worked very hard to earn the title of mom. It’s not like I just spread my legs and popped out a baby! I’ve been through the ringer on my journey to motherhood. And I’ve had to give up on my dreams of how I wanted things to be in my life. It’s not an easy thing, let me tell you! Of course, I don’t tell this to Primero. I allude to my loss in this process and try to explain why it is important to me that he call me mom. He said to me this morning, the little ones will call me mom and that should be good enough. Ouch! He refers to me as his mom to most of his friends, but he still more often than not calls me his foster mom. In his phone I’m listed as A mom (a name I truly despise), meaning Adoptive mom. There’s always a qualifier. I don’t call him my foster son (or hardly ever unless I feel it is important for someone, like a doctor, to understand our current relationship) or my A son, I call him my son. I feel like his inability to call me mom is indicative of his feelings for me. He calls bio mom (I still haven’t come up with a name for her for the blog) “Mom” and I would never ask him to stop. He says he has two moms (which bugs me, honestly. Most biological mothers don’t have to share their children with another mother…..), but he doesn’t. He has a “Mom” and an “Ash.” I die a little inside every time he calls bio mom “Mom” and then turns around and calls me my nickname. Haven’t I proven myself as a mother? Am I lacking in some way?

I don’t get to name my children. I don’t get to revel in the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth; to feel the first kick and the pain of contractions, to watch my stomach grow and expand as my baby grows. I don’t have increment pictures of my ever-growing tummy, holding something to represent the size of my baby. I don’t get to choose my children’s prenatal care. I can’t breast feed my children. I wasn’t there when they took their first breath. For Primero and Chica Marie I didn’t watch them sit up for the first time, say their first word or take their first step. My children do not have my eyes, my smile or my thick calves. I didn’t have a baby shower, find a creative way to announce the impending arrival of my child, or reveal their gender with a cake. I have no ultra sounds, no memories of hearing the first heart-beat, and no pictures in the hospital or stamps of their tiny feet. For all these things that I’ve lost or missed out on, the one thing I thought I would have is the precious and beautiful title of MOM. And now, I need to learn to come to terms with forever being called a stupid, undesirable nickname by my first child. It just doesn’t seem fair, now does it?

I think Primero’s refusal to call me mom stems from his desire to not hurt bio mom (which, I’ve been calling her by her name lately and that is all I’m going to call her – I used to refer to her as his mom, but I’m done with that now. I’ll call her bio mom or her name) or alienate her in any way. I’m not asking him to alienate her or to stop calling her mom. But, why don’t I get the same respect? He made mention of his younger sister stating something about calling bio mom “Mom” and I guess the other piece to this is that he doesn’t want his siblings to treat him any differently and he fears they will if he calls me “Mom.” I’ve thought about reaching out to his siblings to address this, but I can’t think of a way to do it without seeming petty. I think I’m going to ask Primero to stop using my nickname. If he’s not going to call me mom, I would rather he use my full, proper name. I like it much better than my nickname. I strive to have people call me by my full name and not use my nickname and reserve that right for family or close friends. My father hardly ever uses my nickname, he knows it bugs me. My mom and sister are the biggest culprits. But, I digress. The point is, I want Primero to call me “Mom” and if that can’t happen then the least that could happen is for him to use the name I prefer over the nickname I don’t like.

Sometimes I wonder if the losses will ever stop. If there will ever come a point in time where the losses don’t mean anything anymore. Right now I’m learning to come to terms with forever being one of two moms – for having to make it a point to get to know and involve two families in my life forevermore. Because I want to do what is right for my children, I can’t just walk away from their biological families and insulate us all on our own. I can seethe on the inside at his bio mom blowing us off yet posting on Facebook how great it was to spend time with two of her other children (one being Hermano). But, I cannot speak poorly of her to him or within earshot of him (even if what I am saying is true!). And I cannot choose to just ignore her presence, like it or not she is forever a part of my life because of him. And it will be the same for Chica Marie and Love Bug as well. On the relative safety of my blog I can admit this is not something I’m excited about. It’s not something I would like to do, but I realize how important it is for my children. It’s like going to the dentist. I want a healthy smile so twice a year I drag myself, rather unwillingly, to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned and checked. I don’t like it, but I do it. And, so this is how I view creating a relationship with the families of the kids I’m adopting. I guess it might not be the best attitude to have and hopefully it will improve as I get to know the families better, but this is how things stand right now.

In so much of the adoption experience, I feel like the child and bio families feelings must be held in consideration, but the feelings of the adoptive family are lesser somehow. I guess, the adoptive family is seen as the victor and so our desires must take a backseat to those of the defeated. I try to always keep my focus on the children and do what is best for them. It’s just sometimes hard to squelch the feelings I have in order to do the things required of me. I feel like its all give, give, give and I’m not allowed to even ask to take – not a thing. He won’t have my last name, he won’t call me mom, what on earth is the purpose of this adoption, I ask? I’m hurt. I’m trying to not lash out in my pain, but I think I’m failing miserably. Never did I imagine all of these issues when I thought of adoption. I didn’t think it would be easy, but I never thought I would feel so inconsequential in the whole deal. My hopes, my dreams, my desires all seemed to stop when I “got” a child to adopt. Now, it’s back to being an unfeeling robot nanny – do things for the sake of others and forget about how you might feel about it.

