Do You Have an Exit Buddy?

I’ve been sort of seeing someone for about a month now. When we met up for drinks Saturday night he asked me, “So, what are we?” Ugh, the dreaded question! I answered truthfully and non-committedly that I thought we were dating. But, here’s the thing – he is way more into me than I am into him. Not only that, but he has already brought up the whole biological child thing, which sent me into a spiral for a few days. I had to explain to him the likelihood that I would not be able to get pregnant. He had a come-what-may attitude about it, but it just made me so sad. I’ve had this conversation more than I would like to and each time it stings. The reactions I’ve received run the gamut from total acceptance (it doesn’t matter to me either way) to total denial (are you sure it can’t happen? I have super magical sperm, I’m sure I could make it happen). It’s not an easy thing to live over and over again, but I feel it’s only fair to let someone know the reality of the situation. Would I love to have a biological child? Yes. But, am I willing to dive back into infertility treatments again? That path lead me to some pretty dark places and I just don’t want to flirt with going back there. When I spoke to a friend about being fearful and not wanting to go down the infertility treatment path again, she suggested I might feel differently if I had a partner who was supportive. Flaco was about as supportive as dog poop, so she had a point. But, I know me. I know this was a major obsessive thing for me and not in a healthy way, but in a soul-sucking, black hole kind of way. I can’t try just a little, I go whole hog. I have no chill when it comes to infertility. So, while we aren’t at that point in our relationship, I’ve already had to reel myself in, stop the obsessing and what-if thinking and that scares me. I have lately come to learn just how deeply I was hurt by my ex-husband. I often times feel like I am not enough because I can’t conceive a biological child and who would want to be strapped to that for better or for worse? I am also fearful of falling in love again, fearful of giving that control to another man lest he use it to hurt me, as Flaco did. I’m trying to just let go and let it be, but I am so not good at that! I am fairly freaked out by his attachment and almost repulsed that he likes me so much. It’s a sad fact that I am already looking for an exit buddy to develop an escape plan. He started talking about meeting the kids and I started having heart palpitations and not in a good way. Maybe I’ve been alone too long. Maybe my instincts are telling me something. Maybe I’m more screwed up than I thought I was! Maybe I wouldn’t be so freaked out if he hadn’t brought the baby-thing into the equation. I don’t know, honestly. I’m just trying to take things one day at a time….