Delightful

In 2016 I discovered the Word of the Year. It was a way to bring focus to a goal or part of a goal you wished to achieve in the coming new year. Three years ago things were murky with the little ones and other upheavals in our lives made me choose the word Stay, as in “stay the course” and see it through. In 2017 I wanted something to push growth and I chose the word Thrive to imply not just growth but also accomplishment, flourishing. Last year I was feeling rather ho-hum about the whole thing until a random Facebook quiz alerted me to the word Ready. I felt ready for something to come to an end and for new things to get started. It seemed like a good fit. I feel like the words I chose worked for those years but they also feel hard, like words of struggle or strife. I want to enjoy 2019, I want to find joy in the everyday and leave the harder things behind. I tried a random word assignment quiz and it gave me dance. I chose again and it gave me organize, then escape, and finally blossom before I moved onto a different quiz. The second quiz gave me the word Delight. Ah, yes that fits! I want 2019 to be a delight; light and airy and full of beautiful things! 2019 - Delight

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Random Acts of Kindness Recap

I worry that I am not doing enough to teach my children to be kind. Often times their behaviors are anything but and it makes me worry about how they will be as adults. So, I decided to have us prepare for Christmas by performing 24 random acts of kindness. It seemed like a big way to show my kids it was good to be nice and it didn’t have to cost us much to be kind. Love Bug didn’t seem to grasp the idea at all and, as per his usual M.O., he participated under his own terms. Sometimes he would really be involved and then skip out after a few minutes. The one task he loved was collecting the shopping carts, mostly because he was pretending to couple trains together. Other than that, he was mostly ambivalent to our tasks. Chica Marie seemed to really catch on to our scheme and she even asked me, after Christmas was over, what we would do for our act of kindness. So, there is some understanding and she seemed to recognize doing something kind felt nice. But, I worry it might be another way for her to seek attention. Still, it would better for her to seek positive attention than the negative attention she seems to relish.

 

I made a promise to myself to not broadcast our acts on social media. I didn’t want to use the acts as a way for other people to congratulate us or call to attention what we were doing. I wanted us to remain as anonymous as possible. This wasn’t a publicity stunt. I don’t want my kids doing nice things and then snapping a selfie to congratulate themselves. I wanted it to be more natural than that. To be honest, it was awkward sometimes. We handed out cards with positive messages. It’s one thing for that to come from a child, but another when it comes from an adult. Monetarily we didn’t have much to spend with the holidays coming up, so I struggled to find things we could do that wouldn’t cost much money. Honestly, for me, this was the hardest part. How easy it would have been to just toss money around! But, that really wouldn’t have been the best example, so I found non-monetary ways to be kind for the most part. It did get grueling for me to add this to our already busy lives. I got creative and lazy, to be honest. But, for the most part, we persevered. If we do this again next year, we will definitely choose less time. But, I am also thinking about us doing something once a month. There are things on our list we still haven’t done, so maybe we could do one a month for the next year and end the year with two weeks of daily acts of kindness. My take away is, this needs to be more of a habit instead of being linked to a holiday. Maybe then it will become more second nature for my kids.    

Waffles and Ice Cream

Friday evening the little ones and I had dinner with Mini Momma and Grandma. I was surprised that Grandma only brought Mini Momma because usually other family members tag along, which is  nice. Chica Marie was stuck to her sisters side the entire meal. Love Bug remember the last time we met there for breakfast and insisted he have a waffle again. And, like last time, he whined and cried until the waffle came out. Then, he ate his sister’s dinner, which was chicken fingers and French fries. Grandma has brought along gifts for the kids and we had something for Mini Momma and Grandma. Chica Marie got one of the lol surprise things and needed help figuring out how to open it. We had gotten Mini Momma a bunch of spa things for her to relax and unwind. Love Bug got a large fire truck, which made noise. He really wanted to take it out of the packaging but we didn’t have a way to cut it out, so he had to wait until we got home. After the kids barely ate their dinner, Grandma ordered them ice cream and taught Love Bug the joy of waffles and ice cream. It was adorable how he imitated her mm-mm-mmm-mmm-mm noise as he tried his first bite. He even made me try it.

 

Mini Momma begged to allow Chica Marie to get the ap hangouts so they could video call one another. After talking to Primero about it, I decided it would not be safe for Chica Marie, so we will need to think of another way for them to chat. Mini Momma doesn’t seem to understand the age gap between herself and Chica Marie. Mini Momma is a tween, on the brink of puberty and all that jazz. Chica Marie is still a little girl and I plan on her being a little girl for as long as possible. Not that I am trying to keep her from growing up, I just want her to stay age-appropriate in a world trying to make her into a little woman. I want her to play with dolls and believe in Santa for as long as possible. Soon enough Chica Marie will be a tween and then teenager, so I’m trying to keep her sweet innocence for as long as possible. It isn’t easy and it is especially difficult since Mini Momma and Grandma both seem to see her as older than she is. Not only is Chica Marie four years younger than Mini Momma, she is also emotionally a little younger than that. So, she needs some time to catch up and I won’t have her rushed. So, if she can’t video chat on her new tablet with her sister, so be it. They will have to talk in person or through my phone.

 

I am glad that both sisters have seemed to out-grow the tears and hysterical crying they had at every parting in the past. It always seemed to sour the end of the visit when one or both girls were wailing at their parting. Chica Marie did pout but a promise from me and Grandma that we would look at our calendars and see when we could arrange another meeting seemed to turn her frown upside down. All-in-all it was a good visit.

Best Birthday Ever

Initially Chica Marie wanted to spend the night with her sister for her birthday. I had already spoken to her grandmother and made plans for the following weekend. So, instead Chica Marie settled on getting dinner, which turned into lunch, at a restaurant of her choice. First thing in the morning she opened her gifts and chose to wear one of her new dresses. The shoes I got her were a bit too big, which was disappointing, but she wears them around the house for the time being. She will eventually grow into them. After she opened her presents, I made her birthday cake. She asked for a chocolate cake and strawberry icing, then changed her mind to vanilla icing. So, I used my mom’s black cake recipe and planned to use her cooked icing recipe, which is made in two parts so I cooked the milk and flour to make the special icing paste. We had lunch at Appleby’s and then went to Wal-Mart and the mall briefly. Chica Marie had asked to go to the complex where Primero works, which made it easy for us to get him to work on time. Sadly, at the trampoline park the kids could not jump together. They have an area for the little kids and a the rest of the space for everyone else. Love Bug was much too short to be allowed into the big people space and Chica Marie was too tall to be allowed with the little kids. I tried to split my time between them, but I was technically supposed to be watching Love Bug. They both had a good time but they would have had a better time if they had been allowed to stay together. After they jumped for over an hour, Chica Marie got some of the foam stuff in her eye, so we had to use the first aid eye flush, which she made a big deal about. Then, we went to find the bathroom, only we found Santa instead. So, after our impromptu photo session, the kids used the bathroom and we went to the arcade area. We found where Primero works and he challenged me to the hot seat. It was fun but I did not win. The kids ran around playing games and I worried about Love Bug melting down, since that is what has happened every time we’ve been there. He did really good and didn’t whine at all when I said it was time to go home and have cake. I had to finish the icing first and then I let the kids decorate the cake, which they loved. Copious quantities of icing were consumed. We sang to Chica Marie and then it was time for baths and bed. As we were in bed trying to get the kids off their sugar high and to sleep, Chica Marie sighed from the top bunk and declared, “Mommy, this was the best birthday ever!” Bless her sweet little heart!

Christmas Drama Mama

I loved Christmas as a child. It was a time where family gathered together, favorite foods were created, and there was a magical zest in the air. The first Christmas that I didn’t believe in Santa was slightly tarnished, as was the year my brother convinced me to help him find our gifts, but mostly I have fond memories of the holiday. Sadly, as an adult most of my Christmas memories are not as jolly. Christmas is a tough time for my kiddos for a lot of reasons. Our schedules get messed up, there is more to do and see and of course the expectation of the big day, not to mention remembering they are separated from their biological family and the sadness that brings. So, every year since the kids have moved in I have tried to keep my expectations very low. I thought I was doing an ok job of it this year until I was blind sighted by my biological family drama.

