While we were waiting to take the ferry across the Delaware River
from Penn’s Landing to the Adventure Aquarium in Camden, we walked along the
river, stopping to take pictures and loiter. Primero hates when I take pictures
of him and I can only occasionally convince him to reluctantly let me get cute
photos of him with the kids. His friend, who has been spending A LOT of time
with us, had no qualms with me snapping as many pictures as I wanted with him
and the kids and he even posed in front of a ship holding Love Bug. Due to a physical
resemblance, Primero snarled, “Look, you can get all the pictures you want with
Friend. Maybe you should have adopted him instead of me.” His words floored me.
First, I wasn’t henpecking him for pictures as I sometimes do. I wasn’t even
joking about how his friend took pictures with his siblings when he refused. In
fact, unless there was a cartoon bubble above my head showing him my thoughts
(which probably would have read, “I need a beer!”), I have no idea why he said
what he did because it was not a reaction to anything I had said. Maybe he was
going on my past comments used to guilt him into letting me snap a few shots, I
don’t know. But, when he said what he said I felt my heart break in my chest. A
sadness flooded me. Nearly four years together, almost two years adopted and my
son still has some feelings of insecurity. He thinks I would want to swap him
out with a more compliant teenager just for some good photo ops. I like his
friend, he’s a nice kid, but he’s not my Primero. Are there some rough edges I’d
like to soften with Primero? Sure. I’m sure he feels the same way about me. The
only thing I said at the time was, “I don’t want to adopt Friend.” Primero wasn’t
listening, having walked away while I found the best angle to get the kids and
the boat behind them. I haven’t brought it back up since, but it’s been on my
mind. Just one simple comment, but the weight it carried was phenomenal.
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Maybe he said that BECAUSE you weren't teasing or pushing him for pics? Not in spite of? Sometimes kids act like they hate it when you do that stuff, when really, deep down, they love it. When they push us away is when they need us most, way down deep... and maybe you backing off (which was obviously done out of love and acceptance of his wishes) felt to him like he was being ignored or left out? Just a thought I had while reading.
ReplyDeleteYes, I believe this might have been what instigated the comment. Not that he wanted to be in the pictures because he does truly hate it, but he wanted my attention, he wanted me to want him in the pictures. Such a fine line to have to walk in wanting to uphold is wish to NOT be in the pictures but also let him know I would really like him to be in the pictures. Not an easy thing to balance!
DeleteI agree with Amy. It's likely the comment came up because you were not henpecking him and taking photos of Friend. It's part being a teenager and part insecurity.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I guarantee he heard your response, even if he didn't respond. It's the fact he didn't that shows me you got through. So you have two options going forward: being direct and revisiting the issue or waiting for him to bring it up again. There are pros and cons to both, so weigh out what feels best for you. But I promise he heard you:
I was also going to say what Amy said.
ReplyDeleteI just want to give him a hug - but being a teenager, he wouldn't appreciate that! So I'll send one to you.