I’m making too much of it all. I’ll piss and whine here and then pull up those old tired big girl panties and get on with it. I’ll get over myself, plaster that smile on my face and roll with the punches. My feelings may be irrelevant, but I still have a job to do, so I’ll put one foot in front of the other and move on.  

Chica Marie and Love Bug

Since it seems like the two little ones will be sticking around for a while, I think they should be given names. Thus far I’ve been using names in Spanish, but those names fit for each particular character. I think, for the little girl and her baby brother, I will use the nicknames that I call them. I call the little girl Chickadee or Chica Marie and the baby I call Bubbas or Love Bug. So, for this blog, the little girl will be Chica Marie and the baby will be Love Bug. I’ve also been thinking about giving the bio moms names since they too will be part of our lives in some capacity. Oddly enough, both of their names begin with the letter V, so using the first initial of their names won’t work. I think I will have to think about this a little longer, until some brain cells regain their mojo. Dear Love Bug has not been sleeping well with his two upper teeth sawing their way through his gums. Thus, I have not been sleeping well since teething apparently means he must be in my arms 24/7 or he howls. This reminds me of his first few months (yes, MONTHS) home when he would only sleep fitfully if not in my arms. He has always been a rather demanding baby. But, his smile melts my heart and he’s started giving little hugs on my shoulder that make everything, every last restless night worth it

Case Changing

I’m going to be a mother again. I got a text today from the CHOR case worker stating the county is moving the case for the baby and little girl to adoption. They will be assigned a new adoption case worker. Wow! What more can I say but WOW! The way the worker wrote in the text it sounded like it was just the baby. So, I asked her about the little girl and she said her case too was being moved to adoption. Officially, their goal has not been changed because that is something that must happen in court. But, the fact that the county is making this move leads the case worker to believe the goal will be changed at the next court hearing (which is scheduled for July at this point). I’m surprised at how quickly this change has come. The baby is only 8 (almost 9) months old, I thought he’d be nearly 2 before any change was made to his case. I feel bad for their bio mom, I can’t image how hard this must be especially in light of all her previous losses (the older children). But, in all honesty, the baby has felt like he’s mine for quite some time now. He only knows me as his momma and he’s attached, very attached. I want to be super-excited but I’m only cautiously happy. I know the danger of getting too caught up in believing something will happen based on words alone.

Last week when we spoke about his and my expectations for the future, Primero expressed concern about the little girl. He has, from day one, not gotten along with the little girl. She, on the other hand, adores him and is more attached to him than to me, I think. When he is not around she asks about him. When he is home she is never too far from him. She tells him she loves him all the time. Primero is her all, no matter how much he pushes her away, not matter if he is mean to her or ignores her, she is all about Primero. So, when Primero asked, “What are we going to do with her?” meaning adoption, if it got to that point, I knew we would need to have this conversation. I told him I wanted to focus on him at the time, so we put his question on the back burner. Now, with the revelation that their case is moving from reunification to adoption, we need to talk about the little girls future in a very real way. Ultimately, the decision is mine to make. But, I had considered Primero’s feelings about taking her in as a foster placement before agreeing to accept her. And we did talk about adoption before when I was asked by her previous case worker. But, it is more real now and so we need to talk about it. Primero has no issues with adopting the baby, he loves the baby (who doesn’t?). He even calls the baby his brother sometimes. So, we shall see how this goes. Nothing is written in stone, I’m sure there are still last-minute efforts that their bio mom could make to change the course of this case.

The other thing I really need to think about are names. The baby’s name is not something I would have chosen but I don’t have a problem with his name and would only change his middle name. I’m thinking of using my father’s middle name because the baby has the same first initial as my father and if I give him my maiden name, he will have the same initials as my dad. I like family stuff like that. The little girl, well, I really don’t like her name. In fact, I hardly ever call her by her given name, I call her by the nickname I used the first weekend she came to stay with me when she wouldn’t tell me her name. She tells people that is her name. So, I would probably rename her something that still fits with her nickname so she can stick with that. I have never asked her (I had no reason before now) if she would like a new name. She’s still pretty young and it’s hard to get a straight answer out of her for simple things like what she wants for lunch, so I don’t know if she will even understand changing her name.

So, with the up’s and down’s lately, it’s a welcome relief to receive some good news. I know we still have a long road ahead of us, but every journey begins with one step forward. Here we go!

On-going Efforts

Last Thursday night Primero and I went to Philly to see Ariana Grande in concert. She is his favorite singer/actress and has been for a few years now. So, I couldn’t pass up the chance to take him to see her in concert. We rented a car because I don’t trust mine to make the trip and the only issue was getting stuck in rush-hour traffic on our way down to the concert. We both had a good time and he used my phone to capture several videos of his idol singing her heart out. I’m so glad he was able to experience her in concert and I enjoyed myself as well.

Friday, after taking the car back and dropping Primero off at school, I had the day to myself. I cleaned and did laundry. I didn’t get as much done as I wanted to because before I knew it I had to leave to pick up the kids and get them off to therapy. Still, it was strange being in the house with no kids at all even for a few short hours.