 

My sister had spoken to me the Friday before Christmas about doing a dinner instead of our typical brunch. It would mean less rushing around for us in the morning, so I was game. She agreed to contact our mom and discuss the details with her. I’m not clear on how that conversation went or if it even occurred. Saturday was Chica Marie’s birthday. We had plans to celebrate her day, starting with lunch at a restaurant of her choice so Primero could join us, since he would be working at dinner time. After lunch we ran a few brief errands and then took Primero to work where the kids played in the arcade and jumped in the trampoline park. But, on our way to taking Primero to work, I noticed I had two missed calls from my dad, two missed calls from my mom and a missed call from my sister. I wondered if they were trying to reach me to wish Chica Marie a happy birthday. I called my mom back. She answered and it soon became clear she not only did not remember it was Chica Marie’s birthday, she also didn’t care. She called me to cancel Christmas. She told me she “just couldn’t pretend” this year and didn’t want us to come over. I was dumfounded. Sadly, I had her on speaker phone, thinking she would want to say, “Happy Birthday!” to Chica Marie. I sat in the van as Primero took the kids inside to play and I called my sister. Apparently she too had been told our mother was not participating in Christmas this year. We decided to meet for pedicures the next day and talk about how we wanted to make Christmas for ourselves.

 

Sunday morning our mom text us both stating our father would like to see us for Christmas and we should contact him. I called and text but he didn’t respond to me. My sister decided her and her husband would come to see us Christmas Eve on their way to his grandfather’s place for dinner. We would exchange gifts and celebrate on our own. My dad called me Monday morning asking to see us for breakfast the day after Christmas. I told him I was going back to work so we agreed to meet at Nana’s house on Christmas day.

As I was in the grocery store later that same day, my mom called me. I didn’t respond until I was back in my car. She wanted to know how to get the children’s gifts to them. I told her whatever was convenient for her. If she wanted, she could send them with Dad to the market and I could pick them up there. She was clearly crying. She said, “I don’t know why it has to be this way.” I told her we were only trying to abide by her wishes. “Well you didn’t for my birthday!” Her birthday was the last time she told my sister and I off. I responded that maybe it was a mistake that we didn’t abide by her wishes on her birthday. She began crying harder. She told me my sister and I don’t have any compassion or empathy for her. “You have such compassion for everyone else but not for your own mother,” she accused me. She also essentially told me I am supposed to intuitively know what she needs and wants and once again told me both my sister and I are bad daughters. I managed to not cry during our conversation but bawled my eyes out after we hung up.

During our conversation my mom managed to get a clue out of me as to when we were seeing our dad. I worried she might make a big deal out of us being on the farm and not coming to her house. I told my sister and my dad that I would not subject my children to any drama. We would quietly and quickly leave if anything started. My mom didn’t show up at our grandmother’s place. Our dad showed up with evidence he had been crying. He cried a little when talking to my sister. I know it was so hard on him. As my sister said, our mother was playing a game and expecting us to beg to see her. Instead, we took her at her word and didn’t. During our phone conversation my mom mentioned she wanted to watch Love Bug open the train she got him – a replica Polar Express. She would have been delighted because his reaction didn’t disappoint. He was nearly vibrating with joy, somehow knowing before even seeing, he had gotten the train he wanted for Christmas. His joy was palpable and beautiful. It’s so sad she missed it.  

The Last Cry

Not long after being unfairly stripped of the vice president title at school (his presidential running mate decided she didn’t want the work that came with the title after they won the election. There’s a lot more politicking to it than that, but that’s the Reader’s Digest version), Primero got involved in a play (titled, The Last Cry) that was written by a fellow classmate. He tried out on a whim and won the leading male role. The plot was related to bullying and suicide prevention and slated to be performed during suicide/bulling prevention day at school. I had read the script and knew a lot about the play from Primero, but the scene where the girl harms herself still got me. It was very intense and sadly realistic. Primero played a very convincing abusive boyfriend, which agitated one of the men sitting near me during the play. I was so proud of Primero and so glad he chose to be a part of this play. In a way, I felt like my old Primero was back, the one who was involved in something he was passionate about and who worked really hard to produce something he could be proud of. I was immensely proud of him and I’m really looking forward to seeing the follow up that he says is in the works. Apparently, the filmography teacher wants to make a short film and submit it to a film festival. This is something Primero is good at, something that helps him hone his creativity and get connected with likeminded friends. I sincerely hope he is able to stay involved in the short film and can enjoy the film festival as well.

Random Act of Kindess - Day 24

On Christmas Eve, our last day for random acts of kindness, I wanted to take cookies to the local fire fighters, just down the street from us. Only, I never got a chance to call the station and understand the rules about bringing in outside, homemade food stuff. We had baked the vanilla cookies and decorated them with red and green icing and plenty of pretty sprinkles. I just didn’t want to get the kids all hyped up about taking them into the fire house only to be turned away. My fault for not doing better due-diligence. We will have to take the cookies in sometime this week.

Random Act of Kindness - Day 23

On Saturday my family drama was kicked into high gear, so finding a moment to breathe and figure things out for our act of kindness was difficult. I decided, in addition to being kind to others, we should also be kind to ourselves. So, I went for a professional mani-pedi with my sister and then gave a mani-pedi bath spa to Chica Marie and Love Bug later in the day. Love Bug chose to have his finger nails painted green and his toe nails painted red. Chica Marie chose to use alternating red and green on her toes and fingers. We also used her unicorn bath bomb, the shea butter mask, and the new body wash and lotion she got for her birthday. Chica Marie was really into all of it while Love Bug was mostly interested in splashing in the bath tub.

Random Act of Kindness - Day 22

On Saturday it was Chica Marie’s birthday. She asked to have dinner at a local chain restaurant and then wanted to go to the building where Primero works to jump in the trampoline park and play arcade games. We decided for our act of kindness, we would let other people get ahead of us for the games and the trampolines. Chica Marie did a pretty good job with it and made a friend while bounding around. Love Bug struggled with letting other kids around him jump into the foam pit before him or waiting for them to finish the balance beam before he started across. But, he did not get moody or grumpy about it, so I call it a win.

Random Act of Kindness - Day 21

I got distracted and forgot about posting the final things we did for our acts of kindness. More on that hot mess later. So, the Friday before Christmas, I took the day off from work. I needed to get the Christmas shopping done and I knew I wouldn’t have the time over the weekend. It worked out because I was also able to complete some other errands, like getting the inspection stickers for the van which I had neglected doing since the windshield was smashed back in November. I also had to run into CHOR briefly. I even managed to catch Primero’s play at school, which was phenomenal. More on this later too. Anyway, since I had the time, I decided to get coffee and munchkins from Dunkin Donuts for the daycare staff. Love Bug insisted on having one munchkin in the car, but then he proudly carried the box into the center and happily gave it to his teacher. We got three thank you hugs for our kind gesture and I was happy at how pleased the teachers were at such a simple gift. I was even more grateful at how happy Love Bug was to give away something he really likes. Maybe this kindness thing will catch on after all….

Random Act of Kindness - Day 20

Much to Chica Marie's dismay, our act of kindness today was not on our original list of things to do. We had another busy day today, so I suggested we just smile at everyone we meet and wish them a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. It was a simple act, something we could all do all day long. Chica Marie reported she wished all her teachers a Merry Christmas. Love Bug told a few of the daycare teachers, mostly at Chica Marie's prompting. I managed to wish everyone I encountered today a Happy Holidays. It was nice. And everyone I spoke to smiled back and reciprocated the well wishes.

Random Act of Kindness - Day 19

Last night Chica Marie came into my room to sleep on my floor. I'm not sure how long after making the grueling trek through the kitchen, past the bathroom, into the living room and finally my room, she woke me up crying.

"Chica, what's wrong?" I asked groggily. I thought maybe a cat or dog had accidentally done something to hurt or scare her.

"I need to go to the bathroom," she whined, sobbing.

"So go," I responded, hoping to fall back to sleep quickly but already worrying I wouldn't.

"I'm scared!" she cried, sobbing even harder.

"I'm right here, just go," I responded.

She stood in my doorway and muttered, "The Christmas tree is scaring me."

