Deus ex Machina

I have no new news. I have not spoken to my CHOR case worker since Friday, she was not in the office yesterday which I only know because I called her. I have not heard from the county worker, not since the Friday school meeting in August. She never responded to my email questioning if I should entertain the new therapy and she hasn’t reached out to me since dropping the enormous bomb of Grandma stepping forward for Chica Marie. Nothing but radio silence. This is the worst part of being a foster parent, this suspended animation, sitting and waiting for the guillotine to drop and lop off your head while you are powerless to stop it. I am perpetually on the brink of tears. I feel totally and utterly worthless. I feel raw and undone, almost like I’m an alien in my own skin. I move, I perform tasks, I breathe in and out, but I do not feel. The pain has drained all feeling from my body, leaving me numb and empty. Most of the time I find it hard to get a good deep breath.

 

On Friday I posted on Facebook, “Never ask how things can get worse. Because they can. Be less trusting because trust leads to hurt. You never know who will stab you in the back.” Grandma hearted it and responded, “Hang in there (a nickname I only allow close friends and family to use on occasion)!” On Sunday she posted, “Most important people in children’s lives are their loving family. Family they have create memories with. Period!” Friday afternoon she called me while I was at work. I did not answer. She left a message asking if I had heard from the county case worker and if we could set up a visit with Chica Marie. She knew about what was going on, that is evident by her referencing the county case worker and because she only asked for Chica Marie to visit, not Love Bug. Yesterday afternoon she sent me a text message. “Hi (nickname I would rather she not use), I spoke with Chica Marie’s CHOR worker on Friday and she explained that it wasn’t a time for Chica Marie to visit, but to call on Monday to setup a date. So I am reaching out to find out a date in October that the kids can visit.” I responded, “I don’t know our schedule right now. I’ll take a look and let you know.” And she said, “Ok thanks.” No mention of the county worker or the transition and now, it seems, she was including Love Bug, like it’s any old visit. I’m feeling so jumbled I can’t make heads nor tails of all of this. I feel like she is being duplicitous right now, after I was painfully transparent. If I am given a choice, I would not have the children spend the night, rather a day visit with me present. The end of last month I felt like our relationship was getting easier and more comfortable. Now, I feel like I cannot trust her and want to distance myself and keep the children more sheltered. I’m not saying cut ties, just pull back and be less trusting. I feel like I need to circle the wagons for self-preservation. I need to play my cards a lot closer to my chest and put on my poker face.

 

Part of me is trying to give the benefit of the doubt – maybe the county presented things to Grandma in a way that made it sound like I’m ok with this or I’m on board or maybe even that I asked for this in some way. Maybe things were blown out of proportion…. But, if I really sit and think about it, I know this is not true. At the very least, why didn’t Grandma talk openly with me, like I did with her? I don’t know how things got to this point. And, because I have a feeling the county worker is going to evade a face-to-face meeting, I don’t know if I will ever understand the illogical logic behind this mess. We have court the beginning of October (unless this gets changed by the county). At our last court hearing 6 months ago the former county worker was confident the adoption would have been finalized by this point in time. Now, instead, we are dealing with this mess that makes no sense. I truly believe the county worker owes me an explanation, but clearly she doesn’t see it that way. How she could so callously email this new development to the CHOR case worker and not give it another thought is beyond me. She can’t have a conscious or any shred of humanity. She sat in the meeting last month and watched me cry, telling me it’s the sign of a good mother. Curiously, she said I’m proving my love for Chica Marie by being willing to let her go. In hindsight this comment seems more sinister than it did at the time. At the time I thought she meant letting her go for therapeutic foster care but now I believe she had a different agenda.

 

I want to believe someone, somewhere will look at this mess and say, “Hold on a second!” I wish I could believe the Guardian ad Litem would observe this Deus ex Machina move and tap the breaks on it. But, I don’t get a chance to talk to the GAL, the county has her ear. And, I am sure if they ask Chica Marie where she wants to go she would say Grandma – she’s said it to me on various occasions. She would choose to live with her sister because her sister was her stand-in mother, her care-taker from a very young age. Besides, what little kid wouldn’t say they want to live with their grandparents? I loved my grandparents and at 6 I might have said I’d rather live with them, they didn’t discipline me like my parents did and my Nana made really good pies! Would the judge see this and question the reasoning of moving a child after being in a pre-adoptive home for three years? Probably not because biology reigns supreme (never mind the fact that they share no biological connection). I don’t get to speak in court except to say I am present. The only person to take the stand and testify is the county worker and I’m sure she’ll have some glib spin on things. So, who would question her? The whole system is rigged and I am silenced because I am “just” a foster parent. This is what sucks the most about foster care. The all-powerful CYS throws their weight around and the courts and all other parties kowtow to their demands. If it’s this bad for a semi-savvy foster parent how much worse is it for an uninitiated biological parent? *F* you foster care!