At therapy on Friday we met the new foster family for the older sister. They seemed nice and also seemed to understand the situation with the sister – how she uses accusations to get removed from her foster home in hopes that her next stop is home with her bio mom. We talked for a bit while the girls’ therapy sessions overlapped and I filled them in a bit on my relationship with the sister and what I know about the case. During our brief conversation, the grandmother called. At the last court session I had been given permission from the county worker to set up the monthly visits with the grandmother, rather than go through the county worker. I had called the grandmother the beginning of February to set something up and she hadn’t responded until Friday (the bio mom said her mother’s wife had been dealing with some medical issues). The grandmother explained that she had requested the sister be placed with her, to prevent all this moving around, but her schedule did not make it possible to get the girl back to our area (grandmother lives about an hour away) for the two visits per week, the therapy session, and the new Saturday therapy every other week. Thus the sister is in her 5^th foster home. It’s a shame for the girl to be bounced around so much. The grandmother asked if the children would be sent home soon and I told her we don’t have court again until July, so the children won’t be going anywhere before then. She got upset stating they can’t go home yet that the bio mom is dealing with some stuff and that she has been doing heroin (which would jive with how strung out she was at a visit a few weeks ago). Grandmother vowed to report this to the county case worker. She ended the conversation with a promise to call back to set up the visit and reiterated her desire to have the girls spend the night with her sometime soon. Just like the bio mom, the grandmother’s major concern right now is the older sister. She was excited to learn that the baby is almost crawling and has two teeth but she was more worried about seeing the older girl and getting her for weekend visits. I can understand the concern, since things for the sister are so unstable and have been that way for many months now. I can also understand how everyone feels comfortable with the little ones being in a stable home, being loved on and cared for – it’s just hard not to see it as the two I have are being swept under the rug in favor of the more problematic older sister.  

Saturday I took the little girl to the local museum for a Clifford the Big Red dog exhibit. It was our girl bonding time. We dropped off the boys with another foster family and then had lunch at McDonalds (I let her choose where to have lunch). It was a yucky rainy day on Saturday, so I thought the museum would be a good place to spend our time. I was not impressed with the exhibit, there were so few things there to experience. I tried to get the little girl to explore other areas of the museum, but she was not having it. She wanted to run wild in the Clifford area, which was designed for hands-on experience by the kiddos. I don’t think the little girl understood our afternoon outing. She kept asking why the boys (more specifically Primero) were not with us and when we would get them back. She kept repeating, “it’s just me and you.” Which is how I billed the day – it’s a me and you day. She wanted to get the boys and bring them back to the museum with us. I was hoping she would eat up the one-on-one time since she always seems to demand my attention. But, when it was just the two of us, she was more concerned about why the others were not along as well. I guess she’s a little too young to “get it” but I won’t make this the last time we get some girl time alone. I want her to feel special and to have time when my attention is not divided, so it will be an on-going effort.

Speaking of on-going efforts……. I had invited Primero’s bio mom to church with us on Sunday. Saturday Hermano called. He was visiting with bio mom and one of their younger sisters. Primero talked to them all for a brief moment (he was disgusted that Hermano was talking/fighting with some kid on the phone and he was cussing up a storm and their bio mom just laughed – just a few days after she admonished Primero to stop cursing on Facebook). Before he left the room to chat I whispered to ask him to confirm the church visit with bio mom. When he got off the phone he said she wasn’t coming because she just moved. I struggled to remain calm. She flaked on the visit she was supposed to have with him and his case worker as well. By her actions, it is easy to see Primero is not a priority to her and yet, she is with Hermano all the time. I have thought about reaching out to her again. Sunday was not only time for her to see Primero but also time for her and I to begin getting to know one another. By her deciding not to attend church with us she is confirming to Primero that he’s not as important as Hermano. She is damaging her prospects for a more open adoption with us because we cannot depend on the plans we’ve made with her. How does she expect me to act all warm and fuzzy when she won’t make any effort to get to know me? And, quite frankly, it’s rude to make plans and break them on a whim. I want to blurt this all out in a text, but I know that would be counter-productive. I also thought about just letting it go, to take a page from Primero’s book and pretend it doesn’t bother me. I could justifiably say I’ve made an effort and she didn’t reciprocate. But, that’s not the right answer either. I must find a diplomatic way of reaching out to her. I don’t want to make her feel guilty (ok, I do kind of want to make her feel guilty for hurting Primero’s feelings yet again) but I also want to let her know this is not ok. Trust is built in the little things that we do (or don’t do). This whole open adoption, let’s-have-a-wonderful-relationship thing won’t work if I’m the only one making an effort. Maybe church was too intimidating for her, too much on my turf. What would be a better option? Should I invite her to lunch, just the two of us? When on earth would I have time for a child-free lunch? Would she feel better going to some event, like the movies? Should we try something with her and Hermano at the same time (although, I think that would cause Primero even more grief, to see the two of them together)? Should we invite her to our place for dinner? This is maddening, honestly. I don’t want to be pushy but at the same time I don’t want it to seem like I’m not making every effort possible to forge a relationship with Primero’s bio mom. So, I sent a simple text – “Good afternoon [bio mom’s name]. I’m sorry you weren’t able to attend church with us on Sunday. I hope you are all settled into your new place. I would like an opportunity to spend some time together so we can get to know one another better. What would be the best way for us to do that?” I hope it sounds like I’m open and willing to make this work, for Primero’s sake. I hope it’s not condescending or pushy. I hope I get a response.