"But, you know it's the tree, so just go," I finally convinced her to dash to the bathroom. And, then I struggled to fall back to sleep. And the day really didn't improve too much from there.

After work Love Bug and I drove to the bowling alley to pick up Chica Marie. Then we rushed back into town, grabbed dinner at McDonald's and got to Chica Marie's dance practice just in the nick of time. At practice, Love Bug accidentally peed on my leg. We got home, cleaned up after the dogs and got Chica Marie in the tub when Primero text me asking to be picked up from work. It was a long, grueling day. And work sucked a lot too.

On our ride home from practice, Chica Marie asked what our random act of kindness was going to be. She was verbally sparing with Love Bug and I suggested they be nice to one another and not fight because that is kind.

"But, that is not on the list!" she insisted.

"It will be when we get home!" I declared. Honestly, it was the very best we could do today.

Random Act of Kindness - Day 18

Tonight was the CHOR Christmas party. I wasn't going to sign us up to attend. The kids are adopted, so it felt weird to be going to a foster care party. I do know another family who adopted years ago and still attends nearly every year. I guess they are still thinking of adopting again. But, when the family worker asked if we were going last week the kids begged to go and I conceded. I didn't have anything planned for our act of kindness. I was going to take cookies to the local firefighters but I didn't want to rush it and we would have been pressed for time tonight. We talked about it a bit on the ride to the Christmas party, so I thought I would keep an eye out for the kids doing nice things. Chica Marie was kind to her brother and other little kids, playing nicely with them. She was also helping our previous family worker and acting very well behaved. Love Bug was having fun playing and being nice to the other kids. He didn't get too upset when he saw me holding a baby. He was also very chatty and nice to the two entertainers who were there for the kids. I pointed out what I saw on our ride home and thought that would be good for our act of kindness. But, as I was laying with Love Bug on the bottom bunk, Chica Marie asked why we didn't do anything today. She was not satisfied with my response about the kind things they did at the party. So, I suggested she say one nice thing about her brother and asked her brother to say once nice thing about her. Then they asked me to say nice things about Primero, his friend, Esperanza and Primero's friends dog as well at the two of them. Chica Marie was disappointed this activity was not listed on the paper where I wrote out ideas. She wanted to double check our list to make sure we stick to doing the things written there. At least I know she will keep me honest!

Random Act of Kindness - Day 17

This morning we took some homemade vanilla cookies to the daycare for Love Bug to share with his friends as our act of kindness. We made the cookies yesterday and the kids helps icing and decorate them. They looked pretty nice and tasted pretty good too. It kind of feels like a cop-out because it was relatively simple, but one of Love Bug's teachers said how much she appreciated the cookies. We are getting closer to the end am I'm so ready for that!

Wanted: Diverse Santa

 

As we were falling asleep a few nights ago, Chica Marie chirruped a question from the top bunk.

 

“Mommy, why is Santa white?” my tired mind didn’t process the question immediately, thinking she meant why did he wear white.

 

So I answered, “I guess that’s just traditionally been the color.”

 

“I wish Santa was brown, like me. I wish Santa had the same skin color as me,” she replied wistfully, cluing me into what she meant by her first question.

 

Contemplating an answer I said, “You know, it would make more sense if Santa were brown because Santa is for the whole world and I think there are more brown people than white people on Earth.”

 

“But, Mommy, in America there are more white people,” came Chica Marie’s sage reply.

 

As I snuggled Love Bug off to slumber land, I thought how I have never seen a black Santa in the mall or any other location in our area. At Primero’s school event Santa was played by a Hispanic man, but that is the most non-white Santa I’ve encountered. I know, from a group I belong to on Facebook, that other transracial families seek out diverse Santa’s, which can sometimes prove difficult depending on where they are located. Maybe I could petition the mall to get a Santa of color for next year. Or maybe I can find a black Santa figurine for our home. For right now, we are stuck with the various white Santa’s we will encounter until Christmas.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Random Act of Kindness - Day 16

So, I cracked today. I told the kids in the morning, after breakfast, we would do something nice for one another for our act of kindness today. I decided I would put clean sheets on the kids beds. Usually, I make them do it, so it seemed like a simple enough thing. But, the kids have bunkbeds. And, as I remembered while making Chica Marie's bed, I don't usually make her bed because I cannot get onto her bed and back down safely. I was stuck on top of her bed the second time I crawled up to adjust her bed spread. It occurred to me, as I was gathering my strength and resolve to climb back down off the top bunk, I don't think this whole kindness thing is working out the way I had hoped. Of my three kids, I have one who is not participating at all (Primero), one who will only do fun things or only be involved briefly (Love Bug) and one who seems to like it but also seems to lose interest fast (Chica Marie). But, for me, it's been all the planning, all the ideas, all the execution and at this point it is grueling. Especially, since my goal of teaching my children doing kind things for people without expecting anything can be rewarding in and of itself. It seems I am teaching them the opposite as I struggle to find ways to keep doing kind acts every day. I know we are in the home stretch, with just a week and change until Christmas (new stressor - OMG! It's almost Christmas!). So, we soldier on. And, if we do this again, it will be a much shorter endeavor.

Random Act of Kindness - Day 15

Today for our act of kindness we left as glowing review on a the Facebook page of a local small business. Initially, Chica Marie suggested we compliment my father's organic chicken stand at the local famer's market because she said it was her favorite small business (although, her understanding of small business was not really complete). I suggested we choose a local restaurant instead. I kept the review relatively simple, complimenting not just their delicious cuisine, but also their sense of community and how they take part in so many activities to support our town. It is getting harder and harder to think of non-monetary acts of kindness. Tomorrow we are going to bake cookies for Love Bug to take to school (no homemade treats are allowed at Chica Marie's school) and we will also make extra to give to the local firefighters and hopefully have enough to drop with the local police department. I think, if we decide to do this again next year, I will not be so ambitious as to choose all 24 days leading up to Christmas, maybe just the 12 days prior. I think I might be getting kindness fatigue....

Random Act of Kindness - Day 14

Tonight, after dinner, I went to the grocery store while Primero stayed home with the kids. I went to Aldi's, since I can generally get more things for less money. Unlike most other grocery stores, at Aldi's you have to insert a quarter to use a shopping cart. So, after using my cart I decided to leave my quarter for the next person. But, since the kids were not with me, once we got settled after I got home, we decided to say nice things about members of our family. Love Bug said he liked that Primero is fun. Chica Marie first said she like that we were all together and we were love. But, when I asked her to specifically talk about one person, she said she liked how kind Primero is most of the time and that he lets her play with his hair. The sad thing was, Primero was taking a shower and did not hear the nice things the children said about him. I will have to share this with him because I know how much the kids miss spending regular time with him.

First Real Job

Brag alert! Primero got his very first real job all by himself! A local gaming /restaurant/night club facility was holding a hiring event last weekend. I saw it on Facebook and suggested Primero attend. He half-heartedly committed but it wasn’t until a friend who already works there encouraged him to go that he decided to attend. He was there for quite a while, progressing through various rounds of interviews. He thought he had the job but it wasn’t until they called to confirm a few nights ago. He is perfect for the job and I am so proud of him for doing so well in the interview. Primero will be the game master for the new escape room the facility just built. He really is perfect for the position because he is so social, gregarious and he likes getting in character, so I can see him really enjoying the job. Mostly, I am just relieved that he has found a job because for a while there it seemed like he was destined to be jobless and living in my basement for life!

Random Act of Kindness - Day 13

This morning I explained to Chica Marie and Love Bug our act of the day would be to try to compliment 3 people. I explained a compliment was saying something nice to someone, like saying they have a nice smile or you like their shirt or they did a good job on a project. Chica Marie challenged her brother to see who could compliment the most people. On our ride home at the end of the day, I asked how the kids did with complimenting. Chica Marie told me she complimented eight people, mostly teachers in school. I managed to compliment two people and Love Bug said he didn't want to do it, but he did tell his friend at daycare that he loved him.

Sibling or Caretaker?

A fellow blogger and foster parent posted an interesting question on Facebook a few weeks ago.  The scenario went like this, “You adopted a child from foster care. Another child was born, after your child’s case closed and the infant was placed into foster care. However, the decision makers didn’t notify you of the birth of this child and their need to take custody of the child. This information wasn’t made known to you until the biological family reached out to you. The infant has been in a foster home for about six months and is just about one year old. Which is more important? The bond the infant has with the care givers that have been tasked to temporarily care for them OR the bond with the sibling they’ve never known?”

 

I posed the question to Primero, curious to hear his thoughts on the matter. I know it is hard for him, being the only sibling in his family who was adopted and living with a non-relative. I thought he would side with the baby being moved to be with his/her sibling. And, at first that was his answer. Move the baby in with the older sibling. But, then he thought about when Love Bug was a baby and how attached he had become to me. Primero thought about Love Bug being sent to stay with his older sister, Mini Momma, and he didn’t think that was right to do to the baby. I agreed with him but I also explained, if a baby was able to bond to a caregiver they have a better chance of bonding again. But, if they don’t grow up with their sibling they won’t have the same kind of connection as an adult. I felt the baby should be moved to be with the sibling and suggested the foster families could stay in touch so the loss isn’t so acute. The foster family could be like the baby’s aunt and uncle and, if distance isn’t a prohibitive factor, the families could spend time doing things together, maybe even helping with child care and things like that. Primero lost interest in our conversation after declaring the baby should not be moved, but I think if it were a real-life scenario he might once again believe the baby should be moved to be with his/her sibling.

Random Act of Kindness - Day 12

We are half-way there! I almost forgot about our act tonight. Fortunately, I thought of something quick and so we have number 12. I wrote little notes to the kids, just telling them their good traits.

Primero - You are strong and resilient. You are creative and brave. You are fantastically wonderful. You are loyal and kind. I am so happy you are a part of our family. Love, [Empty Arms, Broken Heart]

Chica Marie - You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are special. You are loved. You are loving and kind. I am so happy you are in our family. Love, Mommy

Love Bug - You are precious. You are goofy and silly. You are terrific. You are adorable and loving. I'm so happy you are in our family. Love, Mommy

Limited Criteria

Monday night we had our annual re-evaluation for foster care. Prior to the family worker coming over, we talked about it as a family. I had told CHOR sometime just before school started that we would be open to take in children for respite only. As a family we decided we are open to taking in a traditional foster care placement. We talked about how that might work and what would change for each of us. Love Bug and Chica Marie do not have experience taking in a child temporarily. When the family worker was there we talked about what type of placement we could take, based on our limited space. We settled on a girl either between ages 9-11 (12 if she wasn’t a very mature 12 year old) or a girl 6 or younger. The child has to be a girl because she will be sharing a room with Chica Marie. I suggested not taking in a girl Chica Marie’s age because often times Chica Marie struggles to get along with peers and I worried she would get jealous and competitive. After the family worker left, Chica Marie asked me if we would be adopting the child who came into our home. We talked about how we foster the dogs and how they are only with us temporarily. Chica Marie persisted, asking, “if the child’s mother can’t take her back, will we adopt her then?” I told her it was something we would talk about if that time came but I didn’t want her to think too much about it because many of the children in foster care return home to their parents or live with another family member. I honestly don’t know if we will get any calls for placements, our criteria is pretty limiting. I know from what the family worker said, the greatest need is for sibling groups and teenagers. We cannot help in those areas, but if they find a placement they think would fit, I hope they think of us. If not, we will just cruise along, keeping the option open.

Random Act of Kindness - Day 11

This evening, after Chica Marie's dance practice, we wrote thank you notes to the kids teachers. Love Bug has more than one teacher at daycare but there is one who he has a special bond with, so we wrote the note to her.

Dear Love Bug's teacher - Thank you for being happy and drawing for me. Thank you for always being patient and kind. Thank you for being my teacher. Love, Love Bug.

Chica Marie wrote her own note and drew a lovely picture of herself with her teacher. She excitedly showed me the drawing of her had bangs. Her one friend at daycare got bangs at the start of the school year and since then Chica Marie has been asking for a similar haircut, not understanding her hair would not cooperate for bangs.

Dear Chica Marie's teacher - Thank you for being my best teacher. To: Teacher From: Chica Marie

Social Media Showdown

Saturday was my sister’s birthday. I was on Facebook to wish her a happy birthday and to post pictures of the kids with Santa. Once I finished with my two tasks, I was scrolling along when I saw a post from my mother. I thought we had gotten past the passive-aggressive nonsense on social media but I was wrong. My mom posted two pictures of cookies with the caption, “So it begins…..sad my daughters stopped the cookie making tradition…..guess I am on my own. Christmas music playing.” The comments were equally discouraging. One woman reassured her she had plenty of work “daughters” to eat what she baked. Another lamented not having anyone to bake with and my mom responded, “We have always baked cookies as a family, especially the cut outs to see who could decorate the coolest cookies, but the last 3 years my daughters decided they don’t like traditions anymore, it is just sad for me because it started when they were tots.” I wanted to respond, “we were not invited to bake cookies, number one and number two my children are not welcome and it’s hard for me to find childcare for an entire weekend.” But, I did not respond at all. Usually I text my sister in these occasions but it was her birthday, so I didn’t want to bring her down with this nonsense. I don’t know why my mom does this. I spoke to her Tuesday night last week and she made no mention of baking cookies over the weekend. In the past, when I offered to come over with the kids, she vetoed the idea because they would require too much supervision and would make too much of a mess while baking. I think it was last year or the year before when she made cut-outs for my kids to decorate. The one and only time we did that together. The thing is, Chica Marie would really like doing the baking with her now. Heck even Love Bug would be into it for a few minutes. But, notice how there was no mention of sadness over not sharing the tradition with her grandkids? I’m trying to let it go, really I am, but it’s just darn irritating to have this snippet of family drama splashed out on the interwebs for all the world to see and judge without knowing half of the story. This is not the first time my mother besmeared her daughters (but never her son) on Facebook and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I wonder what she hopes to get out of this? She doesn’t know if we have seen it, but she has to think we have seen it. Is she hoping for a response? Is she hoping we hash it all out on social media so her friends can jump to her defense? Why would she start this just a few weeks before Christmas? I have no answers. I just feel like, here we go again.

Random Acts of Kindness - Day 10

Tonight we were busy with our annual foster care renewal, so our act was something simple. We put a bunch of goodies into a large plastic bag to hand out to a homeless person we meet while out and about. We packed a tooth brush kit, deodorant, a few packs of travel tissues, hand sanitizer, some peanut butter crackers, and a packet of gummy snacks into the bag. Chica Marie is anxious to hand out our bag of goodies, so I know she will be keeping a look out for someone to give it to. We might try to make up more packages to give away even after Christmas.

Random Act of Kindness - Day 9

Oops! Time got away from me yesterday and I forgot to write about our random act of kindness. While out running errands, we decided to put away stray carts at the stores. Love Bug was tickled pink, asking to be the one to "couple" the carts together, pretending they were train cars. His exuberance in our task derailed us from our errands for more than a few minutes, but I'm glad he had fun doing our small thing to be kind.

Grown up Dress

Just a mini-rant about clothing for young girls. Every year I buy Chica Marie and dress for Christmas. Usually, I try to find Love Bug something that goes along with it and then they get pictures with Santa and wear it on Christmas day. Usually it is quite easy for me to find something cute for both of them, but this year it was not. I found a cute outfit for Love Bug. It was a pair of tan-colored corduroy pants with a red, green, and black striped button down shirt and a green vest with a train on it. It’s adorable and he simply loves it because it has a train. So, after snagging his outfit, I wandered over to the girls section. I found a bunch of cute dressed but they only went up to size 6x. Chica Marie will be 8 in a few weeks and a 6x is too small for her. She is slender but tall and I knew none of those dresses would work on her frame. So, I moved onto the misses section, looking for a Christmas dress. I found some dresses but I was shocked and dismayed at what was proffered. First of all, every single dress was short-sleeved or sleeveless. It is winter time here in PA, which means it is cold and inappropriate for dresses without sleeves. Not only were the dresses sleeveless, but they were very flimsy, to the point of being sheer. I dug through the racks, desperate to find something for Chica Marie. Eventually I did find a dress (you can see it below) but not before I lost a lot of hope in dressing her in the future. I was shopping in a fairly conservative store, not a place where I would expect to find dresses I deemed inappropriate for my daughter. The things I saw were made for girls 8 and older but they looked too grown up for my taste and I’m not a fuddy-duddy or anything like that. I just want my daughter to look like an 8 year old girl, not a teenager. I did mention something to the cashier who told me a story about a father having similar difficulties finding an outfit for his daughter to wear to a school concert. I don’t want Chica Marie to be in a hurry to grow up because in some ways she acts older than she is but emotionally she is younger. I want her to be 8 and then 9 and then 10, not 7 now and suddenly 13. I’m sure many parents bemoan the rate at which their children grow, but I really just want to keep her wardrobe age-appropriate. I hope that is something that is possible.  