Saturday night I had just put the baby down for a post-dinner cat nap when there was a knock at my front door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, so I had no idea who it could be. When I opened the door a woman flashed an ID card in front of me and said,” I’m So-and-So with CYS. I need to see [little girls name].” I was taken aback, but moved to let her in the house as she assured me it had nothing to do with me. In the kitchen, with the now awake howling baby soothed and settled in my lap and the panics-stricken little girl clinging to my arm begging for the woman to not take her away, she explained. A report was made about bio mom abusing the little girl during a visit, verbally threatening her as well as past issues that happened to various siblings. The little girl wouldn’t talk to the case worker and kept saying she was scared and didn’t want to leave. The woman was at my house for a grand total of 15 minutes. Today the county worker visited with the little girl at her daycare and found two bruises – one on her right arm and one on her back. The little girl had about a 2 hour melt down in her room yesterday, including flinging herself off her bed on several occasions (her bed is practically on the floor, so it’s not like she’s got too far to fall). And she’s a rather rough and tumble little girl, so I’m not surprised there are bruises on her body. I explained this to the county worker. I hope my explanations were good enough. I felt like I should have an exact date and time for every possible scratch, bump, and bruise on every foster child’s body. But, that’s just not possible. Still, I would feel better if I had a more concrete answer about these bruises. I honestly didn’t notice them. I don’t inspect every square inch of the child’s body when I bathe her, so it’s possible for small bruises to go unnoticed. It’s still unnerving. We’ll see what becomes of this. I know who made the accusations and I know they are like the boy who cried wolf. One too many times accusations were made against anyone this person gets angry with, so it’s hard to really know what is true and what is fabricated. I suppose for CYS, it is also what can be proven. I don’t know if they will have their visits this week, maybe that is still being decided. What’s crazy is that the case worker reported to me last Wednesday that the visits had been better that week than in the past. It’s a shame that this has happened, but I know the bio mom had a lot to do with the monster that has been created. I pray for wisdom for all involved.

Bittersweet

Primero and I spoke last night. I wanted us to talk about our expectations for life after adoption, but specifically how we envisioned the future to be with his bio mom. I came clean about what I felt was the stumbling block for me to befriend his bio mom – I honestly told him I was angry with her for all the things she did in the past that hurt him and even for the things she’s doing now that hurt him (like blaming him for being adopted). I asked him why it was so important for his bio mom and I to be friends and he said because he felt like we have a lot in common (I disagree) and he wanted me to be able to ask her for parenting advice if he gave me trouble in the future. I told him this was not fair to his bio mom because she won’t have a say in parenting him anymore, those are the rights the court is taking away from her. I promised him I would make every effort to develop a relationship with his bio mom but that, just like any relationship, it takes both people to make it work. And, again I was honest with him, we might never be the close friends he hopes we will be. It’s awkward and difficult for both of us. We actually had a really good conversation about what he wants (more freedom to be “a normal kid” with his friends) and what I’m comfortable with (sleep-overs with girls? No. Sleep-overs with his gay friends who’ve had a threesome? Er, probably not. Spending time at a friend’s house when their parents are home and I can be in touch with the parents? Yes. Going to the mall or movies with a group of friends? Most likely yes.). I told him for right now I only want him to see his mom when I’m there and that while I suspect I will be ok with him going on his own in the future, right now I’m not comfortable with that and I cannot tell him when I will be comfortable with that. I promised it was something we could revisit as often as we need to. We talked about how he would like the visits to happen, where and if/when we would invite his bio mom over to our place (not yet). All-in-all it was a very good conversation and being open with one another really seemed to clear the air regarding our future.

As he was getting ready to go into his basement bedroom to bed last night I hugged him tightly and said,” Please be my little boy for a little longer.” In addition to our bio mom/future expectations conversation we once again talked about him having sex with his girlfriend (they were apparently playing with condoms at the after school program). I told him I was glad they were prepared (have condoms) but I sincerely hoped he would wait just a bit longer (until he’s 16? Please?). When he hugged me back he promised he would be a boy a bit longer, that he’s not going to be having sex anytime soon. I want to believe him, truly I do. And sometimes, like last night, I just take him at his word and forget the hormones racing through his system. I never knew him as a baby,  but he seemed so much younger when he moved in last year. He’s grown taller and matured (in a good way) over these last 12 months but I’m just not ready for him to be a “man.” Can’t I bottle up his silly teenage self and keep that boy forever? No, I cannot. But, I can love the man he is becoming and cherish the memories I have of my boy. Like so many things in adoption, it’s bittersweet.

Struggling with Open Adoption

I sent Primero’s mother a text on Friday. I had her number from Primero saved in my texts (I never delete my old text and sometimes that comes in handy), so I figured I’d reach out. We talked about the weather for a bit. I guess it’s a start. I wasn’t going to tell Primero but then I worried that he would see it as deceptive so last night over dinner I asked him he would want to know if I was talking to someone from his family. He said he would very much want to know (and he would view it as deceptive if I didn’t tell him) so I let him read the exchange between us. And I asked him about inviting her to church with us some Sunday soon. I don’t know how else I will get to know her if we don’t spend time together, so I figured we might as well start somewhere.