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Random Acts of Kindness - Day 8

This morning we went to Primero's school for breakfast with Santa. It was a nice time and the kids looked adorable in their Christmas outfits. Primero was mostly working at the event, trying to put in the necessary community service hours as a senior. After we finished breakfast and our crafts, we decided to do our random act of kindness. I thought it would be hard for the kids, I thought maybe Love Bug would pitch a fit, but I was pleasantly surprised. We had a box of candy canes to hand out to other little kids. I thought for sure each one of my kids would end up with a candy cane, but they gave all of them away, rather cheerfully, I might add. I was so proud of them.

Later in the day Primero went to the mall with a friend. The friend stays with us sometimes so she knows about our random act of kindness. While at the food court in the mall, the Subway cashier was overwhelmed and stressed. She was complaining a bit to them and another guy there ordering a sandwich. The other customer was trying to keep her positive, telling her how hard his job is and whatnot. So, Primero's friend, inspired by our random acts of kindness, decided to pay for his meal. How amazing is that? I hope the small things we do can keep rippling out into the world with more kindness.

Random Acts of Kindness - Day 7

My plan for our random act of kindness today was to hand out candy canes. On Friday evenings we eat dinner out because I don't cook. Primero had asked to get tacos for dinner this morning, so we were on our way to a taco restaurant when Primero suddenly changed his mind. Tacos were out, Chinese was in. I had wanted to stop by the mall to get Christmas outfits for the kids because tomorrow morning Primero's school is hosting breakfast and pictures with Santa. So, I quickly purchased the outfits (more on this later because I was saddened by the choices for Chica Marie) and we drove back near home to our favorite Chinese restaurant. Primero did not want to take the candy  canes inside and I forgot about them by the time we stopped at the dollar store to find tights for Chica Marie to wear with her dress. So, when we got home I had to change our act to writing sticky notes with positive messages to post in public restrooms. And we still have candy canes to hand out someday soon!

Random Act of Kindness - Day 6

Tonight, after Chica Marie's cheer dance practice, we picked up a small box of microwave popcorn. We wrote a little note, "Enjoy your movie and some popcorn!" and affixed the note to the bag of popcorn and then stuck it to our local Redbox kiosks. Chica Marie was disappointed no one stopped and grabbed the popcorn while we waited in the van for Primero to buy some medication for his canker sore in the store. I explained to her we wouldn't always see our acts of kindness play out, but we could imagine someone taking the popcorn home and having a nice time watching the movie. But, the kids favorite part was coming home and eating the last bag of popcorn.

Random Act of Kindness - Day 5

Tonight Chica Marie excitedly asked me what we are doing for our "kindness act." I'm happy she's getting into it, that was really the whole point. We decided to write encouraging notes on notecards to hand out to people. Chica Marie asked to take the cards she wrote to school. Love Bug wanted to take some cards to daycare and Chica Marie requested I take the cards I wrote with me to work. I'm anxious to hear about the kids experiences handing out the encouragement cards.

Random Acts of Kindness - Day 4

Like so many of the things I try, that start out as a good idea, poor planning on my part foils the execution. Today we wrote a few Christmas cards destined for a local nursing home. But, it is going to have to be a multi-step random act. I need to contact the local nursing home to see what the rules are regarding giving out Christmas cards at the facility. I also thought we might give out a handmade ornament we made from mason jar lids. I would just need to get a count of how many to include and I'm hoping the nursing home staff can help me with that. So, maybe it's the thought that counts for today?

Spooks

We put up our Christmas tree on Sunday. I've been really stressed, worried about making Christmas be magical and amazing for my kids. They had fun putting the ornaments on the tree after we discovered we didn't have enough lights that worked. Primero had to run to the local dollar store to get us another string of colored lights, which do not match the colored lights we already have, so our tree is of the Charlie Brown persuasion. The kids decorations are mostly clumped together within their reach, so other than the angel sitting slightly askew at the top of the tree, the top portion is sparse with decoration. Still, Love Bug is in love with the Christmas tree. He asks to plug it in every morning and when we get home in the evening. This morning, he turned off the TV so the tree “could shine better.” I see an oddly decorated tree with mismatched lights, but Love Bug sees a magical tree with shining beauty.

 

Earlier last week the van started getting a rumble; a deep-throated growl whenever I stepped on the gas. Friday, after Primero and I left family therapy, the rumble turned into a full-on roar. There was a problem with our muffler that turned the Mom-mobile into a monster machine channeling it's inner muscle car. Worse than the racket was the fumes leaking into the car filling it with the noxious stench of gas. The van still runs mostly ok, or as ok as before. It’s just embarrassing, loud, and uncomfortable. Maybe my dad can fix it, or at least that is my hope.

 

On Sunday I was plugging my computer into the electric outlet in my bedroom to charge it after playing Christmas music for most of the afternoon. I had my light on to see better, since the socket was behind my bed, and suddenly I was in the dark. I thought the fuse was blown and asked Primero to go into his room (where the fuse box is located) and flip the switch. He did, but my light did not come back on. And the outlet did not charge my phone or computer. Prior to the electrical issue, Primero had accidentally bumped the light, so I thought maybe the ground wire came loose or something like that. So, we fixed the light fixture and still it would not work. So, I called my dad. He suggested I take the outlet apart to see if there were any wires loose. I moved my dresser and pried the socket out of the wall but all the wires were snug. The electrical issue persisted until I got home last night and accidentally flipped the light switch on. I was bathed in light from my chandelier! Quickly I shoved my phone charged into the wall outlet and lo and behold, it began charging my phone! I text my dad this morning and to my inquiry on how the light could miraculously be working, he responded, “Spooks?” I only hope it continues to work and whatever issue or entity that made it stop working will not return. Fingers crossed.

 

Random Act of Kindness - Day 3

For our third day we wrote the mailman a thank you note in a Christmas card. Love Bug's contribution was selecting the card. Chica Marie wrote the message, "For the mailman. Thank you for bringing our mail. From the [Empty Arms Broken Heart] Family. And she drew a very impressive picture of the mailman delivering our mail inside a large heart. I added a simple, "We appreciate your hard work. Thank you and Happy Holidays." The note didn't make it into the mailbox in time for the delivery tonight, but we will make sure it's in our mailbox for tomorrow.

Four Gifts

Christmas is such a stressful time of the year for me. I don’t have a lot of people to buy for, but it’s enough for our already strained budget. Add in the complications the holiday’s bring to my kiddos and it can be a trying time. A post on Facebook of an article suggested it is best to buy children only 4 gifts for Christmas because getting them too much stuff really overwhelms them and doesn’t make them any happier. The four gifts should fit into the following categories – something the child wants, something they need, something they can wear, something they can read. I bought the four of us matching Christmas pajamas, so I have the something they can wear covered. Primero wants new Bluetooth wireless earbuds for his phone, since he washed them and one stopped working. It’s Apple I-stuff, so of course it’s pricey. Chica Marie wants an American girl doll. I’m going to try to find a generic equivalent. Love Bug wants the Polar Express but I know any train will do. He fell in love with a block train when we were shopping at Michael’s craft store a few weeks back, so maybe I’ll try to find him that one. I think the hardest part will be finding something for Primero that fits into the reading category. He isn’t much of a reader. Christmas time is still stressful, but having a game plan helps. Now, I just need to figure out what to get the rest of my family.  