I am still struggling with this whole thing. I understand open adoption is almost always better for the adopted child, but it’s not so easy on adoptive parents. At least not this adoptive parent. I find that I am angry and resentful of Primero’s bio mom and I am working forgiving her and finding a space for her in my heart. I don’t know why, but it is so so so important to Primero that not only do I tolerate or simply get along but that I am friends with his bio mom. And I don’t want to be her friend, if I can be quite blunt about it. We have nothing in common, other than Primero and even there we differ on how we view him, his up-bringing and his future. I feel like Primero’s family views him as the child they knew who was acting out and trying to find his way in their tumultuous family. And now he is more grounded, has matured a bit and become more comfortable in his skin because he is accepted as himself. His mother told me she thought she was the only person who could “handle” him but was pleasantly surprised that I could too. I don’t “handle” him, I love him and I respect him and treat him as a cherished son. She accused him of being lippy with me and tried to parent him by admonishing him to stop. It bugged me. Just like it bugs me that while I have embraced Primero’s siblings as family, I struggle so hard in accepting his bio mom. Maybe if she could have “manned up” and taken responsibility for the pain she has caused him and not blamed all her problems on the county I could have found a measure of respect for her. But, she didn’t and so I have to dig deeper to find a way to be her friend. And the little bratty girl inside of me is stomping her feet screaming, “I don’t want to!” I just keep reminding myself that I am doing this for Primero. It’s not for her, it’s for him. He needs this for some reason, something I knew even before we moved onto adoption, and so I have to be the bigger person here and I have to do everything in my power to forge a relationship with someone I would otherwise choose not to associate myself with in an intimate way. Right now I’m not comfortable with her visiting our home, but if we are doing things out in public I am fine. I’m just struggling with the idea of befriending someone I would not choose to be friends with in the “real” world.

So, since I realized last week that I need to be the one to initiate contact, even though it’s not something I even want, I’ve reached out when I’m feeling particularly puckish and unfriendly. I want to train myself to think of her differently, to see her as a person and a mother and someone who needs unconditional love, just like the boy we share. Ugh, it’s so hard! But, my parents taught me that just because something is hard doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. Today I invited her to church with us on Sunday. I figured it was a safe place to start. We will go to lunch afterwards. And tonight Primero and I will sit down and discuss our expectations both for Sunday and the future. My friend at work, who is also an adoptive mom but with a rather closed adoption, said her fear would be that in the future Primero would want more and more contact. I think that’s what you call a relationship. And I don’t doubt he will always seek contact with his bio mom, regardless of the limitations I might try to impose. We live in a connected world, with social media, cell phones, and the internet. I couldn’t break all contact even if I wanted to, which I don’t. I just want him to be safe and I want her to respect our relationship. I’m trying to adjust my own expectations too because I never envisioned adoption as a marriage in which I’m getting not only a child but also their entire biological family to add to my own family. I just need to take this one baby step at a time. Please help me to have an open heart, Lord.

All that Jazz

It’s been a long stressful week. With all the happenings last weekend, the whole court debacle and dealing with issues with the little ones bio mom, not to mention a winter snow storm, well I think it’s about time for a vacation! Primero has not been talking about what happened at court since that day. He insists he’s not stressed out or depressed about it but he’s been sleeping a lot this week and staying quiet. His case work thinks he should be given a new psych evaluation to make sure he’s ok and won’t be reverting to self-harm coping mechanisms as he did in the past. I’ve been emailing his case worker and therapist all week talking about what happened, how he can get closure from his bio mom and just generally how we can all help him to deal with his feelings about adoption and what happened to get him to this point. Recently he has been writing about some things from his life and it seems to be a good outlet for him. So, last night I suggested he continue the next story he told me he was going to write. He took to this idea and immediately began writing a story based on his relationship with his girlfriend.

Ah, the girlfriend. They’ve begun talking about sex and so I suppose it’s just a matter of time. She’s more experienced than he is (having gotten pregnant twice by her previous boyfriend) and the five months they’ve been together is the longest relationship for both of them. To him, she is a “good” girl, sweet and funny, and they will be together “forever.” They call one another kind and queen. I still wish they weren’t dating. She flat out asked him when and how he’d like to lose his virginity because she was feeling tempted. He doesn’t help the situation by doing things to turn her on, like nibbling on her ears and finding her “special” spots. From the stories he tells me, it seems like they have an awful lot of time at his after school programs to mess around with one another, PDAs and things like that, but never total privacy to do the deed. Still, with teens, when there’s a will they will find a way. We had a long conversation about this and I expressed how I felt he was still too young and how I wish he would wait until he was in a truly serious (talking marriage) relationship – or even better, married – he insisted it would not be any time soon. We talked about getting him some condoms, since his girlfriend is clearly not on birth control or capable of being responsible and I’m still on the fence about it. While I do want him to be safe I also don’t want him to see easy access to condoms as permission or endorsement of him becoming sexually active. Oh how I wish I wasn’t doing this part alone! We talked about all the responsibilities that come along with the fun of having sex and I guess at this point I just have trust him to do the right thing. I still wish his girlfriend was a little more innocent or that his friends didn’t tell him of all their sexual exploits (he had two gay friends who are sexually active and recently had a three some). Where is the beautiful innocence of childhood?