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Random Acts of Kindness - Day 2

Primero joined us for dinner tonight, so I invited him to also join in our random act of kindness. I asked us to all say three things we were grateful for in our lives. We took turns, starting with Love Bug. 

Love Bug:

1) I'm grateful for the Polar Express train

2) I'm grateful for the Polar Express train and the tender

3) I'm grateful for the Polar Express, the tender, and the train cars

Chica Marie:

1) I'm thankful for people

2) I'm grateful for love

3) I'm thankful for everyone

Primero:

1) I'm thankful for family

2) I'm thankful for my close friends

3) I'm thankful for music

Me:

1) I'm grateful for my three beautiful children

2) I'm thankful we are all healthy

3) I'm grateful for modern technology and medical advancements

Random Acts of Kindness - Day 1

For the 24 days leading up to Christmas the kids and I are performing random acts of kindness. I feel like too often we are bogged down in our own stuff, battling the demons from the past and just trying to keep our heads above water. I'm hoping this endeavor will help us get out of our own heads. And, I am hoping it will teach my kids some empathy and that kindness for kindness' sake is valuable for the good feelings it gives us and the good will it spreads to others. It might be an uphill battle for the moment.

When I explained to the kids our game plan for this morning, Chica Marie made a face. "Wait, what?" "We are going to pay for the movie for the people behind us in line." I explained again. We were going to see The Polar Express at the theatre in town. It was only $1 to see the movie, so we wouldn't be shelling out a lot of cash (the point of the random acts of kindness is not to spend a lot of money but to spread good will). Chica Marie just couldn't understand that we would be paying for people we didn't know. She likened it to the story she heard at school, one good turn deserves another. Her rendition of the story was that the mouse helped the snake get free after being trapped but once free the snake wanted to eat the mouse but let him go because the mouse did him a favor letting him go. I explained to her our random acts of kindness were not just for people who were nice or kind to us, but to random strangers we don't know. I said, sometimes it's the people who are not nice to us who need our kindness. "It might not be easy, but kindness makes our world a better place."

When we got to the theatre there was another lone mom with three kids was behind us. I thought she might be the one we ended up paying for, but that isn't what happened. Instead, there were two windows open and since it took me a little time to have the clerk understand what I was asking for ("So you want to pay for extra tickets you won't use?") so the mom and three kids bought their tickets and moved on. I'm not even sure who got the 4 tickets we paid for. So, it seems, today's lesson is for me. Things don't go as planned and I shouldn't need to see my good will in action so I can feel good about myself.

I plan on documenting our next 23 days and hope this will help teach us all to look for ways to be kind. Getting stuck in traffic on our way out of town after the movie proved I have a lot to improve to put my money where my mouth is in kindness!

Whatever "A" It Is

According to Chica Marie’s mobile therapist, who will also be Love Bug’s mobile therapist, the psychological evaluation done by the behavioral therapy psychiatrist indicates Love Bug is dual diagnosed ADHD and ODD. Exactly like his sister. There was no mention of autism or being on the spectrum. At least not in the little bit that the mobile therapist shared with me. We have a meeting about it all next week, so perhaps more will come about then. Still, it is perplexing to me to that the diagnosis are so different. Only, according to the cursory research I have done (reading autism and ADHD websites, mostly), there seem to be a lot of overlapping behaviors between the two diagnosis. It seems to boil down to communication or lack thereof and repetitive motions. For Love Bug, he was slightly speech delayed and had speech therapy for about a year or so, but he is understandable now and can get his needs met by using his words. However, he does not always immediately verbalize what he needs. Instead, when he gets upset or frustrated or angry, he sticks his finger in his mouth, folds his arms and grunts. If a trusted adult gets down to his level and slowly talks to him, he can eventually calm down and express himself.

 

I don’t think Love Bug has any repetitive motions. He doesn’t flap his arms or rock back and forth. He does still suck his finger and when he is angry or overwhelmed, he runs and hides. In some ways, his behaviors are stuck at the 2 year old stage. He likes me to hold him, with his head on my shoulder, nuzzled under my neck. He often times comes to me for soothing after having a meltdown. So often he seeks to hold my hand or smush his face into my arm or just wrap his arm around mine. He is very touchy-feely with me and sometimes with other trusted adults, like his favorite daycare teacher and the director’s wife, who he calls Mee-maw, like her grandkids do. Love Bug makes eye contact with me. But, he eschews contact with his peers. If some of his friends at daycare issue an exuberant “Good morning Love Bug!” or something similar, he does not respond in kind. Instead, he dives into me, my leg or my arms if I’m crouched down at his level. Is this autism spectrum behavior? Is it ADHD? Is it just the way Love Bug copes with things? I don’t know.

 

I have signed the paperwork allowing the Intermediate Unit staff to evaluate Love Bug. I have also signed a release for them to provide their findings to the behavioral health staff, like the mobile therapist. Both entities assure me it is not double dipping to have them evaluate and work with Love Bug. So, at some point in the future, a school psychologist, speech therapist, and occupational therapist will observe and evaluate Love Bug. In the meantime, the behavioral health group will most likely assign a TSS worker to help Love Bug at the daycare. It has been proposed I look into the Pre-K counts class for Love Bug and I have the paperwork mostly completed I’m just hesitant to move him right now. I would need to make sure transportation is provided and the timing works with my work schedule. And, I really don’t want to start throwing Love Bug into tons of different things with so many new adults only to do it all over again when he starts kindergarten in the fall.

 

My goal and main concern is getting Love Bug the help he needs so he can be successful in daycare and when he starts school. The diagnosis is secondary to making sure his needs get met. What I think based on what I know, is not important. What is important is understanding Love Bug, and what techniques he needs to be stable, comfortable and maybe even enjoying daycare and school. I mean, if you don’t like kindergarten just wait for high school! I don’t want my confusion to be viewed as resistance. Whatever the mental health professionals agree upon as a diagnosis, I will accept it. I just want to make sure they see my Love Bug and understand him so we all can help him. Period. End.   

I Don't Sleep Alone

 

When I was talking to my sister last week about Chica Marie sleeping on my floor and lamenting the loss of autonomy in my own bed, my sister reminded me how often she would sleep in my bed or on my bedroom floor. It occurred to me, the only stretch of time I didn’t have anyone sleeping with me was when I was in college. And even then, I was not alone in the room, just in my bed by myself. You would think, given my history of not sleeping alone, I would be accustomed to someone sleeping in my bed, but alas, it still makes me toss and turn. Right now, it feels like I will forever be prying someone’s toes out of my hamstring, or shoving a warm snoring body onto their side of the bed. I don’t mind the cats so much because they usually sleep at my feet or behind my knees. Sometimes, my cat (only one is really mine) Brisa likes to sleep on top of me, either on my hip if I’m on my side, or on my chest if I’m on my back. But, her slight frame is not as distracting as Love Bug grabbing my face in his sleep or Bailey, the beagle, snuffling under my covers to steal my warmth.

 

Both of the little ones relish sleeping in my room, with me. They eschew sleeping in their own beds in their own bedroom. At night, as I am trying to woo them to sleep, they talk about who will wake up first and sneak off to my room. For a long time, Love Bug would wake up Chica Marie to bring him to my room. Only recently, Chica Marie has been staying in my room. I listen to their nightly banter about braving the kitchen and passing the dark basement door before reaching the safety of my room. Even when he slept in my bedroom, Love Bug would climb into my bed nightly. It’s funny to me now, but at one point early on I was very concerned that Love Bug was not bonding with me. Now, he is a total momma’s boy. With Chica Maire it’s a little harder, but knowing she seeks me out for comfort is positive.

 

At some point I am sure I will look back at this point and read it with wistful nostalgia as I try to rouse two grumpy teenagers who never want to leave their bedroom. I will look back and ache for the time when Chica Marie and Love Bug fought to sleep in my room. It is the nature of the beast in parenting. We grasp time, longing to find a pause or slow down option, only to be left with our beautiful memories to coddle. Such is life!

Lunch with My Sister

On Black Friday, I had lunch with my sister. She recently started seeing a therapist, again. She tried once before, but didn’t like the pervious therapist. From her description of what she wants, it sounds more like she is looking for a drill sergeant channeling their inner R. Lee Ermey. Still, it was enlightening to both of us to discuss the things that happened in our home, especially the trauma caused by our brother. My sister believes my over-caring and nurturing came because I felt like I needed to protect her at that time, since she was younger than me. I attributed it to my inflated sense of responsibility and taking on other people’s problems. For her, well it all seems to have manifest into anxiety and a hyper-vigilant need to control everything.


My sister still harbors a good deal of anger about the whole situation. We discussed how this might stem from the difference in our ages, since I was much older when the craziness was going on. I was also more independent and able to get out of the situation than my sister was at the time. I had a job, which took me out of the home frequently. She was pre-pubescent and felt trapped, other than the times I took her with me, which was anywhere I could. My sister also attributed her current emotional state to one of the major reasons she doesn’t want to have children. She realizes she is not emotionally prepared to care for another human life in such a capacity. Their dog is enough responsibility and demands enough of her time and energy. She also mentioned how her own stuff affects her marriage, when it spills out onto her husband. I believe it is quite wise of her to not let her own stuff affect an innocent child. Still, I think she would be a good, if demanding, mother, but I support her decision without reservation.

 

Our time spent together wasn’t all doom and gloom from the past, even if comparing therapy notes was slightly cathartic. After our lunch we walked to a nearby farm shop and delighted in some of their yummy fare. We tried a delicious hot apple cider, sniffed tantalizing handmade soaps and shampoo bars (I bought one to try), and drooled over the scrumptious smelling pies they were baking. All-in-all it was a wonderful visit and it made me wish we lived just a little closer together so we could have more outings just like it.

One Down, One to Go

We survived Thanksgiving. I spent the morning convincing myself to relax and do nothing (which eventually turned into 4 days of the same thing, so now the house is a giant mess and I lack the motivation to do anything more than spot clean). Love Bug and I shared a head cold and he spiked a slight fever a few times. I made guacamole for our offering to Thanksgiving dinner. It was received very tepidly. My sister enjoyed it. And my cousin’s wife  ate some (she’s vegan, so she brings her own stuff mostly). And my kids. Chica Marie had several heaping helpings and it was the only thing Primero ate. Yes, Primero went along with us to my aunt and uncle’s for Thanksgiving for the first time in at least two years. He kept to himself on his phone and only talked to me to say my mom gave him a stink eye when she saw him. We didn’t stay at the festivities very long because Love Bug was demanding we leave (Mommy, can we go home?) after he spent the entire day asking to go to “uncles” house. I wasn’t feeling the greatest, so I was fine with leaving after only a few hours. I only lamented not being able to spend more time with my sister and brother-in-law, who were also in attendance for the first time in a few years. The highlight of the day was meeting my aunt and uncle’s new chocolate lab-sheep dog puppy, Odin.

Not Yet a Believer

The daycare felt positive after the IEP meeting last week. They had a game plan, albeit small and simple, but they ran with it and declared it was working after just a day. It was a positive because they could see my Love Bug in a different light. It was an a-ha moment for them. Predictably, I was feeling less-positive after the pronouncement and possible impending diagnosis. I was certain Love Bug would be diagnosed with ADHD like his sister. He seemed to exhibit similar characteristics and behavioral issues. He did seem less social than his sister, but he was gregarious and loving and his delay just meant he needed a boost to get back on track.

 

The intervention therapist asked me during the meeting if I had an suspicions or worries that Love Bug might be on the spectrum. Before he started early intervention for speech therapy I thought it might be a possibility. But, his primary care physician didn’t think he had the markers and when the early interventionists evaluated him, they made no mention of the possibility. Even at his recent evaluation for TSS therapy just a few weeks ago, autism was not suggested. I did fill out the autism form and many of the markers didn’t fit for Love Bug. I knew he struggled socially in group settings, but it seemed when he was one-on-one with other kids he was fine. I blamed myself for his unwillingness to play with other kids and choose to spend time with me instead because I babied him. So what if he liked being with his momma? He struggled playing with his sister but I chalked that up to the age gap and their stubbornness to have things go their own ways.

 

A week ago, a month ago, if you had asked me if there was a diagnosis I felt I was not capable of handling I would have told you autism. I think it’s the unknown about it that scared me. And, what I perceived, as life-long difficulties made me feel unequipped to handle a child on the spectrum. It was the instant vaporization of Love Bug’s future as I envisioned it that brought hot, angry tears to my eyes and gut-wrenching sobs to the back of my throat. No one will understand my Love Bug, was my fear. They will see his diagnosis and not him and his potential.

 

I understand, getting a bead on a diagnosis is crucial to getting help for the things that are making his life hard. I know a label is just a word. I also know, how it can trigger undesirable things, like it did with Chica Marie. If this thought becomes an official diagnosis, I will need to learn how to not see it as something being taken from Love Bug, rather as a tool to help him be his best self.

This Too Shall Pass

Chica Marie has started sleeping on the floor in my bedroom. The bed is too full, with me, Love Bug, two cats (at least) and a beagle. It’s only a full, so not big enough for another wiggly body. So, she gathers blankets and her pillow and sleeps beside me on the floor. She is quite happy with the arrangement. I feel awful. I wish there were room in the bed for her. The next best thing, that does not make me feel like a very good mother, is a sleeping pad or sleeping bag. I don’t think a bigger bed is economical at this point, but perhaps something I could look into in the not-too-distant future. Chica Marie and Love Bug would really be quite satisfied if we all just slept together, snuggled up like a pile of puppies. I sleep better alone, with no toes separating my ribs, or hot breathing on my neck, or someone inevitably laying on my hair. Chica Marie is very sure a robber is going to break into the house and hurt her and Love Bug. Sleeping on my floor feels more safe than alone in her bunk bed. I just need to be able to sleep peacefully. It does not seem possible.

 

The one thing Primero was asked to do by our new family therapist was to eat dinner every night with me and the kids. Even if he doesn’t eat anything, he should come sit with us. Thus far, he has only had dinner with us when we went out to eat last week when it snowed. If he isn’t going to make an effort, is there any point? I haven’t said anything to him yet. Our next appointment is next Friday. Honestly, if he doesn’t want to make any changes, then I think we should just stop and realize this isn’t going to work. As painful as that would be, I don’t need him pretending he is going to try, while I promise to make changes (because I know my time will come, there will be things I too will be asked to do differently) in earnest. I don’t know why joining the family dinner is difficult, I don’t know why making that simple concession is not something Primero is willing to do.

 

On Friday Primero had a two-hour delay to start school. So did Chica Marie and me. He was not out of bed when we left the house. I tried calling him. No answer. I text him and he never responded. He was angry last week when the school had me sign absent slips and I asked them to notify me if he doesn’t come to school. He said I told him it was his choice. He can’t have it both ways. I can’t not know when he is in school but be expected to sign the absent slips. If he continues to miss days, he runs the risks of being kicked out of school. He is so sure he will graduate, but he thinks he can do it his way, following his own rules. He really needs a wake-up call. I will not be signing any more slips. It’s his problem.

 

Things have been feeling very overwhelming lately. With the holidays looming, I am struggling to keep going. I’m so tired so often. And I’ve been getting headaches, which is a clear indication the stress is getting to me. I think I’m looking forward to January, when the holidays have passed and the hustle and bustle have returned to normal levels. I just need to hold on until then. Happy Thanksgiving!

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Turn The Other Cheek

I’m not overly religious. I wish I were a little more, but I’m not. Still, I consider myself a Christian and I try to follow the basic tenents of Christianity; treating others as you would like to be treated, turn the other cheek, love your neighbor, judge not, don’t cast the first stone, forgive. It isn’t always easy. In fact, it is often very difficult. I don’t think of myself as a martyr, so I hope this doesn’t come off that way. I’m not a savior, something a lot of adoptive parents and foster parents are criticized as being, especially in terms of transracial families. I adopted because I wanted to be a mother. I adopted from foster care because it was a shorter wait time (in a way – shorter wait to have a child in my home but perhaps longer to finalize). I foster because I want to help, not rescue, just help when and where I can. My mother tells me I have a bleeding heart and I’m too kind hearted. I think it’s better than being cold and uncaring. Nevertheless, my kindness has been used against me more than once.