I had written before about how Primero is so desperate for me and his bio mom to be bosom buddies. He has begun watching the show The Fosters about a lesbian couple who are adoptive/foster parents and the kids refer to them as “moms” – like, “Why didn’t you tell Moms that you didn’t go to school today.” Primero jokingly said he wished he had two moms so he could call them “the moms” too. I responded by saying he does have two moms – me and his bio mom. This prompted his fantasy daydream about him celebrating his 21^st birthday with the two of us. He said he we would go to dinner, then a movie and stop to have a drink before he drove us both home. In his future world we are always lumped together and I struggle with this so so so much. I don’t feel comfortable spending much time with her and I don’t know how to overcome that, let alone develop any type of friendship with her. I know that Primero doesn’t (at least not outwardly) resent her for how her actions and inactions have affected his life, but I find that I’m not so forgiving. I’m angry at her for the hurt she caused him and even angrier that she continues to hurt him. She wanted me to have her cell phone number so we can talk “about anything” but I feel resistant to talking to her beyond when Primero is around. I won’t say I dislike her because that’s not the truth. I just don’t understand her or her lifestyle choices. She was blessed with the gift of fertility and she abused her gift and then gave up on him entirely. She asked about when she could have a visit with him before the court hearing on Tuesday. She was told she would need to call a case worker to set that up. She hadn’t make any effort since before Mother’s Day of last year. I’m mad at her for that. I’m mad at her for the crushed hopes and dashed spirits of a boy waiting to see his mother – his face set bravely stoic so no one would see his pain. I’m angry that she lured him out to meet her knowing the visits were supposed to be supervised. And I am so angry that she cannot and will not take responsibility for her actions that lead to my poor sweet boy entering foster care and then needing a permanent placement (i.e. adoption). I can’t stand the fact that her response, upon finding out he was upset that she was working towards getting Hermano back, was basically that he asked for it. She was blaming him for the things she had done (and not done) to him. And I loathe her for that because I felt the pain in his heart at this betrayal and unwarranted rejection. Primero deserves so much better! But, she has redeeming qualities, or so Primero believes, and therefore I must dig very deep within myself to find a way to make a connection with her, for his sake. So, I took a step in this direction and sent her a text. Last month I had asked Primero for her number to send along to Hermano’s foster mom (she had asked for it) and I went back through the old texts to find it and sent her a brief message. I know that it’s up to me to make the effort here, it’s up to me to get the ball rolling and try to carve a relationship out of this ball of wax. I’m not doing it for me, I’m not doing it for her, I’m doing it for Primero.

In addition to all the drama with Primero, there have  been growing issues going on with the little ones and their visits with bio mom. From court in December, bio mom was granted to have what they call “community” visits, meaning out and about in the community at various locations. The visits thus far have been at the local library and Burger King. This past Wednesday the visit was at Chick-fil-a. The visits can no longer be held at the library because the children and their mom have basically been banned. Apparently, during the visit there last week the girls vandalized a mural and so CHOR was contacted and asked to not bring them back to the library for a visit. According to the case worker, the bio mom wants to see the footage from the security camera and sue the library for what I don’t know. There had been talk about having the visit at the mall, which made me cringe. I joked about seeing the girls fishing for pennies in the water fountains, but given the lack of supervision it isn’t all that farfetched. The little girl had been struggling with the visits  being cancelled, since the bio mom was missing at least one of the two visits for several weeks in a row. She would become completely inconsolable when I would pick her up at daycare on a day she knew she was supposed to have a visit. So, they have also asked for bio mom to confirm the visit a day prior, in hopes of the little girl not reacting negatively to a cancelled visit. We shall see how it works. This past Saturday the bio mom skipped the new therapy but promised to be there this week. Honestly, I almost hope she keeps skipping these therapy sessions so we can have our Saturday mornings back.    

Unexpectedly Emotional Day in Court

So, Saturday was supposed to be a day for Primero and I to reminisce about our year together and celebrate our beautiful relationship. But, that’s not how things happened. Primero had a presentation for his after school program and he needed to be at the facility by 11 am. Since the program started at 1, I decided to have a massage (the little ones were in respite) and then come back for the program which lasted until 3. When we started talking about our one year anniversary celebration Primero had all these great plans and things he wanted us to do. He was excited and so was I. When we found out he would be occupied with his after school program event, I was disappointed. It ruined the day for me because I knew it meant taking him there early, going to the show, waiting for him to extract himself from his friends, listening to him rehash the show and by that time the day would be done. So, I was bummed. And with all the other issues swirling in my head, I got a bad attitude about it. And that didn’t help matters.

So, Saturday morning comes around and I make breakfast and give Primero the card I wrote him, something heartfelt and meaningful to me. I kind of suspected he had made me one of his lovely drawings, since he had just made one to celebrate 5 months with his girlfriend and because he made me something so beautiful for Mother’s Day last year. I was wrong. He didn’t even give me a hug that morning. When I tried to reminisce with him, he changed the subject to talk about his friends and show me their snapchat videos. I felt like I was nothing. I felt like he didn’t care a wit about me or about being a year in my home. I was crushed and spent my entire massage crying rather than relaxing. I tried to put on a happy face but I’m terrible at hiding my emotions. He asked me afterwards what was wrong and when I told him, he lost it. He screamed at me and then stopped talking to me altogether. For hours. We went to see the movie he wanted to see with my friend (she broke her ankle slipping on the ice and I had agreed to take her to the bank and then ended up taking her with us to the movies and dinner, since Primero was not talking to me). We sat on the ground row since she couldn’t navigate the stairs and Primero sat at the very top row. I was miserable, he was miserable, it was a terrible day. When we got home that night he finally began talking to me and we’ve patched things up a little more each day since.  

Yesterday we had court. Now, for me, court with Primero has simply been a show up, see the magistrate, move on with little change sort of exercise. In other words, it’s been easy, his bio mom was not at any of the previous hearings and things went smoothly and as expected. So, I had no inclination that yesterday would be the emotional mess that it was.

Primero and I were the first to arrive at court yesterday followed by a case worker supervisor from CHOR (our case worker was home with the stomach flu). Primero had asked me if his mother was going to be there (she had not been at the previous two court hearings we attended last year) and I said she would have been invited. We discovered upon registering that Hermano would also be there for court. Primero text bio mom to see if she was coming and she told him she was with her parole officer on floor 7. He wanted to go down and see her and I said we should wait for her to come up, which she did. So, we were all standing around waiting until finally Hermano and his foster mother and the case worker from the new agency showed up. Hermano gave me a big bear hug and we talked briefly. His new foster mother walked past all of us without even saying hello. Bio mom got a little miffed with her, stating she didn’t like how “some of these foster parents act like they better than all of us.” I guess in this instance, she had a point.

Not long after that we were ushered downstairs for court and then finally into the court room. They began by talking about Hermano’s case and there were glowing reports, bio mom was commended for doing all the things she was asked to do and the only thing remaining was for her to find stable housing. Hermano was also given kudos for the work he has been doing and told to keep it up. Hermano is allowed to have unsupervised visits with his mom as often as they like and the boys were granted visits together at least every other week either with me or at an after school program, like where Primero goes. There was a brief discussion as to why efforts were not made for the boys to be placed together, since it was noted that Hermano is in his third foster home. When this question was posed, there was a long pause, as it seems no one (the GAL, the CYS attorney, the CYS case worker for Hermano) knew the answer. Finally, the GAL mentioned that Primero was living with me at the time and that I was not able to take in another placement (or that they wouldn’t let me take in another placement due to having three currently). Still, the magistrate didn’t seem to think this demonstrated that “all reasonable effort” was made, but she moved on.  

They then spoke about Primero’s case and it was noted that TPR would be occurring in the coming weeks and that his case was moving along for PLC/adoption. All during court Primero was rather jovial, I think just enjoying the time spent with his mom and brother. After court Hermano was confused and was asking his case worker about what happened during his case review. So, once again it was said how great things are going how he seems to be on track to go back home and how both he and bio mom just need to keep doing what they are doing. Hermano and his foster mom and case worker left at this point. Both county workers and the CHOR worker were talking and bio mom, Primero and I had walked into the hallway. I had noticed Primero’s mood had changed as the case was discussed with his brother and county case worker. He was pulling away from the group and no longer interacting with his family. Unfortunately, I was talking to his county case worker (about him having visits with bio mom because she asked about it when we were waiting before court – the county worker said it would be fine for me to facilitate the visits since they wouldn’t be pursuing visits this close to TPR and it was agreed the visits should be supervised) and not paying as close attention to Primero at the time.

 

So, as we stood in the hallway, he was facing the elevators and bio mom asked me what was wrong with him because he would not talk to anyone and refused to turn around. It was at that point I heard him sniffling and saw his shoulders shaking. I instantly knew what was wrong because in my head all during the case reviews I was thinking, “Wow, this is messed up! I wish they weren’t talking about Hermano’s case and all its fabulousness in front of Primero!” I knew he was thinking, “Why are things going differently for Hermano?” And that is how he felt. He told me later in the car that he’s happy Hermano and bio mom have been able to better themselves and that they are doing so well right now, but he doesn’t understand why his mom is working so hard to get Hermano back when it seemed like she didn’t do a thing to get him back. When I told bio mom why I suspected Primero was upset she retorted, “ Well, he wanted to be adopted.” And while that is true (most days), it doesn’t make hearing his brother won’t have to travel that road any easier. It seemed like her guilt at losing him was causing her to push the responsibility back on Primero – like it was his fault he was being adopted and not related to anything she did or didn’t do. It made me angry. She did tell him he won’t lose her, she isn’t going anywhere and that she loves him. She then made him come over and hug me. My heart broke for him.

We took bio mom home but he didn’t really speak to her while she was in the car. Her and I spoke a little and she wanted him to give her my number, so we could talk in the future. She said I could ask her anything and also accused me of being stand-offish at times (Primero later told me she was talking about Christmas – I told him it was awkward for me and I was really just trying to let them have family time and not interrupt with my presence). I don’t really know what she wants from me. I’ve never been anything but cordial towards her. I don’t’ really want to be her bff. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I know that Primero would like that, he would truly like if we were good friends, but I just don’t think that would happen. Our personalities clash more than they mesh and mostly I just feel awkward around her. Her telling me I’m stand-offish made me realize that I do have to make more of an effort to push past my feelings of discomfort and try to be more welcoming of her. Simply for the sake of Primero. I’m sorry to say, but it won’t be easy. Primero might be forgiving and let her off the hook for all the shit she put him through, but I just can’t draw close to her knowing how badly she hurt the son I love so much. And how she is still hurting him with this latest development. She blames the county for taking her son and refuses to admit that her actions played a role in his removal and subsequent adoption. When I reported what happened to Primero’s usual case worker she mentioned that in the beginning bio mom was doing what she needed to do to get Primero back, so I guess the fat lady has not yet sung for Hermano’s case. Still, it’s an ugly thing this reality of foster care and adoption. And, no matter how much I love him, I will never be able to love away his desire to be wanted by his bio mom. I won’t ever be enough, in that sense.