 

Not for the first time I have felt hurt and betrayed by Primero and members of his family. Currently, it is Esperanza. We have our history (and here) (and here) (also here), but this constant coming and going needs to end. This latest issue with Esperanza’s ex-boyfriend breaking the windshield on the van has really shown me how little she thinks of me and our family.

 

Esperanza was quick to point out it wasn’t her fault that the windshield was smashed with a brick. She was quick to deny breaking the windshield of her ex’s car, stating she was nowhere near his place that night. The rest of the story, the part she didn’t readily tell, was that she had gone to the club where her ex works as a bouncer with another man. The ex-boyfriend threw her and the guy out of the club and she went to her cousin’s house without the guy. How or why her ex thought she was the one who broke his windshield is a mystery. Why he thought throwing a brick through my windshield was just retribution, I do not understand. Not once did Esperanza apologize. Not once did she offer any form of assistance in dealing with the issue. When she text me the next day that he was threatening her and telling her she should leave town, I suggested she stay with her mom until things cool down. Somehow, that meant I was throwing her out. So, she came home that Sunday afternoon, packed her stuff and left out of the back basement door so she wouldn’t have to see me or the kids or have the decency to say good-bye. She also unfriended me on Facebook. I am the victim of vandalism by her ex-boyfriend, but I get treated like dirt?

 

Supposedly, she has gone back to her other ex-boyfriend in upstate New York. Whatever. The thing is though, I have (stupidly) been paying for her to have a cell phone. Ever since she first stayed with us and I bought her a phone for Christmas, which I intended to be a brief gift (it came with an 18 month plan), yet this morphed into an on-going free phone for her. Except, if I can’t be treated with common decency, why on earth should I continue paying for her phone? I’m stuck with monthly payments and still have 10 more months to go, but then I think the gravy train needs to end. I’m not the kind of person who expects constant quid pro quo, but again, if I don’t even deserve a good-bye, then I don’t need to be paying for your phone. Never once did she offer to help pay her phone bill, even when she was working. So, yeah, I think I’ve been walked all over enough. I’ve heard, we teach people how to treat us by what we let them get away with doing to us. Well, it’s time for me to be treated with some respect.

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

On Tuesday, Primero and I attended our first family therapy session. When I picked Primero up from school I was asked to sign absent slips. According to the school, Primero did not go to school on Monday. He claimed he did, but I suspect he did not. I did not work on Monday and I offered to take him to school. He declined, stating he would walk instead. At the end of the day, when he was supposed to be coming home, it sounded like the back basement door slammed before he dragged the trash cans from the front of the house to the back. I signed the slip and asked the school to keep me in the loop when Primero was not accounted for in school. He has done this before, last year. But, the school has also missed counting him in attendance before. It certainly does not help our situation. I believe, based on his actions in the last year, Primero would skip school and then adamantly lie to me about it. He’s lied to me before. Eighteen months ago, I would have adamantly defended him, believing he would not lie to me. Now, I wonder how many times he has lied to me and I believed him and supported him and it makes me feel sick to the stomach. How often has he pulled the wool over my eyes and I was a willing participant?

 

The therapy session was not easy. The therapist is trying to get to know us, but I worry she was being too hard on Primero and he will see it as “them” taking my side. I expressed how I just wanted to be heard and the therapist guessed how disrespected I feel at home. I don’t know how much penetrated into Primero’s mind. I don’t know how much he will allow to penetrate. She offered to see us separately, but for the time being we will be going to sessions together. I like the therapist and I appreciate that she seems to be a straight-shooter and unafraid to be honest and up-front. I think both of us need that at this point. I don’t know if any of it will help. The rawness is still so fresh and the many hurts will take a lot to heal, but I need to remain optimistic and believe we can both change for the better.

Unexpected Diagnosis

 

I have never shied away from getting my kids professional help. I have never denied treatments that mental health professionals have felt would help the children. I have never been abashed from seeking a diagnosis that would help determine the level of assistance my children would receive. I have accepted that they struggle with developmental delays and behavioral issues. I never cried when a mental health professional explained to me their thoughts on what is going on with my children. But, this morning I did. This morning I wanted to deny the idea of a diagnosis, to disclaim its validity, I wanted to prove it was untrue. I wanted to make it untrue.

 

This morning I had an IEP meeting with the early intervention therapist and the daycare staff. We were talking about Love Bug and the struggles he has been having. I knew he struggled with social interactions and I sensed he was simply overwhelmed when in his daycare classroom. I knew he was unhappy going to daycare, it seemed to give him anxiety to be there. I knew he preferred to stay home with me and I chalked it up to him being a momma’s boy. I thought he didn’t like having the expectations of daycare; cleaning up, playing nice with others and sharing, sitting at story time, doing crafts. I knew he had a developmental delay. I thought his diagnosis would be the same as his sister – ADHD. He certainly exhibited some of the same behaviors as his sister. But, the early intervention therapist didn’t mention attention deficit issues. She said, based on her observation of him in the daycare classroom, she believes he is high-functioning autistic.

 

There will be several professionals sent to observe Love Bug in daycare. A school psychologist, an occupational therapist, and a speech and language therapist will all be sent to see and judge what is going on with Love Bug. The therapist this morning indicated that his expressive language is excellent, but his receptive language is lagging behind. This means, he can say and explain many things, but he cannot hear and comprehend at the same level. She stated his outbursts and difficulties getting along in the classroom have been a cry for help because he feels overwhelmed and is overstimulated just by being in the classroom with his peers. She gave the daycare staff a three-step process to help when he is about to melt down. She suggested they remove all the children from his vicinity and any toys or other objects he could use to hurt himself other others. He should remain in the same spot he is in, but there should be no communication with him and then they should wait. If he is given time, he might be able to come out of the anxiety-driven tantrum on his own and be able to resume the activity or playing with his friends. Then, at a later time, he can be removed to process what happened.

 

Obviously, this is not a solid diagnosis at this point. Love Bug was also evaluated last week at the same agency where Chica Marie’s mobile therapist works. The doctor’s evaluation has not been completed. I did share the observation from the intervention therapist with the mobile therapist, in case it would change anything for the help of the TSS worker.  I don’t think Love Bug is on the autism spectrum, but I am not a mental health professional. I don’t want to send him to school with a diagnosis that can be used, as it was for his sister, to push him into a special classroom where he cannot learn. Love Bug is smart and I think, with assistance, he could be able to stay in a regular classroom and thrive. I don’t want a label to prevent him from having that opportunity. I am going to wait for the word from the professionals before I start worrying more about it. The declaration this morning was just not something I was expecting to hear. At the end of the day, he is still my Love Bug and we will work to get him the help he needs to be successful in school and in life.

Nightmares

Chica Marie is suddenly having nightmares and difficulty staying asleep at night. She also wet the bed twice last week after months and months of no accidents. Last night, as I lay on the bottom bunk getting Love Bug to sleep, she expressed her fears. She doesn’t like being in her bedroom alone when Love Bug leaves to come sleep with me. She is afraid the person who broke our van windshield will come back and break into her bedroom. She worries about someone breaking in to rob us. She is scared of the dark, even though there is a nightlight in her bedroom, the kitchen, and the bathroom. She woke up screaming and crying last night, something she hasn’t done in a long time. I got up and helped her to the bathroom before collapsing back into bed. I didn’t sleep much after the disruption. Other than getting up and helping her calm down, I have no solutions to her nighttime angst. For a long, long time when she was younger, this was our nighttime routine. So many nights she would wake up screaming, calling for me. I would help her settle and fall back asleep then drag myself back to bed. This vandalism has had more reaching consequences than even I could have guessed. It enrages me that someone could do something so callously and upset the balance so wholly in our home. I really hope for more restful nights for Chica Marie and for me.

My Day

Veteran's Day is the one day of the year that I don't have work but the kids still have school. It is a day I relish as a free day off; a day I can do what I want. I made sure to have the house clean so I wouldn't be tempted to do that on my day. I did make a few appointments, so I could go child-free. And I grabbed a few groceries, but also not so bad without lugging the kids along with me. Then, I came home and vegged. Yup. Nothing fancy on my day off, I just Netflixed and chilled with myself. And the furry kids, who also vegged on the couch with me. And it was glorious.

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