After we dropped off bio mom we headed to the mall for some retail therapy and Primero started crying again. He said he was angry at himself for crying in front of the case workers and in public. But, he was also hurt. He said he just didn’t understand why his mom was working so hard to get Hermano back. He wanted to know what was different between himself and Hermano that made her change and do everything she needed to do when she didn’t do anything for him. He said he felt like he didn’t matter.  I just tried to validate his feelings, let him know he shouldn’t try to hide or stuff his feelings but let them out. I said he had a right to feel what he was feeling, hurt, disappointed, angry, rejected. I also told him he had plenty of people to talk to about it, including me. Before she left the car bio mom asked Primero to call her later that night to “curse her out.” He called her and had a 60 second conversation. I heard him utter under his breath after he hung up (I guess she was busy when he called?), “I don’t know why she told me to call her.”

 

I think, as TPR and finalization creep closer and reality is staring him in the face, Primero is fearful of change and the future. I think, ever since he went to see his mom without permission, he’s developed this fantasy that she will work a miracle and “get him back” and I think this is some of the reason we have been struggling lately. We are both stressing over False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR). He fears that since he “messed up” I would kick him out (as has happened to him in the past with other adults) and so he’s been pulling away and questioning if he really wants to be adopted or if he should wait for the fantasy to become reality. I have been fearing his rejection and that I’m losing him, just as I lost Flaco and all the other placements I have loved. He thought that, after he was adopted, his mom could take me to court to get him back, if she stayed on the straight and narrow and could prove it to the courts. I think he’s caught between the past happy memories of the mother he wants his mom to be and the reality of it all. And so he’s wishy-washy about adoption because it would essentially bring all those fantasies to a close. He had been feeling doubts again last week and didn’t tell me about it until Monday. I was hurt that he never said anything to me because I don’t want him to feel like he can’t talk to me about things. He said to me last night that he doesn’t want to hurt bio mom or me, that he wants to make us both happy. I told him this decision (adoption) needs to be him making the best decision for himself and that we are both adults and will be fine and support his decision. It was a very (unexpectedly) emotional day yesterday!

One Year Anniversary with Primero

This was supposed to be posted on February 28, 2015 but, well things didn't go as planned.......

One year ago today my life changed; this time for the better. While I was still feeling reluctant, I had agreed to accept a foster care placement for a 14 year old boy. He had been with me for multiple weekends in a row and was already beginning to wriggle his way into my heart. He was sweet and sensitive, boisterous and animated, funny and weird, but also a beautiful young man both inside and out. After a few short weeks his tenure with me went from temporary to permanent, as I couldn’t bare allowing the county to put him in a boy’s home just so I could have a baby. I knew him and knew he deserved better than that. So, I agreed to take him as a permanent foster care placement. We began to settle into our routine. Then, it became obvious he would not be returning home and  I was asked to “take custody” of him when his case reached that point. He then went from a weekend respite foster child to an adopted son. And our relationship really blossomed at that point, once we could love freely without holding back, without reservations or attempts to protect our hearts from the inevitable separation. Our story is special to me, as special as this sweet boy is cherished in my heart. I never expected to adopt a teenage child because I never thought I would be able to grow attached to a teenage child. But, I have. I love Primero with all my heart and I am so, so happy to have him in my life. I’m so blessed to be able to call him my son.  I wrote the following to him in a heartfelt letter:

 

Primero,

  My beloved. One year ago my life was changed for the better. Wow! One year and yet it feels like I’ve known you a life time; it feels like we’ve always been together, our hearts are kindred spirits. I don’t know what I can say to you that I haven’t already said in previous letters I’ve written, so I will just reiterate how blessed I am to have you in my life, as my son. There are a lot of adoption stories out there but ours is and always will be my favorite. Last year, when I agreed to have you move in with me, I thought it was for a short period of time. We were having such a good time when you came to visit on the weekends, I thought it would nice to have you stay for a bit longer. I clearly remember telling you, in the kitchen as you complained about the new “ratched” foster family, that you were moving in with me. To see you so happy when I said you were moving in, oh I don’t ever want to forget that moment! It’s simply my favorite! But then my heart was torn into pieces when I heard that you would be moved away if an adoptive placement was found for me. I think I was already falling in love with you by that point and I just couldn’t bear the thought of you being shoved into a cold, loveless shelter. You didn’t deserve that, you didn’t deserve any of what happened to you, but you certainly didn’t deserve to be in a shelter. I knew I had to find a way to let you stay, just a little while longer. I had no peace in my heart until I decided to build the basement bedroom and make a permanent space for you. It wasn’t long after that when we found out your stay would indeed be permanent, that you had found a home. When you asked if I would consider adopting you, I was taken aback. I never dreamed my first child would be a teenage boy taller than me! But, I knew I loved you and if you were happy being in my home I knew we could make it work. This year has been one of growth for both of us. My heart grew to accept a “placement” that wasn’t something I had previously thought I could do. Yet, I am so blessed, so honored to be chosen as your mother. You are a beautiful young man. I am so proud of your accomplishments and I marvel at your resilience. You have never and will never let adversity keep you down. Your heart is good and kind, you are loyal to those you love and fun to be around. You are definitely one special kid. And I love you so much sometimes I think my heart might burst. I am glad we are a family and I am so anxious and excited and happy for the day to finally come when you will be my forever son. My sweet boy. I love you. Here’s to many, many more happy years together!

 Love,

Mom